Patience, Grasshopper!

Yesterday I taught the last class of the summer session (not counting Tuesday when I will be administering a final exam). I was glad for it to be over. Two and a half hour lectures are not an easy thing to do...

The rest of the afternoon I cleaned my apartment. I was feeling dead tired, but I did it anyway, as it really needed to be done.

Brick was supposed to meet me at my Thursday night AA meeting, but texted at the last minute that he couldn't make it. After the meeting I met him back at my place.

The sky was roaring with thunder and lightning last night, so although the rain hadn't broken, we decided to order in. We ate from Lasagna and Brick told me all about his new boyfriend. I sang Pace pace mio dio for him so that he could hear my new breathing technique. At around 11:00 PM we settled in on the couch to watch Dream Girls. Shortly after it started, Brick drifted off to sleep.

I liked the movie a lot, except I wasn't in love with the music... It all climaxed too fast and then stayed there at a fever pitch and I started to feel assaulted by all of the vocal runs and intense belting. In any case, I was having a nice cozy evening when my phone buzzed. It was a text from Narc.

**WARNING: If you are so fucking sick of "Hyde and Narc" that you can no longer bear it (as I sometimes feel), don't read on**

Restless tonight... Up? he wrote.

I froze. I wasn't sure what to say.

Yeah, was all I could muster. Then I waited...

Come down, he said.

I didn't answer.

Or I can come up, he followed.

I still didn't answer. But I could feel my dinner turning over in my stomach. I literally felt frozen. When is this ever going to stop??? I guess my long silence unnerved him because he wrote to me yet again:

Debating?

So, I finally replied: What to say to you? Yes...

Narc: So come down

Hyde: I've got someone on my couch tonight.

Narc: In the mood for a classic movie. We shall watch something great.

Hyde: I'm watching "Dream Girls" right now.

And then the phone rang.

"Hydeeeeeeen..."

"Can I call you back, Narc?" I asked. "The movie is really about to end."

"What part is it up to?"

"They're breaking up... I mean, it's really ending."

"That's only half way through!"

"No... not the first break up... look, trust me... I'll call you in 15 minutes."

"Do you promise?"

"Yes, I promise."

At this point, Brick had woken up.

"Hyde! What's going on?" he grinned at me. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing... Narc... You know..."

"Are you okay?"

"I don't know."

I could do nothing but stare straight ahead. I really felt immobilized. Perfect ambivalence. Too many feelings.

"I'm going to move into the bedroom, okay?" Brick said, pulling himself up off the couch. "What are you going to do?"

"Call him back, I guess... because I said I would."

"Why don't you come in there with me and call from in there? That way you can't say anything too crazy..."

I did.

Narc wasn't drunk... maybe a tiny bit tipsy. But it didn't matter, he was out in full force trying to get me to come down there. I talked to him for a long time. I sort of wish I had blogged last night so that I could remember exactly what was said... a lot was said.

I told Narc that I ought to "start charging."

"For what?" he asked.

"For our visits. Really-- you call me when your depressed and restless to come fuck you... Why shouldn't I?"

"Hyde! I'm not depressed right now... I'm feeling great in fact... the best I've felt in weeks. And I want someone to watch a movie with."

"You want someone to watch a movie with? Anyone? So, it doesn't have to be me?"

"Of course, I want it to be you," he said, seemingly annoyed with me.

"I want you to come down here and watch a movie and then I'm going to fuck your brains out."

"Why do you want to watch a movie with me?" I asked, ignoring the latter part of what he just said.

"To tell you the truth, Hyde-- you are the most brilliant and intelligent of my friends who knows the least about movies. I like telling you stuff-- about how the movies were made, etc. and you're always into it-- like 'oh, really, Narc?'"

"I just don't think I can do this," I said.

"Why not???" He was getting frustrated with me.

"Because of how I feel."

"I thought you said you were over all that."

"Over all what?"

"I thought you said you were over all your feelings for me!" he laughed.

"What?!? When did I ever say that?"

"Last week! When we video chatted. That's what you said."

"I didn't say that, Narc! Why would I say that? I think I'm constitutionally incapable of 'getting over' my feelings just like that."

"Look, Hyde-- what's the big deal? You're going to come down here. You're going to watch a movie with me. And I'm going to fuck you until you can't anymore. So, come on."

"It's going to mess with me, Narc," I protested.

"How?"

"I'm going to feel in love with you again."

"How is it that my cumming in your face is going to make you fall in love with me?"

I started to laugh.

"Can I call you back?" I asked.

"Why?"

"I don't know... I need to go pray or something, okay?"

"Yeah, Hyde," he sighed. "Call me back."

When I hung up the phone I let out a groan and curled up on the bed. I felt destroyed. Brick got up and got me a purple ice pop. He ate a red one. (I thought of how VJ used to come over and eat the leftover orange ones).

"You're not going to go there, are you?" he asked.

"I don't know... I don't know what I'm going to do."

"Hyde, you have tools to deal with this now."

"I don't want my tools," I whined.

But in all of this, I realized something... I think what attracts me to this with Narc is the act of giving in to him. That's where it peaks for me. That moment of utter abandon and self-destruction. Release. Falling. I called him back.

"Yeeees?"

