Tuesday, July 3, 2007

The Fast and the Fleeting

My AA meeting was awesome tonight... really inspiring. And I talked to a lot of "newcomers" and felt good. I felt at peace there. Why can't I carry that with me out of the rooms? Why can't I take that peace into the rest of my life? Why does the anxiety and fear and distrust and self-hatred and heartbreak flood back in as if the meeting had never happened?

But it did happen.

A lot of things have happened to me and sometimes it feels like they haven't... like my whole past is invented and fleeting and I am going to lose it and everything and myself if I don't hang on to every last scrap of memory...every last scrap of documentation.

Anyway, perhaps I'm rambling now. I'm going downstairs to watch Black Snake Moan with NDN. Tomorrow he and Hammer are coming out to Long Island with me for the Fourth of July.

I hate not being in control of the world.

That's it...

love,
h

2 comments:

Billy said...

I hate not having control either. However, you don't have to hang on to the bad memories, the bad documentation. Sometimes you have to learn to let go. You have to lose control to gain control. I hope you have a wonderful time in Long Island. I am sure the fireworks will be breathtaking. Have fun.

Aravis said...

Yeah, lack of control really sucks. The rest takes time, it takes practice. Progress, not perfection.

I've always been a perfectionist, though. Bet you are too? *G*

Hope you have an awesome July 4!