Family, Harry Potter, and Narc Masturbation

So, VJ wants me to post about Anxious... Unfortunately, I don't have anything too entertaining to say on the subject. The last few times we hung out we've gotten along. We both seemed to have calmed down from the days of our fever-pitched fights and I even mentioned to B that I felt a little guilty for giving her the blog name "Anxious."

We went to MoMA on Wednesday and I bought a fire-engine red lipstick at Sephora afterwards. On Thursday I went to check on Hammer's birds and then out to Long Island. My mom's secretary picked me up at the train station. My mom and I had an appointment to go for a fitting-- our dresses finally came in for LilSis' wedding next month.

I was nervous about the fitting because I have gained a bit of weight since I was first measured for the dress back in October (a fact which has been gnawing at my self esteem without relief!). I didn't want the seamstress to yell at me or to make a fuss or to be insensitive about it.

"You just keep quiet," my mom told me when I shared my anxiety. "I'll represent you to the dress-lady, okay? I'll be your lawyer. Don't worry about it."

My mom is so sweet sometimes.

The dress fitting went much better than expected in terms of my size-- I fit into the dress just fine with a few minor adjustments. The bigger problem was that they had made it up in navy instead of black! My mom's dress is super sexy and bright red and nearly backless. She had no idea how low the back was because the sample size was too small for her to try on. I hate the way samples only come in the smallest sizes! They are now going to have to see about adding some panels so that she isn't hanging out of the dress!

Afterwards I had dinner with my mom, my stepdad, my stepbrother and JBC. We played Jeopardy while we ate. Watching Jeopardy with my family at dinner time is one of my greatest pleasures-- one of the truest feelings of "home" that I have. It rarely happens anymore.

On Friday, I took an early train back to the city and met up with one of Hammer's friends to hand her keys off to him. He is taking over bird-duty for the next little while. Later on in the afternoon I went to therapy and then met BigSis for a late lunch at the California Pizza Kitchen.

I was shaken coming out of therapy (having just cried over all things Narc, having also convinced myself, for some reason, that the reason he doesn't want to be with me is because of my weight gain) and so perhaps I was a little too "vulnerable" meeting my sister. She is also a therapist and got me to open up to her, disclosing more than I am usually comfortable with, about my inner emotional life and my low self-esteem when it comes to men.

As we were talking, I saw two women staring at us from across the restaurant. Upon closer look, I knew exactly who they were-- JWise and TWise. Let me explain-- one of my first boyfriends ever, "MWise" was a boy I dated for a few weeks in high school. I only got together with him because BigSis and our best friend, Amac were going out with two of his friends. I wasn't really interested in him at all though, and was rather weird and awkward about the whole thing. He used to call me all the time during dinner and I never wanted to take his calls. BigSis thought he was a nice guy and used to feel bad for him.

"If you like him so much, why don't you talk to him?!?" I would tell her.

So, she did. And over time, they became best friends and then they ended up becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. They dated for all of senior year. It was BigSis' first love (and only other love, besides Bro-in-Law as far as I know). They broke up freshman year of college, pretty early on.

A few years later, I was looking for my first teaching job, randomly answering ads in the NY Times, when I got an interview at a school where MWise's mom was a math teacher. His friend Matt's dad was the principal of the school! They hired me and the Wise family seemed to have reappeared in our lives, although MWise had since moved to Boston and we never saw him again.

Anyway, that was in 2001. I only taught at that school for a year because I left to do my Master's. It was the mom and sister in the family who spotted us at the California Pizza Kitchen, so of course we had to go over and say hello.

On Friday night I went over to hang out with StarGazer. She is interviewing potential roommates and feels awkward telling them that it's a drug and alcohol free apartment and so she needed some emotional support. Cherubino ended up meeting us and we stayed in, played with StarGazer's two cats, ate Chinese food and watched the first Harry Potter movie. Cherubino is intent on catching me up on Harry Potter!

Cherubino crashed on my couch last night and then this morning we went to a women's meeting together where StarGazer was giving her first qualification. I went for brunch with the ladies afterwards and then came home for some downtime. I'm still in the process of typing up old journals on "the Ghosts of Hyde" but have gotten stuck because of the extensive journaling I did while in Russia in 1998. I finally got through transcribing June and July of that year.

I was just wrapping up when two things happened...

TT texted and asked me on a date for "sometime this weekend." I said "yes" (maybe only because I saw him on a date with that other girl? Who knows!) and then an IM popped up from Narc. I wouldn't even have been logged on, if I hadn't been talking to Hammer a few hours earlier.

In any event, I was shocked to hear from Narc because ever since that "I thought it was weird too" text he sent me last Saturday, he disappeared. I texted him on Monday and he never wrote back. Again, perhaps because I'm feeling peculiarly insecure and crazy, I am stuck on the issue of my weight right now and was sure that was why he stopped calling me. I felt rejected.

("You rejected HIM, Hyde" Hammer told me. "Oh yeah...")

Anyway, here is a transcript of our conversation:

Narc: (5:04:36 PM): Hey you
Narc: (5:04:59 PM): (poke poke)

Hyde: (5:07:24 PM): What's up?

Narc: (5:07:41 PM): Oh, nothing much...

Hyde: (5:07:59 PM): I just watched "the fly" it was absolutely awful.

Narc: (5:08:06 PM): Was just thinking about masturbating, actually...
Narc: (5:08:10 PM): If you care to join...
Narc: (5:08:16 PM): (evil grin)
Narc: (5:09:09 PM): Of course, if you're not alone...

Hyde: (5:09:26 PM): You catch me off guard.

Narc: (5:09:39 PM): Oh?

Hyde: (5:09:47 PM): I just didn't expect you to say that...

Narc: (5:09:55 PM): Ah, life is full of surprises...

Hyde: (5:10:02 PM): ha ha...
Hyde: (5:10:04 PM): on the phone?

Narc: (5:10:11 PM): I wanted you to watch me, actually

Hyde: (5:10:41 PM): ok. I'll have to go to my other computer then. I'm on the laptop and i only have the video chat on the desktop...

Narc: (5:10:56 PM): Ok, will wait while you switch

As if I have to tell you... I switched. I stripped. He put his dick in my face. And I ended up video-masturbating with him.

GROSS.

Which begs the question, WHY DO I HAVE SUCH LOW SELF-ESTEEM???

Afterwards we talked for a while. He told me he had just woken up and had been partying for the past 36 hours with James. He also told me that he's heading to LA from July 25-31 or something like that. He asked what I was up to later.

"Maybe dinner with NDN and Co," I said (NDN is planning some Korean BBQ) "or maybe a date," I'm not sure.

"A group date? Or alone?" he asked, never betraying himself with his expression.

"Alone," I said. "But I'm not sure if I want to go."

What was I trying to stir up???

He told me that PopStar had been by but still hadn't gotten all of her stuff out.

"Yeah, it was weird to see the apartment not look like yours," I said.

He didn't seem to like that comment.

"It was just a few paintings and extra pillows on the couch!" he insisted.

"And her stuff in the bathroom... and different sheets."

"ONE extra sheet," he said. "And two pillowcases."

"I noticed," I told him. "They were edged differently."

He didn't really say anything.

Then he said he had to get out of the house. I told him to take a walk. He said he would call me in 90 minutes to see if I wanted to hang out after my "other" evening plans.

"I'm not sure what I want to do this evening," I told him. "But yeah, let's check in later."

Anyway, I have to go take a shower now. I don't even know what else to say about all this... Except that I'm a fucking moron. The sad thing? I really don't think I deserve any better. And that's the heart of the matter. It's finally becoming clear to me.

love,
h