I am a very cranky girl right now. I am on a diet of "clear liquids" to prep for the surgery. One day down, but then I can't believe I have to go through another day of this hell. And then a pure fast the day of! I know I'm a masochist, but I'm also a hedonist. This is just not working for me in general. I have a headache and am finding it hard to concentrate.
Nothing has really happened to me since I last posted. The bruise is still on my arm. I met Hammer last night to eat chocolate pizza at Max Brenner's. She was cranky last night, as she was last minute packing on her way to Portland to see the Alaskan. Brick made up with his boyfriend which is a good thing. B came over this afternoon and we watched Children of Men, a decidedly creepy movie.
Oh-- did I tell you that I emailed some professors about my incompletes? Well, I got two emails back, one from ProfSex and the other from our department chair. Both were encouraging. So, that's a ray of sunlight piercing the black storm cloud of crankiness in which I am generally enveloped.
Um... otherwise... um... well, I'm too scattered to post.
Expecting Narc back from LA any day now, but I don't expect that he'll ever call me again. I get scared just thinking about him. I really shouldn't let myself go there, so I won't. I just need to think positive thoughts and take care of myself right now. I need to be a good mother to "little Hyde."
My head is spinning as much as it is aching. I'm going to go suck on an ice pop and watch some brainless TV. Hopefully sleep will come soon tonight.
love,
h
PS: Patti LuPone in Gypsy was PHENOMENAL! The audience was so in love with her and everyone was so enthusiastic. Oh, and Stephen Sondheim was there... seriously... it was, as I said to Hammer, "an event!" It was most certainly an event!
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Sunday, July 29, 2007
The Week in Review (sort of)
The sky is gray today. Gray and thick and cold-- the color of thunder. It didn't start out that way though. It was unbearably humid when I met Hammer this morning at the "German diner for brunch." I hadn't seen her since she left for Paris a few weeks ago. We ate and caught up and then walked over to the Tea Spot for some afternoon tea. We sat downstairs in the basement where we could see the fat raindrops splattering against the pavement. No one had turned the lights on down there. I liked it.
Anyway, it has been an incredibly busy week... I'm not really sure where I should begin.
Earlier in the week, my first order of business was going to meet with someone in the Student Affairs office at school. I am now officially SEVEN incompletes in the hole-- the only place in my life where I am still feeling the burn of all of the destruction I did while drinking. It's hard for me to face up to; it's hard to think about; and it's even harder to imagine how I'm going to pull myself out of this one. But I have to begin somewhere. "Make a beginning," as they say in AA. So, I went in on Tuesday to deal with it all.
I was happy to see Bezoukhoff when I got there. He's working in that office for the summer. While I waited, he showed me some strange Russian art on the computer (including an alligator disguised as Stirlitz and this strange Nazi poster warning people not to "chatter").
Anyway, I left the appointment with a lot of mixed emotions. In some ways, the woman I met with was able to help me, but in the end, the bottom line is the same-- I am in an impossible deep mess in terms of my coursework and I'm still trying to teach just one class short of "full time," go to AA every day and still expect the PhD to just fall into place. I don't think it's going to work that way. I think that if I'm ever going to fix this, I have to make my own coursework a priority and I need to find a way to get the support that I need, whether it be through advising or by staying intellectually engaged with other students.
In any case, I didn't have much time to dwell on the whole thing because I promised Pixie I would meet her at a health clinic that afternoon so she could get some tests done that she was afraid to do on her own. I called Cherubino in the cab on the way over to give her a brief update on my meeting. I had a pounding headache and ended up frustrated with her because she doesn't really understand what my coursework is like, or what it means to have to write seven papers at this level. It's just not the same as undergraduate work.
After AA that night, I made plans to meet up with Bezoukhoff again. I just really needed to talk to a fellow historian. I was on "bird-duty" for Hammer, so Bezoukhoff and I met at her apartment, fed Jimmy and Yellowy and set off for the Olive Tree Cafe on MacDougal where we got to draw with chalk on the slate tables and eat borscht. I was having a mini-breakdown, feeling miserable about my status in the history department, overwhelmed with the obligation to continue teaching, upset with Cherubino, crazy about Narc, and worried about my health problems. Bezoukhoff was really a life-saver that night, helping me sort at least some of it out and break it down into a more manageable way to think about it all.
Anyway, that was Tuesday...
On Wednesday, I had plans with B. If you recall, I sort of stirred things up last week, making the great proclamation that I "felt a wall growing up" between us. We met at my apartment and then headed to South Street Seaport for the afternoon. Thank God, said "wall" was nowhere to be found.
While we were eating lunch, I got a call from my doctor. This is, of course, the mini-drama I don't really want to discuss on the blog, but I might as well say this-- I'm officially scheduled for major surgery this coming Thursday. Last Wednesday was the day I found out. I was both excited and scared and was glad to be with B at that moment.
After lunch, we just talked and walked around the seaport and then took the NY Water Taxi (a new favorite discovery!) up the East River and over to 34th Street. We walked to the movie theater on 2nd Avenue and watched the most recent Harry Potter movie. I was impressed... of course, my favorite character is Alan Rickman as "Snape," but Gary Oldman looking Dracula-esque was a close second.
Walking back from the movie theater, I bumped into my "sober sister," Leseco, on the street corner. It was kind of strange. I gave her the news about my surgery.
That night, I had plans to have dinner with NDN. He came over and we made a giant vat of my semi-famous spaghetti and meatballs and NDN fed me strawberries. (He was a little gross about it, I have to say...) I really haven't had much time with NDN lately, so it was good to see him. He made the breakup call to some girl while I was making the meatballs. Then we enjoyed our dinner by candlelight.
Thursday was a pretty good day... I had coffee with Slope in the afternoon and then met up with AB (Leseco's sponsee) just before the meeting for another round of coffee. AB is still counting days and is running into some emotional trouble as she's "obsessed with someone," as she put it. If anyone knows about obsession, it's me. At last! The lessons learned from my insanity with Narc were sort of put to good use.
That night after the meeting, Dan came over to keep me company while I scarfed down dinner. As you may know (if you read his blog), Dan took off for Japan on Saturday... for good. "For Good?" I hate when things are for good. This was likely the last time I'll have seen him... at least for a very, very long time. I hate good-bye's more than anything. I felt really weird after he left-- as if something much bigger had ended... a part of me, a chapter of my life... something. I don't know... it was confusing.
On Friday I had to wake up bright and early to go to the hospital for a whole series of pre-op tests. I was there for five hours!!! Fucking crazy, right? The one good thing that came out of it? I have a nasty bruise on my arm from where the nurse took my blood. It's huge. It's been three days now and it's stretched out to cover nearly half of my forearm. Of course, I shouldn't be indulging myself, but as most of you know by now, I've always sexualized beating and bruises... oh well. As long as it's not self inflicted, I'll enjoy it for what it's worth.
After the litany of tests, I had to rush home to get dressed, get to therapy and then head over to Astoria for a party. Bro-in-Law and his sister had planned a surprise 35th Anniversary party for their parents at the same hall where their parents had gotten married.
I took the N-train to the end of the line. My mom was supposed to pick me up at 6:30 but was nearly an hour late, so I had to wait in McDonalds, scowling into my Ayn Rand novel. (Bezoukhoff recommended "We the Living" as the basis for my erstwhile opera about the Russian Revolution).
The party itself was fun. It was at a cheesy Queens-style disco. The DJ played plenty of late-'80's, early '90's stuff and Bro-in-Law got to take the mic and get down with his infamous Rob Base impression. I haven't laughed that hard in a while. My stepsisters were at the party and I tried to make small talk with Jewel's boyfriend, but it wasn't that easy.
Anyway, I ended up staying over at my parents place that night. I had promised LilSis that Saturday would be a "makeup day," as I promised to do her makeup for the wedding. I have to admit, I am a makeup-artist extraordinaire!
BigSis stayed over too and when we woke up on Saturday morning, my mom made french toast with blueberries for the three of us and my stepbrother. At around 1:00 (waaaaay later than planned) we left for the mall.
Now, let me be plain:
I HATE THE MALL.
Was that clear?
I H-A-T-E T-H-E M-A-L-L!!!!!!!!!!!
I have hated the mall for as long as I can remember. I'm not a "shopper," I get overwhelmed with the crowds and the gross consumerism makes me a little nauseous. (That's not to say I've transcended consumerism. I just like to pretend that in some small way I may have. The mall demolishes my denial).
But there I was in the mall... my mom, BigSis, LilSis and me. I doubt it'll happen again anytime soon.
We hit Sephora and my mom bought me a pair of silver Nike sneakers and then we went to MAC. I got really pissed off because the makeup artist at MAC pressured LilSis into her chair and then started doing her makeup. I felt useless and upstaged. What was I there for if not to do that very job myself? I was also hungry and irritable. I had to call my sponsor.
Cherubino reminded me to evaluate myself and ask if I needed to "HALT." I did. So, I got a snack. Then I found a quiet corner and said a prayer. Sometimes I think it's ridiculous to be an alcoholic. I can't even survive the MAC counter without having to call my sponsor and pray... Ugh!
Anyway, we finally survived with my mom spending nearly $400 on makeup before we headed back to her house for Italian takeout. I did LilSis's makeup in a trial run (all according to my own design, of course!) and it came out beautifully. I promised my mom to do her makeup for the wedding too, but I didn't have time to do the trial. I will probably have to go back there next weekend when I'm recovering, so I figured I could do hers then.
And then it was back to the city! My mom drove me in because I had to pick up Brick's coffee table and end tables. He's moving to LA in two weeks and so he has to get rid of all of his furniture. It went pretty smoothly except I had to be all the "muscle" in that little endeavor, hauling and lifting all of the tables in and out of the car, from the elevator to the street, etc. We also had to take out my old table. It had an extravagant painting on its surface that I made a few years ago, so I was a little sad to see it go. Brick assured me that his table has seen its share of cocaine so it should feel right at home here.
Anyway, this morning I met up with Hammer and now I'm home blogging and Brick just arrived. He's on the run because his boyfriend was being an asshole and so he's going to crash here tonight.
So... on that note, I will leave you all. I'm a little nervous about Narc coming back from LA because I haven't said a word to him about the surgery. What if he shows up for one of his new little "video-masturbations" and I'm in the hospital? What will I say?
Anyway, I need to go pay attention to Brick now. I'm going to see Pati Lupone in Gypsy tonight with my mom, LilSis, my aunt, my cousin Jol and Hammer (since BigSis got sick and can't use her ticket!).
Ok... lots of love!!!!!
h
Anyway, it has been an incredibly busy week... I'm not really sure where I should begin.
Earlier in the week, my first order of business was going to meet with someone in the Student Affairs office at school. I am now officially SEVEN incompletes in the hole-- the only place in my life where I am still feeling the burn of all of the destruction I did while drinking. It's hard for me to face up to; it's hard to think about; and it's even harder to imagine how I'm going to pull myself out of this one. But I have to begin somewhere. "Make a beginning," as they say in AA. So, I went in on Tuesday to deal with it all.
I was happy to see Bezoukhoff when I got there. He's working in that office for the summer. While I waited, he showed me some strange Russian art on the computer (including an alligator disguised as Stirlitz and this strange Nazi poster warning people not to "chatter").
Anyway, I left the appointment with a lot of mixed emotions. In some ways, the woman I met with was able to help me, but in the end, the bottom line is the same-- I am in an impossible deep mess in terms of my coursework and I'm still trying to teach just one class short of "full time," go to AA every day and still expect the PhD to just fall into place. I don't think it's going to work that way. I think that if I'm ever going to fix this, I have to make my own coursework a priority and I need to find a way to get the support that I need, whether it be through advising or by staying intellectually engaged with other students.
In any case, I didn't have much time to dwell on the whole thing because I promised Pixie I would meet her at a health clinic that afternoon so she could get some tests done that she was afraid to do on her own. I called Cherubino in the cab on the way over to give her a brief update on my meeting. I had a pounding headache and ended up frustrated with her because she doesn't really understand what my coursework is like, or what it means to have to write seven papers at this level. It's just not the same as undergraduate work.
After AA that night, I made plans to meet up with Bezoukhoff again. I just really needed to talk to a fellow historian. I was on "bird-duty" for Hammer, so Bezoukhoff and I met at her apartment, fed Jimmy and Yellowy and set off for the Olive Tree Cafe on MacDougal where we got to draw with chalk on the slate tables and eat borscht. I was having a mini-breakdown, feeling miserable about my status in the history department, overwhelmed with the obligation to continue teaching, upset with Cherubino, crazy about Narc, and worried about my health problems. Bezoukhoff was really a life-saver that night, helping me sort at least some of it out and break it down into a more manageable way to think about it all.
Anyway, that was Tuesday...
On Wednesday, I had plans with B. If you recall, I sort of stirred things up last week, making the great proclamation that I "felt a wall growing up" between us. We met at my apartment and then headed to South Street Seaport for the afternoon. Thank God, said "wall" was nowhere to be found.
While we were eating lunch, I got a call from my doctor. This is, of course, the mini-drama I don't really want to discuss on the blog, but I might as well say this-- I'm officially scheduled for major surgery this coming Thursday. Last Wednesday was the day I found out. I was both excited and scared and was glad to be with B at that moment.
After lunch, we just talked and walked around the seaport and then took the NY Water Taxi (a new favorite discovery!) up the East River and over to 34th Street. We walked to the movie theater on 2nd Avenue and watched the most recent Harry Potter movie. I was impressed... of course, my favorite character is Alan Rickman as "Snape," but Gary Oldman looking Dracula-esque was a close second.
Walking back from the movie theater, I bumped into my "sober sister," Leseco, on the street corner. It was kind of strange. I gave her the news about my surgery.
That night, I had plans to have dinner with NDN. He came over and we made a giant vat of my semi-famous spaghetti and meatballs and NDN fed me strawberries. (He was a little gross about it, I have to say...) I really haven't had much time with NDN lately, so it was good to see him. He made the breakup call to some girl while I was making the meatballs. Then we enjoyed our dinner by candlelight.
Thursday was a pretty good day... I had coffee with Slope in the afternoon and then met up with AB (Leseco's sponsee) just before the meeting for another round of coffee. AB is still counting days and is running into some emotional trouble as she's "obsessed with someone," as she put it. If anyone knows about obsession, it's me. At last! The lessons learned from my insanity with Narc were sort of put to good use.
That night after the meeting, Dan came over to keep me company while I scarfed down dinner. As you may know (if you read his blog), Dan took off for Japan on Saturday... for good. "For Good?" I hate when things are for good. This was likely the last time I'll have seen him... at least for a very, very long time. I hate good-bye's more than anything. I felt really weird after he left-- as if something much bigger had ended... a part of me, a chapter of my life... something. I don't know... it was confusing.
On Friday I had to wake up bright and early to go to the hospital for a whole series of pre-op tests. I was there for five hours!!! Fucking crazy, right? The one good thing that came out of it? I have a nasty bruise on my arm from where the nurse took my blood. It's huge. It's been three days now and it's stretched out to cover nearly half of my forearm. Of course, I shouldn't be indulging myself, but as most of you know by now, I've always sexualized beating and bruises... oh well. As long as it's not self inflicted, I'll enjoy it for what it's worth.
After the litany of tests, I had to rush home to get dressed, get to therapy and then head over to Astoria for a party. Bro-in-Law and his sister had planned a surprise 35th Anniversary party for their parents at the same hall where their parents had gotten married.
I took the N-train to the end of the line. My mom was supposed to pick me up at 6:30 but was nearly an hour late, so I had to wait in McDonalds, scowling into my Ayn Rand novel. (Bezoukhoff recommended "We the Living" as the basis for my erstwhile opera about the Russian Revolution).
The party itself was fun. It was at a cheesy Queens-style disco. The DJ played plenty of late-'80's, early '90's stuff and Bro-in-Law got to take the mic and get down with his infamous Rob Base impression. I haven't laughed that hard in a while. My stepsisters were at the party and I tried to make small talk with Jewel's boyfriend, but it wasn't that easy.
Anyway, I ended up staying over at my parents place that night. I had promised LilSis that Saturday would be a "makeup day," as I promised to do her makeup for the wedding. I have to admit, I am a makeup-artist extraordinaire!
BigSis stayed over too and when we woke up on Saturday morning, my mom made french toast with blueberries for the three of us and my stepbrother. At around 1:00 (waaaaay later than planned) we left for the mall.
Now, let me be plain:
I HATE THE MALL.
Was that clear?
I H-A-T-E T-H-E M-A-L-L!!!!!!!!!!!
I have hated the mall for as long as I can remember. I'm not a "shopper," I get overwhelmed with the crowds and the gross consumerism makes me a little nauseous. (That's not to say I've transcended consumerism. I just like to pretend that in some small way I may have. The mall demolishes my denial).
But there I was in the mall... my mom, BigSis, LilSis and me. I doubt it'll happen again anytime soon.
