Check

Yesterday was a big day-- VJ had a baby! And Meema had her 2-year anniversary. I spent the day shopping for Summer dresses. I bought a few things at H&M and the Gap.

On Sunday night I met up with the Stallion-- he was in town visiting. We met at Union Square, ate at Saigon Grill, walked through Washington Square Park and ended up at the Fat Black Pussycat. He really wanted me to have him back to my place, but I couldn't/wouldn't do it.

Afterwards I went down to see Narc and felt a lot better. He was at Cercle Rouge and he was drunk. We made out in the street, in a doorway. Back at his place, we played Wii golf and he made me an avatar with blue eyeshadow. He told me that he loves me.

I can't hear anything anymore.

We spent the day together on Monday and then I went to a yoga class. Afterwards, Narc and I ate dinner at a nearby pub and then played Guitar Hero into the wee hours of the night.

Tonight I have my flamenco class. I'm getting my hair highlighted tomorrow. My hair grows so slowly, it's frustrating. I wish it were as long as it used to be.

Anyway, that's it for now... just a quick check in...

love,
h

Shea Stadium

1. I had acupuncture this week.
2. I had many revelations while talking to my sponsor.
3. I saw Narc again and am still confused about our relationship/non-relationship.
4. I went to a SLAA meeting (and saw someone I knew).
5. I just got back from my family's place for Passover.
   

On the train to Long Island, I passed Shea Stadium. They are building a new stadium right next to the old one. (The new one is called "Citifield" I think).

Right now, the two stadiums are standing next to each other-- the old one and the new, not quite finished. They are crowding that space. There is no room or need for two stadiums. But the old can't quite be demolished just yet. That's kind of how I feel about my life right now-- about myself.



Anyway, I've also been giving a lot of thought to the purpose of this blog.

I tried on my high school graduation dress tonight. It fits me again.

BigSis and Bro-in-Law decided on a name for their baby, but I'm going to keep quiet about it for the time being.

That's it for now.

love,
h

Fontainebleau!

(su voi schiude il pensier i vanni!)

Feeling good for once... So, I thought I'd post to keep this blog from being all gloom and doom!

I just ate an orange and I'm tired in a good way. Today was a good day. The weather was gorgeous, I got to go to therapy (which I wait for every week!), I got a pedicure and then as a nice surprise, met B for lunch.

After lunch with B, I went over to my voice lesson, where I saw Cherubino for a few minutes, and then had a kick ass lesson. I had been sort of hating the aria I'm working on-- Tu che le vanita from "Don Carlo." But today I loved it! I totally get it on an emotional level. In fact, even though it's Elizabeth Valois singing about her homeland in France and her love for her stepson, I could totally relate.

After that, I called a new woman that I met at AA on Monday-- the meeting I spoke at-- and we had a really nice chat. She made a suggestion to me (one still to personal to write about just yet), but it gave me something to think about.

Then I ordered in some takeout, watched an episode of One Life to Live (Todd is being deliciously maniacal these days!) and then I got dressed for my latest adventure-- Flamenco classes. I signed up for a five week workshop at a dance studio in Times Square.

The class was awesome. I'm sure I'll have more to say about it in the coming weeks, but I don't feel like processing anything right now.

Then I chatted with my mom and ate the aforementioned orange.

So... Narc ignored my text today. So... I'm anxious. So... what? So what? It's out of my control. My therapist thinks I need to accept feeling my feelings.

And overall, I have to say-- I have a pretty interesting and blessed life.

So... that's it for now. Perhaps I'll be back with more tomorrow.

love,
h

Nausea

So, I'm back in my office, in between classes-- the only place I seem to want to sit down and blog these days. I had a busy weekend. (Maybe it wasn't busy... maybe it only seemed that way).

On Thursday night I was anxious and depressed because I knew that Narc was out with friends, including LA-Girl. I texted him and he never texted me back. I know he went to some movie premiere and I'm pretty sure he brought her. So-- even if he's not fucking her, he's still kind of dating her.

I woke up on Friday feeling pissed off. I went to the history department lounge to get some work done and B came and met me there. I barely got any work done even though I was there all day. My brain just doesn't want to wrap itself around this paper!! Narc texted me at around noon, something like "Dying... need Gatorade...and Hyde!" But I was angry, so I ignored it. I didn't write back until several hours later, telling him that I was in the library. He said to call when I got out.

When I did call, I heard sirens in the background.

"Where are you?" I asked.

"In a cab on my way to you."

"Narc! How did you know I was going to be home? I'm just on my way home now."

"I figured if you weren't home, I'd hang out at Cheers and wait for you," he said.

I thought it was kind of pushy.

Anyway, we got to my place at around the same time. Then we headed out to a local pub to get dinner and he had a few drinks. I wanted to check out a piano bar that opened just a few blocks from me, where I know one of the pianists. So, we headed over there at around 11:00 or so.

There were hardly any people there-- me, Narc and a handful of others, so the pianist kept calling me up to sing solo numbers and it was nice because it boosted my self-esteem, getting to sing in front of people to floods of compliments. I think Narc had fun too. He was acting sweet and I felt really close to him. After I sang one song, he looked so proud of me that I gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

From there, we went over to Cheers and sang U2's "One" in karaoke. They have some new Friday night karaoke girl, but BarMan was behind the bar. Some girl tried to buy coke off me in line for the bathroom. You should have seen her face when I told her I was "sober." I thought it was really funny.

The next day, we woke up and decided to make a stew in my slow cooker. Narc dubbed it the "Braveheart Stew." It actually came out really good, although it took six hours to cook. It was fun cooking with him. For the rest of the afternoon, I tried to do some school work while he played video games. We named our guitar hero band "Smart Water." (Although, as I pointed out to Bezoukhoff-- perhaps it is evidence of a problem when the only thing we have in common is STILL the type of beverage we like to consume.)

On Saturday night I had to leave for a little while to go to a friend's 1-year of sobriety celebration. Narc stayed behind at my place. We went to bed by 2:00 AM.

On Sunday I was supposed to resume work on my paper, but found myself endlessly procrastinating. We ate leftover stew and watched A Streetcar Named Desire. Narc checked his online banking and started freaking out that of the $5000 he just got at the beginning of the month, only $800 was left. I suspect that wining and dining other women isn't good for his wallet.

He left my place at around 5:30 PM and I felt depressed. I should have gotten some work done, but instead, I watched TV for a few hours before falling asleep. Oh-- and Pixie called and read me a mega-10th step. Our conversation really helped me a lot.

Yesterday was a strange day. I had to speak at an AA meeting downtown in the afternoon. When I got there, I found out it was a topic meeting and quickly had to throw something together. Pixie and StarGazer came to hear me. At the meeting, some 19 year old girl came up and asked me if I was looking for a sponsee. I told her I was and asked her if she wanted to have coffee after the meeting. It was a little disturbing though, as I suspect she has some mental illness other than alcoholism. She said that she only started drinking so that she could join AA. She wanted to make herself into an alcoholic. She also told me that she molested a little girl once and already "made an amends" to that girl's mother. I suspect that she's not an alcoholic at all, but rather, is just seeking attention somehow. If that's the case, I can't help her and to be honest-- don't want to. In any event, I gave her my phone number and invited her to my home group's meeting tonight. I'm not sure that she'll come. I asked my sponsor's sponsor for advice about it and he told me to set very firm boundaries and to ask her to write a detailed first step. If her problem is really other than alcohol, I can refer her elsewhere.

So... after that bizarre coffee date, I went to the library to meet Bezoukhoff. I actually managed to pull my un-gelled ideas together into some kind of basic outline-- enough so that I was able to email my advisor with it today. We stayed in the library until around 6:30. Then we headed downtown for dinner and a movie.

I texted Narc earlier in the afternoon that I would be downtown, if he wanted to meet up later, but to let me know by 10:00. He wrote back that he had Tarot class until 9:00 and might be "working" afterwards. I know that he has seen LA-Girl the past several Mondays and I knew that he was trying to arrange a meeting with her again. It made me feel sick.

Bezoukhoff and I ate at Isle-- my first meal of the day. Before that, I had been running on three pretzel rods, a red bull, a double espresso and a piece of sugar free gum. (Sorry, NDN!)

The movie was really interesting and definitely worth seeing. It raised questions about the relationship between sexuality and trauma on a culture-wide level, and also about the nature of memory. It left me with a lot to think about.

Afterwards, we walked over to The Tea Spot to process the movie together. We talked about the film for a while and then about history and then about Narc and then about Bezoukhoff's relationship stuff. I have to say-- I was feeling sick again that I hadn't heard from Narc. I was sure he was with LA-Girl.

We stayed there, chatting over tea, until 11:00 PM when the guy behind the counter kicked us out.

My anxiety was mounting and I felt sicker than ever. I really thought I might throw up over it all. I called him and he didn't pick up. I didn't leave a message.

Just five minutes later the phone rang. I was surprised to see that it was him.

"Where are you?" I asked. "It sounds like you're out."

"Yeah-- I'm just in this place downtown. Um... I stopped for a drink and a burger on my way home from my class."

"Downtown where? I'm already in a cab on my way back to midtown."

"I'm actually on Second Avenue."

"How'd you end up there?" I asked. (Knowing, full well, that LA-Girl lives in the East Village).

"I just wandered over here on my way home."

"But your Tarot school is near Penn Station. How did you end up all the way across town when you were on the West Side and you live on the West Side?"

"I don't know... I sometimes like to walk through Union Square to poke through the bookstore."

"Which bookstore?"

Anyway, the conversation went on like that. I felt barely functional on the phone. I contemplated telling him how sick I felt, but I didn't say anything.

"Well, since you're already on your way home, another night then," he said.

I was sure he said that because he was out with her.

"No, I don't mind meeting you where you are," I said.

(Is this a good idea, Hyde? You really aren't feeling well).

"Well, I'm going to get up early," he said.

"I don't mind getting up early! I have to teach tomorrow," I interjected.

I basically left him little choice but to say "fine, come on down here."

When I got there, he was indeed at the bar by himself, but when the bill came it said he had ordered buffalo wings and a burger and three beers. That's a lot for one person to consume alone, but it wasn't clear evidence of two. (I hate that I am thinking this way!!! It's fucked up.)

