I've had no time to blog lately. I still don't have time. Come to think of it-- I've never really had time. But it seems, right now, like there are not very many places to go with this. I'm a jumble of thoughts, a jumble of feelings, a jumble of jumble. Jumble.
Narc is in the hospital. Again. He was admitted five days ago. On Thursday we had plans to see a midnight showing of "Wall-E." He texted me at around 9:30 that he was having a very bad panic attack. He had a similar attack when I was in Texas-- the day after he was out partying himself into oblivion for CouchSleeper's birthday. Apparently he called LAGirl to help him out when I was away and she didn't get back to him for four days. He says he hates her now-- that she is just as duplicitous as all of the other women. Molded in the PopStar mold. It upsets me that it upsets him that much. He cares more than I'd like him to.
In any case, his friend Steve was with him at Cercle Rouge on Thursday when the "panic attack" began. They called 911, given the fact that he had life-threatening pulmonary embolisms a year and a half ago. When I got there, the EMTs had already arrived. Narc was hooked up to an oxygen mask. He said he couldn't feel anything in his arms or hands. Steve and I rode with him to the hospital.
Steve left at around midnight. Narc was set up in the ER and I stayed with him. There was a lot of drama there that night-- a few belligerent drunks making a scene, a couple who had been jumped on the F-train, a homeless guy who was demanding that a pair of shoes be returned to him, a girl who fell off a ladder... I stayed by his side, waiting while they ran all sorts of tests. At around 3:30 AM they came back with the results of his CT scan. He had clotting in his lungs again. The panic attacks were not panic attacks after all-- rather they were a response to a lack of oxygen passing through his lungs and an increased strain on his heart. They wanted to admit him.
Narc and I were both starving (as we were meeting for a dinner which had never been consumed) and now that he was being checked into the hospital, he wanted all sorts of things-- his laptop, a change of clothes, some books and DVDs. I dashed down to his place, picked everything up, got us some food at the deli and made it back to the ER by 4:00 AM. I stayed until around 5:00 when I finally sneaked in some sleep back at home. The next morning I brought him brunch. He was still in the ER. I spent most of the day there. I had to leave to go to LilSis' birthday party at Bartini. I wore a pink sequined shirt that reminds me of "Jem & the Hollograms."
By Saturday Narc had his own room. I brought him some food and spent a few hours there in the morning. Then I had to head out to Long Island. My stepbrother is now 21 and has graduated from all state-funded education. But, given the extent of the brain damage that he suffered and his physical disabilities, he still needs to be in some sort of program. My parents found one that does theater with disabled young adults-- people with all sorts of neurological disorders, etc. They performed "Guys and Dolls" this year and we all went to see the show. I have never seen anything more inspiring or life-affirming. I was in tears at many moments. I just don't have the words right now to really convey what it meant to me. But I was filled with a sense of "spirit" and the triumph of "life-force" over adversity.
Anyway, we all went out to eat at Benihana for a second round of birthday celebrations for LilSis before I headed back to the city. On the taxi line at Penn Station, I bumped into my stepsisters-- Jewel and Toots. I rarely ever see them anymore, as the bad blood is mounting between their mother and my mother and LilSis has even gotten involved in all that. It's bad... really bad. I try to stay out of it. (Although I once wrote about it here). They were excited to see me and happened to be going to a bar just a few blocks from where I live. I told them that I'd try to stop by. But when I called my mom on my way home and mentioned the plan to her, she made me feel guilty about it. My family has a sort of "mafioso loyalty," that might also be referred to as intense "enmeshment." I caved in to it and didn't meet my stepsisters, but it gave me a little resentment against my mom. I still have to sort all of that out.
On Sunday I went back to spend the afternoon with Narc. From his window at St. Vincent's we could see the hustle and bustle of the Gay Pride Parade in the West Village. I left there at around 4:00 to meet Cherubino at Union Square, but went back to the hospital at around 6:30 PM. When I got back, CouchSleeper and Narc's friend Monika were there-- the girl he bought a horse for back in February. I felt a little awkward with her, but totally comfortable with Couchy, so it was alright. Anyway, they both left by 8:00 and I stayed with him until around 9:00 PM.
This morning I went back to the hospital again, after making a pit stop at his apartment to pick up some more things for him. I brought him a sandwich from Subway as per his request. I have been running around for him like a chicken with her head cut off and I have very mixed feelings about doing it. On the one hand, I want to scream-- "You couldn't even invite me to your birthday party, yet I'm taking your food orders every day and going to your apartment on demand!" On the other hand, I love him and he's my friend and he's sick and I love being able to be there for him. There's a part of me that just delights in rising to the occasion when I'm asked to be a martyr. But I'm feeling a lot of strain and a lot of anxiety. I'm not sleeping very well. Even when I do sleep, I seem to wake still tired.
I'm worried about his drinking-- I'm worried that he won't stop and that he'll just get sick on the Coumadin if he drinks on it. Or that he'll stop taking the medication so that he can drink and then he'll suddenly die. Or I'm worried that he'll stop drinking and then our relationship will end because he'll change. I know that's a sick and crazy thought (and a selfish one!) but it's not a real "thought"-- it's more like a fear. I am sick and full of fear. The night that he was in the ER, he said that he might have a problem with alcohol. He even said: "Maybe I should read that book of yours one of these days." But in the morning, that seemed to have gone away. He insisted that a lifetime of Coumadin was probably just a scam for the doctors to earn money for the drug companies. I think he is scared too. His liver enzymes are up. I wonder what the numbers are. I wonder if they are as bad as mine were.
Tomorrow B is leaving town for about five weeks. I haven't seen or heard from Bezoukhoff in about a month either. I am so grateful to have my family, to have my sponsor and to have my sponsee. But so much is changing and so fast.
