"Words Fall Through Me"

I'm home now and expectations will be the death of me. Expecting what I shouldn't expect. So many expectations.

I just got back from Anxious' 32nd birthday event-- drinks at a place called Sortie on the West Side. I chatted with Bulgi for quite a while. It seems like another lifetime in which I knew the Bulgi at Cheers, in which I invited him back here late nights. Did that ever happen-- the time when he missed the toilet peeing in Narc's bathroom?

Earlier in the evening, Meema and I went to go see Once. Glen Hansard looks a lot like Narc, but smaller and with rounder features and bluer eyes. But they both have that scruffy red beard.

The movie was kind of awesome. We bumped into two other girls from AA in the theater. We also bumped into some Simchat Torah "rejoicing" on E 12th Street.

And I spent the morning with Narc. I went over there last night after AA because he wanted to "come in my mouth" and because I love him. We hung out at his place watching TV and went to bed early.

This morning I went with him to meet with his building management. (He has received more than a few noise violation complaints and needed the moral support in the meeting!). Afterwards, we had brunch at Petite Abeille.

From there, we both had a little time to kill before I was off to therapy and he was off to do whatever... (get a massage?), so we decided to take a walk. We walked down to Battery Park and stared out at the water. We saw the ghost of a three mast ship. Then we went to visit Narc's ducks. He fed them saltine crackers that I had in my bag.

My therapist tells me that I am grappling with an Apollonian/Dionysian spiritual struggle. I gained a lot of insight about a lot of things in the session today, but don't have it in me to sort through it for the blog right now. I felt better about myself afterwards, though, and more at peace with my choices in general.

Tomorrow I'm going to the opera with my mom. It's our first opera of the season and we're going to see Figaro.

I guess that's it for now. My eyes are stinging, but my makeup is still sparkling.

I'm thinking of a picture that Narc emailed to me this afternoon-- a "sad bear."

He had told me some tragic story about his 11th birthday. When I answered his email I signed it "love you." I am such a dork.

Anyway, I need to stop this. I kind of want to be with Narc again tonight, but even more than that, I want to be okay right where I am. Today can be okay "as is," right?

Sometimes I feel very far away. I want to feel a pulse.

Good night to you all.

love,
h