He looked so tired and so depressed. It was actually a little frightening. I asked what was wrong and he said that his class did another reading for him and they were all badgering him and wouldn't leave him alone and they misrepresented him. When I asked how so, he shrugged it off and wouldn't give me an answer.

We left the bar and stopped at a deli for sandwiches and junk food (a clue that he couldn't have eaten all that, right?) and then went back to his place. We ate, watched the Colbert Report and went to sleep. He didn't sleep well and kept getting up in the night. Then he woke me up this morning at 9:00.

He is trying to get a certain actress to do his film and it turns out that LA-Girl has a friend who knows the actress' agent in London. She set up a phone call for him and I guess he wanted me to leave before he made the call. At least, that's what he said. It seems strange to me, though, and I can't help but think that there's something more going on. He said he might have to go to London in a few days and if he does, that he's going with his friend the Shark. That also sounds suspect. I'm pretty sure he will ask (or has asked) LA-Girl to go with him if he has to go.

Ugh. This is fucking miserable.

Anyway, I left there, came to my office, wrote a quiz, emailed my advisor and now here I am, about to go teach the second round of Fascism and Stalinism.

My class starts in two minutes and I still have to run spellcheck on this thing, so I'll leave it at that.

love,
h

PS: BigSis found out that there's a 90% chance she's having a girl. I am super psyched.

"Conflict is the original meaning of being-for-others"

Thanks, Sartre.

I don't want to be in conflict anymore.

Um... Yeah.

I'm kind of embarrassed to even write this post.

So... I finished off Tuesday rather miserably. I went to AA and tried to be happy, but ended up blabbing to too many people about the nature of my "break-up." Then I went home and in my despair wrote Bezoukhoff a series of absurd texts.

I took a sleeping pill and went to bed at around midnight.

Something opened my eyes at around 4:00 AM. I realized it was a voice mail beeping on my cell phone. I was groggy, but checked the message. Obviously, it was Narc.

Hey Hyde, it's Narc. Um... I'm actually in your 'hood. Uh... I'm right near you. Uh... Yeah-- some talking involved. Anyway, give me a call back. Alright. Bye.

I didn't know what any of that meant, but I heard music in the background, so I figured he was drunk and rolled over to go back to sleep.

Just as I did, the phone rang again.

"What is it?" I asked, still half asleep.

"I love you and I miss you," he said.

"It's only been a day..."

"I want to renegotiate," he said.

"What does that even mean?"

"I think I'm willing to commit. I want to renegotiate and I'm willing to commit."

"What?"

"Let me come and see you, Hyde."

"Are you serious, though? You really want to commit to me?"

"Yes."

"Ok. Come over."

He did. I opened the door still half asleep. I gave him a diet coke and he smoked a cigarette. He said that on Monday after that awful cab ride, when he went to his tarot class, they were studying two cards-- the Lovers and the Chariot.

"We were in that chariot," he said.

"Huh?"

"We were 'the lovers' in that chariot-- that taxi-- the bridge between the material world and the nearest star."

"What are you talking about?"

"Spiritual and material. If the Earth were a grain of sand right here, the sun would be a grapefruit 60 feet away. And the nearest star? As far as LA. Think about it..."

I asked him what all of this meant to him. He said that his tarot teacher did a reading for him about this situation. The card that represented him was the "Four of Wands." The card that represented me was the "Ten of Swords," pulled upside down.






























He explained to me that from his position, he thought that we were fine-- that we were friends and that we were having fun. That was the "top" card, so it was the exterior of our situation. He sees now that for me it was like "sleeping on a bed of nails."

(You only see that NOW? I wanted to shout. Haven't I been telling you for four years that I'm in pain about a lot of this?)

"I'm sorry that I hurt you, Hyde," he said, a single tear rolling down his cheek. "I never meant to hurt you."

It was sweet, I guess, but I couldn't help but think it was all a little theatrical. I think alcoholically and I know what it's like to convince myself of a feeling, even if it's not a deep rooted feeling. I had the sense that he was convincing himself to feel remorse, only for the aesthetic of the scene in which we were suddenly both playing a role.

"I know you didn't hurt me intentionally," I said.

I convinced him to come to bed, as I was drop dead tired (having taken a sleeping pill). I figured the discussion would be more productive in the light of day anyway.

The next morning we had lots and lots of sex and then started to talk. Everything is uglier in the light of day, though.

I asked him to clarify what he meant by "willing to commit."

"I won't sleep with anyone else right now," he said.

"What does 'right now' mean?" I asked.

"Right now means right now! This is what you wanted, Hyde. This is what you asked for and now you have it-- I won't sleep with anyone else, okay?"

"Um... Yeah, but, what does that mean? You won't kiss anyone else?"

"Yes. I won't make out with anyone else."

He looked angry.

"Are you angry with me, Narc?"

"A little," he said, looking away.

"Why??? Don't be mad at me. Can I have a hug?"

He gave me one.

"Just don't push it, Hyde," he said. "You have what you wanted. The more you push it right now, the more I'm getting pissed off."

"I'm not pushing anything!" I insisted. "I'm just trying to clarify."

"I thought I was pretty clear. And to be honest, this is getting more and more repulsive."

"Repulsive? What's repulsive? Making a commitment to me?"

"You giving me an ultimatum," he answered, sourly.

"It's not really an ultimatum, Narc. I'm just saying what I can and can't deal with."

"It is an ultimatum."

"Well, fine!" I exclaimed. "Even if it is, you've been giving me an ultimatum this entire time-- accept things on your terms, or go away."

"I never told you to go away," he said.

"Whatever..."

I was getting dressed, putting on my makeup in the bathroom. He was sitting on my living room couch, staring at the ceiling.

"What are you doing today?" I called over to him.

"Going home; hanging out; waiting for you to get done with your voice lesson. Then you're coming downtown and we're eating dinner at Mai House."

"Uh... okay."

I felt like I had to go have dinner with him at Mai House, even though I had plans for AA that night. "I'm giving you what you asked for!" he said. So, that's it? Now things are back to normal? I owe it to him since he's the one who "conceded?"

Why do I feel like I didn't get what I asked for? Why do I feel like I won nothing at all?

We left my place together, each getting into separate cabs. I headed over to school where I made small talk with Bezoukhoff before therapy.

Therapy was good. When I left I felt clear and strong. I realized that there are certain things that I know that I want. I'm going to list them here:

1. I want to be able to count on uninterrupted sleep so that I can approach my school work with a well rested brain
2. I want to be able to count on a going to bed at a reasonable hour so that I can make plans for the morning, like exercise or breakfast and remember to take my vitamins.
3. I want to devote myself to my scholarly work and to spend more time in the library. I want brain space to think about historical questions in my spare time and to be free of Narc-anxiety.
4. I want to spend enough time in my own apartment that I can make a routine for keeping it neat and orderly.
5. I want to wear something other than black shirts, sneakers and jeans every day-- to feel pretty again and to do my makeup and hair and not always be rolling out of bed at his place, or exhausted at my place, stepping into dirty laundry.
6. I want to feel wanted and to have a good self-esteem.
7. I don't want to be in conflict anymore.
8. (I want a real boyfriend-- a companion.)

Now, the question is-- are those things possible if I don't completely break from Narc? I don't know. A huge piece of me says "no, no they're not." But an equally huge piece of me remembers how miserable I was just 12 hours into a break-up. And I feel guilty, because he said he's giving me what I want. How do I ask for more?

Ugh...

So, for the rest of the day yesterday, I tried to just be myself and stay out of my mind's conflict. I went for a walk with Bezoukhoff; I had a great voice lesson (and loved singing the Aida!); and I had coffee with Cherubino.

And yes-- I had dinner with Narc at Mai House. I told him that I bought the solo version of guitar hero because I figured he wouldn't be coming over anymore. I told him that I had given Cherubino my mermaid tarot to hold onto. He didn't like either of those things. Nothing was normal. It's like a page has been turned and we are in a new chapter that we shouldn't be in.

I don't feel jealous of LA-Girl anymore. He said he won't sleep with her. I just feel tired.

We watched American Idol last night and went to sleep without sex.

It is an absolutely gorgeous day out today. I feel pretty in my clothes and started teaching about Fascism.

VJ is going to have her baby any day now and Hammer just won two great fellowships-- a lot of money to write her dissertation. Three of the five professors I need have agreed to sit on my orals committee.

As for Narc? He's going to see some film preview this evening at Lincoln Square. I have a feeling he's taking LA-Girl, although he didn't tell me that part. I honestly don't care.

I don't want conflict anymore. I don't want to "be for others."

Um... that's it for now. I'm too confused to come up with any formal conclusion or bottom line for this post.

love,
h

Amare et Sapere Vix Deo Conceditur

It hurts.

And I can't breathe.

The Last Drop

Ok, so I'm sure that this is not the last word on Narc forever, but it has to be the last word for now.

Here's what happened next:

I spent the remainder of Sunday on Long Island with my parents. Mid-afternoon, Narc sent me a text: Brett meets the parents...!

Obviously, he was watching Rock of Love.

I didn't answer.

I got back to the city at around 7:00 PM and didn't know quite what to do with myself other than cry. I talked to my sponsor for a while; I tried to finish fixing my iTunes; I took a shower; I crawled into bed exhausted; I sent him a text.

I am back in the city now. Did you want to talk?

Narc: I guess we should, but don't know if I have the energy for an extended phone conversation just now. Been in all day, probably need to get out or what not.

Hyde: Ok. Well have a good night, then.

Narc: Will talk soon.

Hyde: If there's something to say...

Narc: Just need to get some air now.

Hyde: K.

Narc: I guess I just can't believe that you want to end our friendship because I won't committ to you as a traditional boyfriend would...

Hyde: I'm definitely not going to talk about this over text. Will be downtown tomorrow & can meet for lunch or coffee @ 2 if you want to try to discuss one more time. Seems we can't quite understand each other & it may just end up that way-- that you won't understand why I made a bottom line. You know I love you. You have to know that I'm doing my best...

Narc: Have MA at 3 tomorrow, can meet but must be little earlier than 2.

