It's 8:00 AM and I haven't slept. I got into bed last night at around midnight, but was woken up by a text from Narc.
I don't have it in me to write this post right now.
I went to see him; we talked; he had an answer for my ultimatum. His analyst helped him realize that the "right" thing to do was to continue in his refusal to "commit."
ok.
I told him that it meant that we were over.
We both cried. He, of course, was drunk. Lucky, lucky, to be numb like that. We got into bed. I couldn't stop crying. I was breaking.
"Do you think this is the last conversation we'll ever have?" I asked, in between sobs.
"Of course not, honey," he murmured, half asleep already.
His breathing changed, and so I knew he was asleep. I couldn't stop sobbing. I was choking. I was dying.
So, I got up and left. I wrote him a note telling him that I will always love him. Then I caught a cab and called my mom. I felt a little guilty for waking her like that, but I needed her. We talked for two hours.
She's going to come into the city in a little while. We were supposed to go see La Boheme today, but she thinks I need to go shopping instead.
I only got two hours of sleep last night. Hope the red bull doesn't burn my stomach out today. I can't even begin to process this-- to think about what it all means.
Cherubino is on her way here now.
But the bottom line? Here's where it ends with me and Narc. This is how it all turned out. It was a beautiful love affair. Now it's wrapped (as he likes to say).
I don't want to think about him, hear about him or talk about him right now.
I may not be back to write for a little while.
love,
h
3 comments:
First, as a long time reader of your blogs, I have to thank you for writing...it is compelling and addictive. I have read all your blogs (the ghost stuff too) and, as someone looking in from the outside, I think the best way for you to move on from E is to find someone new. That is how you seemed to get over B. I remember your posts about B right up until you met E. You wrote about being miserable that you were not together anymore. Then, you met E and he became your focus. Reread them and you will see how sad you appeared to be on the blog about B. Try jdate, match--I know so many people who met someone great that way. Do something to turn the page; otherwise, in all honesty, you will end up back with E. I have read "It's over" at least a dozen times on this blog before and you always go back. In fact, wasn't "hyderesurrected" a result of ending things with him and starting fresh? I only write this to try and help, so please do not be offended.
Anonymous-- who are you?? Obviously I know you in person, but who?
-h-
I'm just an avid reader of the blog. My advice is only someone looking in from the outside.
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