"Your hair was long when we first met"

Oh man, am I exhausted! I think I'm fighting something off... either that, or allergies have gotten me. My eyes are stinging and it's hard to stay alert.

It hasn't been a bad week, just an "in between" one. I'm listening to a lot of Regina Spektor. It was that damn JC Penny commercial always stuck in my head that started me on this kick...

Today is NDN's birthday. Wishing him a happy one! There are a lot of September birthdays in my family... JBC's was yesterday; my stepdad's was on the 20th; my cousin Jail's is on the 30th; my uncle's was on the 8th. BigSis' friend English just had a birthday...

I'm tired. Did I say that already?

Tuesday night was hard. Brick told me that he's decided to drink again. I tried to reason with him for a little while, but it's really pointless. It just scares me and makes me really, really sad. But I've been talking to Pixie a lot lately-- in fact, we've been spending hours on the phone-- and she helped me re-center afterwards. I called Narc first (God knows why!) and he didn't pick up, so I left an "I'm sad" message.

The next day he sent me a text: Was asleep way early last night, feeling better today?

I thought it was incredibly sweet. Maybe because it was unexpected. It surprised me. (Are my standards too low?) I like being surprised. (What is she singing right now? "You are my sweetest downfall.")

I'm just feeling the weight of change right now. We're all passing into another chapter and then another. It's okay, I suppose. But I can't eat much and it's frustrating me. Sometimes I feel like this is all a dream.

I want to write songs again. Remember when I used to be a songwriter? Probably not... that was long before I kept this blog.

I'm sad about Brick. I'm tired from teaching this morning.

Today I taught the rise of Christianity. That's always a fun class. Some kid told me he likes my class and thinks he wants to be a history major. How about that? I'm an inspiration.

Why do I keep having cravings to get another tattoo? It's like I'm desperate for something permanent.

Being an adult is hard. Taking care of myself is hard. Maintaining my boundaries is hard. Living with ambiguity is hard.

I don't know where anything is anymore, and I'm getting the feeling that it's just how life is...

The cops are still swarming my neighborhood. I can't wait for them to leave. I feel invaded.

(I want to take a nap, but I probably won't.)

Today I bought one of those green "banker's" lamps. My apartment has awful lighting. Once the sun goes down, it's only good for chain smoking and being moody. But I don't even really smoke anymore.

Speaking of smoking (or not smoking), I had a voice lesson yesterday. I'm still really out of shape. It's frustrating.

I wonder what will happen next. This weekend I have parties for JBC and NDN's birthdays. I also have an AA picnic on Saturday and meetings on Sunday... Lots to do. But I'm thinking of someone... of someone... and wondering how to label all of this in my heart and how to be okay with the quiet.

I remember when I used to be so madly in love. When did that change? Everything is so much more "adult." I can't decide whether or not I like it.

love,
h