Everything is still in a cloud. My psychiatrist just upped my antidepressant. I saw Narc last night for the first time in a while. His head was all bruised and the side of his face looked like someone had aimed for the eye and then he fell and hit his head somewhere else. He doesn't remember what happened. We had amazing sex last night. My sponsor told me we are back to "not talking about Narc." Great... she was just about the only reason I survived the weekend at all. Guess I will have to make due on my own again.
Anyway, things aren't all that bad. Yesterday was my mom's birthday. I taught the English Civil War in the morning. I love being friends with Pixie and StarGazer. I owe Hammer lunch because I lost our bet about Beauty and the Geek. I had a good voice lesson today. NDN left a giant wooden cross outside my door-- just two planks nailed together. He is nuts.
I love that it snowed tonight. My "sober family" had a little get together on the Upper West Side. I walked along Central Park West afterwards and watched the snow flutter down in ribbons under the pink lamplight. I talked to Bezoukhoff on the phone for a bit while I walked.
Narc is going to New Orleans with James this weekend. I really am scared they might not make it back alive. His doctor warned him that his liver is fucked up and that he should stop drinking. He told me that last night. My head was on his chest.
My therapist told me to read The Idiot. I'm going to order a copy online.
Feeling a little like Leaving Las Vegas right now.
love,
h
8 comments:
It's so hard to turn the worry off, isn't it? Even when you know there is nothing you can do, and that they can only save themselves. :(
Totally off topic....I heard your boy Keifer is in prison for 48 days.
Now is your chance to visit him : )
Yeah, I know! B just sent me an email about that... But it's just what I need-- another alcohol related mess. ;)
love,
h
Good news is....you weren't involved with it.
Bad News....he doesn't get drunk and call you for sex in the middle of the night : )
Hyde! Can you send me a picture of Christmas lights from the city? I would love to see some.
Abba-- to do that I'll have to take some pics. Will try to remember! :)
love,
h
Do you understand why your sponsor can't talk to you about Narc? My impression is that it would be a little like trying to be your sponsor when you are actively using. I know it sucks not to have her as a sounding board, but it compromises her ability to stay sane too sometimes, I bet.
Those are just my thoughts, anyway.
Spins,
I do understand it and I'm not mad at her or anything. But at the same time, I don't know how to handle my feelings or where to put them and I just feel more alone since that conversation. I want to find a way to stuff all of my feelings back in. I've no way to deal with them once they are out.
love,
h
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