Isang Isip

Ich bin von Kopf bis Fuß auf Liebe eingestellt...
Denn das ist meine Welt – und sonst gar nichts.
Das ist, was soll ich machen, meine Natur.
Ich kann halt lieben nur – und sonst gar nichts.

I am in the final stretch with my grades. They're due at midnight, but I find myself needing to blog. So, I'll have to make it quick. Sort of stressful given how much I have to say...

My heart is brimming right now. I think that's the only way to describe it... brimming! B and I used to have a term for that feeling. He called it "isang isip" which means "one thought" in Tagalog. It's the most amazing feeling. It is bliss. I am completely and utterly present; completely and utterly content; completely and utterly peaceful and happy and at home in the word. I know that these moments don't last, but I don't care. Today has already been an eternity for me because I am living in a state of beatitude. I don't know how to better describe it than that. My heart is practically aching. And I don't even care that I had to spend the day under a mountain of paperwork.

What am I aching with? What am I brimming with? What else? Narc, of course. And I'm not even really sure why.

We spent the day together yesterday. I got back to the city at around 8:00 PM on Christmas night and called him because I thought he might be lonely. When I didn't hear back from him, I went to bed around 1:00 AM. He finally did call back-- at about 6:00 AM. He wanted to come up here, offering up some lame excuse about how he couldn't get to sleep at his place because "the dishwasher was running and it was making too much noise." He was definitely tipsy. Since I was dying for him to come see my tree and because it didn't require me traveling out into the cold night, I agreed. It was still dark out when he arrived, closer to 7:00 AM, but the sky had the first tinges of morning-blue.

He kissed me as soon as I answered the door and I wanted to melt. Our energies were just in sync. It was a perfect Christmas gift. Of course, I showed him the tree. He inhaled the pine and told me it was beautiful and kissed me again. I was happy. It was bliss. He told me that he loves me over and over. (Okay-- I know it was the wine talking, but I didn't care and I still don't.) We crawled into my bed, I loved him, and eventually we fell asleep.

The next morning, we woke up at around noon and we had some more sex, but then I let him sleep in some more until nearly 4:00 PM. I ordered in lunch and got him a sandwich, although it was probably a little soggy by the time he woke up. Then I just graded papers for a few hours before he finally joined me in the living room. Night was falling. The Way of the Peaceful Warrior was on TV. Narc told me that he had met Dan Millman when he was in Costa Rica a few years back.

He got dressed and I buried my face in his chest on the couch. His shirt smelled like cigarettes and faded cologne and for some reason, I wanted to inhale it until I drowned. That was a perfect moment for me. I just love him. I just do.

At 4:30 I had to leave for my voice lesson. He said he would wait for me to get back. The lesson wiped me out. I hadn't sung for two weeks and my stomach muscles were aching-- especially from the Wagner. I felt good at my lesson, though. I was wearing a new red hoodie and liked the way it made my cheeks look flushed when I looked in the mirror. I was happy.

When I got back home, Narc was in the shower. I knocked on the door.

"Come in with me!" he called.

So, I did.

When we got out, I was shivering, so I crawled back into bed.

"Why don't we go somewhere to get dinner," he suggested.

"Okay. But where?"

He suggested a Japanese place in his neighborhood. I agreed.

Before we left, NDN stopped by my apartment. He hasn't seen Narc in forever, so I think his curiosity was satisfied.

It was raining out when we left the house-- a half frozen rain. Narc paid for the cab downtown and took us to a place called Megu.

It was not what I was expecting. The place was outright swanky (as you can see from the pic) and the food was expensive-- he ordered us the $125 prix fix dinner. From the entrance we had to walk up a very modern staircase lit with candles (to the beat of throbbing lounge music) before we were seated by a beautiful and impeccably manicured hostess. She placed us next to the giant carved-ice Buddha sitting atop a pond filled with red rose petals.

