"To Thine Own Self Be True"

It's only now sinking in... the change, that is.

I spent the entire day today with my sponsor, working on my 8th step... Technically, I'm on "9" now, but I still need to do a little writing before I start making amends. We listened to Elvis songs and ordered in diner food and took a walk to get Dunkin' Donuts iced coffee. As the evening approached, we watched Hilary and Jackie. I thought it was brilliant.

But now it's dark. My chest feels tight. She has gone home and I feel desperate. I feel alone. Something in me wants to break a window... to stab myself in the chest with a piece of glass. But that's just one thought. I have too much inertia to do anything other than type this post. And besides, I really don't want to stab myself in the chest, after all.

Well... let's get down to it.

Yesterday I overslept, as I had been up the previous night pacing my apartment, eating ice pops with Brick and grappling with Narc. I was supposed to meet Hammer and her parents at MoMA. Her aunt was in town as well... the infamous "All of Me" aunt. I got there an hour late and found them on the 5th floor. I took a cell phone pic of Hammer in front of "Yves Klein Blue." After the museum we walked around the design shop and then headed to Ben Ash for lunch. Hammer's mom drew a picture of a dress on a napkin. She just bought her dress for Lil'Hammer's wedding.

After lunch, Hammer and I parted ways from her family and walked down towards our school. We paused on 47th street where I tried on ruby rings. Then Hammer headed to school and I went to Pinkberry. That was it for the afternoon.

Later that night, StarGazer called me.

"Wanna go to Lasagna for dinner?" she asked.

"Sure."

And then I got a text from Narc.

With a few friends, still. Will give a call in a bit.

I got dressed to meet StarGazer and misplaced my phone somewhere in my bedroom. I had to leave the apartment without it, which made me anxious for obvious reasons. But dinner was nice.

"How was your day?" I asked her.

"Well, work is getting better," she said, "now that I'm happy."

It was strange to hear her say she was "happy." It gave me pause. Am I happy? As I sat there at the dinner table last night, I had to admit that I am. (Am I? I am.)

After dinner, she left for a meeting at the 79th street workshop. I headed home. I found my phone in my pajama drawer. Narc hadn't called. So, I called Hammer. Her parents were still out. She told me what her friend CurlyQ is up to. Hammer and I like to talk about CurlyQ's dating life.

At around 11:00, when I still hadn't heard from Narc, I decided to send him a text. The days of waiting around for him all night have come to an end.

Just back home, I said. Have to be up by 9:00 tomorrow, so going to bed by 1:00 AM. Just letting you know...

He called me not a moment later.

"Yeah, I was just wrapping up with Laurie and her friend," he said.

To tell you the truth, I don't remember exactly how this conversation went-- only a few of the things that were said.

Narc told me that he wants to get his life in order.

"I've been on replay... repeat for the past six years," he said. "I'm thinking about cutting out booze altogether."

I was surprised he brought that up to me.

"I have no regrets about it," I said.

"Yeah, but then I think-- can I really cut it out forever? I mean-- maybe that's a little extreme. I'm fine for the most part. I just have to avoid those crazy nights out with James."

"I can't think in terms of forever," I told him. "Just one day. That's it. 'Forever' scares me. I just recommit myself each morning to the things I do to bring my life to where I want it to go. And I thought I couldn't survive without alcohol, but I'm happy now," I said, thinking of my earlier conversation with StarGazer. "I don't drink, I don't have a boyfriend, I've put on a ton of weight and I am still sitting on my incompletes, but life is finally moving and I'm happier than I've ever been."

"I want to be too," he said.

I told him that my "diet" is the next thing on project-status for me.

"You can't try to do it all at once, Narc."

Anyway, the conversation went a lot of places from there. But neither of us said anything about getting together. He was sober, so of course things were awkward. I had to do the dirty work.

"So..." I began. "Do you want to get together tonight, or what?"

"Um..." his voice was a little flat. "Do you think that's a good idea, Hyde?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, what you were saying last night. I don't want to fuck with your head, you know."

I felt soft... affectionate. It was okay.

"I think I'm the only one who can fuck with my head, Narc!" I laughed.

"How so?"

"It all depends on how I take it all in, right?"

