Hammerphilia

Well, that's it-- I'm full fledged sick. The cold has moved into my throat and chest and I had to cancel my voice lesson this afternoon.

Last night I couldn't sleep. Narc isn't responding to me again. I guess there's nothing I can do about it. But, because I couldn't sleep, I was online for along time and spent quite a while reading Hammer's old blog-- Hammerphilia. I read through the fall of '05 into the winter and spring of '06 and for some reason, it really helped me. Even though I knew everything that happened to her and even though I was super close to her at the time, in some ways, it was all witnessed through the fog of my own drinking and bottoming out and my own drama. Reading back on it now, I really identify with her feelings, and it made me feel stronger about doing what I have to do right now-- go to the library and start to put Narc behind me. I saw her doing just that and facing her own anxiety and loneliness and now she has come out the other end.

In any case, with Narc--I feel that things are coming to an end with him. I'm not sure how or exactly when, but I think that it will be over within six months. I'm just going to have to brace myself to face the anxiety that follows.

Anyway, I've laid in bed for way too long this morning. Even though I'm sick, I need to get out and do some work.

There's a lot on my mind today...

love,
h