The Beach Bum

I'm still here... apparently just a lot less inspired to blog. I've been busy... I spent most of the week that I last posted with Narc. We went grocery shopping at the new "Whole Foods" that opened in Tribeca and experimented with his George Foreman grill. I ended up seeing the Exhibitionist again later that weekend again. She "dropped by" his place while I was there, going on and on about how she had just broken up with her 50-something, rich, producer boyfriend.

"I blew it!" she said. "The huge loft apartment, the shopping, the trips..."

Then she and Narc went on a bit about how in your 20's, women have all the power but once you're in your 30's and beyond, men have all the power. And what are relationships? An exchange of sex for cash. I hate when Narc gets into that line of thinking, and I usually argue with him. But with the Exhibitionist, I see where he gets it. She IS like that. I just kept my mouth shut for the most part and tried not to puke.

That weekend I went to Long Island on Saturday for my cousin's 1-year-old birthday party and then came back to the city to attend a pre-Bastille Day party hosted by my friend NV. NDN and his girlfriend, Tamika were there. NDN was trying very hard to make some new friends.

(The "e" is sticking on my laptop as I'm trying to write this and it's realllly annoying!)

Anyway, I continued to spend nearly all my free time with Narc until Tuesday when his ex-girlfriend arrived from New Orleans. I have been feeling very lonely and existentially out of sorts lately. Of all people, I called Narc to talk about it on Sunday night.

"I think I just want a boyfriend," I told him.

I don't know why I went to him. Maybe I feel like there's no one else there sometimes.

On Wednesday I chopped off my hair. It was really damaged and I've been avoiding this moment for as long as possible, but in the end, if I want my healthy thick long hair back, I have to retire my flat-iron and start over. I still can't quite get used to it, but whatever...

For most of the week, I slaved away writing lectures for my class. On Thursday I was on my way to the school where I used to teach to clean out my office, when I got a phone call. It was a guy from AA who has a crush on me. I picked up on that a few months ago, but we've only had a few conversations. Once he sent me a really cute text that I looked "pretty" at a meeting. It turns out he's taking a class at the same college where I'm teaching this summer. We're both there at the same time on most weeknights. He asked if I wanted to get coffee or dinner after class.

"Sure!" I said.

But when we hung up, I thought about how nervous he had sounded on the phone and realized that it was probably a date.

It was... But I tried to keep it casual by suggesting a diner and immediately grabbing the tab to pay half. We didn't have that much to talk about until we got on the subject of our old-ways. He told me about all of the psychedelic drugs he did. Anyway, afterwards, we awkwardly parted ways on the street corner. I know you're probably thinking that I should give this guy a chance, but I'm not attracted to him... at least not right now.

Narc had sent me a text that his ex was going to stay with some other friends that night. He asked if I wanted to come down (and bring him Mint Milano cookies!). I went over there.

While I was on the phone with my mom trying to arrange a train-pickup for the next day, someone beeped into my phone on call waiting. It was the guy with whom I had been on the date/non-date.

"What's up?"

"Um... I just wanted to call to tell you something," he said.

"What?"

"Well... um... I was thinking and... Well... I really should have paid the whole bill. I mean, I regret that I didn't do that; I mean, I don't know why I didn't do that..."

I felt really bad at that point, for whatever part I was playing in all this.

"Don't worry about it!" I said, continuing the confusion for him. "It's not a big deal. I had fun. I'll talk to you later."

Basically, I got through that conversation ASAP.

As for this weekend-- I went to the beach every day.

On Friday I went out to Long Island with my mom and LilSis. We went to ToBay and ate crab cakes and I started reading Anna Karenina. I absolutely love it. Liu promised I would. Why, on Earth, haven't I read it before now???

On the train back to the city, I was completely overwhelmed by the crowds headed to the Billy Joel concert. I have been so sick of the crowds in this city lately... too many people! I feel like my old irritable self, when I used to go around quoting "No Exit" and stepping on people's toes. I think it may be because I've hardly been going to meetings since this new class started. I mean, don't get me wrong-- I absolutely love New York. But even the best of friends can sometimes be on bad terms.

I went right to AA from the train, still full of beach grime, only stopping for some Pinkberry and to pick up some corn on the cob for my friend Drew's barbecue after the meeting. The guy with whom I had the date was there, and I said hello to him, but after that we barely said two words.

