Dream-o-Meter: Twilight

I had a very, very strange dream last night...

Narc and I were at some sort of spa somewhere in New England. It was a small hotel on a lonely beach. Everything was twinkling and it was always twilight. We were staying in a room with three witches, though... they were more like three sirens. I was very stressed out by their presence. They were floating up and around us all the time and wanted to sleep in the bed with Narc and I had to sleep on the floor.

Then, in the morning (which was a twilight morning), we went out into the bay to fish for oysters. But when we got there, we found some kind of spongy rocks. I told Narc that those were the kind of rocks that opals come from. (I guess in my dream world, it was true.) Narc told me to go out a little further and to gather as many of those spongy-opal-rocks as I could. I was climbing out onto slippery gray jagged rocks to reach them. My feet were bleeding and the saltwater stung them and I remember being scared that blood in the water was going to attract fish to come and bite at my feet. Nevertheless, I gathered up as many of the rocks as I could.

We took the rocks in piles and sat on the beach. I remember pressing down onto one of the rocks and feeling its spongy surface giving under the weight of my fingers. It was a living creature.

"We need to shine these," Narc said.

We took up separate polishing stones and started to scrub away at the "opal sponges," sloughing off all the layers of living cells until they were dead and cold and hard in our hands and shining with brilliance. But we had killed the living sponges in order to do that.

We piled up the finished stones into a basket and later on in the day took them back to our room. Narc was sitting on the bed watching something on TV. I was stretched out on my stomach on the floor, still rubbing the stones. (I think in some way, my memory was referencing that day last August when I spent an hour polishing his glass chess piece that I broke, until my fingers nearly bled.)

Anyway, the three sirens returned and wanted his attention, and were jealous that he was ignoring them. Finally, they floated out of the room. I climbed into bed with him and put my arms around his neck.

"I love you," I said.

He got uncomfortable.

"It still can't be like that," he said, wriggling out of my embrace. "I'm still getting back together with PopStar."

The next thing I remember in my dream is being back at my childhood home, standing in the driveway. NDN was with me. We were looking at the house across the street where the Wheeler Family lived.

"I know that they're selling drugs there now," I told him.

"Are you sure this is a good idea, Hyde?" he asked.

"Yes, I'm sure! I just want to buy some. I don't want to do any!"

Everything was hazy and the air was thick, but we crossed the street. We went into the living room. There were chairs set up in a circle. I remembered that when I was four or five I had been to a birthday party in that room-- the chairs were still set up for "musical chairs."

We walked upstairs into a bedroom and knocked on a closet door.

"I'm only going to buy a tiny bit!" I told NDN. "Really-- I just want to have it. I'm not going tot do it! I'm only going to spend $80.00. That's nothing!"

He just looked concerned.

So, I did. I don't remember who opened the door, but I bought a bag of coke.

Then, NDN and I were back in our building lobby. He was talking to the doorman. I walked ahead to the alcove where the mailboxes are and ducked in there. I did a few bumps off my hand. It felt great for about two seconds. Then I felt anxious.

Had I really just fucked up my sobriety? What would I tell my sponsor? Did I have to tell anyone? Could I pretend it didn't happen and just finish that ONE little bag?

I looked down at my watch. The hands were spinning out of control

Then I woke up.

I'm feeling blue today.

love,
h