I'm listening to the soundtrack from Once right now. Meema was raving about it. It's really beautiful. I'll have to find time to go see the movie this week...
I should be at AA right now, but I'm feeling a little dizzy and a little queasy. I threw up not too long ago.
Last night I went to bed at around 1:30 AM. My eyes opened at 6:00 AM. Narc had sent me a text at 2:30 AM. "Come Down," he said. Obviously, I missed the text.
But then, strangely, psychically, another text arrived. He was still awake. So was I. I wrote something back to him. He called me. Red-eyed drunk, but quiet. He tried to initiate phone sex. It wasn't working.
"Why don't you just come down here," he said.
"The sun is coming up," I observed.
"So?"
"Okay."
So, I went.
Narc seems to have a keen sense for when something inside of me is shifting away from him. He turned it on last night. He kissed me passionately. He held me as close to him and as tightly as he could. There were no closed fists last night. Nothing hurt about it... not even the things that usually hurt. I thought I wanted to hurt for him, but I didn't have to.
This morning he kissed me again. (Well, later this morning, I suppose I should say, since I didn't get there in the first place until 7:00 AM!). PopStar had been back to the apartment to clear out the absolute last of her stuff. It felt so much better... as if things can finally breathe. I had left my toothbrush there the week before. It was in the cabinet next to his. Everything is meaningless. Narc told me he was a "tortured artist." I laughed. Ultimately, so did he.
I went to the library this afternoon and met B for a bite to eat. I could hardly eat. Something is off in my body today. But B was in a good mood and is doing some good work on his dissertation. It's so wonderful to see him finally re-motivated about school. It's nice to meet him there. It's nice to remember that we are both students.
My neighborhood has turned into a police state. It was hard to get home. Yep... it's that time of year again-- the UN is in session. The cops are so stressed out that I saw a guy get a ticket for jay-walking. The cops on my corner were wearing their NYPD baseball caps-- just like the one I got two years ago in a blackout-- the one I gave to Brick.
The sky is orange and gold and powdered with blue right now. The sun is setting. I feel at ease. I'm glad to be home right now. I've got to teach in the morning. Even though I don't want to, I have to thank God for anchors.
I've lost track of where things are going now. Just "staring out to sea," I suppose...
love,
h
3 comments:
My trip to NYC was great. I came home Saturday, and thank goodness. The vacation ended on a good note. I am so glad we missed all of the craziness with the Iranian president coming. Thank goodness. We pretty much visited the whole city. Where abouts do you live? You don't have to give me an address, perhaps just a close vicinity. It was fun visiting your city.
I would not be up for any sort of sex at 6 A.M. That is way past my "middle of the night waking each other up sex" point and much too early for my "waking up sex" point. I don't know how you can keep up with him!
Abba-- I sent you an email.
J-- I don't know either...
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