The Unexamined Life

It has been a really strange day. Two absolute strangers asked me why I'm not married. A cab driver sang "Happy Birthday" to me and told me that he would disown his children if they didn't marry Jews. The guy who works in the copy room at my college found it necessary to tell me I'm a "beautiful woman" before filling me in on the problems with his most recent child-support hearing (restraining order and all!). As for me? I'm just feeling kind of run down and dizzy-- the combination of a bad cold and forgetting to eat until 2:00 PM.

My therapist told me to spend more time in the "unexamined life." He thinks I need to spend greater parts of my day doing tasks-- cleaning up, doing paperwork, preparing food, and not analyzing. Something to think about.

Brick called me today. He wants to stop drinking again. I really hope he's okay.

This past weekend was nice. I spent most of Friday cleaning my house. Then I had to go with BigSis to get an MRI. Afterwards, we drank coffee at a cute little cafe we stumbled upon, and then went to see Enchanted. It was a sweet and funny movie. Then I came home and baked into the wee hours of the night-- my (infamous?) sugar cookies and saffron buns and a crown for St. Lucy Day. I was exhausted by the time I got to sleep.

Saturday was party-preparation day. Again, I spent most of it cleaning, running to the supermarket and getting everything in place. It was an absolutely fabulous party and I was overwhelmed with the number of people who care about me and came out to tell me so. There must have been 50 people there at one point, and that's not counting those who came later. Two of my friends from AA gave me a karaoke machine as a gift-- it was a little like having "Cheers" brought to my living room! There was so much food and so many people. It was great. The party shifted gears and moods a few times as different groups of friends came and went. It started at 7:00 and the last stragglers (Bezoukhoff, Contessa and her husband, and a random guy from AA) left at 2:00 AM.

As my great grandmother would say "A good time was had by all."

Cherubino slept over afterwards, and we stayed up chatting until 3:30. Again, I was exhausted by the time I collapsed into bed. But even though I have hordes of friends and even though the evening was full and fun, there was a creeping voice in my head that grew louder the moment I was alone-- What about Narc? It asked. It's the piece of me that never wants to allow me peace or happiness.

On Sunday, Cherubino woke me up when she came into my bedroom to get her shoes. My head was pounding and I felt like shit. It was a weird visceral reminder of daily hangovers. This headache, however, was due to a cold. I spent most of the afternoon napping before I managed to get myself out the AA meeting. I brought boxes and boxes of desserts with me-- all stuff people had arrived with the night before.

And I spent a lot of time on the phone Sunday night. After walking Pixie to her subway, I spoke to Bezoukhoff, then to Shorty, and then to Liu.

And what about Narc?

I think he's "not talking to me." At least for the moment. I texted him "what's up?" on Sunday and he never answered. I don't want to get into it now. It just produces way too much anxiety. Instead, I need to get back to work on my paper. I'm doing my best to take my therapist's advice and live the unexamined life.

love,
h