Time Means Nothing to This Man (Part I)

It's been a strange week-- one full of nuanced internal shifts, but all positive (I think, I hope...). I was feeling pretty down on myself early in the week-- mostly confused about what I'm doing with Narc, what I expect to happen, what I want from him, what I expect from myself... But Rosh Hashana helped with a lot of that. (Maybe...)

I didn't have anyone to go to services with, even though Hammer gave me her ticket before taking off for Arizona last weekend. And I didn't really want to go alone. So, I laid around for most of Wednesday procrastinating, feeling sorry for myself, convincing myself that I was in a rut that I would never climb out of. I also felt pretty sick that day which didn't help. I contemplated not going to services at all. But I'm glad that I did because it was just what I needed.

The service was absolutely beautiful and I felt very close to "God" and back in perspective. After all, despite the fact that I catalogue my life on the blog and despite the fact that I'm a so-called "legend in my own mind," it's not all about me. This year is the centenary of Abraham Joshua Heschel and the synagogue included some readings from some of his works. Afterwards, I was compelled to read more. So, I strolled to the Barnes & Noble on 82nd Street on the Upper West Side and bought his A Passion for Truth, the last book that he wrote. When I got home that night, I felt good, whole, cozy and comfortable reading and reflecting in my own bed. If that's not a miracle, I don't know what is... It also gave me some really helpful insight about how I had been thinking about and handling my feelings for Narc. I have been beating myself up too much. And like I said, I'd like to write a post at some point exploring those issues a little more.

On Thursday it was off to my parents house to celebrate the holiday. BigSis and I met up on the train and got there early to help my mom prepare the meal. It was the first time I had seen my parents since their recent trip to Italy and the first time I had seen LilSis or JBC since they got back from their honeymoon. LilSis got home from work that day all dressed up in a suit and high heels. It was the cutest thing ever. NDN came out for dinner, as did Anxious, along with my mom's sister and her husband, my cousin Jail, and all of Bro-in-Law's family. It was a nice, mellow evening (aside from a few minor irritations between me and NDN) and overall, a good way to start the New Year.

And then came Friday... I had therapy on Friday afternoon and really needed it. I really needed it. Like I said, a lot has been shifting around on my "mental map" lately and I was able to articulate some of that in the session. I think that the holiday coming when it did illuminated something for me-- something that I've always known, but often forget. I seem to have a hard-wired need to worship. It's not very "modern," but I can't get around it. I need to worship. I always mistakenly transfer it onto objects that can not sustain worship (or people... I think we all know who I'm talking about!). But the need itself is not necessarily a "sick" one if it can be properly directed. I think my therapist has been working with mistaken assumptions (or conclusions) about me-- that I like humiliation, or that my masochism is linked to humiliation. It's not about humiliation at all. It's spiritual and powerful and religious and I have no fucking clue what to do with it.

Anyway, all of that is kind of a side note and I'm not in the right frame of mind to explore it any further right now. The point is, it's the anxiety around being out of control that makes me sick with Narc. My therapist told me to write something down on a card and carry it with me-- "Time means nothing to this man."

On Friday night, I had plans to meet up with NDN for dinner or a hangout or whatever... He came by at around 6:30 and had some work to do. I had to clean my house. So, he did his work and I cleaned and we listened to depressing music. Oh-- and we got into a fight. I won't go into the details, because I know NDN wouldn't want me to write about it all here, but there were some things that I had to say and I'm glad that I finally said them.

NDN left my place at around 11:00. I was tired too, and thought I would be going to sleep. But I had texted Narc earlier that night and (much to my surprise) he wrote back. He was home...watching Bill Mahr... drinking a martini...he invited me over. I was just out of the shower and had to dry my hair. I did it as fast as I could. Of course, I accepted his invitation.

There's not much for me to say about that visit on Friday night. It was what has become "standard." We watched some TV-- a Steven Segal movie... Narc was really excited about the part where the guy asks "Why did Richie kill Bobby Lupo?"

On Saturday morning we had really beautiful sex. It was nice, nice, nice. I almost felt what I used to feel. I almost felt in love again. (Imagine that... all the pain of the past, and now THAT'S the feeling I'm chasing!)

In any case, I wish I could have extended that morning, but I had to run off to meet Contessa and her friends for the start of her "bachelorette" festivities.