"I don't think so," he countered. "Plenty of people have fucked with my head in the past."

Oh yeah... I forgot he hasn't done a Fourth Step.

"I don't know," I said. "But I do know that I don't want to get into this right now. I just can't stomach a heavy conversation right now."

"Me neither!"

He seemed hugely relieved. Then there was silence.

"So...?" I said again. "Should I come?"

Somehow I still couldn't choose. I like him to tell me what to do. I wanted him to make the decision for us.

He paused again.

"Yeah. Come down." His voice was low and decisive. I liked it.

"Okay," I said, breathlessly sweeping things into a bag. "Give me 20 minutes to get out of here."

My heart was pounding. POUNDING, POUNDING, POUNDING. I hadn't seen him since February 26th. I had put on weight. Would he say anything about that? Why did I care? I've never felt insecure about my body around him before. Why did it suddenly seem to be a pressing issue. I needed to see him. I needed to see him to put a lot of fears to rest.

I can't explain how or why and I know it makes no sense at all, but I knew that going there was the right thing to do.

I got into a cab. The phone rang. It was Pixie-- a friend of mine in AA who just got her six months. She was having a rough day. It was good to talk to her. It took my mind off of myself and what I was doing.

And then I was in Tribeca. My heart was still pounding... harder than ever now. I felt dizzy as I approached his building. The number on the awning seemed extra large to me.

I pushed open the heavy glass door. The doorman seemed surprised to see me.

"How have you been?" he asked. "How's the teaching going?"

"Um, fine," I said. I laughed as if I were comfortable. But my fear was mounting.

And then I was in the elevator. The air was thick with the smell of Narc's building... that peculiar and particular smell. I was disoriented when the elevator door opened. For a moment I didn't know which way to turn.

And then I was in front of his door. Part of me wanted to turn back, but I was determined to walk through this. So, I raised my fist and knocked.

He answered the door in boxers and a t-shirt.

"Oh, hey," he said, when he greeted me-- as if it were the most casual meeting in the world.

His body looked slimmer but his face looked fuller. It was weird. And he had on new glasses... greenish rimmed "Prada" glasses. He walked towards the couch. I scanned the room to take in the changes.

He had one of those black ladder bookshelves leaning up against the wall and a few humongous paintings on the wall, presumably done by PopStar's dad who is a fairly accomplished artist in Russia. There was a big cardboard box near the back end of the living room.

"She's still in the process of getting her stuff out," he offered.

"New shelves, new paintings, new pillows," I said, plopping down on the couch, and grabbing a few pillows around me for comfort.

Narc was watching Family Guy.

"Yeah," he said.

And then we just both started watching the TV. And I felt instantly at ease. We chatted and laughed and I realized that I missed him... really him... the real him and not the crazy fantasy scripted him (although I've obviously missed that man too.) I just genuinely missed my friend. ("Friend?")

Narc wanted to stretch out. He wanted to put his feet up, but there was no room unless he put his legs up on my lap, as he used to do. Neither of us had touched the other. He was positioned awkwardly half off the couch. I shifted to make it easier for him to put his feet on me. He took the cue and did. I was grateful for the contact. I put my hand around his ankle. It felt so familiar. So good.

So, we sat like that for a while-- talking, watching TV while I rubbed his legs. Then he got up.

"It's time for you to go to bed," he said. " You need to be up early in the morning."

"Oh... okay."

I wasn't tired and I was very nervous, but I followed him into the bedroom. Nothing had happened... no real touching, no kissing, nothing... so I wasn't sure what the protocol was. If clothes were going to come off, I had imagined it would have been in the "heat of the moment."

But he closed the blinds and started to strip down. I stood there watching him... and the underwear... were off! He got into bed, but left the lights on and didn't pull the covers up. I felt awkward and didn't want to be naked in front of him... not like that, at least. But I did it. I took off my clothes... all of them... and got into bed next to him.

It was so fucking weird.

This whole scene was SO FUCKING WEIRD.

I wasn't sure what to do, so I just sort of snuggled up next to him and buried my face in his chest. He put his arm around me and caressed me a little bit. But none of it felt right. So... I did what I do when I don't know what to do... I moved down to give him a blow job. He pushed my head down. So, it seemed like I had made the right move.

