I am feeling alone.
It doesn't make sense, since my life is absolutely filled with people... so many people that I feel like I'm never calling half of my friends back or giving people the time they deserve, or making plans with the people I'd like to see.
But, it doesn't seem to make a difference.
And today, or this weekend rather, some things that have been brewing for some time have come to a head.
First and foremost, I had an embittered argument with my sponsor on Saturday night. She felt it was urgent for me to make a specific amends to Narc (that I'd rather not discuss here) and I took the first steps towards doing just that. I wasn't convinced, however, in my heart that this move was either necessary or fruitful. In fact, in my opinion, making that particular amends at this particular moment will only cause greater psychic pain for both me and Narc and will have absolutely no productive outcome.
I don't know if any of you read my blog this weekend, but Narc wrote me that email (that beautiful email that made me just want to hurl myself at his feet) and it seemed to push everything under some giant internal spotlight.
What my sponsor was asking me to do felt wrong, wrong, WRONG!
So, I told her I wasn't going to do it.
This caused the aforementioned argument on Saturday night. When we parted ways, I had agreed (again!) to try to take her direction. But back at my place, I knew (again!) that I didn't want to and that it felt wrong. I momentarily thought about lying to her and saying I had done it, just to smooth the whole thing out, but I don't want to destroy what has thus far been an honest relationship.
So, last night I sent two emails... the first to Narc, the second to Cherubino.
To Narc:
Hey Narc,
Thanks for this email. I really appreciate it. I want to say something more, but I'm not sure how to say it, so I'm just going to leave it at that and hope that you know what I mean... :)
In any case, I do still need to "clean up my side of the street," as they say. Of course it can wait until you are back from your trip. I hope that the trip is productive and that you have a lot of fun! Just let me know when you're back in town.
Lots of love,
Hyde
And to Cherubino I said something like:
I know you're not going to like this, but I have decided that I'm not going to make this particular amends to Narc... And I have made that decision based on the following facts--
(blah, blah, blah-- details I don't want to disclose on the blog)
...And as such, I am ethically comfortable with the fact that I am not emotionally willing to discuss this with him. Like I said, I know you're not going to be happy with this email. But that's where I'm at.
I'll see you tomorrow morning.
Love,
Hyde
I met Cherubino and Leseco and Leseco's sponsee for brunch this morning (near Prospect Park) and we didn't really discuss it. But Cherubino told me she read the email.
"And...?" I asked.
"And, I think we should go back to not talking about Narc anymore if you don't want to take my suggestions."
So, there it is. We now have a wedge between us. Since I'm not willing to move it, I guess it's just going to have to stay lodged there. And it sucks.
Moving on...
Brick cancelled plans on me YET AGAIN, although at this point it doesn't surprise me in the least. I still can't help feeling sad though. He disappoints me in general.
And then there was B...
My relationship with B is one that I feel I have never quite adequately captured on the blog. Perhaps because it was so intense so long ago... perhaps because the soul connection between us was forged before I was "Hyde"... I don't know. But in any case, he is the only person in the world that I have ever completely "let in." His friendship runs very deep within me and it is very important to me.
For the past three years or so, we have been on a slow path of separation. You may remember the tragedy of losing our "24-nights" together, hashed out in January 2006, or March 2005 when I stood on 6th street thinking "B is leaving me." He was. He is. And I've been feeling it more and more lately.
Our friendship, as of late, has felt something like this:
Hyde calls B and desperately wants a connection. So, she begins to talk-- about herself, her fears, her struggles... and she waits for a response.
"Um, ok." B says. He offers nothing more.
Hyde feels anxious. B sounds tense, as if he doesn't want to be "dumped on." Hyde hangs up the phone.
Every time we hang out I feel like I'm practically begging for his time. It's ridiculous. I know that I am his best friend. I know that he doesn't want to lose my friendship. But, it's as if he doesn't want to make the active "choice" to be there as a friend, to share things with me as a friend. I don't care if he listens to my problems or not. If he'd talk about himself, that would be okay too. I just want connection!
I know that he is struggling to reconcile our relationship (which has always been a "primary" relationship to him) with his upcoming marriage, but it really hurts to consistently try for that connection and get shut down. I can't do it anymore. I won't bother him if that's what he wants. He's going away? I'll go away too.
But I think that it's tragic.