Hyde: Was gonna go to AA til 1:30 in W Vill. Let me check the mtg book and see if I can find an alternate mtg. Will let you know in a few min.

Ok. There's a 3:15 mtg in midtown I can make. In that case, can meet you at 12:30. Where should we meet?

Narc: Not sure, few options. Will think about it and call tomorrow.

Hyde: Ok. But we're on for 12:30 for sure?

Narc: Yes.

Hyde: K. Have a good night. Hope getting some air helps. I'm gonna catch up with Rock of Love...

Narc: Staying in after all. "Tudors" then sleep early.

Hyde: I'm exhausted too. If I can stay awake to get in the Tudors after this, it'll be a miracle. Enjoy. :)

I don't know how I slept.

The next morning, I woke up, put on something pretty (including some dramatic makeup), and headed downtown to meet Hammer and LilHammer for brunch in the West Village. LilHammer is here visiting for a few days. It was my first chance to see Hammer's engagement ring, which I have to say is absolutely gorgeous. It was nice to chat with the girls and to just feel a little sane for a little while. (Is temporary sanity too much to ask for?) Hammer asked me what I'm going to do differently this time around with this breakup. I still have to think about that, but the primary difference is that I can no longer stand the conditions of my relationship with him. In the past, I've always had a little juice left in me.

Anyway, after brunch at the Cafe Henri, I went back with the Hammer sisters to Hammer's apartment. We said hi to the Alaskan and bummed around there for a while. I was starting to get anxious, as I hadn't yet heard from Narc. I sent him a text asking "Where to?"

He called me at about 12:10. His voice was low and thick (and I loved it). He sounded a little sick though.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"Yeah... I just haven't spoken to anyone in two days and I just got up, so I guess my voice hasn't warmed up yet."

"Oh."

We made a plan to meet at Yaffa's at 12:45. I got there first and smoked a cigarette outside. The front entrance was sort of roped off, as they were repaving the sidewalk or something. I saw him coming from about a block away. His hands were pressed against his sides stiffly. His hair was rumpled. My stomach was flipping over.

"Oh, is it open?" he asked.

"Yeah. We just have to go around."

I could barely look him in the eye.

We took two seats at the bar. The bartender knew him and asked him when he was going to LA.

"Oh, I decided to stay here another year," he half-laughed.

"I saw James' two babies," she said. "They're absolutely beautiful!"

Narc made chit chat with her for a few more minutes. I felt dead inside. I hadn't been to Yaffa's in a long time. We used to go there all the time in the Summer of 2005. It was a Sunday night spot.

I don't remember how the conversation got started. I ordered some tiny grilled shrimp appetizer because Narc told me it was good. I can't rehash everything that was said. We talked for a very, very long time.

It was the first time that the truth was on the table and both of us were sober and ready to hear it.

I told him my experience of our relationship-- starting with the days when he wouldn't even take me to brunch. I told him it made me feel like a whore.

"Maybe I was just tired and didn't want to get up," he said.

"It was disrespectful. It hurt."

I told him that it hurt when he never invited me out with his friends. I went through every girl that's ever floated around in our orbit. Even when he came back from Europe in '05 and brought everyone souvenirs and showed them to me, but brought nothing for me. I reminded him how at that very bar in Yaffa's that he told that woman that he "met me a year ago, had a couple of one night stands with me and got me pregnant."

"It hurt!!"

"We weren't supposed to get this involved," he said. "It felt weird to cross over our lives too much. If we act 'together' when we're together, it couldn't be that way with my other friends."

"Yeah, but just keeping the label off it doesn't change the relationship," I explained. "You are still just like a boyfriend to me. I see you almost every day. We have sex. We tell each other that we love each other. By not giving it a label or a commitment, all you do is deny my reality or disrespect me or hurt me."

"You didn't invite me out with your friends either," he said.

I insisted he was wrong and pointed out that he was invited to my party the very first year that I knew him, in 2004.

"I don't remember that. Maybe I was out of town," he said.

"No, you weren't. You were at some friend's thing up in Carnegie Hill and you said you'd stop by on your way home, but you never did."

"I'm not the historian like you, Hyde."

"That's not the point. None of this matters anymore," I said. "I'm just trying to tell you that I've been stretched very thin for a very long time now and I've finally broken. This thing with LA-Girl was the straw that broke the camel's back."

"Funny, considering there's nothing going on there," he answered.

"Funny that you think I'm so dramatic when I've held everything in for so long. When I used to drink, I could drown it away until every now and then it would erupt and I'd go running out of the Patriot crying about something. I don't know what to do with my feelings now. I have nowhere to put them. I'm done."

"I've spent my entire life in pain," he said. "I've been in love with friends countless times and still not abandoned the friendship."

"Maybe I'm too healthy for that now, Narc. Besides, this is not just me having a crush on a friend. You're not just a friend. You've been my lover for years. You tell me that you love me. I love you so intensely, I can't tell you..."

We started to talk about the nature of pain and people's capacity for pain. He took out a napkin and made some point about how if one's capacity for pain was the size of the napkin, removing something painful would make no difference, as something else would just fill up the space.

"That's not my experience," I said. "I've been working so hard to get my life to where I want it to be-- I got sober, I lost so much weight, I'm starting to feel good about myself. I have eliminated pain. My napkin has shrunk."

"That's not how it works, Hyde."

(Was this an argument for why I should stay in a painful situation?)

"In my experience, it is."

"Maybe you're doing this now because you have gotten sober and lost the weight. Maybe that's why you want to move on," he said.

"I don't know," I sighed.

That thought made me feel very confused and very guilty, I don't know why.

The conversation moved in a few different directions after that. I asked him why we couldn't be together.

"And don't give me some bullshit answer like you always do-- that I drink too much, or my house is too messy, or you didn't know I was available, or you're not the knight that I deserve, or I'm not in film. I mean, come on! It's laughable, Narc!"

"Those aren't really the reasons," he admitted. "Those aren't deal-breakers."

"I know that. So, what is it??"

"I don't know... it's not the kind of passion that I am waiting for."

"You don't think we have passion?"

"Yes, but... I'm comfortable with you Hyde."

"Really? I'm not comfortable with you."

"Well, I am... And I want to feel that super intense passion. You don't make me feel like I have to rise to an occasion."

"You and I have very different ideas about love, Narc."

"What is love, if not that feeling?" he asked.

"In my experience, that feeling doesn't last. Love for me is a really deeply rooted care for another person, wanting to take care of that person, wanting to be with that person all the time, a spiritual connection and a physical attraction. That's it."

"Then don't you love all your friends?"

"No. I don't feel like that for all my friends!" I laughed. "I only feel like that about you."

He didn't answer.

I kind of couldn't believe that he said that. In my experience, all we had was passion. In my experience, the passion and the insane attraction was the core of the relationship.

"I don't want to push you into a relationship-- into anything, Narc. I just didn't want us to stop seeing each other."

"I don't want that either," he interjected.

"I know. So, I was just trying to find a way to make it doable. I was just trying to figure something out that would give me some peace of mind. I can't go on feeling anxious and insecure and sick all the time. It's interfering with every other area of my life. It's self-destructive. I just thought that a commitment in the here and now might make it possible for me to stay."

"I just wish you wouldn't go, on the one in ten thousand chance that I might start seeing someone else! Or sleep with someone else!"

"Well, I just wish you wouldn't let me go, on the one in ten thousand chance that you might sleep with someone else..."

We talked for a while longer, but the conversation really got us nowhere. It was nearing the hour of departure. I wanted to touch him. I put my hand on his knee.

"Can I have a hug?" I asked.

"Sure."

I stood up off my bar stool and leaned into him and buried my face in him. He held me so tightly for a long time. Then the waitress brought the check.

"What time do you have to be at Martial Arts, again?"

"3:00."

"Hmm..." I smiled.

"What's so funny."

"No-- I was just going to say something, but I shouldn't."

"What?"

"I don't know, Narc."

"What is it?"

"Well... do you want to go back to your place and have sex one last time?"

(I couldn't believe I just said that).

"Do you think that's a good idea?" he asked.

"I think it's a great idea."

"Um... Well, yeah, sure. Ok."

We paid the check and walked outside. I lit his cigarette. Neither of us said much on the walk home, except that he pointed out the doctor's office where his blood clot was misdiagnosed a few years ago.

Back at his place, I sat on the couch and unlaced my boots. He drank some Gatorade out of the fridge and then walked into his bedroom and started to undress. I followed him.

They're not kidding, what they say about "breakup sex." It was absolutely insane. So much joy and so much pain at the same time.

We lay in bed for a while after that.

"I don't want this moment to ever end," I said.

"Shh... We have a while longer."

Then we had sex again. Obviously, he skipped his Martial Arts and I skipped AA.

After a little while, Narc got up and said he had something for me. I've been asking for some of his photos for a while (he has taken some really gorgeous landscape pictures) and he tried to print out two of them for me-- a sunrise and a sunset. But the printer wouldn't print the photos exactly right, as they kept coming out with borders. Eventually he just emailed me the files so I can get it done at Kinkos. But he gave me two 8x10 frames for them. I was starting to feel my panic rise as the clock ticked. I was starting to get weepy.

"Narc, I'm sad," I said.

"I'm sad too," he answered, not looking at me.

"Narc..."

"Hyde..."

I swallowed hard.

"We won't get to watch the rest of Jem together," he said.

"Or Lost," I added.

"Or Idol."

"Or Rock of Love."

"Or get tickets to Colbert together. So much for all our plans!" he laughed.

In the bathroom, my toothbrush was back under the sink.

"I've been demoted?" I laughed.

"Well, you said it was over."

"Are you going to throw my toothbrush away?"

"Yeah... well, do you want it?"

"No. I just don't want you to throw it away."

"I don't save stuff like you do, Hyde."

"I know, but..."

The tears were welling up again.

"I'll leave it under there for a little while," he said.

He jumped in the shower and then got dressed for his Tarot class. I had a can of red bull in my bag.

"Do you want it?" I asked. "One more can from your red bull fairy?"

"Ok," he extended his hand.

"If you ever need me, you can call me," I said.

