The Week in Review (sort of)

The sky is gray today. Gray and thick and cold-- the color of thunder. It didn't start out that way though. It was unbearably humid when I met Hammer this morning at the "German diner for brunch." I hadn't seen her since she left for Paris a few weeks ago. We ate and caught up and then walked over to the Tea Spot for some afternoon tea. We sat downstairs in the basement where we could see the fat raindrops splattering against the pavement. No one had turned the lights on down there. I liked it.

Anyway, it has been an incredibly busy week... I'm not really sure where I should begin.

Earlier in the week, my first order of business was going to meet with someone in the Student Affairs office at school. I am now officially SEVEN incompletes in the hole-- the only place in my life where I am still feeling the burn of all of the destruction I did while drinking. It's hard for me to face up to; it's hard to think about; and it's even harder to imagine how I'm going to pull myself out of this one. But I have to begin somewhere. "Make a beginning," as they say in AA. So, I went in on Tuesday to deal with it all.

I was happy to see Bezoukhoff when I got there. He's working in that office for the summer. While I waited, he showed me some strange Russian art on the computer (including an alligator disguised as Stirlitz and this strange Nazi poster warning people not to "chatter").


Anyway, I left the appointment with a lot of mixed emotions. In some ways, the woman I met with was able to help me, but in the end, the bottom line is the same-- I am in an impossible deep mess in terms of my coursework and I'm still trying to teach just one class short of "full time," go to AA every day and still expect the PhD to just fall into place. I don't think it's going to work that way. I think that if I'm ever going to fix this, I have to make my own coursework a priority and I need to find a way to get the support that I need, whether it be through advising or by staying intellectually engaged with other students.

In any case, I didn't have much time to dwell on the whole thing because I promised Pixie I would meet her at a health clinic that afternoon so she could get some tests done that she was afraid to do on her own. I called Cherubino in the cab on the way over to give her a brief update on my meeting. I had a pounding headache and ended up frustrated with her because she doesn't really understand what my coursework is like, or what it means to have to write seven papers at this level. It's just not the same as undergraduate work.

After AA that night, I made plans to meet up with Bezoukhoff again. I just really needed to talk to a fellow historian. I was on "bird-duty" for Hammer, so Bezoukhoff and I met at her apartment, fed Jimmy and Yellowy and set off for the Olive Tree Cafe on MacDougal where we got to draw with chalk on the slate tables and eat borscht. I was having a mini-breakdown, feeling miserable about my status in the history department, overwhelmed with the obligation to continue teaching, upset with Cherubino, crazy about Narc, and worried about my health problems. Bezoukhoff was really a life-saver that night, helping me sort at least some of it out and break it down into a more manageable way to think about it all.

Anyway, that was Tuesday...

On Wednesday, I had plans with B. If you recall, I sort of stirred things up last week, making the great proclamation that I "felt a wall growing up" between us. We met at my apartment and then headed to South Street Seaport for the afternoon. Thank God, said "wall" was nowhere to be found.

While we were eating lunch, I got a call from my doctor. This is, of course, the mini-drama I don't really want to discuss on the blog, but I might as well say this-- I'm officially scheduled for major surgery this coming Thursday. Last Wednesday was the day I found out. I was both excited and scared and was glad to be with B at that moment.

After lunch, we just talked and walked around the seaport and then took the NY Water Taxi (a new favorite discovery!) up the East River and over to 34th Street. We walked to the movie theater on 2nd Avenue and watched the most recent Harry Potter movie. I was impressed... of course, my favorite character is Alan Rickman as "Snape," but Gary Oldman looking Dracula-esque was a close second.

Walking back from the movie theater, I bumped into my "sober sister," Leseco, on the street corner. It was kind of strange. I gave her the news about my surgery.

That night, I had plans to have dinner with NDN. He came over and we made a giant vat of my semi-famous spaghetti and meatballs and NDN fed me strawberries. (He was a little gross about it, I have to say...) I really haven't had much time with NDN lately, so it was good to see him. He made the breakup call to some girl while I was making the meatballs. Then we enjoyed our dinner by candlelight.

Thursday was a pretty good day... I had coffee with Slope in the afternoon and then met up with AB (Leseco's sponsee) just before the meeting for another round of coffee. AB is still counting days and is running into some emotional trouble as she's "obsessed with someone," as she put it. If anyone knows about obsession, it's me. At last! The lessons learned from my insanity with Narc were sort of put to good use.