I went to yoga today with my friend Drew from AA. I haven't been in a while. It felt like those muscles were just breathing, just awakening for the first time. There was a burn of newness about the whole thing. In some ways I feel like that about my whole life-- that I'm just opening my eyes to the world-- that the oxygen is just now first hitting my lungs. The light is bright and I'm uncomfortable. I think I need to go to Al-anon but I don't want to find time for the meeting because I want to stay available to sit all day in the hospital with Narc. I haven't gotten any work done and I start teaching next week. I'm SO unprepared!! I was supposed to go camping this weekend but I don't want to go because I don't want to be out of reach.
"Of course you should go," he shrugs as if it doesn't matter-- as if he doesn't need me at all.
So many lies. There are so many lies in the way that I live my life.
I don't want to go because I desperately want things calm around here. I desperately crave routine. Only, I don't know how to carve one out for myself. I want to organize my apartment. I want to have quiet dinners. I want a stable boy. I want to enjoy my work.
I'm starting to feel very stressed out, just in the process of writing this post. I think that's why I've been blogging less. I need to walk away from the computer right now. I think I want to go watch some television.
Hope you are all well out there.
lots of love,
h
Oh-- by the way-- I got that job I interviewed for last week. Hooray for me.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
The Lone-Star State
Today I am grateful for the most delicious apricot spread from le Pain Quotidienne. Yum, Yum, Yum!! As I type, I have a "hair mask" of conditioner on my head and "Interview with a Vampire" is on TV. I used to love this movie; now it is hopelessly hokey.
Anyway, I had a great time in Texas. My first night there, (after a brief trip to an enormous supermarket!) Liu took me out for Tex Mex, which she insisted was different from any Mexican food to be found in New York City. She is very particular about her tortillas. We went out with a friend of hers from work and a bunch of his friends. They took us around to some of the gay bars in Houston. We met a strange guy named Peter (a straight guy who just happens to spend his time on the gay circuit). He told us all about his forays into ultimate fighting. Liu's friend Matthew became very confessional to me. A lot of interesting things happened. Suffice it to say, it was a strange night overall, but good to be back out on the town with Liu just like the old days!
On Thursday, Liu's friend D came over and the three of us sang for a few hours. D is one of Liu's oldest friends. I've heard a lot about her over the years, but had never had the chance to meet her. We did our best to sightread some strangely arranged SSA trios before it was time to go out for the evening. Whereas we had gone into the city on Wednesday night, on Thursday is was time for the country bars!
Our first destination was "Big Texas," a dance hall and saloon. I was very happy to be able to smoke inside and quickly commenced to chain smoke for the rest of the evening. (Again-- just like the old days!). The place was pretty empty. There were a few bands playing. I liked one of the singers. (He pointed to me from the stage and later gave me a free t-shirt). At one point, some cowboy came up to the three of us, hoping for a dance. We all three insisted that we didn't know how to two-step, but he kept saying that he could teach us. Finally, due to the fact that this was basically a one-time experience for me, I agreed. The dance floor was circular-- like a running track and we made our way around it a few times. When we tired of that place, we headed over to "Tumbleweeds," a much more happening saloon. There, the dance floor was jam packed and we didn't dare try to break in to all that. Instead, we parked ourselves at a little table near to the dance floor to watch everything that was going on. It was a dangerous spot to be in-- three girls with no men. We had to fend off the suitors who viciously and persistently were upon us. Most of them couldn't take "no" for an answer. There were beer bottles and cowboy hats everywhere. Finally, we moved to a more remote part of the bar, hoping to stay out of the line of fire. Despite the pestering men, I had a great time. One of them told me that I looked like a "yankee." I doubt it though-- he only said that after I told him I was from NY.
On Friday it was off to Galveston. It was a really interesting town. In some ways it felt like the Jersey shore. But there was a whole other side to it-- a historic district with gorgeous old mansions. We parked and got ice cream and poked around a store called "the Golden Mermaid." Then we headed over to tour some of the big houses-- first "Bishop's Palace," built by the Greshem family and then "Ashton Villa" built by the Browns. It was eerily fascinating to hear about the lives of these people and to imagine their social world and their time-- all before the big hurricane of 1900-- a hurricane that killed 8,000 people and ended Galveston's day in the sun. After that, the town basically went into decline. One of the most interesting characters we encountered was "Bettie Brown." Liu had a few more details about her, as she had taken those tours before. I definitely want to learn more about it all.
After touring the houses, we got a bite to eat at a little seafood joint near the seawall and then we headed over to East Beach to lounge around on the gulf. Pelicans swooped down into the sea and jumping fish hopped up over the quiet waves. I've started reading Ulysses and made my way through a few more pages. All three of us waded out in the water, as far as we dare go.
On Saturday Liu and I lounged around, chatted all day and watched Nights of Cabiria. I loved it and can still hear Cabiria crying "Wanda!" in my head. That night, she got tickets for us, her friend Joey and her boyfriend (the Cowboy, in case you forgot!) to go see Cyndi Lauper's "True Colors Tour." It was a great show, including not only Cyndi, but Joan Jett and the B-52's and Andy Bell from Erasure. We sat outside on a huge lawn overlooking an amphitheater.
On Sunday, Liu and I just hung out some more, watching dvd's of Madonna's "Drowned" tour, and excerpts from the Zeferelli Traviata and parts of Aida. I got to make my amends to her and we had a really good chat about the way things were and the way things have changed. Then she took me to the airport.
I have more to say about what's been happening on the Narc front, but I think I'll leave that for a separate post. There were also some difficult things that happened-- my sponsee had a little emotional crisis while I was gone and Bro-in-Law's cousin passed away from cancer. But, I don't want to get overly analytical-- not even about the trip to Texas. This post will stay about friendship and getting out of the city and experiencing new things.
I have to say-- going anywhere else always reminds me that I am indelibly a New Yorker right through to the bone!
love,
h
PS: I have an interview in the morning for a teaching job at a great school for Spring 2009. Wish me luck!!