So, I told him exactly how I feel. He acknowledged that "wall" and said that he's not sure what to do about it either. We agreed to do nothing until after his wedding and until after I deal with my medical issues at hand.
I can't imagine my life without him, though... my psyche without him. He has been my best friend for as long as I've been an adult. I met him when I was 17. But I guess I'm growing, because I'd rather lose the friendship than force it or be made to feel like a burden or be constantly hammering away at a wall, desperate for a connection. I've had enough of that with Narc to last me a lifetime. It's not an "honest" way to relate to someone.
The bottom line?
I'm exhausted and lonely and no one can touch that... not even I.
And here's where I get desperate--
Maybe I'm lazier than I ever imagined. I won't deny that the world is a beautiful place. But in my core, I am so lazy that I really don't believe it's worth the effort.
I still long for relief. I still want to "get out." I am still seduced by the idea of suicide.
And then it's just another day and I have to do some more things.
And one by one, the ties I clung to so intensely, the people I shared myself with so vulnerably, are proving to be completely separate entities, fully capable and often willing to drift away and off into the ether without another thought about it. I spun webs of silk. But none of it true... the strands dissolve. Relationships are meaningless.
In the end, it is only my mind and my body that define my reality. Everything outside the bounds of my existence does not exist. What false gods have I been worshipping? Why am I trying to train my mind to have communion with some new "Higher Power?" Why would I ever surrender myself to such fantastical projections as friendship, love, or security again?
The world does not exist beyond my skin, beyond the skins of my eyes. So, why bother engaging it?
I won't tonight. I'm going to skip my meeting and make spaghetti and meatballs and eat it in bed and watch TV while I eat. And then I'm going to go to sleep and try to convince myself that there's a reason, a REASON that I should get up tomorrow.
I'm sure I won't find a reason. The real tragedy is that I will get up anyway.
love,
h
5 comments:
Hyde - sometimes we are so alike that I want to shake you (or me, or something). Yesterday, I sat with the person with whom I have the closest connection that I've ever had and cried in grief because it didn't seem like enough. When will it be enough, I wonder?
I don't know the answer to that, but I know that it can be...there are moments when it is. We just need to start trusting that those moments actually mean something in the face of the loneliness.
I don't have experience what what a sponsor is supposed to do, but I don't feel that, at least as far as Narc, your sponsor is being very supportive. Only you can know what is happening between you and he. And only you can know who owes or does not owe apologies. Our actions do not occur in a vacuum, and often the best/worst in us is brought out by the best/worst in others. And vice versa.
Go with your gut, my dear. It's meaningless to make amends if you don't really mean it anyway.
J (and anyone else curious)- Offering an apology is not the same thing as making an amends, and making an amends is not about what the other person did or didn't do to us, but about doing what we can to make up for our own part in past wrongs so that we can move forward with a clear conscience. Now, obviously there are situations in which making an amends isn't necessary, or should be avoided. Do you really want to find a drug dealer in order to confess to stealing from him, for example, and offer to make restitution? Of course not! However, there are people whom we would rather not approach and make amends to because it is uncomfortable to do so, and we can make up reasons why we shouldn't have to when if fact, we should. Did you lash out in anger or tell a lie out of jealousy which really hurt someone emotionally or financially? In that case, we hurt ourselves by not making an amends because we are choosing to live with a guilty conscience, and the accompanying feeling of shame. A sponsor helps a sponsee figure out where and when amends are necessary or right, and when they're not; they are objective outsiders with a clearer perspective. They know what they're talking about because they've been there and done that too. Including making their own amends. It isn't as if they are asking anyone to do anything that they themselves haven't done- and continue- to do. A big part of making a clean start begins with clearing the wreckage of the past as honestly as possible and to the best of your ability.
I'm not surprised that Cherubino has chosen to set up boundaries regarding further discussion of Narc. There's really nothing more that she can say; it's all up to you, Hyde. She isn't going to tell you what you want to hear if she doesn't believe it to be truly so. And no amount of argument on your part is going to elicit the response you want from her regarding your relationship- such as it is- with Narc.
It is only frustrating the both of you to talk about it, so there's no point discussing the situation further until something or someone finally changes.
*hug*
Very heavy! I think doing what you think is best is the way to go. You're the one that has to live with your decisions, not your advisors.
Would it be possible to add RSS feeds to the blog, so that I know when your updating. Thanks
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