"It's me."

"I know. Are you coming?"

"I don't know."

"Have you been smoking a lot of cigarettes, Hyde?"

"No."

"You're lying. I bet you've been chain-smoking like a chimney!"

"What? No! I only smoke every once in a while... rarely. Why?"

"I don't know. I want some cigarettes."

"You've been smoking," I said. "You told me you lost your voice from it last week."

"Oh, yeah... but that was just that night out with the boys."

"You need to be careful, Narc."

"Why?"

"Your blood clots!"

"I don't have blood clots!"

He seemed annoyed that I had brought the whole thing up. Apparently he has stopped all treatment and gone off the coumadin. He wanted to stick to the matter at hand.

"Hyde? What's the big deal?" he asked, returning to the issue of whether or not I would come fuck him.

"You disappeared, Narc! I mean, I know you were trying to work out your thing with PopStar, but I had feelings for you and you disappeared for four months! It hurt. It really hurt."

"Aw, c'mon! Life hurts, Hyde!"

I didn't respond. Clearly he wanted to either evade taking responsibility or he wanted to self-victimize, but I didn't care to hear either.

"And then the other day," I went on, "I was really torn up about whether or not to see you... I really was. And I finally broke down and said 'okay, I'll see him again,' and then you rejected me!"

"I didn't reject you, Hyde! This is nonsense! PopStar was on my couch that night. I didn't expect she would be there. It was the LAST night. She moved out the NEXT day. Also, not an easy thing..."

"Are you okay?" I asked, quietly, coming back to myself for a moment.

"Yeah, I'm okay," he said.

"It's just-- I have feelings for you and you clearly don't have feelings for me, and--"

"Of course I have feelings for you, Hyde!" he said, interrupting me.

"Oh, you do? So, what are they?"

"What?"

"What are your feelings for me?"

He paused, as if not sure of how to proceed.

"I love you, Hyde," he said. "I love you and I want you to be happy. I want you to finish your incompletes and to get in shape and have the things you want. And I'm sick of this pretending."

"Pretending?"

"Pretending that I don't want you."

"When were you pretending that?"

"For the past few months!"

I wasn't sure what to say at this point... unsure of whether there was any truth to what he was telling me, or if was just a ploy to get me to come down to his place.

"You said you love me, Narc."

"I do love you. You know that."

"I have to call you back again," I said.

"What?"

"I just have to go. I just have to call you back."

"Is that because BRICK is there," he said, irritated. "I'm sure Brick can take care of your place for you. He's a big boy."

"I'll call you back," I said again, hanging up.

Once off the phone, I grabbed my pillow.

"He said he loves me, Brick."

"Oh, Deloris!" Brick sighed (his sometimes nickname for me.)

I went into the bathroom. I wasn't sure whether it was to shave my legs or throw up.

"Are you going?" Brick called after me.

"I have to," I said. "I have to go there."

"Did he tell you that? That you have to?"

I came back into the bedroom.

"I just want to kill myself," I said.

"Don't say that."

"I can't deal, though. I can't think. I just don't want to be dealing with choices."

"But you do have a choice," Brick pointed out. "You don't have to go. Saying that is like abdicating responsibility."

"You're right." I started to pace my bedroom. My heart was pounding. "I can't go. I just can't. How can I go there? But how can I not? I'm calling him back."

"What are you going to say?"

I didn't answer Brick. Instead, I dialed Narc again. It was about 1:45 AM.

"Are you coming?" he answered.

"I can't. I just can't, Narc. But I can come tomorrow. If you want to see me, and if you really do, let's make a plan for tomorrow."

"I can't think beyond 24 hours, Hyde," he sighed.

"So, you don't want to see me tomorrow?"

"I want to fuck you tonight and tomorrow night."

"You do?"

"Yes."

"You said you love me."

"I do love you, Hyde."

Now he was on the breaking point.

"Are you coming or not?"

"I don't know."

"Look, Hyde... it's late. I'm going to hang up the phone. I'm going to be awake for another half hour. If you want to come down, come. If you don't want to, don't. But I can't do this anymore on the phone."

"Okay."

We hung up. Ten minutes later, I decided that I couldn't do it. I called him back.

"Yup?"

"I can't come, Narc."

"You're not coming?'

"No. I just can't come tonight. But we can make a plan for tomorrow..."

"Uh... yeah..."

"Do you want to meet up tomorrow?"

"Um.... why don't you just call me then."

"Okay. Good night."

Brick was desperately trying to fall asleep at this point. I took a Lunesta and crawled into bed next to him. My heart was still racing and I was wide awake. I set the alarm for 6:30 AM for Brick and shut the light. My phone was clutched in my hand. It buzzed again.

Wish you would come down anyway, he wrote. Spontaneous, like in the movies. Sweet dreams, hon.

I considered it. I didn't want to let him down and he knew it. I got up and went into the bathroom. I wandered into the kitchen and wrote him another text.

Problem is I do love you, I wrote back. The second problem is I just took a Lunesta. Wish I didn't have to disappoint you. Wish you were wrapped around me. Until tomorrow...

I got back in bed. But Narc hadn't given up yet. He sent me one more text:

Still time...

My reply?

Patience grasshopper! ;)