We hit Sephora and my mom bought me a pair of silver Nike sneakers and then we went to MAC. I got really pissed off because the makeup artist at MAC pressured LilSis into her chair and then started doing her makeup. I felt useless and upstaged. What was I there for if not to do that very job myself? I was also hungry and irritable. I had to call my sponsor.
Cherubino reminded me to evaluate myself and ask if I needed to "HALT." I did. So, I got a snack. Then I found a quiet corner and said a prayer. Sometimes I think it's ridiculous to be an alcoholic. I can't even survive the MAC counter without having to call my sponsor and pray... Ugh!
Anyway, we finally survived with my mom spending nearly $400 on makeup before we headed back to her house for Italian takeout. I did LilSis's makeup in a trial run (all according to my own design, of course!) and it came out beautifully. I promised my mom to do her makeup for the wedding too, but I didn't have time to do the trial. I will probably have to go back there next weekend when I'm recovering, so I figured I could do hers then.
And then it was back to the city! My mom drove me in because I had to pick up Brick's coffee table and end tables. He's moving to LA in two weeks and so he has to get rid of all of his furniture. It went pretty smoothly except I had to be all the "muscle" in that little endeavor, hauling and lifting all of the tables in and out of the car, from the elevator to the street, etc. We also had to take out my old table. It had an extravagant painting on its surface that I made a few years ago, so I was a little sad to see it go. Brick assured me that his table has seen its share of cocaine so it should feel right at home here.
Anyway, this morning I met up with Hammer and now I'm home blogging and Brick just arrived. He's on the run because his boyfriend was being an asshole and so he's going to crash here tonight.
So... on that note, I will leave you all. I'm a little nervous about Narc coming back from LA because I haven't said a word to him about the surgery. What if he shows up for one of his new little "video-masturbations" and I'm in the hospital? What will I say?
Anyway, I need to go pay attention to Brick now. I'm going to see Pati Lupone in Gypsy tonight with my mom, LilSis, my aunt, my cousin Jol and Hammer (since BigSis got sick and can't use her ticket!).
Ok... lots of love!!!!!
h
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
On Blogging
I have a very strange relationship with this blog right now. Some things are happening in my life that I've chosen not to blog about (for various reasons). That said, I don't want to hold any of myself back here and I don't want to hide. I want to be an honest writer. In any event, I received some big news today. I can't be myself on this blog and not have made that statement.
I'm confused about where my boundaries are right now and just how much of myself I want to share.
But then, I guess that's not such a big surprise. I've always been confused about a lot of things.
I guess I'm just throwing this out there. Do any of you have parts of your life that you just don't blog about? Am I crazy for wanting to keep some things separate?
love,
h
I'm confused about where my boundaries are right now and just how much of myself I want to share.
But then, I guess that's not such a big surprise. I've always been confused about a lot of things.
I guess I'm just throwing this out there. Do any of you have parts of your life that you just don't blog about? Am I crazy for wanting to keep some things separate?
love,
h
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Cherubino, Narc, Brick and B...
I am feeling alone.
It doesn't make sense, since my life is absolutely filled with people... so many people that I feel like I'm never calling half of my friends back or giving people the time they deserve, or making plans with the people I'd like to see.
But, it doesn't seem to make a difference.
And today, or this weekend rather, some things that have been brewing for some time have come to a head.
First and foremost, I had an embittered argument with my sponsor on Saturday night. She felt it was urgent for me to make a specific amends to Narc (that I'd rather not discuss here) and I took the first steps towards doing just that. I wasn't convinced, however, in my heart that this move was either necessary or fruitful. In fact, in my opinion, making that particular amends at this particular moment will only cause greater psychic pain for both me and Narc and will have absolutely no productive outcome.
I don't know if any of you read my blog this weekend, but Narc wrote me that email (that beautiful email that made me just want to hurl myself at his feet) and it seemed to push everything under some giant internal spotlight.
What my sponsor was asking me to do felt wrong, wrong, WRONG!
So, I told her I wasn't going to do it.
This caused the aforementioned argument on Saturday night. When we parted ways, I had agreed (again!) to try to take her direction. But back at my place, I knew (again!) that I didn't want to and that it felt wrong. I momentarily thought about lying to her and saying I had done it, just to smooth the whole thing out, but I don't want to destroy what has thus far been an honest relationship.
So, last night I sent two emails... the first to Narc, the second to Cherubino.
To Narc:
Hey Narc,
Thanks for this email. I really appreciate it. I want to say something more, but I'm not sure how to say it, so I'm just going to leave it at that and hope that you know what I mean... :)
In any case, I do still need to "clean up my side of the street," as they say. Of course it can wait until you are back from your trip. I hope that the trip is productive and that you have a lot of fun! Just let me know when you're back in town.
Lots of love,
Hyde
And to Cherubino I said something like:
I know you're not going to like this, but I have decided that I'm not going to make this particular amends to Narc... And I have made that decision based on the following facts--
(blah, blah, blah-- details I don't want to disclose on the blog)
...And as such, I am ethically comfortable with the fact that I am not emotionally willing to discuss this with him. Like I said, I know you're not going to be happy with this email. But that's where I'm at.
I'll see you tomorrow morning.
Love,
Hyde
I met Cherubino and Leseco and Leseco's sponsee for brunch this morning (near Prospect Park) and we didn't really discuss it. But Cherubino told me she read the email.
"And...?" I asked.
"And, I think we should go back to not talking about Narc anymore if you don't want to take my suggestions."
So, there it is. We now have a wedge between us. Since I'm not willing to move it, I guess it's just going to have to stay lodged there. And it sucks.
Moving on...
Brick cancelled plans on me YET AGAIN, although at this point it doesn't surprise me in the least. I still can't help feeling sad though. He disappoints me in general.
And then there was B...
My relationship with B is one that I feel I have never quite adequately captured on the blog. Perhaps because it was so intense so long ago... perhaps because the soul connection between us was forged before I was "Hyde"... I don't know. But in any case, he is the only person in the world that I have ever completely "let in." His friendship runs very deep within me and it is very important to me.
For the past three years or so, we have been on a slow path of separation. You may remember the tragedy of losing our "24-nights" together, hashed out in January 2006, or March 2005 when I stood on 6th street thinking "B is leaving me." He was. He is. And I've been feeling it more and more lately.
Our friendship, as of late, has felt something like this:
Hyde calls B and desperately wants a connection. So, she begins to talk-- about herself, her fears, her struggles... and she waits for a response.
"Um, ok." B says. He offers nothing more.
Hyde feels anxious. B sounds tense, as if he doesn't want to be "dumped on." Hyde hangs up the phone.
Every time we hang out I feel like I'm practically begging for his time. It's ridiculous. I know that I am his best friend. I know that he doesn't want to lose my friendship. But, it's as if he doesn't want to make the active "choice" to be there as a friend, to share things with me as a friend. I don't care if he listens to my problems or not. If he'd talk about himself, that would be okay too. I just want connection!
I know that he is struggling to reconcile our relationship (which has always been a "primary" relationship to him) with his upcoming marriage, but it really hurts to consistently try for that connection and get shut down. I can't do it anymore. I won't bother him if that's what he wants. He's going away? I'll go away too.
But I think that it's tragic.
So, I told him exactly how I feel. He acknowledged that "wall" and said that he's not sure what to do about it either. We agreed to do nothing until after his wedding and until after I deal with my medical issues at hand.
I can't imagine my life without him, though... my psyche without him. He has been my best friend for as long as I've been an adult. I met him when I was 17. But I guess I'm growing, because I'd rather lose the friendship than force it or be made to feel like a burden or be constantly hammering away at a wall, desperate for a connection. I've had enough of that with Narc to last me a lifetime. It's not an "honest" way to relate to someone.
The bottom line?
I'm exhausted and lonely and no one can touch that... not even I.
And here's where I get desperate--
Maybe I'm lazier than I ever imagined. I won't deny that the world is a beautiful place. But in my core, I am so lazy that I really don't believe it's worth the effort.
I still long for relief. I still want to "get out." I am still seduced by the idea of suicide.
And then it's just another day and I have to do some more things.
And one by one, the ties I clung to so intensely, the people I shared myself with so vulnerably, are proving to be completely separate entities, fully capable and often willing to drift away and off into the ether without another thought about it. I spun webs of silk. But none of it true... the strands dissolve. Relationships are meaningless.
In the end, it is only my mind and my body that define my reality. Everything outside the bounds of my existence does not exist. What false gods have I been worshipping? Why am I trying to train my mind to have communion with some new "Higher Power?" Why would I ever surrender myself to such fantastical projections as friendship, love, or security again?
The world does not exist beyond my skin, beyond the skins of my eyes. So, why bother engaging it?
I won't tonight. I'm going to skip my meeting and make spaghetti and meatballs and eat it in bed and watch TV while I eat. And then I'm going to go to sleep and try to convince myself that there's a reason, a REASON that I should get up tomorrow.
I'm sure I won't find a reason. The real tragedy is that I will get up anyway.
love,
h
It doesn't make sense, since my life is absolutely filled with people... so many people that I feel like I'm never calling half of my friends back or giving people the time they deserve, or making plans with the people I'd like to see.
But, it doesn't seem to make a difference.
And today, or this weekend rather, some things that have been brewing for some time have come to a head.
First and foremost, I had an embittered argument with my sponsor on Saturday night. She felt it was urgent for me to make a specific amends to Narc (that I'd rather not discuss here) and I took the first steps towards doing just that. I wasn't convinced, however, in my heart that this move was either necessary or fruitful. In fact, in my opinion, making that particular amends at this particular moment will only cause greater psychic pain for both me and Narc and will have absolutely no productive outcome.
I don't know if any of you read my blog this weekend, but Narc wrote me that email (that beautiful email that made me just want to hurl myself at his feet) and it seemed to push everything under some giant internal spotlight.
What my sponsor was asking me to do felt wrong, wrong, WRONG!
So, I told her I wasn't going to do it.
This caused the aforementioned argument on Saturday night. When we parted ways, I had agreed (again!) to try to take her direction. But back at my place, I knew (again!) that I didn't want to and that it felt wrong. I momentarily thought about lying to her and saying I had done it, just to smooth the whole thing out, but I don't want to destroy what has thus far been an honest relationship.
So, last night I sent two emails... the first to Narc, the second to Cherubino.
To Narc:
Hey Narc,
Thanks for this email. I really appreciate it. I want to say something more, but I'm not sure how to say it, so I'm just going to leave it at that and hope that you know what I mean... :)
In any case, I do still need to "clean up my side of the street," as they say. Of course it can wait until you are back from your trip. I hope that the trip is productive and that you have a lot of fun! Just let me know when you're back in town.
Lots of love,
Hyde
And to Cherubino I said something like:
I know you're not going to like this, but I have decided that I'm not going to make this particular amends to Narc... And I have made that decision based on the following facts--
(blah, blah, blah-- details I don't want to disclose on the blog)
...And as such, I am ethically comfortable with the fact that I am not emotionally willing to discuss this with him. Like I said, I know you're not going to be happy with this email. But that's where I'm at.
I'll see you tomorrow morning.
Love,
Hyde
I met Cherubino and Leseco and Leseco's sponsee for brunch this morning (near Prospect Park) and we didn't really discuss it. But Cherubino told me she read the email.
"And...?" I asked.
"And, I think we should go back to not talking about Narc anymore if you don't want to take my suggestions."
So, there it is. We now have a wedge between us. Since I'm not willing to move it, I guess it's just going to have to stay lodged there. And it sucks.
Moving on...
Brick cancelled plans on me YET AGAIN, although at this point it doesn't surprise me in the least. I still can't help feeling sad though. He disappoints me in general.
And then there was B...
My relationship with B is one that I feel I have never quite adequately captured on the blog. Perhaps because it was so intense so long ago... perhaps because the soul connection between us was forged before I was "Hyde"... I don't know. But in any case, he is the only person in the world that I have ever completely "let in." His friendship runs very deep within me and it is very important to me.
For the past three years or so, we have been on a slow path of separation. You may remember the tragedy of losing our "24-nights" together, hashed out in January 2006, or March 2005 when I stood on 6th street thinking "B is leaving me." He was. He is. And I've been feeling it more and more lately.
Our friendship, as of late, has felt something like this:
Hyde calls B and desperately wants a connection. So, she begins to talk-- about herself, her fears, her struggles... and she waits for a response.
"Um, ok." B says. He offers nothing more.
Hyde feels anxious. B sounds tense, as if he doesn't want to be "dumped on." Hyde hangs up the phone.
Every time we hang out I feel like I'm practically begging for his time. It's ridiculous. I know that I am his best friend. I know that he doesn't want to lose my friendship. But, it's as if he doesn't want to make the active "choice" to be there as a friend, to share things with me as a friend. I don't care if he listens to my problems or not. If he'd talk about himself, that would be okay too. I just want connection!
I know that he is struggling to reconcile our relationship (which has always been a "primary" relationship to him) with his upcoming marriage, but it really hurts to consistently try for that connection and get shut down. I can't do it anymore. I won't bother him if that's what he wants. He's going away? I'll go away too.
But I think that it's tragic.
So, I told him exactly how I feel. He acknowledged that "wall" and said that he's not sure what to do about it either. We agreed to do nothing until after his wedding and until after I deal with my medical issues at hand.
I can't imagine my life without him, though... my psyche without him. He has been my best friend for as long as I've been an adult. I met him when I was 17. But I guess I'm growing, because I'd rather lose the friendship than force it or be made to feel like a burden or be constantly hammering away at a wall, desperate for a connection. I've had enough of that with Narc to last me a lifetime. It's not an "honest" way to relate to someone.
The bottom line?
I'm exhausted and lonely and no one can touch that... not even I.
And here's where I get desperate--
Maybe I'm lazier than I ever imagined. I won't deny that the world is a beautiful place. But in my core, I am so lazy that I really don't believe it's worth the effort.
I still long for relief. I still want to "get out." I am still seduced by the idea of suicide.
And then it's just another day and I have to do some more things.
And one by one, the ties I clung to so intensely, the people I shared myself with so vulnerably, are proving to be completely separate entities, fully capable and often willing to drift away and off into the ether without another thought about it. I spun webs of silk. But none of it true... the strands dissolve. Relationships are meaningless.
In the end, it is only my mind and my body that define my reality. Everything outside the bounds of my existence does not exist. What false gods have I been worshipping? Why am I trying to train my mind to have communion with some new "Higher Power?" Why would I ever surrender myself to such fantastical projections as friendship, love, or security again?
The world does not exist beyond my skin, beyond the skins of my eyes. So, why bother engaging it?
I won't tonight. I'm going to skip my meeting and make spaghetti and meatballs and eat it in bed and watch TV while I eat. And then I'm going to go to sleep and try to convince myself that there's a reason, a REASON that I should get up tomorrow.
I'm sure I won't find a reason. The real tragedy is that I will get up anyway.
love,
h
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Are you as speechless as I am?
Hey, got your message, was running around all day yesterday and just catching up with a few things now. So you're on the 8th step eh? Making amends and all that...
Well we can certainly get a lunch or a coffee in at some point if really feel you have to talk through it all, but honestly Hyde, despite whatever you might be thinking, I absolutely can't imagine any amends that you might have to offer me... (I mean, if anything, I'm the one that's wronged you--and more than once--over the years...) But still, if you want to do it, sure, we can do it sometime in the near future--only thing is, however, that I'm off to LA for a bit in a few days, and will be crazily busy until then as I prepare for the trip, continue to set up meetings, and all the rest of it.
Perhaps we can rendezvous when I get back in about two weeks, though? At any rate, we'll figure something out, surely. Take care, talk soon--
Narc
Well we can certainly get a lunch or a coffee in at some point if really feel you have to talk through it all, but honestly Hyde, despite whatever you might be thinking, I absolutely can't imagine any amends that you might have to offer me... (I mean, if anything, I'm the one that's wronged you--and more than once--over the years...) But still, if you want to do it, sure, we can do it sometime in the near future--only thing is, however, that I'm off to LA for a bit in a few days, and will be crazily busy until then as I prepare for the trip, continue to set up meetings, and all the rest of it.
Perhaps we can rendezvous when I get back in about two weeks, though? At any rate, we'll figure something out, surely. Take care, talk soon--
Narc
Rounding the Bend
Ugh! Another very vivid dream last night. This one was pretty awful...a sex dream with Narc and he wouldn't kiss me. I barely slept.
Cherubino spent the night here last night. She crashed here after she faced Harry Potter mayhem, picking up her book in Union Square at midnight.
I had dinner with NDN last night-- sushi. (But he didn't feed it to me!). Strangely enough, I hadn't seen NDN since the Fourth of July!! We took a brief stroll around the neighborhood before coming back to my place. Then he took off for South Hampton.
In other news, I finally went to the library yesterday! I have been having trouble getting myself to tackle my school work. I feel very detached from all of that... unintegrated, incapable. But I went to the library to return overdue books and find a dissertation to write a review essay for my recent British History class.