I know he likes what I do in that department and he seemed to really appreciate it. I felt almost scared though. I don't even know what I was feeling. It wasn't long before he came in my mouth and that was even stranger. I don't mean to be gross and to go into too many details, but given that this is my blog and I was very confused, I'm just going to write about it. Something about having him inside me and inside my belly again was painful for me. I felt like my heart would break. But at the same time, it was a distant heartbreak-- one with no target. I felt so far removed from everyone and everything and even myself.

"I really needed that," he said. "God, I missed that."

And he seemed to be done. He climbed over me and shut the light.

Then I was just laying there and he was snuggling up with his pillow, apparently content and going to sleep. He hadn't touched me. He hadn't even kissed me. I guess he didn't want to, because he certainly could have.

So, I wedged my way between him and the pillow and buried my face in his chest and tried to breathe and tried not to cry.

Everything is FINE, Hyde! I kept telling myself. You're safe. You're okay. The drama is in your head. Nothing bad is happening. Just CHILL OUT.

I was restless though and couldn't stay settled there. His bed was still white on white on white-- what will forever be "Narc" to me-- but the pillow cases were edged with a sort of lace and there was a top-sheet to match. It was someone else's bed. It was PopStar's bed. I was in another woman's bed.

"I can't sleep Narc," I said. "I'm not tired."

He opened one eye.

"Are you going to take your makeup off?" he asked. "I think you should. It'll only take a sec."

He has never asked that of me before. Were these her sheets? Was she going to come pick up the bedding? I felt gross. But I did what he said and went to the bathroom.

I couldn't find anything to use to get the makeup off. I didn't want to put soap in my eyes. The bathroom was stuffed though-- stuffed with products carrying Russian labels. Why didn't she take that stuff with her? I picked up a few of the bottles to see if any of them were makeup removers. They all seemed to be moisturizers or lotions of some kind. I found a box of plastic press-on nails--long ones with a black and gold leopard print. Eww... somehow that made it all even grosser. I decided to try to get the mascara off with water alone. I rubbed wet toilet paper in my eyes and it hurt. Nothing was right, but nothing was wrong either. I went back into the bedroom.

Back in bed next to Narc, I wanted something from him... I wanted him to be with me... I'm not sure, at that point, if I wanted to have sex with him, but I didn't want to be ignored by him. I felt like I was in the room alone.

"This is weird, Narc," I said.

"What?"

"I feel weird, don't you?" I whispered.

"Maybe a little," he said. His eyes were still closed.

"I feel weird," I repeated.

"Just relax he said. "Stay still and close your eyes and go to sleep. You'll be okay."

He was wrong. I tossed around a few more times and then I tried to engage him sexually again. It worked for a little bit... kinda, sorta... not really. My cell phone buzzed. It was nearly 2:00 AM.

"Is that your phone?" he asked.

"What?"

"Your phone. Mine is off and in the other room."

"Oh. I guess it is."

I got up and grabbed the phone. Brick was calling. I got up out of the bed and picked it up.

"I'll just be a sec," I said to Narc.

"Are you okay?" I asked Brick, moving into the living room.

Brick let out a tirade of fear about how his boyfriend is cheating on him and about how he is freaking out. I tried to calm him down for a minute or two.

"I've gotta go, though," I told him. "It's kind of an awkward time right now."

"Oh my God, Hyde! Are you with Narc?"

"Yeah."

"Are you having sex?"

"Sort of."

"Oh my God! I'm so sorry... Go finish. Go finish and then call me back."

"I have to go. I'll call you later."

I had been careful not to say Brick's name, so Narc didn't know who called. I don't know why I cared.

"Good news? Bad news?" he asked when I came back into the bedroom.

"Oh, it's nothing," I said. "Don't worry about it." And I climbed back into bed with him.

Narc put his arm around me, but he wasn't present. I lay there and closed my eyes. I willed sleep to come but it was nowhere. It felt wrong. All of this was starting to feel wrong.

"I don't know if I can do this, Narc," I whispered again.

"Shhh..." His eyes were still closed and he patted my head.

"I think I may go home."

That got his attention. He opened his eyes and looked at me in the dark, half startled and half sad. My face was close to his, although still half on his chest.

"Go home? Now? Why?"

