Not Good Enough

Well, he answered my email with one of his own...

What weird way? Just been writing. Taking today off, though, maybe get together later? Text soon--

Narc

I was running around all day yesterday between teaching two classes, taking my German history class and doing my Tuesday night commitments at AA, so I didn't have time to get to a computer. I checked the email from my cell phone just before AA and wrote back...

Just read your email. What weird way? The way in which you don't respond for days. It's weird to me... and frustrating and confusing.

Too sensitive my dear!! he replied.

Nature of the beast... But you know that, I said.

To which he wrote: Chill babe. Meeting friend now. Call later.

ARGHH!!!

In any case, despite my sheer exhaustion from the day, I got through the meeting. When I got out, I had a text from TT. He was at the newly instated "trivia night" at Cheers and invited me over. So... I went. I came home and showered first and put on some divine makeup. I was feeling pretty-- I'm down one pants size right now and it feels good considering how long it was that I was only gaining weight.

BarMan greeted me with a big hello into the microphone which was nice, but it was strange to be there. I just don't belong there anymore. I just don't. The new bartender (the one who has been there since IrishBird left) was wearing a viking cap and everyone was calling her "Thor." I was tired. I stayed for a few hours, but I'm not quite sure why. TT was looking cuter than usual though. Anyway, before I left, I went to tell BarMan goodbye.

"So, what do you do with yourself these days, Hyde?"

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"What do you do for fun!?"

"Um... I don't know... a lot of things!"

It seemed like a strange question to ask... as if my life would be empty now that I'm not drinking. But, in fact, it's quite the opposite. My life is busier and richer and more diverse and fuller than ever. I couldn't quite explain that to him though.

Anyway, Narc did finally write to me at around 11:00.

Just back in, he said. Coming down?

I felt weary... defeated by myself. I said OK.

It was OK last night... but it wasn't good.

"How's your writing?" I asked.

"Um... not making much progress. I haven't written in a while."

Given the email that he had just sent me that morning, I couldn't believe my ears. He can't even lie consistently! I didn't say anything, but I felt my face getting flush. He started to tell me how all he has been doing is playing Metroid, that he went to the beach out at Sandy Hook with James on Sunday, that he and James partied all night on Monday, that he and Laurie were out for drinks earlier, that on Saturday he had his friend Danielle come over and pose for some photo shoot. Still I didn't say anything.

It wasn't until two conversations later when I made myself muster it up.

"I thought you said you were busy writing all this time," I said quietly.

"Um... well... I mean, I was in front of the powerbook," he fumbled. "I just count any hours in front of the powerbook as hours logged writing."

"Even if you're playing Metroid?" I raised an eyebrow. "I don't really care," I went on, "but you don't have to lie to me."

After that we both let the conversation go. Who wants to deal with such unpleasantness? But I felt like shit about myself.

Later on, we watched the Simpsons Movie which he had downloaded and then at around 2:00 AM fucked and went to sleep. I still didn't feel in love with him. But I was somehow grateful to be near him. Craziness.

This morning he woke me up with an erection at 7:00 AM. I didn't get nearly enough sleep. We laid around for most of the morning. He was telling me how he thinks that moving to LA might fix his life and his "stasis."

"I think your stasis is internal," I said. "I don't think it can be fixed by adjusting the externals."

"Yeah, and I hate to drive," he agreed.

He told me that he is writing some children's book called "The Penguin and the Unicorn." It is about some bachelor penguin who sits around miserable and lonely in his igloo with his big flat screen and video games and martinis. (Sound familiar?) Then the penguin sees a gorgeous unicorn on TV and falls in love and sets off on a quest to find her. The unicorn is stupid and shallow though, and when the penguin reaches her, she won't even give him the time of day, so the penguin goes back to being an isolated lonely creature.

Lovely.

We parted ways at around 11:30. He went for a run/walk, and I got a cab to come home. I still felt like shit about myself. Narc only likes to surround himself with beautiful women and I will never be beautiful enough.

But maybe God threw something in my way to cheer me up... When I got into the cab, the driver turned around and said: "How are you so beautiful? You born that way?"

He went on and on to ask me about myself, to tell me I had kind eyes, was a "good woman" and that he was looking to marry a "good woman" like me. He said he was from Georgia and was 46.

"Is that okay?" he asked. "You only date American men? Is that too old?"

I was embarrassed. He asked for my number or if he could give me his. I said I would take his.

"You will call?"

"I'll think about it," I said.

Of course, I won't. It walked the fine line between flattering and creepy.

Anyway, I'm due for my one month post-op checkup today so I've got to go back to see the surgeon in an hour. I better go wash the Narc off of me before then.

I don't feel good about myself right now. I feel lonely.

love,
h