Hyde acts like Hyde

I'm sitting in my office, eating a hard-boiled egg, about to give the last exam of the semester. I'm still sick, but it's not as bad as yesterday, and even then-- I had to cancel my voice lesson, but other than that, it wasn't debilitating.

Narc is still "not talking to me." "Ignoring" is probably the better word for it. I guess I don't exist anymore. It's been a week now; I don't know why; but I suppose it doesn't really matter. I tried to re-conceptualize myself yesterday and for the most part, it worked! (A minor miracle.)

I dragged my coughing, sneezing, groaning self out of the apartment by 1:00 PM and headed over to the New York Public Library. The books I needed were all in the Jewish division, and I couldn't bring my bags, my coat or my water bottle in there with me, so I was a little frustrated. Once I got going on the research, though, it felt good and I was on a roll. My fellow readers in that quiet (and isolating) room were a strange group. Nearly everyone there stayed for an extended period of time. I read incessantly for a good 4-5 hours before I got library burn-out.

By that time, it was dark out and it was raining-- a point which frustrated me because I had planned to walk to my therapy appointment. Instead, I caught a bus in the bustle of Fifth Avenue that moved slower along its route than a baby could have crawled. I had plenty of time though, so it didn't really matter.

Before therapy, I stopped into the diner for a bowl of soup. I felt strange, having spent the whole day in solitary scholarly pursuits and then dining alone. I kept playing with my cell phone-- texting a few people, calling a few others. But then, a woman came in with her toddler-- a really spunky kid, and I grew interested in observing them. I realized how little I do that anymore-- just observe what's going on around me. I'm always plugged in to my iPod or fiddling with my cell phone-- never fully present. So, I made a little exercise of it-- to stay engaged with my environment. It was kind of interesting.

Therapy was really useful. I'm sad that we are going to have to skip next week because of the holiday. And then, I came home, nose running and completely exhausted. I talked to Brick on the phone for quite some time. (He seems to be fully embracing getting sober. Yay!) And then I called some newcomer women from my own group-- talking to Brick made me remember how important that is. And then I made some hard-boiled eggs and watched Oz on HBO On-Demand. And then I went to bed.

What a "normal" day. What an "appropriate" day. I acted like a graduate student yesterday (for once!) and it felt good. In some ways I felt more like myself than I have in a very, very long time. It was a "Hyde" that needs to be reclaimed. A more true self than this crazy woman who thinks she's "Echo."

So, after I give this exam, I going to head back to the library again and try to put in at least three hours or so. I'm still sick, so I'm not sure what my endurance will be-- my eyes are a little watery and all the reading can get dizzying. Then, it's off to AA tonight, and then?

I guess I'll cap the night by enjoying my Christmas tree. I absolutely love having a tree in my house. Mr. Rochester does too.

love,
h