"You love until you don't"

Well, life is just rolling along. (As is my CD transfer... I'm now about to do Wagner's entire Ring cycle...)

Yesterday in class, a really annoying student kept trying to argue with me that Nietzsche was an anti-Semite.

Tonight Narc and I are going to hear Britta Phillips in concert at the Zipper Factory. I'm excited because she did the voice of "Jem" in Jem & the Holograms. I'm not familiar with her stuff otherwise. Narc got us the tickets a few weeks ago.

Things with Narc are weird. He hasn't had a drink in a few weeks and I feel like things have gotten routine between us because of it. It's not exactly passion-less, but it kind of is. How the hell did that happen? I keep thinking of that Regina Spektor song-- "You love until you don't." Maybe it's as simple as that. He's having a lot of post-acute withdrawal symptoms and actually acknowledged that he's feeling it.

Yesterday we went to go see the Batman movie in IMAX in the morning. Afterwards, after his doctor appointment, we ate lunch in the West Village. For some reason, I found myself being passive aggressive and bringing up things that happened three years ago. When I realized what I was doing, I apologized for it.

"I don't mean to be dragging up unpleasant things from the past," I said. "I guess I just have really unresolved feelings about it."

"I don't even remember any of that," he said nonchalantly. "It must have effected you a lot more than it effected me. So sensitive, Hyde!"

He said it in a way that was meant to diminish what I felt.

"Sensitive? I don't think so," I said. "I practically had to numb myself out to put up with all of it. In fact, I had very little emotional reaction given the massive amount of emotional pain that I was in."

The subject of the Exhibitionist came up.

"Being mad at her is like being mad about a discarded napkin," he said. "She's nothing..."

"I'm not mad at her," I said. "I'm mad at you, I guess. I think I'm just really mad at you. I was in a lot of pain. And I'm not quite sure how to deal with it."

He didn't answer, but looked uncomfortable.

"There's no point in doing this right now, though," I said. "I'm just sorry if I was being passive aggressive."

I don't know why I am starting to feel things only now. I don't know why I don't feel passion for him right now. I don't know what to make of any of it, except that "you love until you don't."

Anyway, tomorrow afternoon we're supposed to get lunch at the Cafe Sabarsky. Hammer and I had always said we would eat there together, but I doubt that's ever going to happen at this point. I haven't talked to her in months.

This weekend I have another baby shower to attend and then I'm off to Stonybrook for GoldenFinch's 30th birthday.

As for this afternoon, I have to go make some photocopies and then teach a class on late-19th century sociology before the concert.

So... I'm off to keep rolling...

-h-