He didn't answer.

"I mean-- if there's ever an emergency, if you're sick, or it's an emotional emergency or something-- I still love you. I'm still your friend."

"Hopefully there won't be any emergencies, Hyde."

I re-laced my boots. I thought I might die.

"Wear your scarf. It's windy," I said.

The door closed behind us.

They are putting scaffolding up in front of his building. And they added a new sliding door between the elevators and his lobby. I felt sick.

We had to wait a while for a cab. I clutched onto his arm.

That cab ride was one of the worst moments of my life. It was a true NY breakup though-- the back seat of a cab. I grasped on to the edge of his sleeve. He took my hand and held it hard. My whole body was shaking and there were tears rolling down my cheeks.

"The Millionaire Matchmaker," I said, pointing to the advertisement plastered across a passing bus.

"Yeah, I don't remember any of those people on the show, though," he said.

We were creeping towards his stop-- 30th and 6th.

"Narc, what if I can't do it?"

"Can't do what?"

"What if I can't be without you? What if I feel sick?"

"I thought you felt sick with me," he said quietly.

"I do. Sick with you and sick without you. What if I don't want to stick to this. Would you be mad if I called you?"

"Of course I won't be mad. You can call me whenever."

I started to cry harder. He squeezed my hand. We got to the corner where he had to get out. I couldn't breathe. He opened the door, his hand still in mine. I didn't want to let go of him.

"I love you," I said.

"I love you too, honey."

I started to cry even harder, my chest heaving.

"I love you," he repeated. "Just try this for a little while, okay? Just see how it feels..."

He pulled his hand away from mine and got out of the car. As he did, I really lost it. I was sobbing uncontrollably. He closed the door and walked away. My eyes followed him out the back window. He didn't look back.

"Where's the next address?" the cab driver asked.

"What?"

"Where to?"

I repeated my address, choking through the sobs. I was annoyed that he didn't remember it from the first time we told him. It felt invasive.

I was supposed to meet Bezoukhoff at my place at 6:00 PM to start watching Schtirlitz. I sent him a text and he was already nearby. Then StarGazer called me while I was still in the cab.

By the time I got to my apartment, I looked like a wreck-- my lavendar sparkling eyes now soupy and bloodshot, the black mascara streaming down my cheeks and drying in pools under my eyes.

"Are you okay?" asked my doorman.

"Yeah. Just a breakup," I said.

I smoked a cigarette and waited for Bezoukhoff to get back from Duane Reade.

I wanted to die.

Bezoukhoff and I went upstairs where I dried my tears and called my sponsor. Then we headed out for Mexican food-- to Mama Mexico where we found brightly colored lights, a mural by Diego Rivera and a live mariachi band. It helped to cheer me up for a while, until I insisted on eating a few bites of flan and felt really sick. (I'm supposed to be avoiding sugar). Guess I'm still plain old self-destructive Hyde.

We wandered back to my place, I sang "On my own" and cried some more and then we watched the first episode of Schtirlitz.

Bezoukhoff stayed until around midnight and promised to come back for me in the morning.

I cried myself to sleep.

When I woke up, it was 9:40 and Bezoukhoff had already been waiting downstairs for 10 minutes. Shit. I called him up, threw on some clothes, and we went to sit in the park with our coffee and cigarettes. He is such a true and caring friend. I'm so lucky. We talked for a while before I set off for teaching and he for the library.

And now I'm here at school, just having taught one section on the 1920's. When I taught WWI I was with him. And now, here we are, only in the '20s and he is gone. It's like he is a casualty of the war.

I want to undo this. I want to undo this. I want to undo this.

But I can't. I know I can't take it anymore as it was.

I am in so much pain right now that I am nearly numb. I really want to end things, want oblivion, want him to murder me, want to gut myself like a fish.

I want to be a gutted mermaid.
I want Marie's red necklace from Wozzeck.
I want a way out from feeling anything at all.

But, today I have to teach.

How am I going to do this? I don't remember who I WAS before Narc. How am I supposed to find that girl?

I hate this and I want to die.

I just want him.

I love him so much.

love,
h

The Rest of Yesterday...

Cherubino got to my place at around 9:00 AM. We bought egg, bacon and cheese sandwiches at the deli and watched the bum DVD of our recital again. I tried to eliminate all obvious traces of him in my apartment. My iTunes crashed and my entire library disappeared. That distracted me for a while, trying to recover it. The playlists are gone though-- including his playlists. My higher power at work? I don't like to think so...

My mom got to the apartment just after 12:00 PM. I tried on those vintage dresses I bought on Friday and put on a little fashion show. I was so tired.

Cherubino went home and my mom and I took off for Long Island. She took me shopping at a place near her office in Garden City.

"Break up shopping," she said. "You need a whole new look!"

Shopping is exhausting. It kept me occupied.

At around 5:00 PM we were driving back to my parents house with bags of clothes. My phone buzzed. It was him.

I will always love you too, he wrote. I hate that we can't see each other anymore. Miss you already.

I didn't know how to respond, so I didn't say anything for some time. My mom had to stop at the local pharmacy to pick up something for my stepbrother's leg brace. While we were there I wrote back.

Thank you for saying that. It means so much to me.

Narc: You sure you don't want me to come by?

Hyde: I'm on Long Island till tomorrow. Didn't want to be alone. Love you, but don't know what's left to say between us now. Hasn't it all been said?

Narc: I don't know, I guess... Just wondering if we're really doing the right thing.

Hyde: I don't know, Narc. I only know that I can't go on feeling like I did--how things were. I just can't. What do you think? Maybe space will bring clarity.

Anyway, by that time, we had gotten back to my parents place, and my mom and I were chatting with LilSis in the kitchen-- some drama about my stepfather's ex wife and how she had screamed at LilSis the other day. In the middle of all that, my phone rang. Guess who it was, of all people? The Stallion. Isn't that strange? I hadn't heard from him in months and months-- maybe even a year.

I took the call quickly, but told him that I couldn't talk. He said that he'll be in NY in a few weeks. I told him to call me to catch up at some point, but to be honest, I have nothing to say to him either and no real interest in seeing him.

For the rest of the day, I tried to distract myself. I played the piano for my stepbrother because he loves it. I ate some leftover Chinese food. I tried on my new clothes for LilSis. I was starting to feel better. By 10:00 PM I was dropping dead of exhaustion. I must have fallen asleep at around 10:30.

This morning I woke up and my mom had bagels waiting. She got me a "flagel"-- a very Long Island item--it's a flat bagel designed to be less doughy and I guess save the diner those extra calories. Since then, I've just been hanging out here trying not to think too much about anything. I scheduled in some extra AA meetings this week and also plan to go back to finish up that starter pack of yoga that I never followed through with. Those classes aren't until the week of April 21st though.

Anyway, that's it for now. Not sure if I'll be in the mood to blog or not. Guess I'll just take things as they come.

As for Anonymous' comment on the last post-- I wish I felt ready to date someone else. I just don't.

love,
h

How it all turned out in the end...

It's 8:00 AM and I haven't slept. I got into bed last night at around midnight, but was woken up by a text from Narc.

I don't have it in me to write this post right now.

I went to see him; we talked; he had an answer for my ultimatum. His analyst helped him realize that the "right" thing to do was to continue in his refusal to "commit."

ok.

I told him that it meant that we were over.

We both cried. He, of course, was drunk. Lucky, lucky, to be numb like that. We got into bed. I couldn't stop crying. I was breaking.

"Do you think this is the last conversation we'll ever have?" I asked, in between sobs.

"Of course not, honey," he murmured, half asleep already.

His breathing changed, and so I knew he was asleep. I couldn't stop sobbing. I was choking. I was dying.

So, I got up and left. I wrote him a note telling him that I will always love him. Then I caught a cab and called my mom. I felt a little guilty for waking her like that, but I needed her. We talked for two hours.

She's going to come into the city in a little while. We were supposed to go see La Boheme today, but she thinks I need to go shopping instead.

I only got two hours of sleep last night. Hope the red bull doesn't burn my stomach out today. I can't even begin to process this-- to think about what it all means.

Cherubino is on her way here now.

But the bottom line? Here's where it ends with me and Narc. This is how it all turned out. It was a beautiful love affair. Now it's wrapped (as he likes to say).

I don't want to think about him, hear about him or talk about him right now.

I may not be back to write for a little while.

love,
h

"April is a promise that May is bound to keep"

I feel as though some enormous weight has been lifted. I don't know if anyone will believe me, but I really feel like I'm done with all of this. I'm just done.

Oh, and I wasn't being paranoid on Monday night. He did see her (on the only night of the week that he wasn't with me).

On Tuesday, I had my "long" day. I taught two classes (on the First World War), did a little bit of research for a paper and went to AA. Narc has been waiting for a BitTorrent download of Jem and the Hollograms, and he texted me in the morning that it finally finished. He said that he would wait for me to watch. I texted him later in the afternoon asking how his martial arts class went. He didn't answer.

That left me with a bubble of anxiety in my stomach-- it both made me feel empty and shaky, but full of pressure at the same time. I tried to ignore it. Before AA, some guy was flirting with me. It was kind of nice. After the meeting, I went home, still anxious about everything, as I hadn't heard from Narc. It's not even like I wanted to hear from him or see him; it's just that I couldn't stand the thought of him being out with another girl. Before bed, I talked to StarGazer and then Pixie. Then I took a shower.

Just as I was climbing into bed, my phone buzzed. Narc said he was "wrapping in the West Village" and invited me over to watch Jem. I didn't want to be up super late, but I agreed to go, getting to his place at around 2:00 AM.

Everything seemed "normal."

The next morning, the "normalcy" continued. We had sex, lay in bed talking, and all was well. I couldn't get those racing thoughts out of my head, though-- the ones telling me that it is not okay and that I can't drop the ball on last week's ultimatum. So, I ventured to ask...

"Um... Narc... Have you given any thought to what we talked about last week?"

"Well, yeah, I guess," he answered.

"Do you have an answer for me?"

"Um... no. Well, not really. And to be honest, Hyde, I don't think I'm going to have an answer for you."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I don't know what you want me to say, but I don't want to be boyfriend/girlfriend, and so, I don't have an answer for you."