Narc had met the sommelier at a bar in the neighborhood a week or so earlier, so he came over to the table to greet us. The food was absolutely incredible. I can't remember everything that was served to us (as the dinner was five or six courses, and it was a tasting menu), but it included edamame with sea salt, red snapper salad, some kind of rock shrimp with a mysterious red spice, oysters, eel with something on top of it, foie gras, sushi, the most tender and velvety sashimi ever, a main course of kobe beef flambé, some kind of banana creme pastry thing for dessert... I'm sure I'm forgetting half of it right now, but the bottom line is that it was AMAZING. There was even someone to periodically come by the table and freshly grate our wasabi for us.

And I was even more in love with him while we were eating dinner. I was just grateful to be with him at that moment. In any case, we talked about a million and one things (lovers who have trouble saying "I love you"). Narc told me that he's not talking to Laurie anymore because he "wanted to clear that type of woman out of his life."

"But I thought she was your 'best friend'," I said.

"She was fun to hang out with for a while, but in the end, it's all the same-- she always wants me to pay for everything, she always just wants to whine about her affair with her married boss, and she ignores me half the time we're out."

I have a feeling that half of that story was omitted, but whatever... I really don't care.

Later, I told him that I am sad that he is moving. (I am. But I'm also incredibly relieved about it. It's the only way I can see my way out of this thing). I told him that I'm going to miss him.

"I'll be back to visit," he said.

"Will you really?"

"Yeah. And at some point, I'll keep a place on both coasts!"

"But by that time, we'll both be in a different life-moment," I said.

"That's true. You'll be a 'Dr.', married to some fabulous operatic bass singer with two kids."

"Maybe... And you?"

"I don't know," he said. "I just want to get my career kicked off and surround myself with film people right now. The next girl I date will have to be in the industry. Maybe I'll be like Cameron and marry my producer."

"Maybe."

In love; in love; in love... I was bursting at the seams, but couldn't say it to him.

James called before the meal was through and said his plane had just landed. He was in from Texas where he had gone to spend Christmas with his kids. Narc told him he was at Megu with me.

"It'll make him crazy jealous," he said.

Narc's plan is to move to LA with James and three other guys. They're all going to "break into the industry" out there. He told me that he and James have agreed that starting January 1st they're both going to lay off drugs and alcohol and just get into shape because they "have to" if they're going to make it on the West Coast. We'll see... James' mom told him she thinks he needs to go to rehab.

Anyway, back at his place, we had lots of sex (and then more on the floor), cuddled under a cover on his living room couch, watched King Ralph-- a god-awful movie with one funny part, watched a few episodes of Extras and when the memory of our meal had faded, we ate two pretzel rods which I had with me. (I'm obsessed with pretzel rods these days!) Narc told me a strange story about how he had picked up someone's cell phone while at Bar and Books and when its owner came to retrieve it, she recognized him from the bar.

"Don't you know Hyde?" she asked.

Who was it? None other than the Scorpion! Strange...

Anyway, we headed to bed around 2:30 AM. I burrowed down into him. I was still in "isangisip." We had sex again and all I could think about the whole time was looking at him across the table from me in the restaurant and how much I loved him at that moment in the restaurant and how grateful I was to be with him. I wanted to melt into him forever and ever.

This morning, we lolled in bed for a little while, but I really didn't have the luxury. I had to get home and start grading. So, I kissed him goodbye, the last kiss of 2007. He and James are headed to Canyon Ranch in Massachusetts for New Years. (James keeps referring to it as "Cougar Ranch." That kind of sums him up.) They're leaving tomorrow and coming back on January 2nd.

And so, I've carried something with me (in me) all day today and I'm not quite sure what it is. But whatever it is, I love it. And I love him.

Maybe I sound crazy. Maybe I am crazy. I don't know. But, I really am starting to believe that he's moving to LA on "March 1st" as he keeps saying, and with that, I've decided to stop struggling. It's like the ending of a favorite book. I know I only have a few chapters left, and I don't want it to end, but at the same time, you can't read a book forever. At some point, it's time to put it down and look back on its pages with love and in memory.

I don't know... I am obsessed with my red sweater and since it's from the Gap, I think I'm going to go get one in another color tomorrow morning.

I really have to get back to grading now. Two hours til the grades are due! I'm racing against the clock.

love,
h

I am designed for love from head to toe,
That is my world - and nothing else.
That is, what can I do, my nature.
I can only love - and nothing else.