Footprints

I've been in a strange space in my head all day today. I went to see Hansel & Gretel with my mom this afternoon. It was a decidedly strange production-- part realistic, part expressionist and part Dada-absurdist.

On the drive home, she brought up something from the past that I have a huge resentment about and it sent me into a downward spiral. I thought I had come to terms with most of that, but for some reason I was raw and angry today. So, I came back up to my apartment, shut off my cell phone for several hours, scowled and watched Eastern Promises.

Later on in the evening, I met up with NDN and his friends K & J who are in town, visiting from the UK. K is NDN's "oldest friend." We ate dinner at Lasagna and then headed over to FuBar for a game of pool. I haven't been in that bar since my drinking days. We all pretty much sucked at pool and there was a group of asshole boys waiting to take the table from us, so we quit after one game. After hanging out there for a while longer, we all headed back to my place.

K loves Broadway and likes to sing (which NDN neglected to mention!) but once we discovered that we shared that interest, we sang a few numbers. It was fun, but she and J were exhausted from their travels and NDN's allergy to Mr. Rochester was acting up, so the three of them went back to his place at about 1:30. I, however, was just getting started.

Maybe it was being out at the bar, or maybe it was just that cursed 1:00 AM "Second Wind" that seems to come without fail. But in any case, it awoke something old in me-- the nocturnal Hyde who never knows when to call it quits. The girl for whom "enough" is never enough!

I had to get out of the house.

So... I stopped over at Cheers.

It was strange-- I haven't had a drink for a year and nearly 8 months, and yet, I walked into the bar and was greeted with hugs and smiles by several people-- the RedFacedLawyer, Manwich, BarMan and strangely-- a random girl-- WelcomeToTheJungle-- some girl who I met at the bar and had come to my birthday party in 2005. I gossiped with BarMan a little bit and told him that Anxious and BulgarianGuy had gotten hitched. He was stunned that he had to hear the news from me.

Before I left, BarMan and I had another conversation that left me feeling strange-- kind of bad, kind of nostalgic, kind of like a ghost, kind of guilty, but mostly just strange.

"Do you know Sherri, the new bartender?" he asked.

"Um... no."

"That's right, I guess you wouldn't!" he laughed. "You don't even really know Dawn all that well, do you?"

"No... I mean, I know her, but I don't know know her."

"I'm telling you, Hyde," he went on, "it's just not the same around here without you. Seriously-- we had to change the way we order Jack after you stopped coming here."

"What? What do you mean?"

"Our Jack Daniels order! You used to go through at least four bottles a week-- just you and just on the Jack! We don't order as much now."

"Are you serious?"

My stomach flipped a little bit.

"Dead serious! I tell the new girls stories about you all the time."

"You do?"

"I tell them that they've never seen anything like it. They always say that there's no way that you could have been worse than FightingMensch, but I tell them that they're wrong-- that you were! That you could drink him under the table."

"BarMan!"

Now I was just embarrassed.

"No, I didn't mean that in a bad way, Hyde! I just meant that you should be proud!"

"Be proud? That you're telling stories about how much I was a drunk?"

"How much you could drink! You should be proud."

"I think I should be proud that I stopped drinking-- especially given that I was drinking that much."

"Yeah, well that too, of course!"

Now I think he was embarrassed.

"I didn't mean it like that, Hyde-- only that it was legendary-- that's all."

"Yeah, it's okay," I said. "But I've got to be going now anyway. Say hi to ThursdayGirl for me."

And I left.

But I still didn't want to go home.

So, I headed downtown to Marie's Crisis.

On the way there, I struck up a conversation with my cab driver. Was "Hyde" really back to her old ways? I just had to tell someone what BarMan had said to me and it was too late to call anyone I know. It turns out that my cabdriver has never tasted a drop of alcohol in his life!! And he was very encouraging about my sobriety. By the time we arrived, he was telling me to stay away from alcoholic boyfriends and wishing me many blessings for the New Year.

I was a "girl in black," pale with red lipstick. And I sat in the corner with my diet coke and scowled at the crowd, brooding because the pianist was on break and I had nothing else to do with myself. Some woman approached me after about fifteen minutes.

"Are you okay, miss?" she asked.

"Um, yeah. I'm fine."

I tried to muster a smile. She looked as if she felt awkward for having intruded like that.

"But thanks for asking!" I added.

Something is fucked up about that-- I'm sitting there sober and people are asking me if I'm okay?

Anyway, the pianist came back on, I sang a slew of songs, it picked up my mood, and I blew everyone away with Summertime again.

At the end of the night (nearly 4:00 AM), some brash, nasal singer from Australia kept wanting my attention. He told me that he's starred in the Sydney productions of Phantom and Les Mis and couldn't believe that I'm not singing professionally or performing anywhere. He asked where I trained.

"Um... nowhere," I stammered. "I mean, I take lessons, but I didn't go to conservatory or anything."

"You have to audition," he said. "Believe me-- I know what's out there. The room stopped when you sang. You have it. You have IT."

I loved that he was praising me like that, but I don't know why I always get so timid and modest and try to pretend that I have less training or knowledge than I do. I don't know why I put myself into that subordinate role. I don't know why I don't ever take a risk and try to do something with my singing. I don't know why going to Marie's and singing for the drunks at 4:00 AM is all the risk I'm willing to take-- especially when it feels good to feed on the praise.

I just felt strange again. I finished the night feeling strange. I guess I just don't have an accurate read on how people perceive me. BarMan surprised me. The woman who asked if I were okay surprised me. The Australian "Phantom" surprised me.

Back in my neighborhood, all the bars were closed. But "enough" still wasn't enough for this girl. I thought about how hellish it used to be when the bars would close and I wasn't done for the night-- how I would be dying to see Narc, just to keep it going, or how I would invite strange men back to my place to do coke JUST to keep it going, or how if I were desperate, I would go to the 24-hour deli for wine or use whatever I had stocked in my place to drink until my head hit the floor and I didn't have to face "trying to fall asleep."

Tonight, I couldn't do any of those things. So, I chain-smoked a few cigarettes (while fully aware that they damage the very voice that carried me through the night), walked about ten blocks South of my place and then swung across the street and walked back up. I passed the new bar that PumpedUp opened and they were closing up, but I saw the old Bouncer through the window and he waved at me and mouthed "Happy New Year."

Eventually, I had to come home. I found myself wishing for the thing to knock myself out. I still don't want to end the night. Who is this girl and how did she suddenly reappear? I have a disease and maybe I shouldn't play with it this way. They say it is "cunning, baffling and powerful." I thought about taking a Lunesta, or taking two. But I think I have to deny myself even the one-- that's not what I have them for. I am not allowed to knock myself out because I'm uncomfortable. Who do I think I am? How fucking strong do I think I am that I can walk through the footprints of my past and come away unscathed. Maybe it worked this time, but how do I know that this is something I can do?

I don't know anything anymore.

I'm scared of Narc moving away. I'm scared of how it will feel. I'm scared of the emptiness, the loss, the ending. I'm scared of knowing that he's not somewhere downtown, a few miles away-- drinking or playing a video game or napping or contemplating his naval.

I'm scared.

What BarMan said really bothered me. Maybe it bothered me because I miss the girl who could drink like that. Maybe I'm jealous of her. Maybe I hate her. I just wish I felt grounded in this new self.

I want to be grounded in this new self.

I'm babbling now. And it's nearly 5:00 AM. I think it's time to go face the torment of my pillowcase. I don't want to be awake when the sun starts flashing against the Chrysler building. There's nothing worse than the morning.

Good night.

love,
h