I also had therapy yesterday. Unfortunately, he offered no practical solution to my seemingly mounting depression.
I polished my nails this morning and now they are catching in the keyboard (I'm typing on the laptop at a really bad angle, laying on my bed) and my nails got all fucked up. I think I'm too lazy to fix them.
I feel like things are at a serious shifting point these days. Will I have the courage to forge ahead?
love,
h
PS: I yelled at a cab driver yesterday. We were nearing my apartment and he said he wanted to drop me off an avenue over because of traffic. I couldn't believe it. "If you didn't want to deal with traffic, you shouldn't have become a NYC cab driver!" I said. Ugh...!
Cherubino spent the night here last night. She crashed here after she faced Harry Potter mayhem, picking up her book in Union Square at midnight.
I had dinner with NDN last night-- sushi. (But he didn't feed it to me!). Strangely enough, I hadn't seen NDN since the Fourth of July!! We took a brief stroll around the neighborhood before coming back to my place. Then he took off for South Hampton.
In other news, I finally went to the library yesterday! I have been having trouble getting myself to tackle my school work. I feel very detached from all of that... unintegrated, incapable. But I went to the library to return overdue books and find a dissertation to write a review essay for my recent British History class.
I also had therapy yesterday. Unfortunately, he offered no practical solution to my seemingly mounting depression.
I polished my nails this morning and now they are catching in the keyboard (I'm typing on the laptop at a really bad angle, laying on my bed) and my nails got all fucked up. I think I'm too lazy to fix them.
I feel like things are at a serious shifting point these days. Will I have the courage to forge ahead?
love,
h
PS: I yelled at a cab driver yesterday. We were nearing my apartment and he said he wanted to drop me off an avenue over because of traffic. I couldn't believe it. "If you didn't want to deal with traffic, you shouldn't have become a NYC cab driver!" I said. Ugh...!
Friday, July 20, 2007
Dream-o-Meter: Twilight
I had a very, very strange dream last night...Narc and I were at some sort of spa somewhere in New England. It was a small hotel on a lonely beach. Everything was twinkling and it was always twilight. We were staying in a room with three witches, though... they were more like three sirens. I was very stressed out by their presence. They were floating up and around us all the time and wanted to sleep in the bed with Narc and I had to sleep on the floor.
Then, in the morning (which was a twilight morning), we went out into the bay to fish for oysters. But when we got there, we found some kind of spongy rocks. I told Narc that those were the kind of rocks that opals come from. (I guess in my dream world, it was true.) Narc told me to go out a little further and to gather as many of those spongy-opal-rocks as I could. I was climbing out onto slippery gray jagged rocks to reach them. My feet were bleeding and the saltwater stung them and I remember being scared that blood in the water was going to attract fish to come and bite at my feet. Nevertheless, I gathered up as many of the rocks as I could.
We took the rocks in piles and sat on the beach. I remember pressing down onto one of the rocks and feeling its spongy surface giving under the weight of my fingers. It was a living creature.
"We need to shine these," Narc said.
We took up separate polishing stones and started to scrub away at the "opal sponges," sloughing off all the layers of living cells until they were dead and cold and hard in our hands and shining with brilliance. But we had killed the living sponges in order to do that.
We piled up the finished stones into a basket and later on in the day took them back to our room. Narc was sitting on the bed watching something on TV. I was stretched out on my stomach on the floor, still rubbing the stones. (I think in some way, my memory was referencing that day last August when I spent an hour polishing his glass chess piece that I broke, until my fingers nearly bled.)Anyway, the three sirens returned and wanted his attention, and were jealous that he was ignoring them. Finally, they floated out of the room. I climbed into bed with him and put my arms around his neck.
"I love you," I said.
He got uncomfortable.
"It still can't be like that," he said, wriggling out of my embrace. "I'm still getting back together with PopStar."
The next thing I remember in my dream is being back at my childhood home, standing in the driveway. NDN was with me. We were looking at the house across the street where the Wheeler Family lived.
"I know that they're selling drugs there now," I told him.
"Are you sure this is a good idea, Hyde?" he asked.
"Yes, I'm sure! I just want to buy some. I don't want to do any!"
Everything was hazy and the air was thick, but we crossed the street. We went into the living room. There were chairs set up in a circle. I remembered that when I was four or five I had been to a birthday party in that room-- the chairs were still set up for "musical chairs."
We walked upstairs into a bedroom and knocked on a closet door.
"I'm only going to buy a tiny bit!" I told NDN. "Really-- I just want to have it. I'm not going tot do it! I'm only going to spend $80.00. That's nothing!"
He just looked concerned.
So, I did. I don't remember who opened the door, but I bought a bag of coke.
Then, NDN and I were back in our building lobby. He was talking to the doorman. I walked ahead to the alcove where the mailboxes are and ducked in there. I did a few bumps off my hand. It felt great for about two seconds. Then I felt anxious.
Had I really just fucked up my sobriety? What would I tell my sponsor? Did I have to tell anyone? Could I pretend it didn't happen and just finish that ONE little bag?
I looked down at my watch. The hands were spinning out of control
Then I woke up.
I'm feeling blue today.
love,
h
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Ka-BooM!
There's an explosion outside... not far from my house. They're saying it's not terrorism though. They're saying it was a steam pipe explosion or something. But people are swarming the streets outside my window (even though it happened several avenues away) and the sirens are non-stop. It's not going to be that easy to meet Anxious tonight after all!
love,
h
love,
h
In the Shadow
This has been a decidedly strange week. I had a lot of psychic energy leading up to my visit to the doctor on Monday. I think that afterwards I didn't quite know what to do with myself.
I finally turned in all of my grades yesterday, so summer teaching is officially over as well. And that leaves me...
here.
I have always been terrible at self-structuring, I am a little afraid of the next few weeks. I have a lot to deal with in terms of setting things up for myself for the coming semester in terms of my own coursework. I also may have a surgery scheduled with a fairly long recovery period and that would make it difficult to teach the three classes in one day, as I currently have arranged for my fall teaching schedule. So, it is all getting me a little stressed out.
As a result? I napped today. I napped for a really, really long time.
I have plans to hang out with Anxious again this evening... things really seem to be finally healing between the two of us, after years and years of feeling some hostility and tension embedded deep within the friendship. So, I guess that's something to be grateful for.
Other than that, everything is fine... Fine, but not fine. I miss Narc again but am trying not to be an idiot about all that and to hold my tongue. I know he's going to LA next week, though, so it may be quite a while before I hear from him again. I am so tangled and confused on all that, I don't even know what I want anymore.
All I know is that Monday night's cry was long in the making, and in a way, I feel like the past two days have been spent in its shadow, regrouping.
Not much more to say right now, so I'll leave it at that. Feeling drained. Just waiting for the next "thing" to happen now.
Hope you are all well out there.
love,
h
I finally turned in all of my grades yesterday, so summer teaching is officially over as well. And that leaves me...
here.
I have always been terrible at self-structuring, I am a little afraid of the next few weeks. I have a lot to deal with in terms of setting things up for myself for the coming semester in terms of my own coursework. I also may have a surgery scheduled with a fairly long recovery period and that would make it difficult to teach the three classes in one day, as I currently have arranged for my fall teaching schedule. So, it is all getting me a little stressed out.
As a result? I napped today. I napped for a really, really long time.
I have plans to hang out with Anxious again this evening... things really seem to be finally healing between the two of us, after years and years of feeling some hostility and tension embedded deep within the friendship. So, I guess that's something to be grateful for.
Other than that, everything is fine... Fine, but not fine. I miss Narc again but am trying not to be an idiot about all that and to hold my tongue. I know he's going to LA next week, though, so it may be quite a while before I hear from him again. I am so tangled and confused on all that, I don't even know what I want anymore.
All I know is that Monday night's cry was long in the making, and in a way, I feel like the past two days have been spent in its shadow, regrouping.
Not much more to say right now, so I'll leave it at that. Feeling drained. Just waiting for the next "thing" to happen now.
Hope you are all well out there.
love,
h
Monday, July 16, 2007
The Scream
I just had a good cry... a cry like I haven't had in a really long time. My eyes are stinging and there are lakes of gray... pooling mascara on fiery cheeks.
I feel like I'm going to scream, but I don't. Because in the end, there's no point in screaming. It won't change a thing. I can't talk about what's going on right now... can't talk about any of it. But all of it-- every part of my life is a wreck and it's not getting any better and if it gets any worse, I can't live another day of this. Not another day.
I'm not going to do it anymore.
PS: I was uptown at a hospital today with my mom and afterwards we went into a random pub for lunch and guess who was working there? IrishBird. Strange...
I feel like I'm going to scream, but I don't. Because in the end, there's no point in screaming. It won't change a thing. I can't talk about what's going on right now... can't talk about any of it. But all of it-- every part of my life is a wreck and it's not getting any better and if it gets any worse, I can't live another day of this. Not another day.
I'm not going to do it anymore.
PS: I was uptown at a hospital today with my mom and afterwards we went into a random pub for lunch and guess who was working there? IrishBird. Strange...
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Judgement at Nuremberg
The end result? I skipped out on NDN's dinner, didn't see Narc and put off the date with TT until tomorrow. Instead of all that, I had a cozy night by myself watching Judgement at Nuremberg. I've wanted to see that movie for a long time, and finally got myself to sit down and watch it.
I was blown away. Absolutely blown away.
I can't think of a better way to have spent my evening.
Feeling a little bit better now. Thinking of things much bigger than myself.
love,
h
I was blown away. Absolutely blown away.
I can't think of a better way to have spent my evening.
Feeling a little bit better now. Thinking of things much bigger than myself.
love,
h
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Family, Harry Potter, and Narc Masturbation
So, VJ wants me to post about Anxious... Unfortunately, I don't have anything too entertaining to say on the subject. The last few times we hung out we've gotten along. We both seemed to have calmed down from the days of our fever-pitched fights and I even mentioned to B that I felt a little guilty for giving her the blog name "Anxious."
We went to MoMA on Wednesday and I bought a fire-engine red lipstick at Sephora afterwards. On Thursday I went to check on Hammer's birds and then out to Long Island. My mom's secretary picked me up at the train station. My mom and I had an appointment to go for a fitting-- our dresses finally came in for LilSis' wedding next month.
I was nervous about the fitting because I have gained a bit of weight since I was first measured for the dress back in October (a fact which has been gnawing at my self esteem without relief!). I didn't want the seamstress to yell at me or to make a fuss or to be insensitive about it.
"You just keep quiet," my mom told me when I shared my anxiety. "I'll represent you to the dress-lady, okay? I'll be your lawyer. Don't worry about it."
My mom is so sweet sometimes.
The dress fitting went much better than expected in terms of my size-- I fit into the dress just fine with a few minor adjustments. The bigger problem was that they had made it up in navy instead of black! My mom's dress is super sexy and bright red and nearly backless. She had no idea how low the back was because the sample size was too small for her to try on. I hate the way samples only come in the smallest sizes! They are now going to have to see about adding some panels so that she isn't hanging out of the dress!
Afterwards I had dinner with my mom, my stepdad, my stepbrother and JBC. We played Jeopardy while we ate. Watching Jeopardy with my family at dinner time is one of my greatest pleasures-- one of the truest feelings of "home" that I have. It rarely happens anymore.
On Friday, I took an early train back to the city and met up with one of Hammer's friends to hand her keys off to him. He is taking over bird-duty for the next little while. Later on in the afternoon I went to therapy and then met BigSis for a late lunch at the California Pizza Kitchen.
I was shaken coming out of therapy (having just cried over all things Narc, having also convinced myself, for some reason, that the reason he doesn't want to be with me is because of my weight gain) and so perhaps I was a little too "vulnerable" meeting my sister. She is also a therapist and got me to open up to her, disclosing more than I am usually comfortable with, about my inner emotional life and my low self-esteem when it comes to men.
As we were talking, I saw two women staring at us from across the restaurant. Upon closer look, I knew exactly who they were-- JWise and TWise. Let me explain-- one of my first boyfriends ever, "MWise" was a boy I dated for a few weeks in high school. I only got together with him because BigSis and our best friend, Amac were going out with two of his friends. I wasn't really interested in him at all though, and was rather weird and awkward about the whole thing. He used to call me all the time during dinner and I never wanted to take his calls. BigSis thought he was a nice guy and used to feel bad for him.
"If you like him so much, why don't you talk to him?!?" I would tell her.
So, she did. And over time, they became best friends and then they ended up becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. They dated for all of senior year. It was BigSis' first love (and only other love, besides Bro-in-Law as far as I know). They broke up freshman year of college, pretty early on.
A few years later, I was looking for my first teaching job, randomly answering ads in the NY Times, when I got an interview at a school where MWise's mom was a math teacher. His friend Matt's dad was the principal of the school! They hired me and the Wise family seemed to have reappeared in our lives, although MWise had since moved to Boston and we never saw him again.
Anyway, that was in 2001. I only taught at that school for a year because I left to do my Master's. It was the mom and sister in the family who spotted us at the California Pizza Kitchen, so of course we had to go over and say hello.
On Friday night I went over to hang out with StarGazer. She is interviewing potential roommates and feels awkward telling them that it's a drug and alcohol free apartment and so she needed some emotional support. Cherubino ended up meeting us and we stayed in, played with StarGazer's two cats, ate Chinese food and watched the first Harry Potter movie. Cherubino is intent on catching me up on Harry Potter!
Cherubino crashed on my couch last night and then this morning we went to a women's meeting together where StarGazer was giving her first qualification. I went for brunch with the ladies afterwards and then came home for some downtime. I'm still in the process of typing up old journals on "the Ghosts of Hyde" but have gotten stuck because of the extensive journaling I did while in Russia in 1998. I finally got through transcribing June and July of that year.
I was just wrapping up when two things happened...
TT texted and asked me on a date for "sometime this weekend." I said "yes" (maybe only because I saw him on a date with that other girl? Who knows!) and then an IM popped up from Narc. I wouldn't even have been logged on, if I hadn't been talking to Hammer a few hours earlier.
In any event, I was shocked to hear from Narc because ever since that "I thought it was weird too" text he sent me last Saturday, he disappeared. I texted him on Monday and he never wrote back. Again, perhaps because I'm feeling peculiarly insecure and crazy, I am stuck on the issue of my weight right now and was sure that was why he stopped calling me. I felt rejected.
("You rejected HIM, Hyde" Hammer told me. "Oh yeah...")
Anyway, here is a transcript of our conversation:
Narc: (5:04:36 PM): Hey you
Narc: (5:04:59 PM): (poke poke)
Hyde: (5:07:24 PM): What's up?
Narc: (5:07:41 PM): Oh, nothing much...
Hyde: (5:07:59 PM): I just watched "the fly" it was absolutely awful.
Narc: (5:08:06 PM): Was just thinking about masturbating, actually...
Narc: (5:08:10 PM): If you care to join...
Narc: (5:08:16 PM): (evil grin)
Narc: (5:09:09 PM): Of course, if you're not alone...
Hyde: (5:09:26 PM): You catch me off guard.
Narc: (5:09:39 PM): Oh?
Hyde: (5:09:47 PM): I just didn't expect you to say that...
Narc: (5:09:55 PM): Ah, life is full of surprises...
Hyde: (5:10:02 PM): ha ha...
Hyde: (5:10:04 PM): on the phone?
Narc: (5:10:11 PM): I wanted you to watch me, actually
Hyde: (5:10:41 PM): ok. I'll have to go to my other computer then. I'm on the laptop and i only have the video chat on the desktop...
Narc: (5:10:56 PM): Ok, will wait while you switch
As if I have to tell you... I switched. I stripped. He put his dick in my face. And I ended up video-masturbating with him.
GROSS.
Which begs the question, WHY DO I HAVE SUCH LOW SELF-ESTEEM???
Afterwards we talked for a while. He told me he had just woken up and had been partying for the past 36 hours with James. He also told me that he's heading to LA from July 25-31 or something like that. He asked what I was up to later.
"Maybe dinner with NDN and Co," I said (NDN is planning some Korean BBQ) "or maybe a date," I'm not sure.
"A group date? Or alone?" he asked, never betraying himself with his expression.
"Alone," I said. "But I'm not sure if I want to go."
What was I trying to stir up???
He told me that PopStar had been by but still hadn't gotten all of her stuff out.
"Yeah, it was weird to see the apartment not look like yours," I said.
He didn't seem to like that comment.
"It was just a few paintings and extra pillows on the couch!" he insisted.
"And her stuff in the bathroom... and different sheets."
"ONE extra sheet," he said. "And two pillowcases."
"I noticed," I told him. "They were edged differently."
He didn't really say anything.
Then he said he had to get out of the house. I told him to take a walk. He said he would call me in 90 minutes to see if I wanted to hang out after my "other" evening plans.
"I'm not sure what I want to do this evening," I told him. "But yeah, let's check in later."