I suppose I'm lucky that my good friends from college were definitely not a drinking crowd, and that nobody was interested in the kind of raunchy bachelorette festivities I would have chosen to avoid.

Our first order of the day was to meet for massages. As good as a massage feels, I'm always a little uncomfortable with a stranger I can't see touching me. God damn trust issues... I got to the neighborhood a little early and peeked into Loehmann's which was a zoo. Then I turned the corner, only to find Contessa and GoldenFinch chatting outside the massage place. It was weird to see them there, so natural on a city corner, as if no time had passed at all from the days when all of us hung out up at Columbia. We waited for a while until another Columbia friend (Jenabe, the "maid of honor") and two others I didn't know found their way to the spa and then we headed in for our massages.

Overall, it was a really nice afternoon. After the massages we strolled over to Chelsea Market (which made me think of Brick!) and then went on a long walk straight across town to a Spanish place-- la Paella-- on East 9th Street. We walked down Hudson past Bar and Books, and around on Bleeker (which reminded me of an awful coke night). The city streets are full of so many memories... layers and layers of memories. I was suddenly filled with the urge to map them all out.

The restaurant wasn't exactly the easiest thing for me, as I'm still not eating "normally" and obviously not indulging in the sangria. The strangest part was watching those girls have two or three glasses of sangria and stop. I can't imagine stopping like that. I can't fucking imagine it. Contessa recounted her romantic history for us, all the way from her high school boyfriend up to her fiancee. Afterwards, GoldenFinch and another friend headed home and the rest of us walked over to the Comedy Cellar on MacDougal and 3rd.

I'm usually not such a big fan of comedy clubs, but this time I genuinely laughed. The best part were the surprise guests. Colin Quinn was there, and then, out of nowhere, they announced that Robin Williams had stopped in and was going to do a set! He was hysterical. He said he was back making a "9th step amends." Whether or not it was true, it was kind of strange that he said that, right?

I was feeling a little jacked up on caffeine at that point. (Caffeine used to have no impact on me except to stabilize me, but I haven't had it in a month and my surgery has left me much more sensitive to its effects). With all of that energy, we headed over to Marie's Crisis.

As you know, I love Marie's. It was a Saturday night, so I looked for SingMan in the crowd, but I didn't spot him. It was packed. We stayed there for a while and I didn't want to leave. I was definitely high on the delicious combination of caffeine and musical theater. They were doing Little Shop of Horrors. I wanted to stay for "one more song! One more song!" Finally, I agreed to take off with Contessa and Jenabe for some club in midtown where Jenabe wanted to go to hear "80's music." I was frustrated though. I would have been happy at Marie's all night.

The place that Jenabe picked was in the Times Square area. It was kind of lame. It was an audience participation/live music show with a mixed crowd there who looked like they belonged at a wedding-- young people, old people, slutty brides-to-be, tourists, a hip-hop crew, it was strange. But Contessa seemed to like it, so I ordered a few more diet cokes and put on a smile. At some point, Contessa, noticed for her "bachelorette" status, got called up to the stage where a gaggle of guys serenaded her. I was glad I stayed for that part, but at around 1:30, I told the girls it was time for me to head home. I had drank my fair share of diet cokes by that point and remarkably, my heart was starting to flutter and I felt anxious. It was almost a light "coke" feeling, but not... I'm telling you, I have always been impervious to caffeine, so this was really quite unexpected. I would have gone home... (I should have gone home?)... but something in my brain said "no." So, I went back down to Marie's, by myself, at 2:00 AM.

I don't know what the fuck I was doing.

I had a great time there, though. The pianist told me he remembered me from several times that I've been there. Somehow, something came up and I told him that I'm "sober" and he told me that he is too. Then he winked at me and asked if I wanted to sing "I have a love" from West Side Story. Of course, I agreed. He thumped on the piano and hushed the room for me. Even with dry mouth and a palpitating heart, it sounded good. I love doing that stuff.

This was a pretty awesome night. The icing on the awesome cake? Shortly after I finished the song, my phone rang. It was Narc and he was drunk! Wasn't I just saying I missed "drunk-Narc?" I felt giddy and strong. I took the call. He was surprised that I was out at a bar in the village by myself. I told him I would be right over. I still hadn't been home since I had left Narc's place that morning. But, I was happy. Pieces of "Hyde" were awakened, but I was still sober...

Anyway, I'll leave this post to be continued in a part II...