"If that's the case, then that IS your answer," I replied.

"No, it's not. It doesn't mean that I don't want to see you."

"Yeah, but I can't keep going like this," I said.

He climbed out of bed and moved into his desk chair, leaning forward on his knees. And we continued to talk in circles.

His "argument" (I tried to explain that we weren't "arguing"): We are just having fun together. If we're not going to get married and end up together, then why make a commitment? He loves me, so why do I want to throw everything away on some dumb principle?

I tried to explain how I felt-- that I love him and that it hurts for me to think of him being with other people; that I am giving him everything I would give to a boyfriend, but I am getting none of the security I need in return.

His response: If I were his girlfriend, it would mean vacations and fancy dinners and all that. We're not doing that, so why do I think he's like my boyfriend?

My reply: I don't need vacations or dinners or money or time. I just need commitment.

His answer: If I really love him like I say I do, then I'll just accept him for who he is and accept him how he is, and stop making demands of him that he doesn't want to meet.

My response: I wish I could, but I can't. I just physically can't do it anymore. I asked him if he remembered my panic attack on Saturday night. He did not. I started to cry a little again.

"Maybe I should just eject you from my life then, just like I've had to eject everyone else," he said.

"This is not you ejecting me. This is me walking away because I can't emotionally sustain this!" I insisted.

"I can't believe you're willing to throw away everything we have for this stupid label that you want to put on our relationship!" he exclaimed. "I'm not even dating anyone. There are no other women!"

"I don't want to argue that point again, Narc. I know there's something going on with LA-Girl and I don't want to get into that. I'm not the one throwing everything away. I'm asking you to help me stay. If you can't do that, then you're the one throwing it away."

"But I want to end up with someone in film," he said.

(Ugh!! Back to this!!)

"I don't know what to say to that," I sighed. "But seriously-- none of your previous girlfriends have been in film."

"Yeah, and look how all of that turned out!"

"I don't know, Narc..."

"So, if I'm at Cannes one day and meet some gorgeous French princess who's also a video geek, then I have to come back and break up with you first?" he asked.

"Um... yeah. If you meet the right girl, break up with me and be with her."

"That's ridiculous, Hyde. Won't that just be more painful? So, you're just basically putting off pain for later?"

"Yeah, I guess. But at least I would have some peace of mind right now."

I kept trying to explain to him how hard it is for me to continue to ignore my own feelings. Bottom line-- I will NOT tolerate this situation with LA-Girl. I'm not thinking about the future.

"All of my friends tell me to just drop this and to move on. But I don't want to do that," I said. "I'm hoping that you will tell me something different."

"I guess they're just worried about your feelings, Hyde."

The conversation went on like that for a while. He kept trying to make me seem irrational-- that if he made this commitment that I would get "crazy" and be paranoid if he even looked at another woman.

"That's not what this is about," I kept trying to explain.

Finally, I put it to him plainly:

"Look, Narc. What you have with me has to cost you something. Every relationship costs something. Like I said-- it won't cost you money and it won't cost you time. It will cost you commitment. That's the price."

"It will cost me the possibility of another opportunity if I can't flirt with women, or if I meet someone at a bar, if I can't take her home."

"Yes, I suppose it will. It will cost you opportunity. But, that's the price. I guess you just have to decide if having me in your life is worth it to you."

"I don't know why I'm even bothering to justify myself to you!" he cried. "I could be like James and fuck prostitutes and not even tell you anything!"

"That's not who you are," I said.

"Okay... it's not. But, still..."

I don't remember exactly how that conversation wrapped, but he went into the kitchen and I wiped away my last few tears in bed. He told me that he would be seeing his analyst on Friday and that he would give me an answer after that. Then, we met up on the couch for breakfast (which he prepared) and a mini-marathon of Jem. I felt strong.

I left his place at around 4:00, heading uptown for my voice lesson. Narc told me to text him later. It was an incredible lesson, but quite a workout. I did the whole thing standing on one leg. (Yes, my teacher has some interesting techniques!). Afterwards, I went straight to an AA Big Book meeting.

Perhaps it's God or perhaps it's coincidence, but the topic of that night's meeting? Sexual inventory. Reading through those pages in the book and hearing what other people had to share opened up a whole new level of understanding for me. Perhaps I was only ready to hear it for the first time that night.

We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt?...

In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test-was it selfish or not?

Narc had made me feel "selfish" that afternoon. ("If you really love me like you say, you'd let me be who I am," he said, over and over in my head). But I am NOT being selfish by asking for what I need. I am being selfish if I don't ask for what I need. Every time I ignore my own feelings or my own needs, there is less of me to give to my other friends, to my family, to my students, to my program, to newcomers in AA. Maybe I haven't done much to hurt Narc sexually, but the way that I am managing my sex-life is hurting those who occupy the other places in my life. I am depleting myself and giving myself tunnel-vision, and I've been doing it for a very, very long time. It is selfish of me when I DON'T demand what I need and when I don't stick up for myself in this relationship.

I left the meeting with a new perspective, feeling much stronger. Yes, I called Narc on my way home. But in my mind, for the first time, I felt at peace with the idea that I might be "done" with him. Part of me wants him to come back and tell me that he can't do it-- that he can't make the commitment. Then, I can walk away from it all. If he comes back to me and tells me that he will be my boyfriend, I have to ask myself if I even want a boyfriend who had to be pushed into the relationship that way... In any case, I am ready to have this gone from my life. I don't even feel all that scared anymore. Maybe this feeling is fleeting. Maybe it will be gone in the blink of an eye. But, I know that it is here right now. And so, I know that it is possible.

I was on the phone with Narc when I swung back into my building. We were negotiating where to have dinner. My super was at the door. I ended up telling Narc to come up to my place and we'd figure it out there. Back at home, I popped in the DVD of Sunday night's recital. Unfortunately, it was skipping all over the place, so I couldn't really get a sense of my performance. I have to get another copy.

Narc called at around 9:30 and told me he was outside my building. Nearly 10 minutes passed, and he hadn't buzzed up. It turns out that my super caught hold of him in the lobby and started asking him all sorts of questions-- first joking about where we were going out to eat (having eavesdropped on my earlier phone call) and then asking him where he went to college, what he studied, what kind of music he was into, etc. Very strange...

Narc and I ended up ordering in Thai food and watching American Idol. My mom called at one point and I answered the phone. She started asking me about how much weight I've lost and what I weigh right now.

"I can't really talk about that right now," I said.

When I hung up the phone, Narc gave me a funny look.

"Was that one of your 'supportive friends'?" he asked. "Were you talking about me?"

"No. It was my mom," I said. "And she asked about my weight. That's all."

"Oh."

Anyway, I played a little piano later (including the Zelda theme song) and then we watched The Colbert Report in bed. This morning, as we headed out onto the street, we passed my super again. I felt a little awkward.

Anyway, I'm getting reviewed this afternoon in class. We're covering the Russian Revolution. I'm sure it will be fine, but I always hate this observation day.

I wonder what Narc is going to say to me after his analysis tomorrow? I'm wondering how it is that I suddenly feel so strong and so over this.

Perhaps it is the magic of April. April is always the most transformative month for me. All major change happens in April. April got me sober two years ago. April started my weight loss last year. April is the resurrection.

To Be Alone in Winter is a Deadly Thing.
"SOL D'INVERNO E COSA DA MORIRE!"

No one is alone in April.
"NIUNO E SOLO L'APRIL."

(April is the cruelest month. Breeding Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing Memory and desire, stirring Dull roots with spring rain. Winter kept us warm, covering Earth in forgetful snow, feeding A little life with dried tubers.)

April, come she will,
When streams are ripe and swelled with rain.

The Very Dirty Martini

Oh, man! Brace yourself, because this is a long one!

Where to begin??? Where did I leave off? On Thursday night, I think...

Okay-- so, after AA on Thursday I came home and played some God of War. I texted Narc, but he didn't write back and I was a little anxious about that. I made myself go to bed at around 1:00 AM, but my sleep was restless. (Why? Because I'm a little crazy). Anyway, at around 5:00 AM, a text message woke me up. Obviously, it was Narc.

"Just back in, call when up," he wrote.

So, I answered him.

"I'm always up," I said. (Not true. I had been fast asleep. Anyway...) "Made it to Athens town square. Late though and I have lots to do tomorrow. Will try to call when I can."

"Am up too," he replied. "Come down here?"

"It's too late. Tomorrow perhaps?"

"Would come to you, but have no cash."

At that, I called him. He was pretty drunk. I told him that I had to go back to bed. He agreed and we hung up. At this point, it was nearly 6:00 AM. I got one more "dirty" text from him and that was that.

The next morning, I woke up exhausted. (If you recall, I also got very little sleep on Wednesday night, as I was grading midterms and went out to Cheers with Narc and NDN). I set off in the early afternoon to attend a writing workshop run by a professor in American Intellectual History/Sociology. I actually owe him a paper. The workshop was helpful and inspiring. Afterwards, I met B for lunch at a restaurant nearby. We had a really nice time talking life, philosophy and everything in between. From there, I ran into Old Navy to pick up a pair of jeans and then headed to the Upper West Side to meet my sponsor.

On my way, I sent Narc a text: "Hope you're well rested. My writing workshop was good. Oh-- and I remembered my med. Yay. Anyway, have fun tonight. Call later."

(Narc had plans that night to go out for drinks with his friend R-- an architect who was leaving town the next day).

"Ugh. Don't know if I can take another night out with the boys!" he answered. "We shall see. Call you later."

Cherubino was waiting for me in Starbucks when I arrived. We read through the Big Book and talked about Step 11. From there we headed over to our group's Friday night meeting. It was a step meeting focusing on Step 7.

The meeting touched me on the inside and left me feeling odd. Sometimes, those spiritual moments are uncomfortable. They call on me to live my life on a higher plane. It sometimes feels like a tall order. I become aware of my own laziness and fear like never before.

So, there was a funny feeling in my chest as I cabbed back to the East Side that night. But, I settled in at home, and tried to get to bed at a decent hour. I was tired beyond belief. Not wanting a repeat of the previous night, and knowing that Narc had plans to go out drinking, I shut off my ringer. At 1:45 AM, just as I was crawling under the covers, I picked up the phone to put it on the night table. At that very moment, Narc's number flashed on the screen.