Anyway, I had a great time in Texas. My first night there, (after a brief trip to an enormous supermarket!) Liu took me out for Tex Mex, which she insisted was different from any Mexican food to be found in New York City. She is very particular about her tortillas. We went out with a friend of hers from work and a bunch of his friends. They took us around to some of the gay bars in Houston. We met a strange guy named Peter (a straight guy who just happens to spend his time on the gay circuit). He told us all about his forays into ultimate fighting. Liu's friend Matthew became very confessional to me. A lot of interesting things happened. Suffice it to say, it was a strange night overall, but good to be back out on the town with Liu just like the old days!
On Thursday, Liu's friend D came over and the three of us sang for a few hours. D is one of Liu's oldest friends. I've heard a lot about her over the years, but had never had the chance to meet her. We did our best to sightread some strangely arranged SSA trios before it was time to go out for the evening. Whereas we had gone into the city on Wednesday night, on Thursday is was time for the country bars!
Our first destination was "Big Texas," a dance hall and saloon. I was very happy to be able to smoke inside and quickly commenced to chain smoke for the rest of the evening. (Again-- just like the old days!). The place was pretty empty. There were a few bands playing. I liked one of the singers. (He pointed to me from the stage and later gave me a free t-shirt). At one point, some cowboy came up to the three of us, hoping for a dance. We all three insisted that we didn't know how to two-step, but he kept saying that he could teach us. Finally, due to the fact that this was basically a one-time experience for me, I agreed. The dance floor was circular-- like a running track and we made our way around it a few times. When we tired of that place, we headed over to "Tumbleweeds," a much more happening saloon. There, the dance floor was jam packed and we didn't dare try to break in to all that. Instead, we parked ourselves at a little table near to the dance floor to watch everything that was going on. It was a dangerous spot to be in-- three girls with no men. We had to fend off the suitors who viciously and persistently were upon us. Most of them couldn't take "no" for an answer. There were beer bottles and cowboy hats everywhere. Finally, we moved to a more remote part of the bar, hoping to stay out of the line of fire. Despite the pestering men, I had a great time. One of them told me that I looked like a "yankee." I doubt it though-- he only said that after I told him I was from NY.
On Friday it was off to Galveston. It was a really interesting town. In some ways it felt like the Jersey shore. But there was a whole other side to it-- a historic district with gorgeous old mansions. We parked and got ice cream and poked around a store called "the Golden Mermaid." Then we headed over to tour some of the big houses-- first "Bishop's Palace," built by the Greshem family and then "Ashton Villa" built by the Browns. It was eerily fascinating to hear about the lives of these people and to imagine their social world and their time-- all before the big hurricane of 1900-- a hurricane that killed 8,000 people and ended Galveston's day in the sun. After that, the town basically went into decline. One of the most interesting characters we encountered was "Bettie Brown." Liu had a few more details about her, as she had taken those tours before. I definitely want to learn more about it all.
After touring the houses, we got a bite to eat at a little seafood joint near the seawall and then we headed over to East Beach to lounge around on the gulf. Pelicans swooped down into the sea and jumping fish hopped up over the quiet waves. I've started reading Ulysses and made my way through a few more pages. All three of us waded out in the water, as far as we dare go.
On Saturday Liu and I lounged around, chatted all day and watched Nights of Cabiria. I loved it and can still hear Cabiria crying "Wanda!" in my head. That night, she got tickets for us, her friend Joey and her boyfriend (the Cowboy, in case you forgot!) to go see Cyndi Lauper's "True Colors Tour." It was a great show, including not only Cyndi, but Joan Jett and the B-52's and Andy Bell from Erasure. We sat outside on a huge lawn overlooking an amphitheater.
On Sunday, Liu and I just hung out some more, watching dvd's of Madonna's "Drowned" tour, and excerpts from the Zeferelli Traviata and parts of Aida. I got to make my amends to her and we had a really good chat about the way things were and the way things have changed. Then she took me to the airport.
I have more to say about what's been happening on the Narc front, but I think I'll leave that for a separate post. There were also some difficult things that happened-- my sponsee had a little emotional crisis while I was gone and Bro-in-Law's cousin passed away from cancer. But, I don't want to get overly analytical-- not even about the trip to Texas. This post will stay about friendship and getting out of the city and experiencing new things.
I have to say-- going anywhere else always reminds me that I am indelibly a New Yorker right through to the bone!
love,
h
PS: I have an interview in the morning for a teaching job at a great school for Spring 2009. Wish me luck!!
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
To Texas!
Things are a little all over the place right now. Feel like I'm in the midst of a giant mental transition. Weird week with Narc, weird week with seeing babies/pregnant people everywhere.
Weird, weird, weird.
I'm off to Texas tomorrow to visit Liu. I'm feeling more and more like a fish out of water whenever I leave the island of Manhattan. We'll see how I handle Houston.
Hope you are all well out there...!
love,
h
Weird, weird, weird.
I'm off to Texas tomorrow to visit Liu. I'm feeling more and more like a fish out of water whenever I leave the island of Manhattan. We'll see how I handle Houston.
Hope you are all well out there...!
love,
h
Monday, June 9, 2008
The Great Back-and-Forth
Sorry for causing your withdrawal, Shorty! That has certainly not been the intention of my absence. It has been helpful for me not to obsess over every little detail of every Narc-interaction by writing it all down here. That said, I miss blogging when I stay away...
Anyway, a lot has been going on. For starters, Bezoukhoff proposed to a girl he's only been dating for a few weeks. I think I'll call her "Medici." I asked him how he knew it was the right thing to do.
"We just click," he said.
God bless him for that!
