Running the Show

I am exhausted today. Exhausted, exhausted, exhausted beyond belief! No doubt because it was an incredibly long day. This was the first September 11th that went relatively unmarked for me, and I have mixed feelings about that.

In any case, let me backtrack a little, back to Sunday night...

When I got back from AlAnon, I sang in my apartment-- something I haven't done in a considerably long time (mostly because real singing had been difficult post-surgery). But it felt good to sing again. I sang Elsa's Dream from Lohengrin and felt myself sinking into my throat in a delicious way. It's a real high for me and one of the only ones I'm still allowed. So, I called to make an appointment for a voice lesson next week.

NDN came up to my place at around 6:45. He has been really depressed and anxious lately and needed to talk about a lot of that stuff. So, we laid around on my couches for a while and then headed down to his place to sample some of the Russian salads he brought back from Brighton Beach. After we ate, we laid around on his couch and talked for a while longer. But Narc and I had been texting. And I wanted to go see him.

So, I did.

I got to his place at around 11:00. I felt guilty that I had my period. I felt guilty for feeling guilty about that. He looked tired. There were at least seven or eight finished bottles of wine and champagne and scores of beer bottles laying around. Narc explained it away by saying that it's all because of James. James is the wild and crazy one. Narc even laughingly suggested that he needs to go to "James Anonymous." (Alcohol is never the problem.)

We watched some TV and I gave him some blow jobs. I don't feel like reliving it right now, although I gave StarGazer all of the juicy details. (Choiceless choices... in your ass or in your mouth?) I can't pretend to hate it though, because we all know that I love it or I wouldn't be going back for more. Whatever... I stayed on my knees for a long, long time and watched TV with my neck twisted around and my head on his lap. Only once did I have a second thought. I brushed it away as quickly as it came.

I am always grateful to be there.

We got into bed. I told Narc that I went to an AlAnon meeting.

"Why?" he asked. "Isn't that for people with a problem alcoholic in their life?"

"Um... yeah, or people who grew up with problem drinkers," I said. "My therapist thought it would be a good idea."

He cuddled me close when we went to sleep, but it was hot in the room. I kept looking up at his face and wondering what I was doing there. I never see him drunk anymore. I miss drunk Narc. He makes more sense to me that way. It all does.

Narc couldn't sleep. He must have gotten up five or six times in the night and finally turned the air conditioner on. My alarm went off at 10:00 AM with a twinge of guilt. I didn't want to wake him up, but I had an appointment to pray with StarGazer. I went into the bathroom and whispered my prayers. I forgot to bring the prayer book, so she had to read those parts. Afterwards, I crawled back into bed with him. More blow jobs for him. Then I put my head on his chest and it was all okay and strangely normal.

We got out of bed at around Noon. I had to go home to shower and pick up B's contact lenses (which he had delivered to my apartment) before meeting him at school at 3:00 PM. Narc took his book (he's re-reading "Shogun") and decided to head for a cafe. He said he still needed another day to "recover" so he couldn't do any real work.

When we got into the elevator, I was startled to see the Sorceress-- Narc's neighbor who was there through the whole ordeal when he almost died last Fall. (I wrote about her in the first few posts of December '06).


"Hi!" I said, half embarrassed. (In case you forgot, she's the one who told me that Narc called me a "fuck buddy" and gave me a long talking-to about how I deserve better and was being abused).

"Hi," she smiled, wryly.

I could feel her judging me.

"Where are you off to?" she asked Narc.

"Maybe Blue Goose for a beer and a read."

"I thought you were doing something else..." she said.

"No, I only did that for a day."

(They were talking about Narc's one day attempt at the Master Cleanse fast which had apparently taken place earlier in the week.)

Narc and I stopped at the lobby ATM, but when we got outside it was raining.

"I've got to run for an umbrella," he said. "I'm running towards Broadway."

"Well, I guess I'll say goodbye here."

"You don't need an umbrella?"

"I don't care if I get wet."

I kind of wanted it...

Back at home, I showered and changed and did a quick turn around to meet B. I tried to eat some chicken salad when I was with him, but ended up puking it up later in the library. From there I went to AA. It was a good meeting. A cute college boy brought up Kierkegaard in his "share." He reminded me of the kind of boy a college-aged Hammer might have had a crush on.

Last night, I was curling up on the couch to watch Curb Your Enthusiasm when StarGazer called. There was a busted water pipe in the bakery under her apartment and she had no shower. So, she came over here to shower and watched the show with me.

Today was a crazy day... a crazy, exhausting day. I taught two classes this morning, dashed across town to meet ProfSex for her office hours, finished up some reading and then went to class. After class, I trekked over a few avenues to find a supermarket to pick up milk for AA and then hung out at the meeting from 4:30 until nearly 9:00 PM. I was hungry and ready to get home when I got home.

But now that I'm home, why do I feel so empty? I talked to Pixie on the phone for a while tonight and then Meema. And then Lana called and was in a bad space and needed an ear. But why do I feel so empty?

I was just reading back some posts from December, looking for the times that I wrote about the Sorceress. The Narc was calling me drunk then. He was telling me that he loves me. He doesn't call me like that anymore because he has a drinking buddy. He has James every night now, ever since James left his wife. I will never hear him say he loves me again.

My heart is so, so, so confused.

I'm confused about AlAnon too. Even though I am a textbook AlAnon, I don't need to complicate my life right now with someone else making demands of me that I can't meet... with someone else telling me what to do. If it will give me useful tools, that's great... but if it is just another "you have to..." that I can't comply with, I'll hate myself even more.

I just wish I could make some things into what I want to make them.

I wish I still believed I were running the show.

love,
h