"That's so weird!" I exclaimed as I answered the phone.

"What?"

"My ringer was off, but I looked at the phone at the exact moment you called."

"Guess we're just starting to share the same brain," he laughed. "They say that can sometimes happen to people who spend enough time together-- that they end up in sync."

"Narc-- that's a scary thought! A brain that's half me and half you??"

"Seriously-- it would be half zen gardens and half sex, drugs and self-abuse."

"I wouldn't want to see that," I laughed.

In any case, he asked me to come down. I was really tired, but I was also relieved that he called and I wanted to see him. I threw on some clothes and made a pit stop at the deli. At that point, it was 2:00 AM.

"Do I still have an orange by you?" I asked.

"One orange here. Just for you."

"K. Am on my way."

Now, this is where things started to crumble for me...

When I arrived, he was watching "Trainspotting." He was visibly drunk and was still drinking-- giant gin-martinis that he gulped down quickly. We started talking about film making and various directors and he referred to the movie "Sunshine" that had been on TV the other day, and its horrible "Third Act."

"What exactly is the 'third act'?" I asked.

Somehow, his answer to that question twisted in a million directions. Narc started talking about Evolution and then about Rupert Sheldrake and the "Hundredth Monkey Theory." In any case, the longer we talked, the more he drank. And then at some point, this came out of his mouth:

"I don't know if I tell you too much, Hyde," he slurred. "But I'm just gonna put it out there-- I saw LA-Girl tonight. I hung out with her for a little bit."

"What? When?"

I felt like I had just been stabbed in the stomach.

He went on and explained that his friend R blew him off, and that LA-Girl "just happened" to call. So, she came over, they had a few drinks and they hung out. He told me that she performed an Ophelia monologue for him and that she was terrible. He also said that she passed out on the floor.

"Right over there!" he said, pointing to a specific place on his floor rug.

"She seems to have a habit of passing out every time you see her," I said dryly. I was clearly pissed off.

"It's not a big deal, Hyde," he kept insisting. "I didn't fuck her! I didn't fuck her. And you wanna know why?? You wanna know why I didn't fuck her?"

He was starting at me with those drunk, bleary eyes and he smelled like the booze.

"I don't know, Narc," I sighed. "What do you want me to say?"

"Tell me! Tell me why I didn't fuck her!"

"I don't know... Because she has herpes?"

"There's condoms for that," he laughed.

"Ew. Don't do that and then try to come have sex with me," I said.

"So, tell me why I didn't fuck her."

"Because she didn't want to fuck you?"

"Nope. Because I didn't want to fuck her!" he exclaimed.

"I highly doubt that," I said. "Then, why are you hanging out with her?"

"I love her, that's why," he said. "She's cute, and I love LA-Girl."

"You LOVE her? What the fuck are you talking about? "

"I don't love, love her," he tried to explain.

(Hadn't we had this conversation before?)

"Narc! You just told me that she's dumb, she's a bad actress, you don't want to fuck her... You don't love her, so I don't know why you're saying that. To tell you the truth, it's not clear what you even like about her, except for the fact that she's 'cute.'"

"She has good energy," he said, with a drunken grin. "And I can talk to her about things I can't talk to you about."

"Like what?"

"Well, acting. Films, that sort of thing."

"Narc, you don't get it. I mean, really-- I don't talk to you about major things that I'm passionate about-- music, history, whatever. I can talk to Bezoukhoff about history all day long. It doesn't mean I go around saying that I LOVE him."

"I don't know Hyde," he laughed. "You wanna know what I think?"

"About what?"

"I think you're jealous."

He sat back, content with himself and his proclamation.

"What the fuck?!" I exclaimed. "Of COURSE I'm jealous!"

"You're jealous because I"m telling you she's this cute, blond, actress, and you're jealous."

"Narc, you don't get it," I sighed. "I'm not jealous of her. I don't know her. I wish her well. This really has nothing to do with her or what she is. But I AM jealous of the fact that you're flirting with her and have this kind of interest in pursuing her. I'm jealous of how you feel about her."

"Well, we're not dating, Hyde. We're not 'together' like that. And I'm going to have LA-Girl in my life now."

"This is not about LA-Girl!" I insisted. "This is about me and you. I don't give a shit about her. This is about the fact that we have no definition and it's not working anymore. I love you; I see you almost every night; you say that you love me; we're friends; it's been nearly four years. What IS this? Why aren't we dating?"

(I could hardly believe those words had come flying out of my mouth).

He didn't say anything.

"Why AREN'T we dating?" I repeated. "What is it? Why aren't we 'together'?"

He was, once again, slow to respond.

"I don't know, Hyde," he said. "I didn't know you were available for that."

"What?!?" (This was now laughable.) "Narc! Are you fucking kidding me??"

"No. I'm not kidding you," he said, grabbing onto my arm and staring at me, as if daring me to argue.

"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. I TOLD you in November, 2004 that I wanted to be with you and I didn't want to date anyone else. I've made myself clear about that time and again over the past few years."

He didn't really answer.

"Look," I went on. "What if I were your friend-- not me, but another friend. And what if I came to you and said that there's a guy that I'm in love with, that I've been seeing for four years, but he won't be in a relationship with me and he sees other women periodically. What would you tell me to do?"

"I'd tell you to reel him in," he said. "To be crafty and find a way to win him over."

I stared at him dumbfounded. "Are you saying that's a possibility?"

"What do you mean?"

"Are you saying it's possible to 'reel you in?'"

"No," he said. "You want to have children and I don't."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm not the knight that you deserve, Hyde."

Now, I really did start to laugh.

"That's such a fucking cop out! I don't want a knight. I'm not looking to cast someone in a fucking script."

"Well, then, fuck you!" he said, defensively.

He kept trying to turn the conversation back to LA-Girl and the fact that he hadn't "fucked her." He kept wanting to tell me that I was just dramatic and paranoid.

"She offered herself like four times," he said.

"Yeah, I'm sure," I said, bitterly. "I just don't know where I stand with you."

"You don't know where you stand with me?"

"No. I don't. Why don't you tell me? What am I to you? What do you even want?"

He shook his head.

"I don't know either," he said.

"Yeah, that's the problem."

There was nothing left to say. I was exhausted beyond words. I just put my head in my hands and pressed on my eyes.

"What are you thinking?" he asked.

"Nothing," I muttered.

"No, really--what are you feeling?"

"It doesn't matter what I'm feeling, Narc."

"Yes it does."

"No, it DOESN'T" I shouted. "What I feel doesn't matter because you won't change a thing based on my feelings. You're basically telling me that LA-Girl is going to be around regardless of how I feel. You have NEVER cared about my feelings."

"I just don't see what the big deal is! I'm not dating her!"

"I don't want to have to feel insecure like this. Living in fear is poisoning me. It's taking away from the rest of my life."

"What are you afraid of?"

"That you are going to disappear! That at any moment you might disappear!"

"That will never happen," he smiled. "I will never leave you . I love you. What, do you think I'm just going to send you a text someday saying that it's over and I'm gone?" He started to laugh as if that were the most ridiculous idea.

"Don't laugh, Narc. It's happened before."

"When?"

"When? Um-- there has always been someone else. That girl you went to Dominican Republic with, the month after I met you. Then in December-- the 18th to be exact-- you texted me: Nothing more for us really. Then, there was PopStar in January, 2005. Then, you met the Exhibitionist and texted me on Easter, 2005 that you were dating someone and were 'off the radar' and to 'Be well.' And even this latest time with PopStar-- you texted me that she was back from Russia and had moved in, only after I was bewildered about why you were ignoring me. There have been so many episodes. Do you remember that day you kicked me out of your place when the Exhibitionist came over? July, 2005?"

"Yeah, I remember," he said in a low voice. "You have a long memory."

"That's because it fucking HURT. It still hurts!" I had to hold back tears. "It all hurt. But there's no point in all of this now. I just want to go to sleep now."

"No, let's finish this," he said.

"I want to go to bed. I'm done. And I'm too tired to think clearly."

"Are you a coward, Hyde? Finish it. Let's finish talking about this."

"There's no point!" I insisted. "Why am I still here? Why am I here? Why am I here?" (I was talking to myself more than anything else. I really felt like I was about to lose my mind.) "I can't do this, Narc. I'm going to bed."

We talked in circles for a little longer, but finally, I just ignored him and walked into the bedroom. He went to pull something out of his closet. It was a "dirty martini" costume that he bought for Laurie in October.

"Are you joking? I'm not putting that thing on!" I said, pushing past him, towards the bed.

"Put it on, Hyde."

"I'm not putting it on. You bought it for Laurie! I'm not going to put on something that you bought for Laurie."

I felt so disgusted at this point. And he was clearly drunk and not making much sense. I climbed into bed. He climbed in after me. It was nearly 6:00 AM.

"I love you," he said, as he pulled me close.

I didn't have it in me to respond, think or feel. I just had to go to bed.

"I don't exist," I said.

He didn't answer.

Two and a half hours later, the alarm went off. I had to get up early, as I had plans to meet my mom and BigSis on Long Island to go to a "corsetier." BigSis is pregnant and needs new bras, and I also am in between sizes, as I've lost so much weight. (Thank god, I didn't go down the cup size I thought-- I am still the same size there, only down a few sizes across the back). My head was pounding and I chugged two red bulls, which didn't help with the headache, but made my stomach burn. It felt like the old days-- I haven't felt hungover in so long. I was also emotionally wrecked. But I tried to close my eyes and focus and pray. I prayed for the ability to be "of service" to my mom and my sister and to stay present with them and not to slip into my usual "morbid reflection."

I managed to have a decent time out there. BigSis and I each got two new bras and we ate lunch at Ruby Tuesday's. Then my mom drove me back to the train. I got back to my place at around 2:15 PM. I don't know why (fear? insecurity?), but I sent Narc a text.

"I am literally going to collapse from exhaustion," I wrote. "Think I only slept 10 hrs. combined since Wed. Just getting back from LI. Feel horrible. Bet you're still asleep. There's more jealousy for you..."