Things with Narc have been up and down as always. He basically disappeared a few weeks ago-- we went from seeing each other on a semi-daily basis to not seeing each other at all. I think I mentioned that in my last post, as it had already started then. I texted him a few times telling him that I missed him in a "casual" way, and he responded in an equally casual way with something to the effect of: am sure will see you soon, hon!
In any case, the more days that passed, the more anxious I felt. I ended up seeing him on Friday, May 30th and I found out that he had met some new girl (and went on a date with her?)-- a friend of his friend-- and that he was playing phone tag with her all week, while avoiding me. This information made me sick to my stomach, but in a numb way. Who the fuck knows where I emotionally store this stuff at this point... I stayed over his place that night, but didn't talk to him for the next few days after that. On Saturday I went to Bro-in-Law's 30th birthday party and on Sunday I hung out with StarGazer at her apartment for a while and then went to a party at Medici's place in Astoria.
On Monday, Anxious was in town and we met for lunch at Bloomingdale's. I bought a new perfume-- "Bronze Goddess" and I am now obsessed with it. I also bought a bronzer for summer. I'm pretty pale and usually go for wintry looks, so we'll see if I can pull it off.
I sent Narc a text that afternoon:
Is something going on with you???
He wrote back an hour or so later:
Working hon! Weren't you the one who said "with this offer, why aren't you spending every moment on your script...?" Looking to finish this week then. Call soon.
So, I replied:
I'm glad that you're working. I just have the feeling that something else is going on with you. I don't know. Maybe I just need to get out of this...
Trying to get my life together, finally! Surely you know the feeling, he said.
I didn't respond.
On Tuesday after AA, I had dinner with my friend NV. He marveled at the fact that I am still seeing Narc and we had a long talk about it. I really felt my feet at the edge of an enormous cliff, about to take the leap. After what happened with his birthday, not even I can pretend that we have any shot at any sort of future. Still, I feel immobilized and full of fear. NV suggested that I make some lists-- what are some good things that Narc has done for me and what are some bad thing that he's done. Why should I stay with him, and why shouldn't I? I came home and made the lists and nearly posted them here on this blog, but for some reason, I just couldn't click "publish post."
I called my mom later that night and told her that I am lonely. I am. I want a companion and Narc is never going to be that person for me. I was feeling abandoned, but strange. The world seemed to expand in size with each passing day that I didn't hear from him.
On Wednesday I had plans to meet up with B before my voice lesson. He was going to come with me to my lesson and then the two of us were heading over to a "Summer Sing"-- an impromptu singing of the Brahms Requiem. I have a new cell phone and fumbled when it rang on Wednesday afternoon, inadvertently answering it, before I could see who it was that was calling. I was mildly shocked to hear Narc's voice on the other end of the line after his prolonged absence.
"It's been a little while," he said.
"Yeah."
I felt and sounded like a robot.
"Well, I'm not doing anything today," he said. "I'm just lounging around down here, so..."
("So...? So, what?" I wanted to ask. "So... come suck your dick?")
"I'm busy this afternoon," I said. "I'm going to my voice lesson and then to some choral thing with B. I can't hang out."
"Oh, well, no problem, hon! Just give me a call when you're done with all that."
"Yeah... okay, whatever."
I felt unsettled and scared and pissed at myself and pissed at him when I hung up the phone. I headed over to my voice lesson even so. My sponsee called while I was in the cab and being of service to her really helped me take my mind off of my own self-obsession.
I had a decent lesson and B and I had fun at the Brahms rehearsal. A lot of people came over to talk to me at the break and then at the end of the run-through because I stood out as a skilled singer. B seemed annoyed when some guy was talking to me at the end and rudely interrupted us by waving his arms. That prompted a mini-spat between me and B, but it blew over. I was just trying to reach out and make conversation with new people mostly because my mom had told me that if I felt lonely I should try to have a more open energy and talk to everyone I meet.
When I got home that night, I sent Narc a text-- only because he was expecting me to call.
Just back home, but think I'm in for the night...
It took him a little while to respond.
As you like hon. Talk in a bit, he said.
That made me crazy. It made me anxious. I don't know why, but this is clearly the crux of my sickness when it comes to him. I couldn't bear it. So, I wrote back again.
unless you feel like coming up here... I said.
He didn't answer, and so I felt worse and worse. I wrote to him again:
Just let me know soon or I'll assume that's a "no..."
He called around midnight and said that he had been out with his friend Steve at Cercle Rouge.
"If you're down for the night, I don't have to come," he said.
I felt torn and anxious.
"Just come up here, okay?"
I met him at Cheers. He was drinking Jack Daniels with just a splash of diet coke. It looked like iced tea. We sat there and chatted for a while.
"It's over between me and my mom," he said.
"What do you mean?"
"We had it out this week. Actually, she mentioned you," he smiled.
"What? What are you talking about?"
"I called her because I needed some cash and she was being awful about it," he explained. "So, I told her to forget it-- that I could borrow from you or CouchSleeper or whoever. And she actually said not to bother you-- 'Don't borrow money from Hyde. She's such a nice girl... and not after what you put her through when you were in the hospital!' Can you believe her?"
"Wait-- what? Why would she say that?"
"She thinks I put her through something... that I put you through something. I was the one who was sick!" he said. "I was the one going through something. She's always been like this though."
"Narc, you and I have been through a lot... A lot of uncomfortable things and a lot of pain... But showing up for you when you were sick was NOT an inconvenience. It was not a trouble for me. That's ridiculous."
"That's my mother," he said. "And she called me a few days later. She was drunk. She told me not to contact her again-- that she would set something up with the bank that would automatically deposit money for me, so we won't ever have to talk again."
I felt terrible for him and gave him a hug. I just slung my arms around his neck and held on. But, I still thought it was phenomenally weird that his mother even remembered me, let alone brought me up, let alone defended me. So strange...