"I don't know. I just don't know if I can sleep here."

"You can't go home," he protested. "You have to wake up early. You should just get to sleep now."

"I don't know if I can."

"Why don't you take something?"

"I have nothing here to take."

"I can give you NyQuil," he said. "A little NyQuil will knock you right out."

"Yeah... but I'm not so sure I should take that," I said, wearily. "I think I should maybe just go home."

I could sense that he was really upset, but he didn't betray himself. He didn't say anything.

"Is that okay with you?" I asked, a plea in my voice.

"Yeah..." He seemed cold now. "Yeah, sure. If that's what you need to do, do it. If that's what you want..." His voice trailed off.

"I feel bad," I said, "But I just feel weird, you know? And I don't think I can sleep here."

I felt awful. Like I had violated something. Like I had torn apart some unspoken agreement. Like I was ripping everything we had ever had between us. I was nauseous with guilt.

"I think I have to," I said quietly. "I'm going to go."

"Okay." He was shut off now. Completely shut off.

I crawled up on top of him and kissed his cheek.

"Give me a hug," I said. "I really am sorry."

I squeezed him as tight as I could and in a flash scooped up my clothes and my phone.

"I'm gonna pee and then I'm gonna go," I said. "I'll talk to you soon."

"Yeah, goodnight." He had already turned over and away.

Everything inside of me hurt.

I was sweaty and felt his cum in me like a rock. I called Brick back from the elevator.

"Where are you?" he asked.

I started to tell him what had happened.

"Want me to swing by and scoop you up in a cab?" I asked.

He agreed.

On my way to get Brick, I wrote Narc a text:

It was really nice to see you & I had a good time.

(All true. It was beautiful to see him. I really had missed him).

Sorry I couldn't stay, I said. Hope you are sleeping soundly as I write this. Lots of love...

I really, really do love Narc. I really love him.

When I met Brick it felt like a scene straight out of last summer. Me and Brick and Narc on my lips and Ben & Jerry's and a talk that went straight through til 4:00 AM.

Finally, Brick and I crawled into bed together. I felt relieved and safe and sad and so FUCKING SAD that I wanted to scream and break something, but I was too relieved and soft and cozy and tired to do anything except go to sleep.

Brick woke me up this morning with his "good morning" song. It felt worlds away from last night. We walked to Dunkin' Donuts and he bought me my first iced coffee of the day. Then I kissed him goodbye as he went off to his meeting. I felt grimy and gross in the heat. I returned to my apartment to await my sponsor.

Just before 10:00 AM, Narc texted me:

Slept well, though jackhammers woke me at 8:00 AM! You were right though, was a little weird. Maybe too soon.

His message left me relieved, but still sad. I have no regrets about having gone there. In a weird way, I feel closer to him and grateful for the fact that he struggles too. I thought about something he had said to me on Thursday night.

"Narc, you make me crazy!" I had said. "You're like taking a crazy pill or something."

"You don't have the monopoly on that," he told me. "Don't you know, you make me crazy too?"

I know it to be true.

Anwyay, I wrote back:

Yeah. But let's hang out again anyway with no expectations. And we'll see what happens. Sorry about the jackhammers. If you go to Dobb's Ferry, have fun! :)

Cherubino arrived at around 10:00 AM. I wasn't going to tell her any of what had happened. We had agreed to stop talking about Narc since I wasn't willing to take her suggestions. But I told her anyway because she is my friend.

And then I did my 8th step. She also had me write out a "sex ideal"-- everything that I want in a "partner." She said it was really important. I took my time with it.

And then she spent the entire day and we watched Hilary and Jackie.

And now it is dark and I am all alone again.

I feel sad and scared. I feel immobilized.

But I am looking at my "1-year-of-sobriety" coin. "To Thine Own Self Be True," it says.

I just want the night to turn into day again. I know I'll make it through, but I'm not in a good place tonight.

I really don't know who I am.

I love him, but I wanted to leave. And that bubble of "Hyde and Narc" that I thought I could return to? It wasn't there. It wasn't there for me. If it's gone... if it really is gone, I need to figure out a way to mourn. Because it feels like this is going to kill me.

Anyway, that's it for now... Hope you're all having a good night.

love,
h