My head was still throbbing and I felt feverish. My forehead was hot and my hands were clammy and cold. My joints ached. I was surprised when he wrote me back:

"Just up an hour ago. Sleep woman! Sounds like you're running on fumes. Can come over and get some rest if you like..."

"Have a rehearsal and then need AA," I said. "So, busy til 10:00-ish. Check in later... if I haven't yet, in my fatigue, departed this world for the next."

"Do call after AA then."

"K. Will do. But in any case, will need bed relatively early tonight."

I did my best to revive myself (or at least revive my makeup) before turning around and heading out to a rehearsal for Sunday night's recital. As you know, Cherubino studies with the same voice teacher, and she was already there at the pianist's apartment when I arrived. I ran through my aria in a half stupor. God knows how any decent sounds came out!

At around 4:15 PM, we left the pianist's place in Carnegie Hill and started to walk down Second Avenue, stopping to poke around a Good Will store. I got a dress and a sweater for practically nothing, and Cherubino tired on a really funny denim jumper. Anyway, we eventually made it back to my apartment where we read through the chapter that brought me to complete my 12th Step. It felt really good. Afterwards, we watched The Medium, which Cherubino brought over on DVD. It was a very strange and creepy opera. Afterwards, I couldn't get one particular tune out of my mind:

Give away my clothes; burn all my school books
Burn! Burn! Give away! Give away!

Anyway, Cherubino took off at around 8:00 PM. I was literally about to drop. She was trying to show me a picture of the world's ugliest dog, but I could hardly laugh. I couldn't focus on anything. I wandered into my bedroom and flopped onto the bed on my stomach. Not five minutes later, the phone rang. It was Narc.

"What's up?"

"I left you a message, Hyde," he said.

I could barely understand him. He was so drunk that he could hardly form his words.

"What are you doing so wasted at 8:00 PM?!" I exclaimed.

"I don't know... it just happened," he said.

"Huh? What did you do today? You only woke up a few hours ago!"

"I just started drinking when I woke up," he said. "I don't know why. It was just there. Hair of the dog and all that, I guess," he laughed.

He wanted me to come down to see him.

"We need to talk," he said.

"Yes, we do need to talk," I agreed. "But I don't want to talk to you like this. I want to talk to you when you're sober. Besides, I'm so tired, I have to go to bed super soon."

"That's okay," he said. "We don't have to talk about anything unpleasant, then. I just want you to be here."

"Okay," I agreed.

(I don't know what I'm doing. Into the lion's den?)

I called StarGazer before I left home. We talked for about 40 minutes and she convinced me to reconsider my decision to go. But, I ended up heading down there anyway.

When he answered the door, he looked SO much worse than I had imagined. His eyes were bloodshot through and through. But his whole face looked bloated and red and his hair was sticking up in every direction.

"What the hell happened to you Narc?!"

"I don't know," he snorted. "Guess it just hit me really hard today. Was out with R at Blaue Gans. Drank the beer in a boot after those martinis. Haven't eaten in a few days..."

He stumbled over to the couch. I could see where he had banged into a wall and knocked down some shelves.

We were both sitting on the couch now. I don't remember what we talked about. Narc pushed my legs apart. I thought he was going to try to pull my jeans off or something. But he didn't. He just wedged himself inbetween me and put his head down on my chest. He wrapped his arms around me and just lay there, with me cradling his head. I didn't really know how to feel.

"I love you," he said.

He was so drunk, though.

He started trying to raise up my shirt. So, I pulled it off myself. He was kissing my breasts, but then he started to suck on them, still cradled there, like he was a baby or something. It was really strange and again-- I didn't know how to feel. It was like he was nursing. He stayed like that for some time. I didn't move or do anything.

This is the most fucked up relationship!! I thought.

It's all I could think. I don't understand anything anymore.

After a little while like that, he sort of rolled back onto his side of the couch. I put my shirt back on. Neither of us said anything for a while. Then, he finally broke the silence.

"So, do you want to talk, Hyde?"

"No. I don't want to have that conversation tonight."

He flopped onto his back and closed his eyes. His breathing grew heavy.

"Narc? Are you asleep."

"Not asleep, not asleep," he said, barely coherent. "Just napping."

"If you're going to nap, let's just go to bed," I said. "I'm tired too."

It was just about 10:00 PM. His house was a mess-- way messier than usual. The ashtray on the coffee table was filled with dozens and dozens of stamped out cigarettes. And the orange peel in the bowl that I had left there the night before was still sitting there. And then I noticed something else-- a stupid, plastic, olive shaped ring from that "dirty martini" costume. It was right there on the coffee table, next to the orange peel.

What the fuck was it doing there? The costume was new and sealed the previous night. Who the fuck tried it on?

I became convinced of the fact that LA-Girl had come over again that afternoon.

"Why is that ring on the table?" I asked him.

"Oh-- that's from when LA-Girl tried the costume on."

"She was here today?" (I could barely breathe).

"No, she wasn't here today!" he insisted. "It's from last night when she was here. She was over here last night."

"That ring wasn't there last night," I said.

"What can I tell you, Hyde?"

"You can tell me why that ring wasn't there last night and yet it IS there tonight."

"Guess I just put it there when I was cleaning up."

"You didn't clean anything up."

The rest of the costume was still in the package leaning against the opposite wall, but it was folded into the package differently.

I felt so sick.

"I bought that costume for Laurie," he said.

"Yeah, I know." I felt like a robot. "We talked about it last night. Don't you remember taking it out of the closet last night and telling me to try it on?"

"I told LA-Girl to try it on, but it was too big on her. It was falling off her."

"So, she was here."

"No, it was last night."

I didn't answer. I just moved into the bedroom, undressed and climbed into bed.

"Take a shower with me," he said.

"I'm not going to take a shower with you."

I'm glad he gave up on the idea, because I seriously thought he might slip and hit his head. Narc followed and pulled me in tight against his chest. I still couldn't breathe. I felt like my whole body was about to shut down. I was SO fucking tired-- physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I thought I might die. I don't even know how to describe my state of mind. I just felt feverish.

I tried to calm myself and just get myself to sleep. I tried counting backwards from 1000. But I couldn't shake this-- any of it. Involuntarily, I jumped.

"What's wrong?" he murmured.

"I can't do this, Narc," I whispered.

"Do what? What's wrong."

"This whole thing. She was here today. You're LYING to me. That ring was not on the table."

"God, Hyde! What's wrong with you? It was from last night."

"You told me everything about last night!" I insisted. I felt like I was on the verge of hysteria though. "You said that she did an Ophelia monologue and passed out. You didn't mention the costume. Besides, it was sealed when you took it out of the closet. And that ring wasn't on the table."

"I told you what I did today," he said. "I woke up; I texted you; I drank some martinis here; then I met R over at Blaue Gans. Then I called you again. When did I see her?"

"She could have come over here after you texted me and had martinis with you. She could have gone to Blaue Gans with you."

I was sure of it. I just so positive of it.

"Enough of your feeble-minded woman's intuition!" he said.

"Don't start getting misogynistic on me, Narc."

"I WILL get misogynistic on you because this is DUMB! Your woman's intuition isn't right about everything!"

"It's not intuition, it's deduction! There are facts-- the costume was sealed last night, and now it's not. The ring wasn't there last night and now it is. And you told me that LA-Girl tried the costume on. Put that all together, and it's obvious that she was over here today."

"She wasn't."

"I don't believe you," I whispered. "But it doesn't even matter. This is not about her. I don't give a SHIT about her. It's about me and you."

We were both silent. I closed my eyes and tried to will myself back to sleep, but I couldn't. My body started to shake. I don't know what happened to me, but I was literally shaking uncontrollably and my teeth were chattering.

"What's wrong with you? Are you okay?" Narc asked.

He sounded genuinely concerned and half sat up.

"I don't know. I'm going to break. I'm going to break," I stammered. "I can't do this anymore. I'm going to break."

He pulled me close again and wrapped his arms around me, as if that could stop the shaking. But it didn't work. My body was still shaking uncontrollably, seemingly divorced from my mind.

"I'm going to break," was all I could say.

"I won't let you break, darling," he said. "I'll protect you. I'll keep you safe."

And then, it exploded, everything that the brick wall in my heart has been keeping locked in for all these years. I started to cry hysterically. I was sobbing so hard that I couldn't breathe, so I tried harder to find a breath. And then it started to turn into a full fledged panic attack. I haven't had one of those in quite some time. But, I felt my face start to tingle. I was dizzy and nauseated and my whole body started to sweat. I still couldn't stop the sobbing, but there suddenly seemed to be no more tears. It was like some sort of dry heaving cry. But, I didn't feel sad anymore either. I felt completely detached, like I was watching this whole scene out of body, floating on the ceiling.

"Shh... calm down," my floating self seemed to say to my wretching body.

"It's okay, it's okay," Narc kept whispering. He kissed my hair. "I love you. You're safe," he said over and over.

He kissed my face and found the tears there. I think it made him kiss me more fervently-- as if he were moved that much more that I had tears for him, that he had been able to elicit such a response from me.

"I love you, honey. I love you," he kept saying. "I'm just glad you're sleeping with me tonight-- that you're safe with someone who loves you. It's all okay."

I tried to listen to him, but my floating, detached, self was bitterly reminding the rest of me that he's a liar and that I'm anything BUT safe when I'm with him. I kept shaking and chattering until, despite everything, I somehow managed to let him soothe me before I passed out from sheer exhaustion.

It was a frightening episode. And it's how I know that I'm done.

We slept at least 12 hours. The next morning he had an awful hangover and crawled over me to get water. We both went back to sleep. When we woke up again, we had sex. It was as if everything had been erased. But, it hadn't. I couldn't forget it. It was right there, knotted in my stomach.

"I really did myself in yesterday," Narc laughed. "I went out to Blaue Gans with R and drank one of those giant boots of beer."

"Yeah, I know," I said. "Don't you remember going over your day in detail several times last night?"

"Oh, right-- yeah, sure," he said.

Eventually he got out of bed and went to check whatever websites he always checks in the morning.

