AlAnon (and the Narc)

I went to my first AlAnon meeting today and I'm really glad that I did. It felt weird to be a "newcomer" again at a meeting. I felt full of fear... fear of something... I don't know what... letting go?

Anyway, Narc texted me at 12:50 PM this afternoon:

Had tah cut down thah holdin', but still Out of the City...

My first reaction? Fear. Why was he so fucked up in the middle of the afternoon? Was something seriously wrong? I wrote back:

What?? Are you ok?

Narc: Am fine hon, just wondering where you are?

Hyde: Heading to lunch w my sister in midtown. What did your txt mean?

Narc: Come to cuddle. Come here after. Come soon...

Hyde: Call me to confirm and I will...

But I felt sick about all of it.

Lunch with my sister was nice. We ate at Cinema Cafe near Bloomingdale's. Afterwards, I called Narc but he didn't pick up. I didn't expect him to. I left him two messages and sent him one text, but he didn't pick up. After what happened to me a few weeks ago, I am never going down there again to "wake him up" without a confirmation of being let in.

Then I watched Bret Michael's Rock of Love and headed out to AlAnon. It's kind of fitting that I was sitting there through the whole meeting worrying about whether or not he would wake up and call me, worrying about whether or not he would be mad I didn't come down earlier in the afternoon, worrying about where he was out and about. When it comes to Narc, I definitely have an obsession and a compulsion. It doesn't feel all that different from my relationship with alcohol, except for the physical addiction.

Anyway, when I got out of the meeting, he had left me a message in his low and creaky voice that I love.

Hydeeen, what's up? It's the Narc here. It's a little after 5:30. Ugh. Just crawled out of bed. Dying... DYING! But um, yeah... thought you were going to come down and wake me up but uh, I guess you wanted to make sure I was around. Yes. I am indeed around. So, um,... yeah. Give me a call when you can.

I called him from the cab on my way home. I told him I had dinner plans with NDN but could come after.

"Um, well, you don't have to if you have plans," he said. "Don't bother."

Was this posturing? Or was this rejection?

"No, well I mean, my plans aren't late," I stammered. "I mean, I could come after if you wanted me to."

(What did he want from me? What was I supposed to say?)

"Well, I'm floating around tonight, Hyde," he said.

"What does that mean? Do you not want to see me?"

"I'll be floating around home."

(I still didn't get it.)

"So...? I'll just call you later?" I asked.

"Yeah. Sure. Call me later."

I'm not sure what to think or feel anymore. I made the resolution after last week that I am no longer going to contact him unless he contacts me first. It got me through the week with my sanity slightly more intact, but I feel like such a fool. Why can't I control my thoughts and behaviors any better than this?

StarGazer and Cherubino were over here last night. We watched Time Bandits, apparently a childhood favorite of Cherubino's. I felt exhausted. I wish I had been in a different mood. I keep wishing for a lot of feelings to change lately.

I don't know what I'm doing. I guess it really is just one day at a time.

That's it for now... before I slip into a morbid place.

Love,
h