Anyway, I have to go take a shower now. I don't even know what else to say about all this... Except that I'm a fucking moron. The sad thing? I really don't think I deserve any better. And that's the heart of the matter. It's finally becoming clear to me.
love,
h
We went to MoMA on Wednesday and I bought a fire-engine red lipstick at Sephora afterwards. On Thursday I went to check on Hammer's birds and then out to Long Island. My mom's secretary picked me up at the train station. My mom and I had an appointment to go for a fitting-- our dresses finally came in for LilSis' wedding next month.
I was nervous about the fitting because I have gained a bit of weight since I was first measured for the dress back in October (a fact which has been gnawing at my self esteem without relief!). I didn't want the seamstress to yell at me or to make a fuss or to be insensitive about it.
"You just keep quiet," my mom told me when I shared my anxiety. "I'll represent you to the dress-lady, okay? I'll be your lawyer. Don't worry about it."
My mom is so sweet sometimes.
The dress fitting went much better than expected in terms of my size-- I fit into the dress just fine with a few minor adjustments. The bigger problem was that they had made it up in navy instead of black! My mom's dress is super sexy and bright red and nearly backless. She had no idea how low the back was because the sample size was too small for her to try on. I hate the way samples only come in the smallest sizes! They are now going to have to see about adding some panels so that she isn't hanging out of the dress!
Afterwards I had dinner with my mom, my stepdad, my stepbrother and JBC. We played Jeopardy while we ate. Watching Jeopardy with my family at dinner time is one of my greatest pleasures-- one of the truest feelings of "home" that I have. It rarely happens anymore.
On Friday, I took an early train back to the city and met up with one of Hammer's friends to hand her keys off to him. He is taking over bird-duty for the next little while. Later on in the afternoon I went to therapy and then met BigSis for a late lunch at the California Pizza Kitchen.
I was shaken coming out of therapy (having just cried over all things Narc, having also convinced myself, for some reason, that the reason he doesn't want to be with me is because of my weight gain) and so perhaps I was a little too "vulnerable" meeting my sister. She is also a therapist and got me to open up to her, disclosing more than I am usually comfortable with, about my inner emotional life and my low self-esteem when it comes to men.
As we were talking, I saw two women staring at us from across the restaurant. Upon closer look, I knew exactly who they were-- JWise and TWise. Let me explain-- one of my first boyfriends ever, "MWise" was a boy I dated for a few weeks in high school. I only got together with him because BigSis and our best friend, Amac were going out with two of his friends. I wasn't really interested in him at all though, and was rather weird and awkward about the whole thing. He used to call me all the time during dinner and I never wanted to take his calls. BigSis thought he was a nice guy and used to feel bad for him.
"If you like him so much, why don't you talk to him?!?" I would tell her.
So, she did. And over time, they became best friends and then they ended up becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. They dated for all of senior year. It was BigSis' first love (and only other love, besides Bro-in-Law as far as I know). They broke up freshman year of college, pretty early on.
A few years later, I was looking for my first teaching job, randomly answering ads in the NY Times, when I got an interview at a school where MWise's mom was a math teacher. His friend Matt's dad was the principal of the school! They hired me and the Wise family seemed to have reappeared in our lives, although MWise had since moved to Boston and we never saw him again.
Anyway, that was in 2001. I only taught at that school for a year because I left to do my Master's. It was the mom and sister in the family who spotted us at the California Pizza Kitchen, so of course we had to go over and say hello.
On Friday night I went over to hang out with StarGazer. She is interviewing potential roommates and feels awkward telling them that it's a drug and alcohol free apartment and so she needed some emotional support. Cherubino ended up meeting us and we stayed in, played with StarGazer's two cats, ate Chinese food and watched the first Harry Potter movie. Cherubino is intent on catching me up on Harry Potter!
Cherubino crashed on my couch last night and then this morning we went to a women's meeting together where StarGazer was giving her first qualification. I went for brunch with the ladies afterwards and then came home for some downtime. I'm still in the process of typing up old journals on "the Ghosts of Hyde" but have gotten stuck because of the extensive journaling I did while in Russia in 1998. I finally got through transcribing June and July of that year.
I was just wrapping up when two things happened...
TT texted and asked me on a date for "sometime this weekend." I said "yes" (maybe only because I saw him on a date with that other girl? Who knows!) and then an IM popped up from Narc. I wouldn't even have been logged on, if I hadn't been talking to Hammer a few hours earlier.
In any event, I was shocked to hear from Narc because ever since that "I thought it was weird too" text he sent me last Saturday, he disappeared. I texted him on Monday and he never wrote back. Again, perhaps because I'm feeling peculiarly insecure and crazy, I am stuck on the issue of my weight right now and was sure that was why he stopped calling me. I felt rejected.
("You rejected HIM, Hyde" Hammer told me. "Oh yeah...")
Anyway, here is a transcript of our conversation:
Narc: (5:04:36 PM): Hey you
Narc: (5:04:59 PM): (poke poke)
Hyde: (5:07:24 PM): What's up?
Narc: (5:07:41 PM): Oh, nothing much...
Hyde: (5:07:59 PM): I just watched "the fly" it was absolutely awful.
Narc: (5:08:06 PM): Was just thinking about masturbating, actually...
Narc: (5:08:10 PM): If you care to join...
Narc: (5:08:16 PM): (evil grin)
Narc: (5:09:09 PM): Of course, if you're not alone...
Hyde: (5:09:26 PM): You catch me off guard.
Narc: (5:09:39 PM): Oh?
Hyde: (5:09:47 PM): I just didn't expect you to say that...
Narc: (5:09:55 PM): Ah, life is full of surprises...
Hyde: (5:10:02 PM): ha ha...
Hyde: (5:10:04 PM): on the phone?
Narc: (5:10:11 PM): I wanted you to watch me, actually
Hyde: (5:10:41 PM): ok. I'll have to go to my other computer then. I'm on the laptop and i only have the video chat on the desktop...
Narc: (5:10:56 PM): Ok, will wait while you switch
As if I have to tell you... I switched. I stripped. He put his dick in my face. And I ended up video-masturbating with him.
GROSS.
Which begs the question, WHY DO I HAVE SUCH LOW SELF-ESTEEM???
Afterwards we talked for a while. He told me he had just woken up and had been partying for the past 36 hours with James. He also told me that he's heading to LA from July 25-31 or something like that. He asked what I was up to later.
"Maybe dinner with NDN and Co," I said (NDN is planning some Korean BBQ) "or maybe a date," I'm not sure.
"A group date? Or alone?" he asked, never betraying himself with his expression.
"Alone," I said. "But I'm not sure if I want to go."
What was I trying to stir up???
He told me that PopStar had been by but still hadn't gotten all of her stuff out.
"Yeah, it was weird to see the apartment not look like yours," I said.
He didn't seem to like that comment.
"It was just a few paintings and extra pillows on the couch!" he insisted.
"And her stuff in the bathroom... and different sheets."
"ONE extra sheet," he said. "And two pillowcases."
"I noticed," I told him. "They were edged differently."
He didn't really say anything.
Then he said he had to get out of the house. I told him to take a walk. He said he would call me in 90 minutes to see if I wanted to hang out after my "other" evening plans.
"I'm not sure what I want to do this evening," I told him. "But yeah, let's check in later."
Anyway, I have to go take a shower now. I don't even know what else to say about all this... Except that I'm a fucking moron. The sad thing? I really don't think I deserve any better. And that's the heart of the matter. It's finally becoming clear to me.
love,
h
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Homesick
Furtively she looked across at the stranger. He was striking a match: for an instant his beard was lit up, and one eye. And even this trivial act seemed remarkable; she felt the solidity of it, felt how naturally one thing linked with the next and was merely there, insensate and calm and yet like a simple and tremendous power, stone interlocked with stone. She reflected that he was certainly quite an ordinary person. And at that she had again a faint, elusive, intangible sense of her own existence; she felt herself floating in the dark before him, dissolved and tattered, like pale, frothing foam, and felt an odd stimulus in answering him agreeably. And even while speaking she watched herself and what she was doing, helpless, unmoved in spirit, and yet with an enjoyment that was divided between pleasure and torment, which made her feel as though she were crouching in the innermost depths of some great and ever expanding exhaustion.
-Robert Musil, "The Perfecting of a Love"
*******************************************
I'm not quite feeling suicidal anymore this morning, but still strange. Meeting Narc on Friday night really shook me up. It feels like it was a desperate homecoming, long awaited on my part, but when I got to his place, "home" was no longer there.
I used to love "Hyde and Narc" and forgive him every slight, every insult, every abuse, because we were together in our depravity. I used to say "blackouts" are God's gift to the alcoholic. (I now, realize, by the way, how sick that was.) But I really believed that...
Narc is a "macro" person in his relation to the universe and I am a "micro" person. He pans out and feels disconnected, above and separate from it all, an alien watching people, watching love pass him by. I bore in on things and become obsessed, extrapolate infinities of fabricated meanings from mundane relationships, convince myself of love in an amicable conversation. I can live an entire life in one word uttered by his lips. (Then Hammer met him and said "huh? He's just a guy with a red beard!")
But we were tied together in a way, and I "bore in" on him. I honestly always felt with him no matter the abuse. I was with him and that's all that I cared about. I felt high with him-- heightened, tense, aware, elevated, nervous, purposeful, dutiful, filled with spiritual love and enveloped in "drama." I wanted that back. I wanted that connection back. I wanted that high back. I've been four months without it and all I wanted was for that world to come back. Narc and I in a little bubble, existing outside of time and space. Time doesn't matter in his apartment. You can wake up at 5:00 PM if you want, you can stay in the house for days and then go out on a 2 day bender. You don't have to return phone calls or keep appointments. It's sex, booze, takeout, TV and videogames around the clock. I wanted back in to that bubble. (When I was feeling self-indulgent, I'd think of us as Paul Newman and Piper Laurie in "The Hustler.")
And then he opened the door on Friday night and I knew that it wasn't there anymore. Narc was depressed and awkward and in a bubble of his own. I was depressed and awkward and in a bubble of my own. Those bubbles would not merge. That's what hurt so much about being there. And even intimacy didn't help. Even in swallowing him, I couldn't metaphysically ingest him. I used to be able to "ingest" him from just a look! It hurt to be there.
I'm angry at him right now. I'm angry at him because he ruined things. He ruined things for PopStar, who was clearly just using him from the start. He ruined things and then peeked up from the ruin, invited me down there, and double-checked to see if he had really done the job right.
And I can do nothing about it.
But I feel cast out from my home. I feel cast out from the spiritual home I had made for myself. I feel divided from myself, leveled, full of self-loathing. And what am I left with?
Reality.
God-damned reality.
I've never been a fan of reality, but here it is in all it's awful detail. There are things to do... papers to grade, phone calls to be made. The heat makes me aware of my physical self in a way that I've always tried to annihilate.
I can't tolerate being present like this with no recourse. And that's when suicide seems logical. I won't kill myself. But there's the needling thought and I hate it. I feel so ungrateful when I think it. I don't want to kill myself. I just don't know how to do this.
I just don't know how to do this.
But today I'm going to go check on Hammer's birds and then meet Anxious at the museum and for dinner. It is what it is what it is.
love,
h
*******************************************
PS: In October of 2004 I wrote a poem... something to do with whiskey and "Kirchner" boots. Part of it went something like this--
Seven years of a speech in a circle,
The bruises lifted from my mind
To my face.
Sobriety: They are off my face and back in my brain.
-Robert Musil, "The Perfecting of a Love"
*******************************************
I'm not quite feeling suicidal anymore this morning, but still strange. Meeting Narc on Friday night really shook me up. It feels like it was a desperate homecoming, long awaited on my part, but when I got to his place, "home" was no longer there.
I used to love "Hyde and Narc" and forgive him every slight, every insult, every abuse, because we were together in our depravity. I used to say "blackouts" are God's gift to the alcoholic. (I now, realize, by the way, how sick that was.) But I really believed that...
Narc is a "macro" person in his relation to the universe and I am a "micro" person. He pans out and feels disconnected, above and separate from it all, an alien watching people, watching love pass him by. I bore in on things and become obsessed, extrapolate infinities of fabricated meanings from mundane relationships, convince myself of love in an amicable conversation. I can live an entire life in one word uttered by his lips. (Then Hammer met him and said "huh? He's just a guy with a red beard!")
But we were tied together in a way, and I "bore in" on him. I honestly always felt with him no matter the abuse. I was with him and that's all that I cared about. I felt high with him-- heightened, tense, aware, elevated, nervous, purposeful, dutiful, filled with spiritual love and enveloped in "drama." I wanted that back. I wanted that connection back. I wanted that high back. I've been four months without it and all I wanted was for that world to come back. Narc and I in a little bubble, existing outside of time and space. Time doesn't matter in his apartment. You can wake up at 5:00 PM if you want, you can stay in the house for days and then go out on a 2 day bender. You don't have to return phone calls or keep appointments. It's sex, booze, takeout, TV and videogames around the clock. I wanted back in to that bubble. (When I was feeling self-indulgent, I'd think of us as Paul Newman and Piper Laurie in "The Hustler.")
And then he opened the door on Friday night and I knew that it wasn't there anymore. Narc was depressed and awkward and in a bubble of his own. I was depressed and awkward and in a bubble of my own. Those bubbles would not merge. That's what hurt so much about being there. And even intimacy didn't help. Even in swallowing him, I couldn't metaphysically ingest him. I used to be able to "ingest" him from just a look! It hurt to be there.
I'm angry at him right now. I'm angry at him because he ruined things. He ruined things for PopStar, who was clearly just using him from the start. He ruined things and then peeked up from the ruin, invited me down there, and double-checked to see if he had really done the job right.
And I can do nothing about it.
But I feel cast out from my home. I feel cast out from the spiritual home I had made for myself. I feel divided from myself, leveled, full of self-loathing. And what am I left with?
Reality.
God-damned reality.
I've never been a fan of reality, but here it is in all it's awful detail. There are things to do... papers to grade, phone calls to be made. The heat makes me aware of my physical self in a way that I've always tried to annihilate.
I can't tolerate being present like this with no recourse. And that's when suicide seems logical. I won't kill myself. But there's the needling thought and I hate it. I feel so ungrateful when I think it. I don't want to kill myself. I just don't know how to do this.
I just don't know how to do this.
But today I'm going to go check on Hammer's birds and then meet Anxious at the museum and for dinner. It is what it is what it is.
love,
h
*******************************************
PS: In October of 2004 I wrote a poem... something to do with whiskey and "Kirchner" boots. Part of it went something like this--
Seven years of a speech in a circle,
The bruises lifted from my mind
To my face.
Sobriety: They are off my face and back in my brain.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Opting Out
I am feeling very sad, very trapped and very frustrated. Maybe it's the extreme heat. But I feel suicidal and think suicidal and then I hate myself for it. But, there it is... It's strange that suicide can literally end someone's world and yet it's just another simple decision.
I don't know... I have the feeling I shouldn't be blogging right now. I'm gonna watch TV instead and maybe it'll be tomorrow soon. Maybe this air will pass and I won't feel suicidal anymore.
Sobriety is more complicated than I ever imagined. And it limits the ways in which I might "opt out." In some ways, it keeps me close to health, but in other ways, it pushes the "escapist" in me to more extreme ideas.
love,
h
I don't know... I have the feeling I shouldn't be blogging right now. I'm gonna watch TV instead and maybe it'll be tomorrow soon. Maybe this air will pass and I won't feel suicidal anymore.
Sobriety is more complicated than I ever imagined. And it limits the ways in which I might "opt out." In some ways, it keeps me close to health, but in other ways, it pushes the "escapist" in me to more extreme ideas.
love,
h
Monday, July 9, 2007
Life Goes On...
Life has gone on since that last post, but it a funny sort of way...
Hammer left for Paris today.
I'm giving a final exam tomorrow.
Oh-- and I need some new blogs to read... any suggestions?
love,
h
Hammer left for Paris today.
I'm giving a final exam tomorrow.
Oh-- and I need some new blogs to read... any suggestions?
love,
h
Saturday, July 7, 2007
"To Thine Own Self Be True"
It's only now sinking in... the change, that is.
I spent the entire day today with my sponsor, working on my 8th step... Technically, I'm on "9" now, but I still need to do a little writing before I start making amends. We listened to Elvis songs and ordered in diner food and took a walk to get Dunkin' Donuts iced coffee. As the evening approached, we watched Hilary and Jackie. I thought it was brilliant.
But now it's dark. My chest feels tight. She has gone home and I feel desperate. I feel alone. Something in me wants to break a window... to stab myself in the chest with a piece of glass. But that's just one thought. I have too much inertia to do anything other than type this post. And besides, I really don't want to stab myself in the chest, after all.
Well... let's get down to it.