"Narc, we need to talk," I said. I was still laying in the bed.

"Don't you think we've talked enough about all this?"

"No. I mean-- nothing is resolved. And I need space from you. I can't do this."

"What does that mean?" he asked. "You want to take a month apart? Two months? What's the point of that, Hyde?"

"I don't want time apart," I said. "Don't you understand? It's not what I want. But the point is, it will give me time to get over you!" I answered. "I just can't keep hurting like this anymore."

"WHAT is all this drama about? Why are you always making things so fucking melodramatic?"

"I'm not being dramatic. It just hurts."

"Oh, it hurts?! It hurts! That's not dramatic?"

"No, it's not! It hurts in a thousand ways every day and I don't say anything. I am so NOT dramatic about this. And I'm not being dramatic now. I'm just trying to be practical."

"I don't know what to tell you Hyde," he said with a scowl. He was getting defensive now. "If it hurts you so much-- thousands of times every day-- then, maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore."

I don't know if he meant it as a threat. Usually I back down as soon as he says something like that.

"Maybe. I want to see you, Narc. I don't want space. But I can't go on like we are. I mean-- what is this? What are we doing? Who am I to you? I don't ever know where I stand with you."

"I thought we were having fun," he stammered. "Isn't that what we're doing? Having fun with each other? Isn't that how we both defined it?"

"Maybe that was true four years ago. Maybe that was true when I was getting wasted and coming to fuck you at 4:00 AM twice a week. But it's not fun anymore! I love you; you say you love me. I see you almost every day. This has been a long time, Narc. I'm invested in you. I'm giving you everything I would give to a boyfriend. But I'm not getting anything in return-- no security, no saftey, nothing..."

He got back into bed with me.

"But we can't end up together," he said quietly. "We want different things. You want to have kids and I don't. I want to end up with an actress-- someone in my indsutry that I can build a career and a life with."

"Who's talking marriage?!" I laughed. "I don't want to marry you. In fact, if you asked, I'd say no!"

"Oh, that's real nice," he said, jealously. "You're in love with me, but you wouldn't marry me?"

"No. Because you're right-- we do want different things. But we're together at this moment in life, and for this moment in life I need some security and some protection. I'm not saying we'll stay together forever. I'm just saying that if we're together right now, it should be a real relationship."

"But if we're not going to end up together, we're going to have to date someone else eventually, right?"

"Yeah."

"So, we have to be able to be open to meet that person."

"Yeah, I guess that's true. So, if you meet someone that you think has real potential, then break up with me. Break up with me and then sleep with someone else. But you can't have it all at once. All this time, you've wanted to have your cake and eat it too. I've been trying to make it possible for you to do that. If I could keep giving you that, I would. This is not about me being moral or trying to be tough. I would give you what you want, if I could. But it's not possible anymore. I just can't emotinally sustain it anymore. I'm so tired."

"I never got that expression," he laughed. "Why can't you have your cake and eat it? Isn't that the whole point of having the cake?"

"No, Narc. If you eat the cake, you no longer have it on the plate. If you want it on the plate, you can't have eaten it. You can't have both."

"Oh."

Neither of us said anything for a few minutes.

"So, what are you asking me for? A commitment?"

"Yes. I'm asking you for a commitment. I can't do this otherwise."

"I don't know," he said. "I was kind of burned by my last girlfriend, if you recall."

"PopStar? Of course I recall! Do you know how much pain that put me through too? I was in love with you, and stayed by you while you were engaged to someone else. I came to the hospital for you every day when you were sick. I kept right on fucking you for eight months while you were going on about being in love with her."

"Yeah, well, I guess it was bad for everyone all around," he said.

We were both silent again.

"I just don't know what to do, Narc. Tell me what to do. Tell me to stay or tell me to go. Tell me. My therapist won't tell me what to do."

"Did you think he would?"

"No. But everyone who tells me what to do tells me something I don't want to hear."

"What do they tell you?"

"To end it. To stop seeing you. My friends... everyone. And everyone's sick of hearing about it. Everyone says-- he doesn't want a relatinoship with you; what are you doing still there? I can't answer them. And you don't give me anything to tell them, Narc. I feel so alone. I feel so fucking alone."

I felt like I might start to cry again, so I swallowed hard.

"Look, I don't want to lose you, Hyde. I love spending time with you," he said quietly. "Of course, I want you in my life."

"Well, I don't want to go. But, it's a matter of what it's worth to you... I can't do this anymore."

He didn't say anything.

"Shouldn't I be with someone who wants to be with me?" I asked. "Don't you think I deserve that?"

He just lay there staring at the ceiling. My head was on his chest.

"I don't know what you want me to say," he murmured. "I feel like I'm on The Moment of Truth or something."

"I'm not trying to pressure you, Narc. But I do need an answer. So, take a few days if you need to, but I DO need an answer."

He got up as if that were the end of the conversation. So, I just got up and got dressed too. We ordered in some food for lunch and watched Rock of Love on TV. I rehung the shelves that he had knocked down the night before and went across the street to get him Gatorade, Pepto Bismol and a protein shake for his hangover. And so, it was just as usual-- dumb TV and a lot of sex as the afternoon passed.

At around 3:00 PM, The Truman Show was on and I had to leave. I had to get home in time to shower, change my clothes and warm up before the recital.

"Don't forget everything that we said," I told him, as I leaned down for a hug goodbye.

"Yeah, we can talk about it," he answered.

"No. I don't want to talk about it. I just need an answer from you. I need a committment or I'm done. Sometime in the next few days."

"Guess I'll do a little soul-searching," he said with half a laugh.

"Okay. 'Cause really, Narc-- it's time to shit or get off the pot."

"Huh. Well, good luck with your thing tonight. Call me later."

Back at my place, I got dressed in a beautiful lace skirt and tight black top and in my red lip gloss, I felt beautiful, but it couldn't mask my emotional fatigue. My voice was low and I couldn't get all the support I needed. I felt depressed about having to sing in that condition, all the way on my way to the recital.

I sent Narc a text: "Feeling way, waaaay too tired to do this. Wish me luck! And may God give me adrenaline. At least I feel pretty in my clothes..."

"You can do it!!" he answered.

"Thanks. :)"

The recital itself was okay. I don't think I did as well as I did last time, but I didn't expect to. Even though I thought my performance was horribly mediocre, my teacher seemed pleased and all of the other students told me that I sounded great. Cherubino said that I'm way too hard on myself. So, I decided to believe them.

Aferwards, we all went back to my teacher's apartment for a little reception. One of her students, I recently found out, is someone else who went to Columbia and sang in the Opera Ensemble there. She was at the recpetion.

"Wow! It's been a long time," I said. "When's the last time we saw each other?"

"I don't know. I think my last semester with the group was actually that semseter that you got sick."

"When I got sick?"

"Yeah, you missed the concert because you had to go to the hospital," she explained. "Remember?"

"Oh! That's right," I laughed. "That was a difficult time. December, '98."

Meanwhile, what was I really doing that I missed the concert? Sitting in jail, under arrest for buying coke, two days before my 20th birthday. Ugh!! So weird to have that come back to me like that!

Anyway, while at that little reception, I got another text from Narc: "How was your recital? Was going to head up to you but haven't heard anything yet. What's up?"

I was surprised that he wanted to see me again, in the middle of all of this, and that he wanted to come to my place. Maybe he is afraid of losing me, after all. In any case, I told him that I would be home by 10:00 PM. He met me in the lobby. I was still all dressed up, but had switched from heels to flip flops.

I froze my ass off in those flip flops as we walked up Second Avenue to find a pub. Narc wanted "bangers and mash." So, we ate a little dinner, he sipped a pint of Guinness, and then we came back to my place. I played some God of War with his guidance, and then I cleaned up the apartment a bit. We tried to watch The Tudors in bed, but both of us were falling asleep.

This morning, we woke up, fucked, watched the rest of The Tudors and ordered in lunch. I wanted to go through and organize my bills, so he helped me devise a system. He is one of the most organized people I've ever met. Then, I listened to the end of Phantom of the Opera (which had come up in an earlier conversation ) and I told him that I'm still in love with the Phantom. He read a Britney article in an old issue of Rolling Stone that I had laying around.

At 5:30, we both took off for class-- he to his tarot school and I to my research seminar.

"Which card are you guys studying tonight? I asked.

He didn't know the answer.

On my way home, I had a sudden urge to find an AA meeting, so I wandered over to the "Mustard Seed"-- a place where they have pretty much non-stop meetings all day. There was a women's meeting that was almost over. I found a seat and recognized two women there from other meetings I've been to. I think I need to start going to a weekly women's meeting again. Just catching the tail end of the meeting, it prodded me not to forget that I have to take care of myself and respect myself if I am really choosing this spiritual life.

I want to be wanted.

When I left the meeting, I called Bezouhoff and we talked for a while.

Anyway, at around 11:00 PM tonight, I sent Narc another text: "So, which card was it?"

I was suddenly filled with fear again-- fear that he was meeting up with LA-Girl. I know that he met her on a Monday night once before.

If he doesn't answer you, he's with her, I told myself.

Stop thinking like this, I told myself. Stop obsessing. You don't know what's going on and you can't control it.

He wrote back five minutes later: "Queen and King of Swords. Back to major arcana next week with the Lovers. Received an incredible reading from the man himself as well, most impressive."

Okay, so he's not with her, I thought.

I sent another text: Really? What did the reading say?

He didn't answer that one.

Why not? I wondered. Maybe he IS with her. No... then, why would he have answered the first one? Maybe he answered the first text because he didn't want you to know he's with her. No... that's paranoid, Hyde. He probably just didn't answer this last one because he didn't want to get into it. Yeah, but still... he could have just said that he didn't want to get into it. Why did he just disappear? Maybe he's sick of hanging out. Geez-- you've just seen him non-stop! Aren't you sick of seeing him? Yes... Yes, I am. I don't want to talk or hang out tonight. I just want to know that he's not with her.

I just want to know.

Only, I can't know. I can't know anything.

Do I really think I can have any measure of control?

What do I do next? Has the bridge been crossed? ("So stand and watch it burn...")

What do I do next?

love,
h