Halloween Weekend

Well, it's Halloween weekend and it's the first one I don't feel like celebrating. I'm not sure why, but I'm just not in the mood. I just got off the phone with NDN. I have two party invites tonight and was going to bring him along, but don't feel like going, so he's going to try to find a party with some other friends.

Anyway, it's gray and dreary out and I'm feeling a little glum.

On Thursday night, after I posted, I ended up going over to Cheers to look for TT. He had already left. I stayed for an hour or so anyway, chatting a little with ThursdayGirl, but there was really no point in being there. It's kind of lame without the booze. But at around 2:00 AM, Narc texted me, so I went down to see him.

He was in brooding-mode. He was smoking cigarettes and sitting by the window when I arrived. It turns out he had stopped over at his new regular bar and the owner had "ripped him a new one" (as he put it) for his behavior on Saturday night, which apparently was aggressive, belligerent, and involved harassing women. He was ashamed and upset, but kept rationalizing over and over that he wasn't responsible for what happens in a blackout because it's "not him." He had a few other rationales as well, including one that stipulated that he "never gets drunk" because he's always "chaperoning James." I just tried to listen the best I could. I wanted to hug him, but I didn't. I got the feeling he didn't want to be touched.

When I was brushing my teeth in the bathroom, he came in to pee. It was strange. He never does that in front of me. I started to leave, but he told me to stay in the bathroom. He said that I should do something "normal" and not watch. Huh? It was almost like he is "playing" at a more intimate relationship. I feel like lately with him, everything is one great game of What if....?

The next morning, I had to get up early to meet B. I was a little distressed because I feel like Narc is courting a new girl-- one of the bartenders at the place where he acted like a jackass. Of course, this could just be my own paranoia. I talked to Hammer about it though, and she helped me put everything back into perspective.

B and I met on 42nd street and went to the movies. We saw Michael Clayton which was actually kind of awesome. Afterwards, I walked him over to Grand Central and then I walked downtown to therapy.

It was a good session, but a difficult one. I don't know why the diagnosis that he offered has left me so freaked out. But I've been feeling "dark" ever since.

I came home after therapy and tried to eat a piece of sushi (or three) but it wasn't sitting so well, so I just laid in bed, looked out at the rain and tried to digest. I had plans to meet Hammer and the Alaskan over at the American Folk Art Museum to hear the Alaskan's friend play. There was some confusion about where and when the event would be taking place, but we eventually all arrived. The performance was in the lobby. A strange woman with "kool-aid-hair" played first. The Alaskan's friend was awesome. He looks like Oliver Twist. There were enormous wood carvings taken from synagogues and carousels decorating the space.

Afterwards, we decided to go to synagogue, but the Alaskan changed his mind en route and hopped off the subway somewhere on the Upper West Side. Hammer and I continued on, even though the service had already started.

When we got out of there, we poked around in the Gap for a few minutes and then I bid Hammer farewell.

I was exhausted and happy to be home by the time I got here. I was obsessed with having to have a certain coconut curry soup. Thankfully I found some on seamlessweb and had it delivered so that I didn't have to go on my quest in the rain.

So, I ate my soup in bed and watched some TV. Pixie's cell phone kept dialing mine over and over and over and it was driving me crazy! I finally got a hold of her, and we decided that her phone had been possessed.

I just felt my brow furrowing as the night went on, my eyes becoming shaded. That can happen sometimes... I forced myself to shut my phone off, as I really needed a good night's sleep. I was nervous though. I thought Narc might call. It was almost 1:00 AM when I went to sleep.

You'll wake up at 2:00 and check your messages, I told myself.

I didn't wake up until 5:30 AM, though. He had, indeed, texted me to come down there. (That would have been the third night in a row with him.) I felt anxious that I missed his text, but I went back to sleep. I slept straight through until the afternoon today. Now I have to work on grading midterms.

I feel defensive though... psychologically defensive. And I feel like I might die. I don't know why... Glum. I guess I just feel glum. It doesn't feel like Halloween weekend. Halloween is sometimes my favorite holiday. I guess I'll wait for Christmas this year.

I'm looking forward to seeing Pixie at the meeting tonight. Maybe I'll sing a little Massenet before I start grading.

love,
h