We stayed there a while longer while Narc had at least another six or seven drinks. FightingMensch was there drinking at the other end of the bar. I haven't seen him in forever! At some point, he was totally blitzed and on his way out. He stopped by to say hello. He told me that he got married.
"Really? Congrats! Who did you marry?"
"Some chick. She likes to shop."
"That's great, congrats," I said again.
"You've lost a lot of weight," he pointed out. "Is that rude of me to say? I mean, is it rude to say it?"
He smiled a drunken, bleary smile.
"No, FightingMensch, it's okay. I think at this point, I've lost enough weight that it would be rude if you were not to say anything."
"But you're healthy, though, right?" he asked.
"Yes, I'm healthy. Very happy."
"Still off the bottle? And you're not seeing that guy anymore are you?"
Oh, god, this was about to get awkward.
"Um... no... everything's good now," I said.
"You're not still seeing that guy?"
He was repeating himself in the way that only drunk people do.
"I hope you're not seeing that guy, Hyde. He was no good for you."
"I'm not seeing him. It's all okay now."
Narc wasn't saying anything through all of this, but I could feel him tensing up. Maybe it was my own tension. Whatever it was, I wanted the moment to pass.
When FightingMensch stumbled out, I turned to Narc.
"Did you hear what he said?"
"Um... no... I wasn't listening," he said.
"What he said about me not seeing that guy anymore?"
"Oh-- whatever."
"You know who he was talking about?"
"No..."
"He was talking about you, Narc!"
We went outside to smoke a cigarette.
"Why would he think I'm so awful?"
"All the shit that used to go down between us-- I got drunk and had a big mouth. I was always heartbroken. You just 'weren't that into me.'"
"If it helps, Hyde, I wasn't 'that into' anyone."
"I doesn't help," I laughed. "But, I showed up with choke marks once... and a black eye once. Remember? They thought that was from you. Also, all the craziness when I was pregnant."
"Oh, man! That guy probably wanted to punch me in the face!"
"That's why I didn't tell him it was you."
Anyway, we came home, had a lot of sex and that was Wednesday night.
On Thursday we had sushi for lunch and then I met up with my sponsor. We played some guitar hero and then I went to AA. When I got out, Narc had left me a message. He invited me to come down to watch some Hitchcock movies. I got there at around 10:00 PM and we watched To Catch a Thief.
On Friday we left his place together, taking the subway uptown. We both had therapy, but in different parts of town. In the afternoon I wandered around Union Square and bought an awesome book called "Apartment Therapy." That night I went to go hear my friend Drew give her first qualification at AA. She was great. Afterwards she wanted to go out. We headed down to the West Village and ate at Isle. Then we parked ourselves at Marie's Crisis and sang the night away. I had a great time getting to know her better. She's got about five months in the program and we have a lot in common. At Marie's the pianist has officially learned my name and told me that his mother's first name is similar to mine. My cell phone battery died just before 1:00 AM, as I forgot to charge it the night before at Narc's. I was slightly anxious about it, but tried to convince myself to stay present, to stay in the moment, and reminded myself that Narc and I didn't have any plans and I don't have to be constantly available.
When I got home at around 3:45 AM and plugged in my phone, I saw that I had missed several texts from Narc. He apparently had gone to Cheers looking for me. He left me a voice message at around 1:30 AM and another several hours later. In the second message, he was so drunk, so obliterated that he couldn't speak. It was a little scary. I dropped the phone and raced out the door to Cheers. The doors were locked, but I banged on the window. BarMan answered.
"Your boyfriend's in the bathroom," the bouncer said.
I went back there and knocked on the door.
"Narc? Narc! Are you okay?"
He finally emerged, his eyes bulging and bloodshot, barely able to walk. I took his hand and led him to the door. PumpedUp looked at me incredulously. I suddenly felt very foolish for a whole slew of reasons.
Back at my place, Narc just wanted to make out and have more and more and more sex, which entailed a lot of sloppy drunk pawing. All of that kept me up until well after 5:00 AM. When he finally passed out, he snored so loudly that I couldn't get to sleep.
On Saturday we slept in until at least 4:00 PM. I cleaned my kitchen for the rest of the afternoon and into the evening while he watched TV. It felt cozy and domestic to me and I felt myself receding into fantasy land, but I was happy for the moment.
In the afternoon, both my mom and Cherubino called and I didn't mention to either that I was with Narc at that moment. I just couldn't deal with it there and then.
"Interesting that you didn't say you were with me," he said.
"Why, are you offended?"
"I'm just saying-- you're supposed to be all about honesty with your whole AA thing and you're not being honest."
"I'm not being dishonest."
"I bet your mom doesn't even know that you've been seeing me since we split in April," he said.
"That's not true. I told her I was seeing you again. She knows how upset I was about your birthday. Besides, why do you care?"
"I don't!" he insisted. "I"m just saying... you're trying to be all honest, so..."
"It just causes aggravation, Narc. They're just going to tell me not to see you."
"Why would they say that?"
"Are you serious? Because this relationship causes me pain. Because you don't want to be with me-- you've made that clear. And they think I deserve more than that."
He didn't say anything.
"Besides, you've done that to me a hundred times!"
"Not really."
"Yes... you're always doing that. I'll be at your house and you'll get on the phone with someone and say you're just bumming around at home or whatever and leave out the fact that I'm there."
"It's not intentional if I did that," he said.
"Not intentional? You even did it in writing!!"
I reminded him of his blog entry from three years ago.
"I spent the whole weekend with you and then you went and wrote about how you did nothing all weekend so you jumped at the chance to have dinner with the Exhibitionist."
"I wouldn't have done that," he said.
"Let's check it out!"
I went online and read him his entry.
"If I wrote that, then we must not have spent the weekend together."
"Oh, really? Well, let's go take a look at my blog from that weekend!"
I read to him how I had met him on Friday night, what he had been wearing, where we had gone for brunch on Saturday, etc.
My point was made.
