Congratulations to VJ-- she is having a boy!
As for me, things are still not in order and I still find myself unable to write. I'm just in pain... stark white pain. Maybe I'm bottoming with this... I don't know. But I'm one more step and then one more step closer to it all being over with Narc.
On Thursday after AA I went to a restaurant on the Upper East Side, owned by one of the members of our group. There was a huge group of AA's there, which was nice, because I got to talk to people who I don't usually talk to. I was in a bad place in my head, though, and I feel like I talked to too many people about my personal business. I regret it afterwards.
At around 11:00 PM, the party was breaking up, but I still didn't want to go home, so I took the crosstown bus and then the 1/9 subway all the way to Greenwich Village and made my way over to Marie's Crisis. On the bus, I bumped into another AA-- a guy that I met a year ago when he was just coming in, although I had only seen him once or twice since then. We had a serious talk on the bus, even though I barely know him, and before he hopped off, he gave me his business card.
Anyway, I sang at Marie's until 3:00 AM. It was hard to get completely out of my head, but I had moments in which I was purely gone, and it was fucking awesome. I didn't get to bed until after 5:00 AM, though.
Yesterday I was blue. I stayed in bed until the sky grew dark. I watched a few episodes of The Sopranos on In-Demand. I feel like I missed the boat with that show when it was on, so I figured with the writer's strike and all, I might as well start watching it now.
Anyway, something happened later in the evening that sent me into a tailspin. I really don't know how to handle my emotions. I just felt a hot searing spiritual pain in my chest that immobilized me. I really thought I would die in my desk chair, never being able to move again. I did somehow muster the ability to call Cherubino, and before I got her, I talked to Leseco. Cherubino invited me out to a comedy club with her and a friend of hers to see some improv group. I agreed to go.
I speed-walked all the way to the West Side, through the throngs of tourists at Rockefeller Center, listening to Wagner and Verdi all the while. I felt better being out and being valued. I am so grateful for my friends... so grateful I can't even express it.
Cherubino came back to my place with me and stayed the night last night. I couldn't sleep at all and woke up early this morning without an alarm.
I'm going to the opera today with B. We're going to see Domingo in Gluck's Iphigenie en Tauride. What a treat! Later, I'm going to a Lessons and Carols at my favorite church with Pixie. I'm also going to make my "amends" to B today. I'm scared about it, but I've been stuck, not doing any work on my 9th step for a long time, and maybe, since I don't know what to do about Narc, doing step-work is the only way for me to move forward and feel better.
Anyway, that's it for now. Like I said-- I'm in a lot of pain, I sometimes forget to breathe, and I barely feel capable of writing, but I also don't want to let the blog go completely.
Hope you are all well out there...
love,
h
PS: Today is my dad's birthday. He would have been 65 today. Happy December!
2 comments:
My day has been very frustrating and also good. How odd that those two can co-exist. I hope you enjoy Lessons & Carols.
Isn't nice when people are put in your path, like that man on the bus? I hope things went well with the amends. You're surrounded by people who love and care about you. Just keep taking care of yourself.
When the pain is bad, sometimes I just need to stop everything and just breathe, raggedly at first until it smooths out and my own jagged edges smooth out as well.
*hug*
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