Yesterday I overslept, as I had been up the previous night pacing my apartment, eating ice pops with Brick and grappling with Narc. I was supposed to meet Hammer and her parents at MoMA. Her aunt was in town as well... the infamous "All of Me" aunt. I got there an hour late and found them on the 5th floor. I took a cell phone pic of Hammer in front of "Yves Klein Blue." After the museum we walked around the design shop and then headed to Ben Ash for lunch. Hammer's mom drew a picture of a dress on a napkin. She just bought her dress for Lil'Hammer's wedding.
After lunch, Hammer and I parted ways from her family and walked down towards our school. We paused on 47th street where I tried on ruby rings. Then Hammer headed to school and I went to Pinkberry. That was it for the afternoon.
Later that night, StarGazer called me.
"Wanna go to Lasagna for dinner?" she asked.
"Sure."
And then I got a text from Narc.
With a few friends, still. Will give a call in a bit.
I got dressed to meet StarGazer and misplaced my phone somewhere in my bedroom. I had to leave the apartment without it, which made me anxious for obvious reasons. But dinner was nice.
"How was your day?" I asked her.
"Well, work is getting better," she said, "now that I'm happy."
It was strange to hear her say she was "happy." It gave me pause. Am I happy? As I sat there at the dinner table last night, I had to admit that I am. (Am I? I am.)
After dinner, she left for a meeting at the 79th street workshop. I headed home. I found my phone in my pajama drawer. Narc hadn't called. So, I called Hammer. Her parents were still out. She told me what her friend CurlyQ is up to. Hammer and I like to talk about CurlyQ's dating life.
At around 11:00, when I still hadn't heard from Narc, I decided to send him a text. The days of waiting around for him all night have come to an end.
Just back home, I said. Have to be up by 9:00 tomorrow, so going to bed by 1:00 AM. Just letting you know...
He called me not a moment later.
"Yeah, I was just wrapping up with Laurie and her friend," he said.
To tell you the truth, I don't remember exactly how this conversation went-- only a few of the things that were said.
Narc told me that he wants to get his life in order.
"I've been on replay... repeat for the past six years," he said. "I'm thinking about cutting out booze altogether."
I was surprised he brought that up to me.
"I have no regrets about it," I said.
"Yeah, but then I think-- can I really cut it out forever? I mean-- maybe that's a little extreme. I'm fine for the most part. I just have to avoid those crazy nights out with James."
"I can't think in terms of forever," I told him. "Just one day. That's it. 'Forever' scares me. I just recommit myself each morning to the things I do to bring my life to where I want it to go. And I thought I couldn't survive without alcohol, but I'm happy now," I said, thinking of my earlier conversation with StarGazer. "I don't drink, I don't have a boyfriend, I've put on a ton of weight and I am still sitting on my incompletes, but life is finally moving and I'm happier than I've ever been."
"I want to be too," he said.
I told him that my "diet" is the next thing on project-status for me.
"You can't try to do it all at once, Narc."
Anyway, the conversation went a lot of places from there. But neither of us said anything about getting together. He was sober, so of course things were awkward. I had to do the dirty work.
"So..." I began. "Do you want to get together tonight, or what?"
"Um..." his voice was a little flat. "Do you think that's a good idea, Hyde?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, what you were saying last night. I don't want to fuck with your head, you know."
I felt soft... affectionate. It was okay.
"I think I'm the only one who can fuck with my head, Narc!" I laughed.
"How so?"
"It all depends on how I take it all in, right?"
"I don't think so," he countered. "Plenty of people have fucked with my head in the past."
Oh yeah... I forgot he hasn't done a Fourth Step.
"I don't know," I said. "But I do know that I don't want to get into this right now. I just can't stomach a heavy conversation right now."
"Me neither!"
He seemed hugely relieved. Then there was silence.
"So...?" I said again. "Should I come?"
Somehow I still couldn't choose. I like him to tell me what to do. I wanted him to make the decision for us.
He paused again.
"Yeah. Come down." His voice was low and decisive. I liked it.
"Okay," I said, breathlessly sweeping things into a bag. "Give me 20 minutes to get out of here."
My heart was pounding. POUNDING, POUNDING, POUNDING. I hadn't seen him since February 26th. I had put on weight. Would he say anything about that? Why did I care? I've never felt insecure about my body around him before. Why did it suddenly seem to be a pressing issue. I needed to see him. I needed to see him to put a lot of fears to rest.
I can't explain how or why and I know it makes no sense at all, but I knew that going there was the right thing to do.
I got into a cab. The phone rang. It was Pixie-- a friend of mine in AA who just got her six months. She was having a rough day. It was good to talk to her. It took my mind off of myself and what I was doing.
And then I was in Tribeca. My heart was still pounding... harder than ever now. I felt dizzy as I approached his building. The number on the awning seemed extra large to me.
I pushed open the heavy glass door. The doorman seemed surprised to see me.
"How have you been?" he asked. "How's the teaching going?"
"Um, fine," I said. I laughed as if I were comfortable. But my fear was mounting.
And then I was in the elevator. The air was thick with the smell of Narc's building... that peculiar and particular smell. I was disoriented when the elevator door opened. For a moment I didn't know which way to turn.
And then I was in front of his door. Part of me wanted to turn back, but I was determined to walk through this. So, I raised my fist and knocked.
He answered the door in boxers and a t-shirt.
"Oh, hey," he said, when he greeted me-- as if it were the most casual meeting in the world.
His body looked slimmer but his face looked fuller. It was weird. And he had on new glasses... greenish rimmed "Prada" glasses. He walked towards the couch. I scanned the room to take in the changes.
He had one of those black ladder bookshelves leaning up against the wall and a few humongous paintings on the wall, presumably done by PopStar's dad who is a fairly accomplished artist in Russia. There was a big cardboard box near the back end of the living room.
"She's still in the process of getting her stuff out," he offered.
"New shelves, new paintings, new pillows," I said, plopping down on the couch, and grabbing a few pillows around me for comfort.
Narc was watching Family Guy.
"Yeah," he said.
And then we just both started watching the TV. And I felt instantly at ease. We chatted and laughed and I realized that I missed him... really him... the real him and not the crazy fantasy scripted him (although I've obviously missed that man too.) I just genuinely missed my friend. ("Friend?")
Narc wanted to stretch out. He wanted to put his feet up, but there was no room unless he put his legs up on my lap, as he used to do. Neither of us had touched the other. He was positioned awkwardly half off the couch. I shifted to make it easier for him to put his feet on me. He took the cue and did. I was grateful for the contact. I put my hand around his ankle. It felt so familiar. So good.
So, we sat like that for a while-- talking, watching TV while I rubbed his legs. Then he got up.
"It's time for you to go to bed," he said. " You need to be up early in the morning."
"Oh... okay."
I wasn't tired and I was very nervous, but I followed him into the bedroom. Nothing had happened... no real touching, no kissing, nothing... so I wasn't sure what the protocol was. If clothes were going to come off, I had imagined it would have been in the "heat of the moment."
But he closed the blinds and started to strip down. I stood there watching him... and the underwear... were off! He got into bed, but left the lights on and didn't pull the covers up. I felt awkward and didn't want to be naked in front of him... not like that, at least. But I did it. I took off my clothes... all of them... and got into bed next to him.
It was so fucking weird.
This whole scene was SO FUCKING WEIRD.
I wasn't sure what to do, so I just sort of snuggled up next to him and buried my face in his chest. He put his arm around me and caressed me a little bit. But none of it felt right. So... I did what I do when I don't know what to do... I moved down to give him a blow job. He pushed my head down. So, it seemed like I had made the right move.
I know he likes what I do in that department and he seemed to really appreciate it. I felt almost scared though. I don't even know what I was feeling. It wasn't long before he came in my mouth and that was even stranger. I don't mean to be gross and to go into too many details, but given that this is my blog and I was very confused, I'm just going to write about it. Something about having him inside me and inside my belly again was painful for me. I felt like my heart would break. But at the same time, it was a distant heartbreak-- one with no target. I felt so far removed from everyone and everything and even myself.
"I really needed that," he said. "God, I missed that."
And he seemed to be done. He climbed over me and shut the light.
Then I was just laying there and he was snuggling up with his pillow, apparently content and going to sleep. He hadn't touched me. He hadn't even kissed me. I guess he didn't want to, because he certainly could have.
So, I wedged my way between him and the pillow and buried my face in his chest and tried to breathe and tried not to cry.
Everything is FINE, Hyde! I kept telling myself. You're safe. You're okay. The drama is in your head. Nothing bad is happening. Just CHILL OUT.
I was restless though and couldn't stay settled there. His bed was still white on white on white-- what will forever be "Narc" to me-- but the pillow cases were edged with a sort of lace and there was a top-sheet to match. It was someone else's bed. It was PopStar's bed. I was in another woman's bed.
"I can't sleep Narc," I said. "I'm not tired."
He opened one eye.
"Are you going to take your makeup off?" he asked. "I think you should. It'll only take a sec."
He has never asked that of me before. Were these her sheets? Was she going to come pick up the bedding? I felt gross. But I did what he said and went to the bathroom.
I couldn't find anything to use to get the makeup off. I didn't want to put soap in my eyes. The bathroom was stuffed though-- stuffed with products carrying Russian labels. Why didn't she take that stuff with her? I picked up a few of the bottles to see if any of them were makeup removers. They all seemed to be moisturizers or lotions of some kind. I found a box of plastic press-on nails--long ones with a black and gold leopard print. Eww... somehow that made it all even grosser. I decided to try to get the mascara off with water alone. I rubbed wet toilet paper in my eyes and it hurt. Nothing was right, but nothing was wrong either. I went back into the bedroom.
Back in bed next to Narc, I wanted something from him... I wanted him to be with me... I'm not sure, at that point, if I wanted to have sex with him, but I didn't want to be ignored by him. I felt like I was in the room alone.
"This is weird, Narc," I said.
"What?"
"I feel weird, don't you?" I whispered.
"Maybe a little," he said. His eyes were still closed.
"I feel weird," I repeated.
"Just relax he said. "Stay still and close your eyes and go to sleep. You'll be okay."
He was wrong. I tossed around a few more times and then I tried to engage him sexually again. It worked for a little bit... kinda, sorta... not really. My cell phone buzzed. It was nearly 2:00 AM.
"Is that your phone?" he asked.
"What?"
"Your phone. Mine is off and in the other room."
"Oh. I guess it is."
I got up and grabbed the phone. Brick was calling. I got up out of the bed and picked it up.
"I'll just be a sec," I said to Narc.
"Are you okay?" I asked Brick, moving into the living room.
Brick let out a tirade of fear about how his boyfriend is cheating on him and about how he is freaking out. I tried to calm him down for a minute or two.
"I've gotta go, though," I told him. "It's kind of an awkward time right now."
"Oh my God, Hyde! Are you with Narc?"
"Yeah."
"Are you having sex?"
"Sort of."
"Oh my God! I'm so sorry... Go finish. Go finish and then call me back."
"I have to go. I'll call you later."
I had been careful not to say Brick's name, so Narc didn't know who called. I don't know why I cared.
"Good news? Bad news?" he asked when I came back into the bedroom.
"Oh, it's nothing," I said. "Don't worry about it." And I climbed back into bed with him.
Narc put his arm around me, but he wasn't present. I lay there and closed my eyes. I willed sleep to come but it was nowhere. It felt wrong. All of this was starting to feel wrong.
"I don't know if I can do this, Narc," I whispered again.
"Shhh..." His eyes were still closed and he patted my head.
"I think I may go home."
That got his attention. He opened his eyes and looked at me in the dark, half startled and half sad. My face was close to his, although still half on his chest.
"Go home? Now? Why?"
"I don't know. I just don't know if I can sleep here."
"You can't go home," he protested. "You have to wake up early. You should just get to sleep now."
"I don't know if I can."
"Why don't you take something?"
"I have nothing here to take."
"I can give you NyQuil," he said. "A little NyQuil will knock you right out."
"Yeah... but I'm not so sure I should take that," I said, wearily. "I think I should maybe just go home."
I could sense that he was really upset, but he didn't betray himself. He didn't say anything.
"Is that okay with you?" I asked, a plea in my voice.
"Yeah..." He seemed cold now. "Yeah, sure. If that's what you need to do, do it. If that's what you want..." His voice trailed off.
"I feel bad," I said, "But I just feel weird, you know? And I don't think I can sleep here."
I felt awful. Like I had violated something. Like I had torn apart some unspoken agreement. Like I was ripping everything we had ever had between us. I was nauseous with guilt.
"I think I have to," I said quietly. "I'm going to go."
"Okay." He was shut off now. Completely shut off.
I crawled up on top of him and kissed his cheek.
"Give me a hug," I said. "I really am sorry."
I squeezed him as tight as I could and in a flash scooped up my clothes and my phone.
"I'm gonna pee and then I'm gonna go," I said. "I'll talk to you soon."
"Yeah, goodnight." He had already turned over and away.
Everything inside of me hurt.
I was sweaty and felt his cum in me like a rock. I called Brick back from the elevator.
"Where are you?" he asked.
I started to tell him what had happened.
"Want me to swing by and scoop you up in a cab?" I asked.
He agreed.
On my way to get Brick, I wrote Narc a text:
It was really nice to see you & I had a good time.
(All true. It was beautiful to see him. I really had missed him).
Sorry I couldn't stay, I said. Hope you are sleeping soundly as I write this. Lots of love...
I really, really do love Narc. I really love him.
When I met Brick it felt like a scene straight out of last summer. Me and Brick and Narc on my lips and Ben & Jerry's and a talk that went straight through til 4:00 AM.
Finally, Brick and I crawled into bed together. I felt relieved and safe and sad and so FUCKING SAD that I wanted to scream and break something, but I was too relieved and soft and cozy and tired to do anything except go to sleep.
Brick woke me up this morning with his "good morning" song. It felt worlds away from last night. We walked to Dunkin' Donuts and he bought me my first iced coffee of the day. Then I kissed him goodbye as he went off to his meeting. I felt grimy and gross in the heat. I returned to my apartment to await my sponsor.
Just before 10:00 AM, Narc texted me:
Slept well, though jackhammers woke me at 8:00 AM! You were right though, was a little weird. Maybe too soon.
His message left me relieved, but still sad. I have no regrets about having gone there. In a weird way, I feel closer to him and grateful for the fact that he struggles too. I thought about something he had said to me on Thursday night.
"Narc, you make me crazy!" I had said. "You're like taking a crazy pill or something."
"You don't have the monopoly on that," he told me. "Don't you know, you make me crazy too?"
I know it to be true.
Anwyay, I wrote back:
Yeah. But let's hang out again anyway with no expectations. And we'll see what happens. Sorry about the jackhammers. If you go to Dobb's Ferry, have fun! :)
Cherubino arrived at around 10:00 AM. I wasn't going to tell her any of what had happened. We had agreed to stop talking about Narc since I wasn't willing to take her suggestions. But I told her anyway because she is my friend.
And then I did my 8th step. She also had me write out a "sex ideal"-- everything that I want in a "partner." She said it was really important. I took my time with it.
And then she spent the entire day and we watched Hilary and Jackie.
And now it is dark and I am all alone again.
I feel sad and scared. I feel immobilized.
But I am looking at my "1-year-of-sobriety" coin. "To Thine Own Self Be True," it says.
I just want the night to turn into day again. I know I'll make it through, but I'm not in a good place tonight.
I really don't know who I am.
I love him, but I wanted to leave. And that bubble of "Hyde and Narc" that I thought I could return to? It wasn't there. It wasn't there for me. If it's gone... if it really is gone, I need to figure out a way to mourn. Because it feels like this is going to kill me.
Anyway, that's it for now... Hope you're all having a good night.
love,
h
I spent the entire day today with my sponsor, working on my 8th step... Technically, I'm on "9" now, but I still need to do a little writing before I start making amends. We listened to Elvis songs and ordered in diner food and took a walk to get Dunkin' Donuts iced coffee. As the evening approached, we watched Hilary and Jackie. I thought it was brilliant.
But now it's dark. My chest feels tight. She has gone home and I feel desperate. I feel alone. Something in me wants to break a window... to stab myself in the chest with a piece of glass. But that's just one thought. I have too much inertia to do anything other than type this post. And besides, I really don't want to stab myself in the chest, after all.
Well... let's get down to it.
Yesterday I overslept, as I had been up the previous night pacing my apartment, eating ice pops with Brick and grappling with Narc. I was supposed to meet Hammer and her parents at MoMA. Her aunt was in town as well... the infamous "All of Me" aunt. I got there an hour late and found them on the 5th floor. I took a cell phone pic of Hammer in front of "Yves Klein Blue." After the museum we walked around the design shop and then headed to Ben Ash for lunch. Hammer's mom drew a picture of a dress on a napkin. She just bought her dress for Lil'Hammer's wedding.
After lunch, Hammer and I parted ways from her family and walked down towards our school. We paused on 47th street where I tried on ruby rings. Then Hammer headed to school and I went to Pinkberry. That was it for the afternoon.
Later that night, StarGazer called me.