That night, we headed over to Hooters for a bite to eat. Mostly, we went there as a joke. The food was so heavy that it was practically inedible. And Narc started downing Jack Daniels just to stabilize himself. He didn't remember me getting him home the night before.
We relocated from midtown down to his neighborhood, ending up at The Odeon for dessert. He must have had five or six whiskeys in the hour and wasn't even tipsy. I pointed out that he needed all that just to feel "normal."
"Yeah, I guess my tolerance for Jack is pretty high," he laughed.
It scares me though.
I felt love, but I felt moody.
"Why didn't you invite me to your birthday, Narc!" I asked again, after turning the words over in my head silently for half an hour.
"I didn't DO anything for my birthday!"
"That's not true."
We had the same dumb-ass, pointless conversation yet again. We dropped the subject, unresolved, yet again.
Then we went back to his place for bed.
On Sunday I headed out to Long Island to spend the day with my family. My mom took me shopping for swimsuits at Macy's and then I joined my sisters and grandpa and brothers-in-law lolling around in the pool to escape the sweltering heat that has been upon us. My step-dad came home and barbecued. It was a nice afternoon.
I got back to the city at around 9:00 PM on Sunday night. I showered and changed and headed back downtown to meet Narc again. We watched North by Northwest. He made me a little dish of yogurt and berries and honey.
This morning we slept in and then had lunch at Megu. Afterwards, I went with him while he got his hair cut. Over lunch he told me that I should write a book out of my blog. I like the idea, but told him that I suck as an editor, always struggle with the fact that I can't leave anything out, and would have no idea how to create an overarching storyline.
"I can help you with that," he said. So, later on in the afternoon, he gave me an hour-long lesson about screenwriting structure. I sat at his counter and took notes. It was kind of sweet.
This evening I met up with my sponsee and then had dinner with NDN and his girlfriend, Tamika. NDN has a car for his job, so he drove us over the George Washington Bridge for dinner at the Cheesecake Factory in New Jersey. The portions were fucking enormous! I really like Tamika. She seems like a cool girl and her temperament compliments NDN. I found out that Tamika's best friend is dating a guy who lived in my suite in college my junior year. Weird... After dinner, we stopped briefly at the storage facility (or what NDN likes to call his "drug den") and then came back home.
And that about brings you all up to date on my life. I'm too tired to process anything beyond that for now. Writing such an extensive catch-up has wiped me out! I'm listening to Purcell's music for Queen Mary's funeral. It is dim and quiet in my apartment with just the hum of my airconditioner, soft Baroque melodies and Mr. Rochester's big green eyes. I am hoping the heat wave will pass soon. Next week I'm off to Texas to visit Liu. I'm really excited for the trip.
Anyway, I hope you are all well out there.
lots of love!
h
Anyway, a lot has been going on. For starters, Bezoukhoff proposed to a girl he's only been dating for a few weeks. I think I'll call her "Medici." I asked him how he knew it was the right thing to do.
"We just click," he said.
God bless him for that!
Things with Narc have been up and down as always. He basically disappeared a few weeks ago-- we went from seeing each other on a semi-daily basis to not seeing each other at all. I think I mentioned that in my last post, as it had already started then. I texted him a few times telling him that I missed him in a "casual" way, and he responded in an equally casual way with something to the effect of: am sure will see you soon, hon!
In any case, the more days that passed, the more anxious I felt. I ended up seeing him on Friday, May 30th and I found out that he had met some new girl (and went on a date with her?)-- a friend of his friend-- and that he was playing phone tag with her all week, while avoiding me. This information made me sick to my stomach, but in a numb way. Who the fuck knows where I emotionally store this stuff at this point... I stayed over his place that night, but didn't talk to him for the next few days after that. On Saturday I went to Bro-in-Law's 30th birthday party and on Sunday I hung out with StarGazer at her apartment for a while and then went to a party at Medici's place in Astoria.
On Monday, Anxious was in town and we met for lunch at Bloomingdale's. I bought a new perfume-- "Bronze Goddess" and I am now obsessed with it. I also bought a bronzer for summer. I'm pretty pale and usually go for wintry looks, so we'll see if I can pull it off.
I sent Narc a text that afternoon:
Is something going on with you???
He wrote back an hour or so later:
Working hon! Weren't you the one who said "with this offer, why aren't you spending every moment on your script...?" Looking to finish this week then. Call soon.
So, I replied:
I'm glad that you're working. I just have the feeling that something else is going on with you. I don't know. Maybe I just need to get out of this...
Trying to get my life together, finally! Surely you know the feeling, he said.
I didn't respond.
On Tuesday after AA, I had dinner with my friend NV. He marveled at the fact that I am still seeing Narc and we had a long talk about it. I really felt my feet at the edge of an enormous cliff, about to take the leap. After what happened with his birthday, not even I can pretend that we have any shot at any sort of future. Still, I feel immobilized and full of fear. NV suggested that I make some lists-- what are some good things that Narc has done for me and what are some bad thing that he's done. Why should I stay with him, and why shouldn't I? I came home and made the lists and nearly posted them here on this blog, but for some reason, I just couldn't click "publish post."
I called my mom later that night and told her that I am lonely. I am. I want a companion and Narc is never going to be that person for me. I was feeling abandoned, but strange. The world seemed to expand in size with each passing day that I didn't hear from him.
On Wednesday I had plans to meet up with B before my voice lesson. He was going to come with me to my lesson and then the two of us were heading over to a "Summer Sing"-- an impromptu singing of the Brahms Requiem. I have a new cell phone and fumbled when it rang on Wednesday afternoon, inadvertently answering it, before I could see who it was that was calling. I was mildly shocked to hear Narc's voice on the other end of the line after his prolonged absence.
"It's been a little while," he said.
"Yeah."
I felt and sounded like a robot.