That night after the meeting, Dan came over to keep me company while I scarfed down dinner. As you may know (if you read his blog), Dan took off for Japan on Saturday... for good. "For Good?" I hate when things are for good. This was likely the last time I'll have seen him... at least for a very, very long time. I hate good-bye's more than anything. I felt really weird after he left-- as if something much bigger had ended... a part of me, a chapter of my life... something. I don't know... it was confusing.


On Friday I had to wake up bright and early to go to the hospital for a whole series of pre-op tests. I was there for five hours!!! Fucking crazy, right? The one good thing that came out of it? I have a nasty bruise on my arm from where the nurse took my blood. It's huge. It's been three days now and it's stretched out to cover nearly half of my forearm. Of course, I shouldn't be indulging myself, but as most of you know by now, I've always sexualized beating and bruises... oh well. As long as it's not self inflicted, I'll enjoy it for what it's worth.

After the litany of tests, I had to rush home to get dressed, get to therapy and then head over to Astoria for a party. Bro-in-Law and his sister had planned a surprise 35th Anniversary party for their parents at the same hall where their parents had gotten married.

I took the N-train to the end of the line. My mom was supposed to pick me up at 6:30 but was nearly an hour late, so I had to wait in McDonalds, scowling into my Ayn Rand novel. (Bezoukhoff recommended "We the Living" as the basis for my erstwhile opera about the Russian Revolution).

The party itself was fun. It was at a cheesy Queens-style disco. The DJ played plenty of late-'80's, early '90's stuff and Bro-in-Law got to take the mic and get down with his infamous Rob Base impression. I haven't laughed that hard in a while. My stepsisters were at the party and I tried to make small talk with Jewel's boyfriend, but it wasn't that easy.

Anyway, I ended up staying over at my parents place that night. I had promised LilSis that Saturday would be a "makeup day," as I promised to do her makeup for the wedding. I have to admit, I am a makeup-artist extraordinaire!

BigSis stayed over too and when we woke up on Saturday morning, my mom made french toast with blueberries for the three of us and my stepbrother. At around 1:00 (waaaaay later than planned) we left for the mall.

Now, let me be plain:

I HATE THE MALL.

Was that clear?

I H-A-T-E T-H-E M-A-L-L!!!!!!!!!!!

I have hated the mall for as long as I can remember. I'm not a "shopper," I get overwhelmed with the crowds and the gross consumerism makes me a little nauseous. (That's not to say I've transcended consumerism. I just like to pretend that in some small way I may have. The mall demolishes my denial).

But there I was in the mall... my mom, BigSis, LilSis and me. I doubt it'll happen again anytime soon.

We hit Sephora and my mom bought me a pair of silver Nike sneakers and then we went to MAC. I got really pissed off because the makeup artist at MAC pressured LilSis into her chair and then started doing her makeup. I felt useless and upstaged. What was I there for if not to do that very job myself? I was also hungry and irritable. I had to call my sponsor.

Cherubino reminded me to evaluate myself and ask if I needed to "HALT." I did. So, I got a snack. Then I found a quiet corner and said a prayer. Sometimes I think it's ridiculous to be an alcoholic. I can't even survive the MAC counter without having to call my sponsor and pray... Ugh!

Anyway, we finally survived with my mom spending nearly $400 on makeup before we headed back to her house for Italian takeout. I did LilSis's makeup in a trial run (all according to my own design, of course!) and it came out beautifully. I promised my mom to do her makeup for the wedding too, but I didn't have time to do the trial. I will probably have to go back there next weekend when I'm recovering, so I figured I could do hers then.

And then it was back to the city! My mom drove me in because I had to pick up Brick's coffee table and end tables. He's moving to LA in two weeks and so he has to get rid of all of his furniture. It went pretty smoothly except I had to be all the "muscle" in that little endeavor, hauling and lifting all of the tables in and out of the car, from the elevator to the street, etc. We also had to take out my old table. It had an extravagant painting on its surface that I made a few years ago, so I was a little sad to see it go. Brick assured me that his table has seen its share of cocaine so it should feel right at home here.

Anyway, this morning I met up with Hammer and now I'm home blogging and Brick just arrived. He's on the run because his boyfriend was being an asshole and so he's going to crash here tonight.

So... on that note, I will leave you all. I'm a little nervous about Narc coming back from LA because I haven't said a word to him about the surgery. What if he shows up for one of his new little "video-masturbations" and I'm in the hospital? What will I say?

Anyway, I need to go pay attention to Brick now. I'm going to see Pati Lupone in Gypsy tonight with my mom, LilSis, my aunt, my cousin Jol and Hammer (since BigSis got sick and can't use her ticket!).

Ok... lots of love!!!!!

h