"Wanna go to Lasagna for dinner?" she asked.
"Sure."
And then I got a text from Narc.
With a few friends, still. Will give a call in a bit.
I got dressed to meet StarGazer and misplaced my phone somewhere in my bedroom. I had to leave the apartment without it, which made me anxious for obvious reasons. But dinner was nice.
"How was your day?" I asked her.
"Well, work is getting better," she said, "now that I'm happy."
It was strange to hear her say she was "happy." It gave me pause. Am I happy? As I sat there at the dinner table last night, I had to admit that I am. (Am I? I am.)
After dinner, she left for a meeting at the 79th street workshop. I headed home. I found my phone in my pajama drawer. Narc hadn't called. So, I called Hammer. Her parents were still out. She told me what her friend CurlyQ is up to. Hammer and I like to talk about CurlyQ's dating life.
At around 11:00, when I still hadn't heard from Narc, I decided to send him a text. The days of waiting around for him all night have come to an end.
Just back home, I said. Have to be up by 9:00 tomorrow, so going to bed by 1:00 AM. Just letting you know...
He called me not a moment later.
"Yeah, I was just wrapping up with Laurie and her friend," he said.
To tell you the truth, I don't remember exactly how this conversation went-- only a few of the things that were said.
Narc told me that he wants to get his life in order.
"I've been on replay... repeat for the past six years," he said. "I'm thinking about cutting out booze altogether."
I was surprised he brought that up to me.
"I have no regrets about it," I said.
"Yeah, but then I think-- can I really cut it out forever? I mean-- maybe that's a little extreme. I'm fine for the most part. I just have to avoid those crazy nights out with James."
"I can't think in terms of forever," I told him. "Just one day. That's it. 'Forever' scares me. I just recommit myself each morning to the things I do to bring my life to where I want it to go. And I thought I couldn't survive without alcohol, but I'm happy now," I said, thinking of my earlier conversation with StarGazer. "I don't drink, I don't have a boyfriend, I've put on a ton of weight and I am still sitting on my incompletes, but life is finally moving and I'm happier than I've ever been."
"I want to be too," he said.
I told him that my "diet" is the next thing on project-status for me.
"You can't try to do it all at once, Narc."
Anyway, the conversation went a lot of places from there. But neither of us said anything about getting together. He was sober, so of course things were awkward. I had to do the dirty work.
"So..." I began. "Do you want to get together tonight, or what?"
"Um..." his voice was a little flat. "Do you think that's a good idea, Hyde?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, what you were saying last night. I don't want to fuck with your head, you know."
I felt soft... affectionate. It was okay.
"I think I'm the only one who can fuck with my head, Narc!" I laughed.
"How so?"
"It all depends on how I take it all in, right?"
"I don't think so," he countered. "Plenty of people have fucked with my head in the past."
Oh yeah... I forgot he hasn't done a Fourth Step.
"I don't know," I said. "But I do know that I don't want to get into this right now. I just can't stomach a heavy conversation right now."
"Me neither!"
He seemed hugely relieved. Then there was silence.
"So...?" I said again. "Should I come?"
Somehow I still couldn't choose. I like him to tell me what to do. I wanted him to make the decision for us.
He paused again.
"Yeah. Come down." His voice was low and decisive. I liked it.
"Okay," I said, breathlessly sweeping things into a bag. "Give me 20 minutes to get out of here."
My heart was pounding. POUNDING, POUNDING, POUNDING. I hadn't seen him since February 26th. I had put on weight. Would he say anything about that? Why did I care? I've never felt insecure about my body around him before. Why did it suddenly seem to be a pressing issue. I needed to see him. I needed to see him to put a lot of fears to rest.
I can't explain how or why and I know it makes no sense at all, but I knew that going there was the right thing to do.
I got into a cab. The phone rang. It was Pixie-- a friend of mine in AA who just got her six months. She was having a rough day. It was good to talk to her. It took my mind off of myself and what I was doing.
And then I was in Tribeca. My heart was still pounding... harder than ever now. I felt dizzy as I approached his building. The number on the awning seemed extra large to me.
I pushed open the heavy glass door. The doorman seemed surprised to see me.
"How have you been?" he asked. "How's the teaching going?"
"Um, fine," I said. I laughed as if I were comfortable. But my fear was mounting.
And then I was in the elevator. The air was thick with the smell of Narc's building... that peculiar and particular smell. I was disoriented when the elevator door opened. For a moment I didn't know which way to turn.
And then I was in front of his door. Part of me wanted to turn back, but I was determined to walk through this. So, I raised my fist and knocked.
He answered the door in boxers and a t-shirt.
"Oh, hey," he said, when he greeted me-- as if it were the most casual meeting in the world.
His body looked slimmer but his face looked fuller. It was weird. And he had on new glasses... greenish rimmed "Prada" glasses. He walked towards the couch. I scanned the room to take in the changes.
He had one of those black ladder bookshelves leaning up against the wall and a few humongous paintings on the wall, presumably done by PopStar's dad who is a fairly accomplished artist in Russia. There was a big cardboard box near the back end of the living room.
"She's still in the process of getting her stuff out," he offered.
"New shelves, new paintings, new pillows," I said, plopping down on the couch, and grabbing a few pillows around me for comfort.
Narc was watching Family Guy.
"Yeah," he said.
And then we just both started watching the TV. And I felt instantly at ease. We chatted and laughed and I realized that I missed him... really him... the real him and not the crazy fantasy scripted him (although I've obviously missed that man too.) I just genuinely missed my friend. ("Friend?")
Narc wanted to stretch out. He wanted to put his feet up, but there was no room unless he put his legs up on my lap, as he used to do. Neither of us had touched the other. He was positioned awkwardly half off the couch. I shifted to make it easier for him to put his feet on me. He took the cue and did. I was grateful for the contact. I put my hand around his ankle. It felt so familiar. So good.
So, we sat like that for a while-- talking, watching TV while I rubbed his legs. Then he got up.
"It's time for you to go to bed," he said. " You need to be up early in the morning."
"Oh... okay."
I wasn't tired and I was very nervous, but I followed him into the bedroom. Nothing had happened... no real touching, no kissing, nothing... so I wasn't sure what the protocol was. If clothes were going to come off, I had imagined it would have been in the "heat of the moment."
But he closed the blinds and started to strip down. I stood there watching him... and the underwear... were off! He got into bed, but left the lights on and didn't pull the covers up. I felt awkward and didn't want to be naked in front of him... not like that, at least. But I did it. I took off my clothes... all of them... and got into bed next to him.
It was so fucking weird.
This whole scene was SO FUCKING WEIRD.
I wasn't sure what to do, so I just sort of snuggled up next to him and buried my face in his chest. He put his arm around me and caressed me a little bit. But none of it felt right. So... I did what I do when I don't know what to do... I moved down to give him a blow job. He pushed my head down. So, it seemed like I had made the right move.
I know he likes what I do in that department and he seemed to really appreciate it. I felt almost scared though. I don't even know what I was feeling. It wasn't long before he came in my mouth and that was even stranger. I don't mean to be gross and to go into too many details, but given that this is my blog and I was very confused, I'm just going to write about it. Something about having him inside me and inside my belly again was painful for me. I felt like my heart would break. But at the same time, it was a distant heartbreak-- one with no target. I felt so far removed from everyone and everything and even myself.
"I really needed that," he said. "God, I missed that."
And he seemed to be done. He climbed over me and shut the light.
Then I was just laying there and he was snuggling up with his pillow, apparently content and going to sleep. He hadn't touched me. He hadn't even kissed me. I guess he didn't want to, because he certainly could have.
So, I wedged my way between him and the pillow and buried my face in his chest and tried to breathe and tried not to cry.
Everything is FINE, Hyde! I kept telling myself. You're safe. You're okay. The drama is in your head. Nothing bad is happening. Just CHILL OUT.
I was restless though and couldn't stay settled there. His bed was still white on white on white-- what will forever be "Narc" to me-- but the pillow cases were edged with a sort of lace and there was a top-sheet to match. It was someone else's bed. It was PopStar's bed. I was in another woman's bed.
"I can't sleep Narc," I said. "I'm not tired."
He opened one eye.
"Are you going to take your makeup off?" he asked. "I think you should. It'll only take a sec."
He has never asked that of me before. Were these her sheets? Was she going to come pick up the bedding? I felt gross. But I did what he said and went to the bathroom.
I couldn't find anything to use to get the makeup off. I didn't want to put soap in my eyes. The bathroom was stuffed though-- stuffed with products carrying Russian labels. Why didn't she take that stuff with her? I picked up a few of the bottles to see if any of them were makeup removers. They all seemed to be moisturizers or lotions of some kind. I found a box of plastic press-on nails--long ones with a black and gold leopard print. Eww... somehow that made it all even grosser. I decided to try to get the mascara off with water alone. I rubbed wet toilet paper in my eyes and it hurt. Nothing was right, but nothing was wrong either. I went back into the bedroom.
Back in bed next to Narc, I wanted something from him... I wanted him to be with me... I'm not sure, at that point, if I wanted to have sex with him, but I didn't want to be ignored by him. I felt like I was in the room alone.
"This is weird, Narc," I said.
"What?"
"I feel weird, don't you?" I whispered.
"Maybe a little," he said. His eyes were still closed.
"I feel weird," I repeated.
"Just relax he said. "Stay still and close your eyes and go to sleep. You'll be okay."
He was wrong. I tossed around a few more times and then I tried to engage him sexually again. It worked for a little bit... kinda, sorta... not really. My cell phone buzzed. It was nearly 2:00 AM.
"Is that your phone?" he asked.
"What?"
"Your phone. Mine is off and in the other room."
"Oh. I guess it is."
I got up and grabbed the phone. Brick was calling. I got up out of the bed and picked it up.
"I'll just be a sec," I said to Narc.
"Are you okay?" I asked Brick, moving into the living room.
Brick let out a tirade of fear about how his boyfriend is cheating on him and about how he is freaking out. I tried to calm him down for a minute or two.
"I've gotta go, though," I told him. "It's kind of an awkward time right now."
"Oh my God, Hyde! Are you with Narc?"
"Yeah."
"Are you having sex?"
"Sort of."
"Oh my God! I'm so sorry... Go finish. Go finish and then call me back."
"I have to go. I'll call you later."
I had been careful not to say Brick's name, so Narc didn't know who called. I don't know why I cared.
"Good news? Bad news?" he asked when I came back into the bedroom.
"Oh, it's nothing," I said. "Don't worry about it." And I climbed back into bed with him.
Narc put his arm around me, but he wasn't present. I lay there and closed my eyes. I willed sleep to come but it was nowhere. It felt wrong. All of this was starting to feel wrong.
"I don't know if I can do this, Narc," I whispered again.
"Shhh..." His eyes were still closed and he patted my head.
"I think I may go home."
That got his attention. He opened his eyes and looked at me in the dark, half startled and half sad. My face was close to his, although still half on his chest.
"Go home? Now? Why?"
"I don't know. I just don't know if I can sleep here."
"You can't go home," he protested. "You have to wake up early. You should just get to sleep now."
"I don't know if I can."
"Why don't you take something?"
"I have nothing here to take."
"I can give you NyQuil," he said. "A little NyQuil will knock you right out."
"Yeah... but I'm not so sure I should take that," I said, wearily. "I think I should maybe just go home."
I could sense that he was really upset, but he didn't betray himself. He didn't say anything.
"Is that okay with you?" I asked, a plea in my voice.
"Yeah..." He seemed cold now. "Yeah, sure. If that's what you need to do, do it. If that's what you want..." His voice trailed off.
"I feel bad," I said, "But I just feel weird, you know? And I don't think I can sleep here."
I felt awful. Like I had violated something. Like I had torn apart some unspoken agreement. Like I was ripping everything we had ever had between us. I was nauseous with guilt.
"I think I have to," I said quietly. "I'm going to go."
"Okay." He was shut off now. Completely shut off.
I crawled up on top of him and kissed his cheek.
"Give me a hug," I said. "I really am sorry."
I squeezed him as tight as I could and in a flash scooped up my clothes and my phone.
"I'm gonna pee and then I'm gonna go," I said. "I'll talk to you soon."
"Yeah, goodnight." He had already turned over and away.
Everything inside of me hurt.
I was sweaty and felt his cum in me like a rock. I called Brick back from the elevator.
"Where are you?" he asked.
I started to tell him what had happened.
"Want me to swing by and scoop you up in a cab?" I asked.
He agreed.
On my way to get Brick, I wrote Narc a text:
It was really nice to see you & I had a good time.
(All true. It was beautiful to see him. I really had missed him).
Sorry I couldn't stay, I said. Hope you are sleeping soundly as I write this. Lots of love...
I really, really do love Narc. I really love him.
When I met Brick it felt like a scene straight out of last summer. Me and Brick and Narc on my lips and Ben & Jerry's and a talk that went straight through til 4:00 AM.
Finally, Brick and I crawled into bed together. I felt relieved and safe and sad and so FUCKING SAD that I wanted to scream and break something, but I was too relieved and soft and cozy and tired to do anything except go to sleep.
Brick woke me up this morning with his "good morning" song. It felt worlds away from last night. We walked to Dunkin' Donuts and he bought me my first iced coffee of the day. Then I kissed him goodbye as he went off to his meeting. I felt grimy and gross in the heat. I returned to my apartment to await my sponsor.
Just before 10:00 AM, Narc texted me:
Slept well, though jackhammers woke me at 8:00 AM! You were right though, was a little weird. Maybe too soon.
His message left me relieved, but still sad. I have no regrets about having gone there. In a weird way, I feel closer to him and grateful for the fact that he struggles too. I thought about something he had said to me on Thursday night.
"Narc, you make me crazy!" I had said. "You're like taking a crazy pill or something."
"You don't have the monopoly on that," he told me. "Don't you know, you make me crazy too?"
I know it to be true.
Anwyay, I wrote back:
Yeah. But let's hang out again anyway with no expectations. And we'll see what happens. Sorry about the jackhammers. If you go to Dobb's Ferry, have fun! :)
Cherubino arrived at around 10:00 AM. I wasn't going to tell her any of what had happened. We had agreed to stop talking about Narc since I wasn't willing to take her suggestions. But I told her anyway because she is my friend.
And then I did my 8th step. She also had me write out a "sex ideal"-- everything that I want in a "partner." She said it was really important. I took my time with it.
And then she spent the entire day and we watched Hilary and Jackie.
And now it is dark and I am all alone again.
I feel sad and scared. I feel immobilized.
But I am looking at my "1-year-of-sobriety" coin. "To Thine Own Self Be True," it says.
I just want the night to turn into day again. I know I'll make it through, but I'm not in a good place tonight.
I really don't know who I am.
I love him, but I wanted to leave. And that bubble of "Hyde and Narc" that I thought I could return to? It wasn't there. It wasn't there for me. If it's gone... if it really is gone, I need to figure out a way to mourn. Because it feels like this is going to kill me.
Anyway, that's it for now... Hope you're all having a good night.
love,
h
Surprised
Much, much, MUCH to update! But alas, I have no time at the moment. Cherubino should be here any moment. We are going to start work on my 8th step.
But I learned a lot about myself last night. And I'm starting to feel like I have my higher power back.
love,
h
(PS: If Narc and I "had" an anniversary, today would be three years.)
But I learned a lot about myself last night. And I'm starting to feel like I have my higher power back.
love,
h
(PS: If Narc and I "had" an anniversary, today would be three years.)
Friday, July 6, 2007
Patience, Grasshopper!
Yesterday I taught the last class of the summer session (not counting Tuesday when I will be administering a final exam). I was glad for it to be over. Two and a half hour lectures are not an easy thing to do...
The rest of the afternoon I cleaned my apartment. I was feeling dead tired, but I did it anyway, as it really needed to be done.
Brick was supposed to meet me at my Thursday night AA meeting, but texted at the last minute that he couldn't make it. After the meeting I met him back at my place.
The sky was roaring with thunder and lightning last night, so although the rain hadn't broken, we decided to order in. We ate from Lasagna and Brick told me all about his new boyfriend. I sang Pace pace mio dio for him so that he could hear my new breathing technique. At around 11:00 PM we settled in on the couch to watch Dream Girls. Shortly after it started, Brick drifted off to sleep.
I liked the movie a lot, except I wasn't in love with the music... It all climaxed too fast and then stayed there at a fever pitch and I started to feel assaulted by all of the vocal runs and intense belting. In any case, I was having a nice cozy evening when my phone buzzed. It was a text from Narc.
**WARNING: If you are so fucking sick of "Hyde and Narc" that you can no longer bear it (as I sometimes feel), don't read on**
Restless tonight... Up? he wrote.
I froze. I wasn't sure what to say.
Yeah, was all I could muster. Then I waited...
Come down, he said.
I didn't answer.
Or I can come up, he followed.