"Well, I'm not doing anything today," he said. "I'm just lounging around down here, so..."
("So...? So, what?" I wanted to ask. "So... come suck your dick?")
"I'm busy this afternoon," I said. "I'm going to my voice lesson and then to some choral thing with B. I can't hang out."
"Oh, well, no problem, hon! Just give me a call when you're done with all that."
"Yeah... okay, whatever."
I felt unsettled and scared and pissed at myself and pissed at him when I hung up the phone. I headed over to my voice lesson even so. My sponsee called while I was in the cab and being of service to her really helped me take my mind off of my own self-obsession.
I had a decent lesson and B and I had fun at the Brahms rehearsal. A lot of people came over to talk to me at the break and then at the end of the run-through because I stood out as a skilled singer. B seemed annoyed when some guy was talking to me at the end and rudely interrupted us by waving his arms. That prompted a mini-spat between me and B, but it blew over. I was just trying to reach out and make conversation with new people mostly because my mom had told me that if I felt lonely I should try to have a more open energy and talk to everyone I meet.
When I got home that night, I sent Narc a text-- only because he was expecting me to call.
Just back home, but think I'm in for the night...
It took him a little while to respond.
As you like hon. Talk in a bit, he said.
That made me crazy. It made me anxious. I don't know why, but this is clearly the crux of my sickness when it comes to him. I couldn't bear it. So, I wrote back again.
unless you feel like coming up here... I said.
He didn't answer, and so I felt worse and worse. I wrote to him again:
Just let me know soon or I'll assume that's a "no..."
He called around midnight and said that he had been out with his friend Steve at Cercle Rouge.
"If you're down for the night, I don't have to come," he said.
I felt torn and anxious.
"Just come up here, okay?"
I met him at Cheers. He was drinking Jack Daniels with just a splash of diet coke. It looked like iced tea. We sat there and chatted for a while.
"It's over between me and my mom," he said.
"What do you mean?"
"We had it out this week. Actually, she mentioned you," he smiled.
"What? What are you talking about?"
"I called her because I needed some cash and she was being awful about it," he explained. "So, I told her to forget it-- that I could borrow from you or CouchSleeper or whoever. And she actually said not to bother you-- 'Don't borrow money from Hyde. She's such a nice girl... and not after what you put her through when you were in the hospital!' Can you believe her?"
"Wait-- what? Why would she say that?"
"She thinks I put her through something... that I put you through something. I was the one who was sick!" he said. "I was the one going through something. She's always been like this though."
"Narc, you and I have been through a lot... A lot of uncomfortable things and a lot of pain... But showing up for you when you were sick was NOT an inconvenience. It was not a trouble for me. That's ridiculous."
"That's my mother," he said. "And she called me a few days later. She was drunk. She told me not to contact her again-- that she would set something up with the bank that would automatically deposit money for me, so we won't ever have to talk again."
I felt terrible for him and gave him a hug. I just slung my arms around his neck and held on. But, I still thought it was phenomenally weird that his mother even remembered me, let alone brought me up, let alone defended me. So strange...
We stayed there a while longer while Narc had at least another six or seven drinks. FightingMensch was there drinking at the other end of the bar. I haven't seen him in forever! At some point, he was totally blitzed and on his way out. He stopped by to say hello. He told me that he got married.
"Really? Congrats! Who did you marry?"
"Some chick. She likes to shop."
"That's great, congrats," I said again.
"You've lost a lot of weight," he pointed out. "Is that rude of me to say? I mean, is it rude to say it?"
He smiled a drunken, bleary smile.
"No, FightingMensch, it's okay. I think at this point, I've lost enough weight that it would be rude if you were not to say anything."
"But you're healthy, though, right?" he asked.
"Yes, I'm healthy. Very happy."
"Still off the bottle? And you're not seeing that guy anymore are you?"
Oh, god, this was about to get awkward.
"Um... no... everything's good now," I said.
"You're not still seeing that guy?"
He was repeating himself in the way that only drunk people do.
"I hope you're not seeing that guy, Hyde. He was no good for you."
"I'm not seeing him. It's all okay now."
Narc wasn't saying anything through all of this, but I could feel him tensing up. Maybe it was my own tension. Whatever it was, I wanted the moment to pass.
When FightingMensch stumbled out, I turned to Narc.
"Did you hear what he said?"
"Um... no... I wasn't listening," he said.
"What he said about me not seeing that guy anymore?"
"Oh-- whatever."
"You know who he was talking about?"
"No..."
"He was talking about you, Narc!"
We went outside to smoke a cigarette.
"Why would he think I'm so awful?"
"All the shit that used to go down between us-- I got drunk and had a big mouth. I was always heartbroken. You just 'weren't that into me.'"
"If it helps, Hyde, I wasn't 'that into' anyone."
"I doesn't help," I laughed. "But, I showed up with choke marks once... and a black eye once. Remember? They thought that was from you. Also, all the craziness when I was pregnant."
"Oh, man! That guy probably wanted to punch me in the face!"
"That's why I didn't tell him it was you."
Anyway, we came home, had a lot of sex and that was Wednesday night.
On Thursday we had sushi for lunch and then I met up with my sponsor. We played some guitar hero and then I went to AA. When I got out, Narc had left me a message. He invited me to come down to watch some Hitchcock movies. I got there at around 10:00 PM and we watched To Catch a Thief.
On Friday we left his place together, taking the subway uptown. We both had therapy, but in different parts of town. In the afternoon I wandered around Union Square and bought an awesome book called "Apartment Therapy." That night I went to go hear my friend Drew give her first qualification at AA. She was great. Afterwards she wanted to go out. We headed down to the West Village and ate at Isle. Then we parked ourselves at Marie's Crisis and sang the night away. I had a great time getting to know her better. She's got about five months in the program and we have a lot in common. At Marie's the pianist has officially learned my name and told me that his mother's first name is similar to mine. My cell phone battery died just before 1:00 AM, as I forgot to charge it the night before at Narc's. I was slightly anxious about it, but tried to convince myself to stay present, to stay in the moment, and reminded myself that Narc and I didn't have any plans and I don't have to be constantly available.
