Working (it) Out

Oh, man! I'm exhausted!! I just started teaching a new class yesterday and it is working me to the bone. I posted my syllabus, as that's pretty much all I've been thinking about this week.

Last week was a tough one. I went through a lot of different emotions, went to a few Al-Anon meetings, was weepy and depressed, skipped out on my camping trip, and fostered resentments at everyone. All the while, I spent every free minute with Narc. He bought "Rock Band" and we made a band called "Ultramarine."

I think that this week, doing work and thinking about ideas are good for me. It makes me "me." I've also been doing a lot of yoga. (Well, not exactly a lot, but at least a lot more...)

Last night Narc and I watched the "Glitter and Gold" episode of Jem and the Holograms. I was entirely shocked to realize that I had whole chunks of dialogue memorized. How could I have retained it from only watching it one time, twenty years ago??

Who knows...

Oh-- I have a little story. The other day as I was arriving at Narc's I saw the Exhibitionist on my way out.

"Exhibitionist!" I called out to her.

She looked really confused.

"I'm Hyde... Narc's friend? How are you?"

"Oh! Oh my god! You lost so much weight!" she said. "You look great."

"Er, um... thanks."

"Not that you looked bad before, but..."

"Yeah, I guess I've been trying to get healthy."

She just kept looking at me as though she were shocked and still off guard. After that we exchanged a few words about Narc, about his health, about the last time he was in the hospital compared to this time, about his new acquisition of Rock Band. It was kind of an awkward conversation. It was also very clear that I had spent a lot of time with him. She hadn't seen him in months.

"Wow, you look great," she repeated several more times, seemingly startled, before taking her leave of me.

When I got upstairs, I told Narc that I had bumped into her. I think he had hoped we would miss each other. I told him about our conversation. A few minutes later, Narc got a text.

"It's the Exhibitionist," he said.

"What did she say?"

"Probably just wants to tell me she bumped into you."

When he opened the text, he wouldn't let me read it.

"What did she say???"

"It's nothing," he said, shaking his head.

"No, really! Tell me!"

It took a little more convincing, but he ultimately showed me the text.

Just bumped into Hyde, she wrote. She looks great. Lost a lot of weight. You should marry that one. She loves you!

Narc was embarrassed, I think, but I just laughed. I don't want to marry him. And I hate her shallow world and her shallow values, that somehow NOW I'm marriage material for him, whereas I wasn't when I weighed more. At the same time, I couldn't help but find myself secretly pleased and feeling somehow vindicated by her comment. And I didn't like that in myself. I don't know what that feeling was all about.

Anyway, I'm too tired to write any more right now. I only wanted to stop by because I miss blogging (sort of) and I wish I had more of an impulse to write right now. I guess I'm just going through something else at the moment-- something that doesn't want to be sorted out on paper. (Or, more precisely... on the computer).

love,
h