I still didn't answer. But I could feel my dinner turning over in my stomach. I literally felt frozen. When is this ever going to stop??? I guess my long silence unnerved him because he wrote to me yet again:
Debating?
So, I finally replied: What to say to you? Yes...
Narc: So come down
Hyde: I've got someone on my couch tonight.
Narc: In the mood for a classic movie. We shall watch something great.
Hyde: I'm watching "Dream Girls" right now.
And then the phone rang.
"Hydeeeeeeen..."
"Can I call you back, Narc?" I asked. "The movie is really about to end."
"What part is it up to?"
"They're breaking up... I mean, it's really ending."
"That's only half way through!"
"No... not the first break up... look, trust me... I'll call you in 15 minutes."
"Do you promise?"
"Yes, I promise."
At this point, Brick had woken up.
"Hyde! What's going on?" he grinned at me. "What are you doing?"
"Nothing... Narc... You know..."
"Are you okay?"
"I don't know."
I could do nothing but stare straight ahead. I really felt immobilized. Perfect ambivalence. Too many feelings.
"I'm going to move into the bedroom, okay?" Brick said, pulling himself up off the couch. "What are you going to do?"
"Call him back, I guess... because I said I would."
"Why don't you come in there with me and call from in there? That way you can't say anything too crazy..."
I did.
Narc wasn't drunk... maybe a tiny bit tipsy. But it didn't matter, he was out in full force trying to get me to come down there. I talked to him for a long time. I sort of wish I had blogged last night so that I could remember exactly what was said... a lot was said.
I told Narc that I ought to "start charging."
"For what?" he asked.
"For our visits. Really-- you call me when your depressed and restless to come fuck you... Why shouldn't I?"
"Hyde! I'm not depressed right now... I'm feeling great in fact... the best I've felt in weeks. And I want someone to watch a movie with."
"You want someone to watch a movie with? Anyone? So, it doesn't have to be me?"
"Of course, I want it to be you," he said, seemingly annoyed with me.
"I want you to come down here and watch a movie and then I'm going to fuck your brains out."
"Why do you want to watch a movie with me?" I asked, ignoring the latter part of what he just said.
"To tell you the truth, Hyde-- you are the most brilliant and intelligent of my friends who knows the least about movies. I like telling you stuff-- about how the movies were made, etc. and you're always into it-- like 'oh, really, Narc?'"
"I just don't think I can do this," I said.
"Why not???" He was getting frustrated with me.
"Because of how I feel."
"I thought you said you were over all that."
"Over all what?"
"I thought you said you were over all your feelings for me!" he laughed.
"What?!? When did I ever say that?"
"Last week! When we video chatted. That's what you said."
"I didn't say that, Narc! Why would I say that? I think I'm constitutionally incapable of 'getting over' my feelings just like that."
"Look, Hyde-- what's the big deal? You're going to come down here. You're going to watch a movie with me. And I'm going to fuck you until you can't anymore. So, come on."
"It's going to mess with me, Narc," I protested.
"How?"
"I'm going to feel in love with you again."
"How is it that my cumming in your face is going to make you fall in love with me?"
I started to laugh.
"Can I call you back?" I asked.
"Why?"
"I don't know... I need to go pray or something, okay?"
"Yeah, Hyde," he sighed. "Call me back."
When I hung up the phone I let out a groan and curled up on the bed. I felt destroyed. Brick got up and got me a purple ice pop. He ate a red one. (I thought of how VJ used to come over and eat the leftover orange ones).
"You're not going to go there, are you?" he asked.
"I don't know... I don't know what I'm going to do."
"Hyde, you have tools to deal with this now."
"I don't want my tools," I whined.
But in all of this, I realized something... I think what attracts me to this with Narc is the act of giving in to him. That's where it peaks for me. That moment of utter abandon and self-destruction. Release. Falling. I called him back.
"Yeeees?"
"It's me."
"I know. Are you coming?"
"I don't know."
"Have you been smoking a lot of cigarettes, Hyde?"
"No."
"You're lying. I bet you've been chain-smoking like a chimney!"
"What? No! I only smoke every once in a while... rarely. Why?"
"I don't know. I want some cigarettes."
"You've been smoking," I said. "You told me you lost your voice from it last week."
"Oh, yeah... but that was just that night out with the boys."
"You need to be careful, Narc."
"Why?"
"Your blood clots!"
"I don't have blood clots!"
He seemed annoyed that I had brought the whole thing up. Apparently he has stopped all treatment and gone off the coumadin. He wanted to stick to the matter at hand.
"Hyde? What's the big deal?" he asked, returning to the issue of whether or not I would come fuck him.
"You disappeared, Narc! I mean, I know you were trying to work out your thing with PopStar, but I had feelings for you and you disappeared for four months! It hurt. It really hurt."
"Aw, c'mon! Life hurts, Hyde!"
I didn't respond. Clearly he wanted to either evade taking responsibility or he wanted to self-victimize, but I didn't care to hear either.
"And then the other day," I went on, "I was really torn up about whether or not to see you... I really was. And I finally broke down and said 'okay, I'll see him again,' and then you rejected me!"
"I didn't reject you, Hyde! This is nonsense! PopStar was on my couch that night. I didn't expect she would be there. It was the LAST night. She moved out the NEXT day. Also, not an easy thing..."
"Are you okay?" I asked, quietly, coming back to myself for a moment.
"Yeah, I'm okay," he said.
"It's just-- I have feelings for you and you clearly don't have feelings for me, and--"
"Of course I have feelings for you, Hyde!" he said, interrupting me.
"Oh, you do? So, what are they?"
"What?"
"What are your feelings for me?"
He paused, as if not sure of how to proceed.
"I love you, Hyde," he said. "I love you and I want you to be happy. I want you to finish your incompletes and to get in shape and have the things you want. And I'm sick of this pretending."
"Pretending?"
"Pretending that I don't want you."
"When were you pretending that?"
"For the past few months!"
I wasn't sure what to say at this point... unsure of whether there was any truth to what he was telling me, or if was just a ploy to get me to come down to his place.
"You said you love me, Narc."
"I do love you. You know that."
"I have to call you back again," I said.
"What?"
"I just have to go. I just have to call you back."
"Is that because BRICK is there," he said, irritated. "I'm sure Brick can take care of your place for you. He's a big boy."
"I'll call you back," I said again, hanging up.
Once off the phone, I grabbed my pillow.
"He said he loves me, Brick."
"Oh, Deloris!" Brick sighed (his sometimes nickname for me.)
I went into the bathroom. I wasn't sure whether it was to shave my legs or throw up.
"Are you going?" Brick called after me.
"I have to," I said. "I have to go there."
"Did he tell you that? That you have to?"
I came back into the bedroom.
"I just want to kill myself," I said.
"Don't say that."
"I can't deal, though. I can't think. I just don't want to be dealing with choices."
"But you do have a choice," Brick pointed out. "You don't have to go. Saying that is like abdicating responsibility."
"You're right." I started to pace my bedroom. My heart was pounding. "I can't go. I just can't. How can I go there? But how can I not? I'm calling him back."
"What are you going to say?"
I didn't answer Brick. Instead, I dialed Narc again. It was about 1:45 AM.
"Are you coming?" he answered.
"I can't. I just can't, Narc. But I can come tomorrow. If you want to see me, and if you really do, let's make a plan for tomorrow."
"I can't think beyond 24 hours, Hyde," he sighed.
"So, you don't want to see me tomorrow?"
"I want to fuck you tonight and tomorrow night."
"You do?"
"Yes."
"You said you love me."
"I do love you, Hyde."
Now he was on the breaking point.
"Are you coming or not?"
"I don't know."
"Look, Hyde... it's late. I'm going to hang up the phone. I'm going to be awake for another half hour. If you want to come down, come. If you don't want to, don't. But I can't do this anymore on the phone."
"Okay."
We hung up. Ten minutes later, I decided that I couldn't do it. I called him back.
"Yup?"
"I can't come, Narc."
"You're not coming?'
"No. I just can't come tonight. But we can make a plan for tomorrow..."
"Uh... yeah..."
"Do you want to meet up tomorrow?"
"Um.... why don't you just call me then."
"Okay. Good night."
Brick was desperately trying to fall asleep at this point. I took a Lunesta and crawled into bed next to him. My heart was still racing and I was wide awake. I set the alarm for 6:30 AM for Brick and shut the light. My phone was clutched in my hand. It buzzed again.
Wish you would come down anyway, he wrote. Spontaneous, like in the movies. Sweet dreams, hon.
I considered it. I didn't want to let him down and he knew it. I got up and went into the bathroom. I wandered into the kitchen and wrote him another text.
Problem is I do love you, I wrote back. The second problem is I just took a Lunesta. Wish I didn't have to disappoint you. Wish you were wrapped around me. Until tomorrow...
I got back in bed. But Narc hadn't given up yet. He sent me one more text:
Still time...
My reply?
Patience grasshopper! ;)
The rest of the afternoon I cleaned my apartment. I was feeling dead tired, but I did it anyway, as it really needed to be done.
Brick was supposed to meet me at my Thursday night AA meeting, but texted at the last minute that he couldn't make it. After the meeting I met him back at my place.
The sky was roaring with thunder and lightning last night, so although the rain hadn't broken, we decided to order in. We ate from Lasagna and Brick told me all about his new boyfriend. I sang Pace pace mio dio for him so that he could hear my new breathing technique. At around 11:00 PM we settled in on the couch to watch Dream Girls. Shortly after it started, Brick drifted off to sleep.
I liked the movie a lot, except I wasn't in love with the music... It all climaxed too fast and then stayed there at a fever pitch and I started to feel assaulted by all of the vocal runs and intense belting. In any case, I was having a nice cozy evening when my phone buzzed. It was a text from Narc.
**WARNING: If you are so fucking sick of "Hyde and Narc" that you can no longer bear it (as I sometimes feel), don't read on**
Restless tonight... Up? he wrote.
I froze. I wasn't sure what to say.
Yeah, was all I could muster. Then I waited...
Come down, he said.
I didn't answer.
Or I can come up, he followed.
I still didn't answer. But I could feel my dinner turning over in my stomach. I literally felt frozen. When is this ever going to stop??? I guess my long silence unnerved him because he wrote to me yet again:
Debating?
So, I finally replied: What to say to you? Yes...
Narc: So come down
Hyde: I've got someone on my couch tonight.
Narc: In the mood for a classic movie. We shall watch something great.
Hyde: I'm watching "Dream Girls" right now.
And then the phone rang.
"Hydeeeeeeen..."
"Can I call you back, Narc?" I asked. "The movie is really about to end."
"What part is it up to?"
"They're breaking up... I mean, it's really ending."
"That's only half way through!"
"No... not the first break up... look, trust me... I'll call you in 15 minutes."
"Do you promise?"
"Yes, I promise."
At this point, Brick had woken up.
"Hyde! What's going on?" he grinned at me. "What are you doing?"
"Nothing... Narc... You know..."
"Are you okay?"
"I don't know."
I could do nothing but stare straight ahead. I really felt immobilized. Perfect ambivalence. Too many feelings.
"I'm going to move into the bedroom, okay?" Brick said, pulling himself up off the couch. "What are you going to do?"
"Call him back, I guess... because I said I would."
"Why don't you come in there with me and call from in there? That way you can't say anything too crazy..."
I did.
Narc wasn't drunk... maybe a tiny bit tipsy. But it didn't matter, he was out in full force trying to get me to come down there. I talked to him for a long time. I sort of wish I had blogged last night so that I could remember exactly what was said... a lot was said.
I told Narc that I ought to "start charging."
"For what?" he asked.
"For our visits. Really-- you call me when your depressed and restless to come fuck you... Why shouldn't I?"
"Hyde! I'm not depressed right now... I'm feeling great in fact... the best I've felt in weeks. And I want someone to watch a movie with."
"You want someone to watch a movie with? Anyone? So, it doesn't have to be me?"
"Of course, I want it to be you," he said, seemingly annoyed with me.
"I want you to come down here and watch a movie and then I'm going to fuck your brains out."
"Why do you want to watch a movie with me?" I asked, ignoring the latter part of what he just said.
"To tell you the truth, Hyde-- you are the most brilliant and intelligent of my friends who knows the least about movies. I like telling you stuff-- about how the movies were made, etc. and you're always into it-- like 'oh, really, Narc?'"
"I just don't think I can do this," I said.
"Why not???" He was getting frustrated with me.
"Because of how I feel."
"I thought you said you were over all that."
"Over all what?"
"I thought you said you were over all your feelings for me!" he laughed.
"What?!? When did I ever say that?"
"Last week! When we video chatted. That's what you said."
"I didn't say that, Narc! Why would I say that? I think I'm constitutionally incapable of 'getting over' my feelings just like that."
"Look, Hyde-- what's the big deal? You're going to come down here. You're going to watch a movie with me. And I'm going to fuck you until you can't anymore. So, come on."
"It's going to mess with me, Narc," I protested.
"How?"
"I'm going to feel in love with you again."
"How is it that my cumming in your face is going to make you fall in love with me?"
I started to laugh.
"Can I call you back?" I asked.
"Why?"
"I don't know... I need to go pray or something, okay?"
"Yeah, Hyde," he sighed. "Call me back."
When I hung up the phone I let out a groan and curled up on the bed. I felt destroyed. Brick got up and got me a purple ice pop. He ate a red one. (I thought of how VJ used to come over and eat the leftover orange ones).
"You're not going to go there, are you?" he asked.
"I don't know... I don't know what I'm going to do."
"Hyde, you have tools to deal with this now."
"I don't want my tools," I whined.
But in all of this, I realized something... I think what attracts me to this with Narc is the act of giving in to him. That's where it peaks for me. That moment of utter abandon and self-destruction. Release. Falling. I called him back.
"Yeeees?"
"It's me."
"I know. Are you coming?"
"I don't know."
"Have you been smoking a lot of cigarettes, Hyde?"
"No."
"You're lying. I bet you've been chain-smoking like a chimney!"
"What? No! I only smoke every once in a while... rarely. Why?"
"I don't know. I want some cigarettes."
"You've been smoking," I said. "You told me you lost your voice from it last week."
"Oh, yeah... but that was just that night out with the boys."
"You need to be careful, Narc."
"Why?"
"Your blood clots!"
"I don't have blood clots!"
He seemed annoyed that I had brought the whole thing up. Apparently he has stopped all treatment and gone off the coumadin. He wanted to stick to the matter at hand.
"Hyde? What's the big deal?" he asked, returning to the issue of whether or not I would come fuck him.
"You disappeared, Narc! I mean, I know you were trying to work out your thing with PopStar, but I had feelings for you and you disappeared for four months! It hurt. It really hurt."
"Aw, c'mon! Life hurts, Hyde!"
I didn't respond. Clearly he wanted to either evade taking responsibility or he wanted to self-victimize, but I didn't care to hear either.
"And then the other day," I went on, "I was really torn up about whether or not to see you... I really was. And I finally broke down and said 'okay, I'll see him again,' and then you rejected me!"
"I didn't reject you, Hyde! This is nonsense! PopStar was on my couch that night. I didn't expect she would be there. It was the LAST night. She moved out the NEXT day. Also, not an easy thing..."
"Are you okay?" I asked, quietly, coming back to myself for a moment.
"Yeah, I'm okay," he said.
"It's just-- I have feelings for you and you clearly don't have feelings for me, and--"
"Of course I have feelings for you, Hyde!" he said, interrupting me.
"Oh, you do? So, what are they?"
"What?"
"What are your feelings for me?"
He paused, as if not sure of how to proceed.
"I love you, Hyde," he said. "I love you and I want you to be happy. I want you to finish your incompletes and to get in shape and have the things you want. And I'm sick of this pretending."
"Pretending?"
"Pretending that I don't want you."
"When were you pretending that?"
"For the past few months!"
I wasn't sure what to say at this point... unsure of whether there was any truth to what he was telling me, or if was just a ploy to get me to come down to his place.
"You said you love me, Narc."
"I do love you. You know that."
"I have to call you back again," I said.
"What?"
"I just have to go. I just have to call you back."
"Is that because BRICK is there," he said, irritated. "I'm sure Brick can take care of your place for you. He's a big boy."
"I'll call you back," I said again, hanging up.
Once off the phone, I grabbed my pillow.
"He said he loves me, Brick."
"Oh, Deloris!" Brick sighed (his sometimes nickname for me.)
I went into the bathroom. I wasn't sure whether it was to shave my legs or throw up.
"Are you going?" Brick called after me.
"I have to," I said. "I have to go there."
"Did he tell you that? That you have to?"
I came back into the bedroom.
"I just want to kill myself," I said.
"Don't say that."
"I can't deal, though. I can't think. I just don't want to be dealing with choices."
"But you do have a choice," Brick pointed out. "You don't have to go. Saying that is like abdicating responsibility."
"You're right." I started to pace my bedroom. My heart was pounding. "I can't go. I just can't. How can I go there? But how can I not? I'm calling him back."
"What are you going to say?"
