Past Perfect

Yesterday was truly an awesome birthday-- a most awesome birthday. Perhaps, even perfect!

I woke up with Narc, but left early to meet B for breakfast in my neighborhood. After B and I ate, I came home, showered and got dressed.

I also had the task of figuring out where to buy a Christmas tree since the people usually stationed nearby on Second Avenue were nowhere to be found this year. I called Home Depot, but they only had nine-footers left. So, I walked over to First Avenue and asked a sanitation worker if he knew where the trees were. He directed me north about 7 blocks. With that figured out, I came home, watched I Love New York and waited for B to get back from his "writing fellows" meeting.

When B arrived, we hung out for a bit and then set out to get the tree. I went with the pricier choice because it was a big, fat, glorious tree and I had to have it. After that, we came back to my place and waited for the tree to be delivered, listening to music and just hanging out.

At 2:30, I walked B out and headed to therapy. After therapy, I went to my voice lesson. It was a good lesson, but a serious muscular workout! From there, I decided to walk home. I swung past the windows at Bergdorf's even though I had already seen them, just because they are soooooo amazing this year. I liked walking in the cold, but the crowds on 5th Avenue are a bit much to handle.

Once back home, I relaxed for a while, waiting for it to be time to meet Hammer. Then I headed to the West Village where we got dinner in a Thai restaurant. It was good to catch up with her and hear about all the things she's doing and how her life is growing and changing. After dinner we headed to Marie's Crisis where we sang and sang. It was fun. I love that place and I hadn't been there with Hammer in quite a while. There were a lot of crazy characters lurking about to spice it all up.

At around 11:30, we headed out, and I went back to Narc's (which had been negotiated via text while we were at Marie's), Ben & Jerry's in tow.

At his place, he was frustrated trying to finish the game Portal and eventually gave up. Then he put on some DVD of a miniseries called Brideshead Revisited. It was strange, and I fell asleep on the couch pretty quickly, given that I had been up late the night before and had such a packed day. At nearly 2:00 AM, I relocated to the bedroom. I'm not sure when Narc joined me.

So-- that was it-- my perfect birthday.

Today? Not so perfect.

I woke up with Narc, which was nice, and we had sex, which was nice, but my head was thumping, as if I had a hangover. Maybe it was the pillow or the way that I slept.

Narc told me that he is definitely moving to LA in February. I don't know if it's true, but if so, it's one way to solve my problem.

Anyway, he was telling me stories about when he had taken classes at the New York Film Academy and all of the interesting people there. At some point, he decided to get up and google one or two of them to see if anything ever became of them.

One woman in his class had been a former "Miss Universe" and had been dating his friend. He found a fan-site for her, though, that said she was dating some Latino rapper. So... that got him started.

He started to rail on women, saying that "it figures" that she cheated on his friend and left him for some rapper, that all women are like that, etc. I should have kept my mouth shut and let it pass, but I challenged him. I told him that he doesn't know how the relationship ended, that he shouldn't make assumptions and that they aren't always right. I pointed out that he was wrong about me when he attacked me for being a "liar and a whore" over Thanksgiving.

"You should give people the benefit of the doubt."

"I made an educated guess about you," he said. "Chances were it was right... and what I usually find is that women are doing things to you that are ten times worse than you can ever imagine... you just usually find out about it a year later or something."

This started an even more in depth soliloquy against women-- women will fuck anyone who entices them right, women will look you straight in the eye and lie to you unflinchingly and innocently and have no problem with it, all women are two-faced, none of them are trustworthy, most of them are whores. Whenever I tried to protest, he had two tactics-- one was to say "oh, okay, Hyde-- YOU are the only exception. YOU are the only angel. All the other women I know suck." Or, he said "you're the same. You lied to me that time I found your blog."

"I never lied!" I insisted. "I didn't hook up with that guy! He pissed on my hand on the street--right there on Second Avenue! I didn't even kiss him! And I was wasted and it was two years ago!"

"When I asked you about it then, you lied. You are perfectly capable of lying. All women are."

"Maybe I didn't want to tell you because it's embarrassing. Who knows? But this is dumb, Narc. You lie to me all the time!"

"Like when?"

I rolled over in bed.

" I don't want to get into this," I said.

"Every woman I've ever known has been a liar and a whore," he said.

"Maybe it's the people you're choosing to hang out with."

"Oh, so they're all terrible and you're the only angel?"

"That's not what I said. But maybe you pick people who prove your point for you. I feel bad for you, Narc."

"Yeah? Well so do I!"

"I know you do... Believe me--- I know you do."

I was feeling disgusted. I got up out of bed.

"I'm going home," I said.

I started to get dressed. He ignored me and started to do the same. I sneezed twice. He didn't say anything. Then, he made a phone call to some photography guy he wants on his movie. It was as if I weren't there. So, I waited for him to hang up the phone.

"Can I ask you something?" I said, when he finally emerged from his bedroom.

"Yeah... sure..." he had a funny look on his face.

"Are we friends?"

"I don't know, are we?" he shot back.

"Well, I think so! But do you?"

"I don't know, Hyde... we never seem to have pleasant conversations."

"What??" (That answer surprised me.)

"I don't know how to be here if we're not friends," I said. "And I don't know how to be your friend if you think I'm so rotten-- that I'm a liar... completely two-faced. It's like I'm going to rip the mask of at any moment and be the awful woman that every woman is. I'm not! I'm not rotten!" I insisted. "I'm not rotten!"

My eyes were glassy and I didn't want them to spill. If I cried, it would all be written off as "female hysterics."

"I'm not saying you're rotten," he said.

"But you are, if you think I'm a liar."

"It's only logical, Hyde. In my experience, women are liars. In my experience women are two-faced. You want me to believe your the only exception?"

"I'm not trying to be an exception! That's your rule and not mine. I'm not trying to compare myself to the women you know. I'm just trying to be me. And I don't know... if we're not friends.... I don't know, Narc. I'm trying to be your friend. I'm not rotten!!"

He obviously wasn't going to back down or apologize for the insults he hurled at me two weeks ago... after all, it's only logical that I'm a liar and a whore, right?

"I've got to go," I said.

"Ok. See you later."

He was standing in his kitchen in his boxers. I gave him a hug and then swung out the door.

Then I got met by the weather-- it was freezing out with a mix of snow and rain and slush and my sneakers were sliding all over the sidewalk. Then I went to an ATM and found that I had a negative balance (because the check I deposited yesterday hadn't cleared yet, and I had emptied my account when I bought the Christmas tree!). So, I couldn't even take a cab home. I had to walk freezing and shaking and sliding all the way over to the dripping subway and then home from Grand Central Station. Ick.

And now I'm here. And I'm thinking that Narc is toxic. He's a bitter toxic poison. Maybe this is all because I am an Ophiucus...

love,
h