When I got home at around 3:45 AM and plugged in my phone, I saw that I had missed several texts from Narc. He apparently had gone to Cheers looking for me. He left me a voice message at around 1:30 AM and another several hours later. In the second message, he was so drunk, so obliterated that he couldn't speak. It was a little scary. I dropped the phone and raced out the door to Cheers. The doors were locked, but I banged on the window. BarMan answered.
"Your boyfriend's in the bathroom," the bouncer said.
I went back there and knocked on the door.
"Narc? Narc! Are you okay?"
He finally emerged, his eyes bulging and bloodshot, barely able to walk. I took his hand and led him to the door. PumpedUp looked at me incredulously. I suddenly felt very foolish for a whole slew of reasons.
Back at my place, Narc just wanted to make out and have more and more and more sex, which entailed a lot of sloppy drunk pawing. All of that kept me up until well after 5:00 AM. When he finally passed out, he snored so loudly that I couldn't get to sleep.
On Saturday we slept in until at least 4:00 PM. I cleaned my kitchen for the rest of the afternoon and into the evening while he watched TV. It felt cozy and domestic to me and I felt myself receding into fantasy land, but I was happy for the moment.
In the afternoon, both my mom and Cherubino called and I didn't mention to either that I was with Narc at that moment. I just couldn't deal with it there and then.
"Interesting that you didn't say you were with me," he said.
"Why, are you offended?"
"I'm just saying-- you're supposed to be all about honesty with your whole AA thing and you're not being honest."
"I'm not being dishonest."
"I bet your mom doesn't even know that you've been seeing me since we split in April," he said.
"That's not true. I told her I was seeing you again. She knows how upset I was about your birthday. Besides, why do you care?"
"I don't!" he insisted. "I"m just saying... you're trying to be all honest, so..."
"It just causes aggravation, Narc. They're just going to tell me not to see you."
"Why would they say that?"
"Are you serious? Because this relationship causes me pain. Because you don't want to be with me-- you've made that clear. And they think I deserve more than that."
He didn't say anything.
"Besides, you've done that to me a hundred times!"
"Not really."
"Yes... you're always doing that. I'll be at your house and you'll get on the phone with someone and say you're just bumming around at home or whatever and leave out the fact that I'm there."
"It's not intentional if I did that," he said.
"Not intentional? You even did it in writing!!"
I reminded him of his blog entry from three years ago.
"I spent the whole weekend with you and then you went and wrote about how you did nothing all weekend so you jumped at the chance to have dinner with the Exhibitionist."
"I wouldn't have done that," he said.
"Let's check it out!"
I went online and read him his entry.
"If I wrote that, then we must not have spent the weekend together."
"Oh, really? Well, let's go take a look at my blog from that weekend!"
I read to him how I had met him on Friday night, what he had been wearing, where we had gone for brunch on Saturday, etc.
My point was made.
That night, we headed over to Hooters for a bite to eat. Mostly, we went there as a joke. The food was so heavy that it was practically inedible. And Narc started downing Jack Daniels just to stabilize himself. He didn't remember me getting him home the night before.
We relocated from midtown down to his neighborhood, ending up at The Odeon for dessert. He must have had five or six whiskeys in the hour and wasn't even tipsy. I pointed out that he needed all that just to feel "normal."
"Yeah, I guess my tolerance for Jack is pretty high," he laughed.
It scares me though.
I felt love, but I felt moody.
"Why didn't you invite me to your birthday, Narc!" I asked again, after turning the words over in my head silently for half an hour.
"I didn't DO anything for my birthday!"
"That's not true."
We had the same dumb-ass, pointless conversation yet again. We dropped the subject, unresolved, yet again.
Then we went back to his place for bed.
On Sunday I headed out to Long Island to spend the day with my family. My mom took me shopping for swimsuits at Macy's and then I joined my sisters and grandpa and brothers-in-law lolling around in the pool to escape the sweltering heat that has been upon us. My step-dad came home and barbecued. It was a nice afternoon.
I got back to the city at around 9:00 PM on Sunday night. I showered and changed and headed back downtown to meet Narc again. We watched North by Northwest. He made me a little dish of yogurt and berries and honey.
This morning we slept in and then had lunch at Megu. Afterwards, I went with him while he got his hair cut. Over lunch he told me that I should write a book out of my blog. I like the idea, but told him that I suck as an editor, always struggle with the fact that I can't leave anything out, and would have no idea how to create an overarching storyline.
"I can help you with that," he said. So, later on in the afternoon, he gave me an hour-long lesson about screenwriting structure. I sat at his counter and took notes. It was kind of sweet.
This evening I met up with my sponsee and then had dinner with NDN and his girlfriend, Tamika. NDN has a car for his job, so he drove us over the George Washington Bridge for dinner at the Cheesecake Factory in New Jersey. The portions were fucking enormous! I really like Tamika. She seems like a cool girl and her temperament compliments NDN. I found out that Tamika's best friend is dating a guy who lived in my suite in college my junior year. Weird... After dinner, we stopped briefly at the storage facility (or what NDN likes to call his "drug den") and then came back home.
And that about brings you all up to date on my life. I'm too tired to process anything beyond that for now. Writing such an extensive catch-up has wiped me out! I'm listening to Purcell's music for Queen Mary's funeral. It is dim and quiet in my apartment with just the hum of my airconditioner, soft Baroque melodies and Mr. Rochester's big green eyes. I am hoping the heat wave will pass soon. Next week I'm off to Texas to visit Liu. I'm really excited for the trip.
Anyway, I hope you are all well out there.
lots of love!
h
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