I didn't answer Brick. Instead, I dialed Narc again. It was about 1:45 AM.
"Are you coming?" he answered.
"I can't. I just can't, Narc. But I can come tomorrow. If you want to see me, and if you really do, let's make a plan for tomorrow."
"I can't think beyond 24 hours, Hyde," he sighed.
"So, you don't want to see me tomorrow?"
"I want to fuck you tonight and tomorrow night."
"You do?"
"Yes."
"You said you love me."
"I do love you, Hyde."
Now he was on the breaking point.
"Are you coming or not?"
"I don't know."
"Look, Hyde... it's late. I'm going to hang up the phone. I'm going to be awake for another half hour. If you want to come down, come. If you don't want to, don't. But I can't do this anymore on the phone."
"Okay."
We hung up. Ten minutes later, I decided that I couldn't do it. I called him back.
"Yup?"
"I can't come, Narc."
"You're not coming?'
"No. I just can't come tonight. But we can make a plan for tomorrow..."
"Uh... yeah..."
"Do you want to meet up tomorrow?"
"Um.... why don't you just call me then."
"Okay. Good night."
Brick was desperately trying to fall asleep at this point. I took a Lunesta and crawled into bed next to him. My heart was still racing and I was wide awake. I set the alarm for 6:30 AM for Brick and shut the light. My phone was clutched in my hand. It buzzed again.
Wish you would come down anyway, he wrote. Spontaneous, like in the movies. Sweet dreams, hon.
I considered it. I didn't want to let him down and he knew it. I got up and went into the bathroom. I wandered into the kitchen and wrote him another text.
Problem is I do love you, I wrote back. The second problem is I just took a Lunesta. Wish I didn't have to disappoint you. Wish you were wrapped around me. Until tomorrow...
I got back in bed. But Narc hadn't given up yet. He sent me one more text:
Still time...
My reply?
Patience grasshopper! ;)
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Another Fourth
On Tuesday night NDN and I watched Black Snake Moan. I liked it. But when I went back upstairs to go to sleep, I couldn't. I was obsessing and panicking and called Bezoukhoff in the middle of the night to calm me down.
On the morning of the Fourth, NDN and I met Hammer at Penn Station. I needed some red bulls to stabilize me. Hammer brought me a crystal game to help answer questions about my future. NDN read the paper on the railroad. We went to my Aunt and Uncle's house.
The usual crowd was there from my family. I gave D&D (BigSis' niece and nephew) pop rocks. Hammer and I graded papers. NDN went in the pool despite the freezing weather and then fell asleep on the couch. My stepbrother did a new strange dance similar to "the robot." My cousin Jol made her usual delicious cupcakes. My mom initiated a conversation about how "young people" today are all hooked up to technology with our iPods, etc. everywhere we go.
On the train ride home, we bumped into someone who NDN works with. She squeezed into the seat next to me and I looked disgruntled about it. We had a talk about Nick Sanchez.
Last night I went to Hammer's place to grade papers while she cleaned her house. We listened to a lot of music. She removed art supplies from the corner where the Alaskan had stored them and had to find a place for his enormous paintings. We could hear the sound of fireworks crackling and booming outside. At 10:00 PM we went up to the roof to check it out. It was surreal. "An 'Impressionist' New York," as Hammer noted. The rooftop was slick from the recent rain and people were but silhouettes.
Back downstairs Hammer and I obsessed over old emails-- INSANE letters from the Wizard and multiple curt breakup messages from Narc.
It was late when I got home. I got very little sleep last night. Now I'm off to teach my class.
Happy Fourth of July!
love,
h
On the morning of the Fourth, NDN and I met Hammer at Penn Station. I needed some red bulls to stabilize me. Hammer brought me a crystal game to help answer questions about my future. NDN read the paper on the railroad. We went to my Aunt and Uncle's house.
The usual crowd was there from my family. I gave D&D (BigSis' niece and nephew) pop rocks. Hammer and I graded papers. NDN went in the pool despite the freezing weather and then fell asleep on the couch. My stepbrother did a new strange dance similar to "the robot." My cousin Jol made her usual delicious cupcakes. My mom initiated a conversation about how "young people" today are all hooked up to technology with our iPods, etc. everywhere we go.
On the train ride home, we bumped into someone who NDN works with. She squeezed into the seat next to me and I looked disgruntled about it. We had a talk about Nick Sanchez.
Last night I went to Hammer's place to grade papers while she cleaned her house. We listened to a lot of music. She removed art supplies from the corner where the Alaskan had stored them and had to find a place for his enormous paintings. We could hear the sound of fireworks crackling and booming outside. At 10:00 PM we went up to the roof to check it out. It was surreal. "An 'Impressionist' New York," as Hammer noted. The rooftop was slick from the recent rain and people were but silhouettes.
Back downstairs Hammer and I obsessed over old emails-- INSANE letters from the Wizard and multiple curt breakup messages from Narc.
It was late when I got home. I got very little sleep last night. Now I'm off to teach my class.
Happy Fourth of July!
love,
h
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
The Fast and the Fleeting
My AA meeting was awesome tonight... really inspiring. And I talked to a lot of "newcomers" and felt good. I felt at peace there. Why can't I carry that with me out of the rooms? Why can't I take that peace into the rest of my life? Why does the anxiety and fear and distrust and self-hatred and heartbreak flood back in as if the meeting had never happened?
But it did happen.
A lot of things have happened to me and sometimes it feels like they haven't... like my whole past is invented and fleeting and I am going to lose it and everything and myself if I don't hang on to every last scrap of memory...every last scrap of documentation.
Anyway, perhaps I'm rambling now. I'm going downstairs to watch Black Snake Moan with NDN. Tomorrow he and Hammer are coming out to Long Island with me for the Fourth of July.
I hate not being in control of the world.
That's it...
love,
h
But it did happen.
A lot of things have happened to me and sometimes it feels like they haven't... like my whole past is invented and fleeting and I am going to lose it and everything and myself if I don't hang on to every last scrap of memory...every last scrap of documentation.
Anyway, perhaps I'm rambling now. I'm going downstairs to watch Black Snake Moan with NDN. Tomorrow he and Hammer are coming out to Long Island with me for the Fourth of July.
I hate not being in control of the world.
That's it...
love,
h
Monday, July 2, 2007
The Anesthesiologist
I had to go have an endoscopy done this afternoon-- a procedure in which they knock you out and then stick a tube with a camera down your throat to take pictures of your esophagus and stomach.
When I got settled into the chair, the anesthesiologist wrapped a rubber band around my arm. It was super tight. I must have been wincing.
"I know it hurts," he said. "But just a little while longer."
The way he said it, I felt a slight masochistic pleasure from bearing the pain. He asked me to hold my arm up higher.
"Good girl," he said. I liked that.
He said that again a few times.
I tried to look at he was doing when he stuck the catheter in.
"I don't want you to look over here," he said.
So, I turned away.
Right before they knocked me out he told me that I was going to feel a little high and that I'd then fall asleep.
"Are you nervous?" he asked.
"Only because I'm sober," I said.
"I want you to relax. You are going to be very well taken care of. Just let go... Good girl."
I was strangely turned on by the whole thing. I told Hammer about it after. I think this is all a good sign... first I noticed an attractive guy at the Punk show and then I was turned on by the bossy yet paternalistic anesthesiologist. When I'm obsessed with one man, I tend not to notice any others.
Hmmm... Maybe I meant what I said in my last text to Narc. I'm not sure yet...
love,
h
When I got settled into the chair, the anesthesiologist wrapped a rubber band around my arm. It was super tight. I must have been wincing.
"I know it hurts," he said. "But just a little while longer."
The way he said it, I felt a slight masochistic pleasure from bearing the pain. He asked me to hold my arm up higher.
"Good girl," he said. I liked that.
He said that again a few times.
I tried to look at he was doing when he stuck the catheter in.
"I don't want you to look over here," he said.
So, I turned away.
Right before they knocked me out he told me that I was going to feel a little high and that I'd then fall asleep.
"Are you nervous?" he asked.
"Only because I'm sober," I said.
"I want you to relax. You are going to be very well taken care of. Just let go... Good girl."
I was strangely turned on by the whole thing. I told Hammer about it after. I think this is all a good sign... first I noticed an attractive guy at the Punk show and then I was turned on by the bossy yet paternalistic anesthesiologist. When I'm obsessed with one man, I tend not to notice any others.
Hmmm... Maybe I meant what I said in my last text to Narc. I'm not sure yet...
love,
h
Sunday, July 1, 2007
TT Gets a Date...
...and it's not with me! Let me explain...
The last time I wrote I was about to take off for the "Dead Betties" concert with my friends "A" and Pixie. We met in the East Village and grabbed a bite to eat in the diner. A is going through his first "sober" relationship and had quite a few words of wisdom for me. A post about relationships in sobriety may be forthcoming.
The show was down on the Lower East Side at a place called "The Cake Shop," not far from NDN's favorite-- Congee Village. We got there relatively early-- early enough that there was an open bar going. All three of us are alcoholics with relatively new sobriety so that was kind of rough... at least for me. I could see a certain Mr. "Jack Daniels" winking at me from across the bar. I also saw a really hot guy there... at least I thought so. When I pointed him out to Pixie, she said that he wasn't her type at all. But I thought he had a beautiful face that looked a little bruised or swollen in an Elvis/Brando way. I really enjoyed looking at him. It was nice.
The act before the Betties was pretty grating on my ears and my eardrums started to hurt. Punk is just not my scene. But it made for some good people watching. The band didn't come on until after midnight and by that point I was a little tired and my ears were feeling swollen. I stayed until around 1:30 AM and then headed back to my neighborhood.
When I was almost home, I decided to stop into Cheers. I was surprised to see TT there. He was there with a group of his friends, two of whom are semi-regulars at Cheers, and so I already knew them.
"It's Hyde, back from the dead!" BarMan announced as I came in. PumpedUp asked if I was drinking. One of the Colombians was back tending bar for the summer. I settled in at TT's table with a diet coke. A really gross guy was coming onto me.
"So what happened to all that wild sex we used to have in the back alley?" he asked.
I just looked at him. Alcohol does funny things to people.
TT looked startled at my arrival.
"I was going to call you," he stammered. "I was going to call, but I figured you wouldn't be around."
He was slurring his words a bit. He was clearly drunk.
"That's okay," I smiled.
"I wanted to do that Evanescence song with you," he said. "I even told my friends, right guys?" he said, gesturing towards them with his beer.
He was leaning across me and being a little physical. He got me a soda. Then, at some point, I didn't see where he went. When he finally reemerged, it turns out he had been outside with one of his "friends" while she was smoking.
Interesting... I thought.
Then, when they were back inside, she started rubbing his leg. It was clear they were together... or if not "together" together then at least on a date. No wonder TT was acting strange and flustered. I decided not to stick around too long. If he was on a date, I certainly didn't want to get in the way of it.
When I left, he and the girl were outside smoking again.
"It was really nice meeting you!" she said in a chipper tone.
"Yeah, you too."
TT looked uncomfortable. I smiled at them both and spun on my heels towards home.
When I got back to my place, I couldn't sleep, so I watched American Psycho which I had saved on the DVR. It freaked me out and made me think about FightingMensch and his world. There was no way I could fall asleep after the movie. Every time I shut the light, I thought I saw a naked Christian Bale lurking in the shadows with a chain saw. It was seriously scaring me. I had to fall asleep with the lights on and sleep didn't come until around 5:00 AM.
This morning I woke up at 9:30, as B was due to meet me for brunch after he got through with church. We went for Filipino food and I had my favorite Pinoy breakfast-- tapsilog. I played him the tape from my most recent voice lesson. Afterwards we sat in Starbucks and talked about the difficulties of living a "spiritual life"-- again, something for a later post.
For most of the rest of today I tried, unsuccessfully, to nap. I'm thinking of Narc... of course I am, but I'm not sure quite what my thoughts are. I'm feeling something, but nothing, and I can't articulate any of it. Slope called me in the afternoon. She doesn't want to come back to our "home group" because of some gossip spreading around about her. I don't blame her. She switched sponsors. She's not ready to give up her self-destructive behavior when it comes to men. I totally identified. Then I got dressed for the meeting.
I had been asked to lead tonight's meeting and it all went really well. I felt good about it. When I got home, I talked to Hammer who was feeling saaad that the Alaskan had left town.
"Guess what?" she said to me.
"What?"
"Guess who I saw on Bleeker and Sixth?"
"Don't tell me... who?"
"Double-T! And he was with some girl."
Fucking unbelievable, right??? What is it with Bleeker and Sixth? First Brick and Narc... now Double-T. A lot of strange things have been happening these days.
I want to hold myself to a higher standard. So... why am I still entertaining thoughts of Narc?
love,
h
The last time I wrote I was about to take off for the "Dead Betties" concert with my friends "A" and Pixie. We met in the East Village and grabbed a bite to eat in the diner. A is going through his first "sober" relationship and had quite a few words of wisdom for me. A post about relationships in sobriety may be forthcoming.
The show was down on the Lower East Side at a place called "The Cake Shop," not far from NDN's favorite-- Congee Village. We got there relatively early-- early enough that there was an open bar going. All three of us are alcoholics with relatively new sobriety so that was kind of rough... at least for me. I could see a certain Mr. "Jack Daniels" winking at me from across the bar. I also saw a really hot guy there... at least I thought so. When I pointed him out to Pixie, she said that he wasn't her type at all. But I thought he had a beautiful face that looked a little bruised or swollen in an Elvis/Brando way. I really enjoyed looking at him. It was nice.
The act before the Betties was pretty grating on my ears and my eardrums started to hurt. Punk is just not my scene. But it made for some good people watching. The band didn't come on until after midnight and by that point I was a little tired and my ears were feeling swollen. I stayed until around 1:30 AM and then headed back to my neighborhood.
When I was almost home, I decided to stop into Cheers. I was surprised to see TT there. He was there with a group of his friends, two of whom are semi-regulars at Cheers, and so I already knew them.
"It's Hyde, back from the dead!" BarMan announced as I came in. PumpedUp asked if I was drinking. One of the Colombians was back tending bar for the summer. I settled in at TT's table with a diet coke. A really gross guy was coming onto me.
"So what happened to all that wild sex we used to have in the back alley?" he asked.
I just looked at him. Alcohol does funny things to people.
TT looked startled at my arrival.
"I was going to call you," he stammered. "I was going to call, but I figured you wouldn't be around."
He was slurring his words a bit. He was clearly drunk.
"That's okay," I smiled.
"I wanted to do that Evanescence song with you," he said. "I even told my friends, right guys?" he said, gesturing towards them with his beer.
He was leaning across me and being a little physical. He got me a soda. Then, at some point, I didn't see where he went. When he finally reemerged, it turns out he had been outside with one of his "friends" while she was smoking.
Interesting... I thought.
Then, when they were back inside, she started rubbing his leg. It was clear they were together... or if not "together" together then at least on a date. No wonder TT was acting strange and flustered. I decided not to stick around too long. If he was on a date, I certainly didn't want to get in the way of it.
When I left, he and the girl were outside smoking again.
"It was really nice meeting you!" she said in a chipper tone.
"Yeah, you too."
TT looked uncomfortable. I smiled at them both and spun on my heels towards home.
When I got back to my place, I couldn't sleep, so I watched American Psycho which I had saved on the DVR. It freaked me out and made me think about FightingMensch and his world. There was no way I could fall asleep after the movie. Every time I shut the light, I thought I saw a naked Christian Bale lurking in the shadows with a chain saw. It was seriously scaring me. I had to fall asleep with the lights on and sleep didn't come until around 5:00 AM.
This morning I woke up at 9:30, as B was due to meet me for brunch after he got through with church. We went for Filipino food and I had my favorite Pinoy breakfast-- tapsilog. I played him the tape from my most recent voice lesson. Afterwards we sat in Starbucks and talked about the difficulties of living a "spiritual life"-- again, something for a later post.
For most of the rest of today I tried, unsuccessfully, to nap. I'm thinking of Narc... of course I am, but I'm not sure quite what my thoughts are. I'm feeling something, but nothing, and I can't articulate any of it. Slope called me in the afternoon. She doesn't want to come back to our "home group" because of some gossip spreading around about her. I don't blame her. She switched sponsors. She's not ready to give up her self-destructive behavior when it comes to men. I totally identified. Then I got dressed for the meeting.
I had been asked to lead tonight's meeting and it all went really well. I felt good about it. When I got home, I talked to Hammer who was feeling saaad that the Alaskan had left town.
"Guess what?" she said to me.
"What?"
"Guess who I saw on Bleeker and Sixth?"
"Don't tell me... who?"
"Double-T! And he was with some girl."
Fucking unbelievable, right??? What is it with Bleeker and Sixth? First Brick and Narc... now Double-T. A lot of strange things have been happening these days.
I want to hold myself to a higher standard. So... why am I still entertaining thoughts of Narc?
love,
h
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