Drew is house-sitting for her boss' friend-- an absolutely awesome triplex on the Upper West Side. There was a little backyard, bohemian floor tiles, two enormous cats and a Scottish Terrier-- supposedly the brother of George Bush's dog. StarGazer came with her boyfriend, and it was nice to finally get to meet him. Pixie was there too, and a number of new girls, many of whom are counting days.

I left there sometime after midnight. TT had texted me that he was at Cheers, so I decided to poke my head in. On my way out of the cab, I encountered a drunk guy and two girls waiting to get in. It was none other than KHill. Weird. I said hi to him and he nearly didn't recognize me. ThursdayGirl was there and was raving about how good I look. (New haircut and all!) I have to say-- it feels good to go back to a place where I was rock bottom and so fucking crazy and to have them acknowledge the change. Somehow it makes the enormity of it all so much more real to me.

I stayed out that night until after 3:00 AM and on Saturday got up to head out to Brighton Beach to meet Anxious, who is back in town for the summer. (In case you forgot, about six months ago, she moved to LA to do a PhD program in Spanish language and lit). NDN and Tamika stopped by in the morning and brought me a coffee.

The train took a while to get all the way out to Brighton Beach and the crowds were thick. I hated all the people around me again. Plus it was so fucking hot out!! But once I got there and felt the breeze off the water, and heard the rhythm of the sea, it was all OK.

Anxious and BulgarianGuy and I ate lunch on the boardwalk before he took off and we moved down onto the sand. I tried to take a dip in the water, but I saw some jellyfish and got scared. Mostly, we just sat on the beach and talked and talked. We've been friends for over ten years. I sometimes forget how good it feels just to talk to someone who knows you without having to explain anything.

On Saturday night, I went straight from the beach to Benihana in Midtown for my friend AGrub's birthday dinner. AGrub is really BigSis' friend, so she and Bro-in-Law were there. (So was her friend, English, who I haven't seen in a while). BigSis is really starting to get big with her pregnancy. I'm so excited for my niece!!

On our way out of the restaurant a somewhat drunk and slightly belligerent Tracy Morgan bumped into us on his way in. That was kind of strange...

In any case, I went home to shower and change after that. And at around 12:45 AM, I went back out to meet NDN and Tamika who were at a party for her friend at a nearby bar. The crowds outside the bar were really annoying though. The line to get in was long and the people were drunk. I didn't want to be there, so I just left.

I was feeling restless though, and really irritable. I had gotten dressed to go out and so I wanted to go out and do something, but I didn't want to deal with the crowds at that bar. I started to walk home and passed by "Overlook." So... I decided to go in. In retrospect, it really wasn't a "sober" decision-- especially since I was feeling so moody and disconnected. But that's the very reason why I felt driven away from going home and being cozy. In any case, I didn't want to sit at the bar surrounded by alcohol and people. I don't know what I wanted-- I didn't want to be alone, but I couldn't stand people either.

So... I got a diet coke and took it to a booth in the back of the bar near the pool table. Then I just sipped it and mulled... sipped it and mulled... I was brooding, I guess you could say.

It wasn't long before a really cute, smiling guy found me and asked why I was sitting alone. I started to chat with him. He's from Holland and works for some big bank. His company sent him here for a few months. His companions at the pool table were both Belgian. We probably talked for about 45 minutes before he asked for my number. I didn't feel like myself. I kind of wanted to punch someone in the face. But, I tried to act sane and smiled and gave him my number. I probably won't pick up if he calls.

At around 2:30 AM I excused myself and went home.

This morning I woke up and watched a few episodes of "The Sopranos" (I'm in Season 5) before heading back out into the heat wave and back onto the subway to meet Pixie and a new AA, "Laurie" at Coney Island. More beach time!! I read my book the whole way there on the train and was happy in a simple sort of way. Overall, I had a great day. I'm so glad I went. The sand felt good between my toes, and in the same way it was great to talk to Anxious--an old friend-- it was great to have moments of discovery with these newer friends. After a few hours of surf and sand, we grabbed a slice of pizza and got onto the subway.

I got out at Union Square, said goodbye to the girls and bought Narc a piece of lapis lazuli at one of the flea market stands there. Then I came home, ate my leftover Benihana for dinner and answered some emails. I think I'm going to go to bed early tonight and wake up early tomorrow to get some work done.

So... I'm kind of caught up on my blogging now, right?

Hope you're all well out there!!

lots of love,
h