Raspberry Soap

What a strange Halloween. I'm eating raspberries and watching One Life to Live.

Last night when I was walking home from AA, I saw a homeless guy crumpled into a heap on 2nd Avenue. I, like most New Yorkers, habitually walk straight past sad, slumped over people on the sidewalks, but this guy was different-- something about the way he was positioned made me think something was wrong. I looked around to see if anyone else had noticed or if anyone else was going to do anything about it. I seemed to be the only one who cared, so I bent down to get a closer look.

"Sir, are you okay?" I asked.

He mumbled something back. It was hard to hear. It sounded like he said he couldn't get up. I offered him my hand. He smelled bad and I hated that I wanted to recoil from another human being. He said that I had to help him roll onto his knees. I did my best to do what he asked without having to put my purse on the ground and without letting it swing into the poor guy's head. Once he was on his knees, I took him by the upper arms and hoisted him up. He was tottering and could barely straighten up. His back was permanently hunched forward and his chin was drooped down to his chest.

He said something about wanting Chinese food.

"The nearest takeout place is a block and a half away," I said. "Do you want help to walk there?"

I knew they wouldn't let him in the restaurant.

"I just want to sit down there," he said. "I have money. I can pay for dinner."

I had to support him for the entire walk there. He was carrying two bags and wouldn't let me take one of them. When we got to the Chinese place I kept offering to go in and bring him food out, but he said he wanted to go in and sit down. I felt awful about it and got a lot of dirty looks from the staff behind the counter, but I helped him into the restaurant and bought him dinner. He couldn't eat the spareribs he asked for because he had only two teeth, so I had to cut the meat off the bone and cut it into tiny bits. I got him an orange soda and opened hot sauce packets for him. I was sad and uncomfortable that I couldn't do more.

The man's eyes were cloudy and he had to support his chin with his hand in order to even look up and meet my eyes. He said his name was Anthony and he was 76 years old. He was educated. He had studied economics and had been an office manager. He said he was writing a book. I couldn't make out a lot of what he was saying, but he talked for some time about liking to drink brandy. It broke my heart a little.

I asked him if he had any place to go later that night. He said he was going to sleep on the subway. There wasn't much I could do after the meal except to leave him on 2nd Avenue. At least he was standing. When I got home, I called my local precinct to tell them, but given that there was no crime, disorder or medical emergency, they didn't understand why I was calling. I guess I was calling just to assuage my own guilt over leaving him on the street.

When I got home, I talked to Pixie on the phone for a while. It was nice to bring me back to "normalcy" and normal modes of conversation. I don't like when my eyes are opened too wide.

Today I had lunch with B and then I ate some pinkberry. Later on the afternoon, I went to a voice lesson where I saw Cherubino. She sat in on my lesson. My breath-support is getting back in shape and it feels good. Then, tonight, I dressed in a medieval gown and went to at 10:00 PM AA meeting where I saw Pixie and LashGirl and some others.

I had a few invites for tonight-- TT at Cheers, Bezoukhoff invited me to a party, and the AA girls were going out after the meeting.

But I didn't want to go out with anyone. I'm too aware of where Narc is. He's at the bar tonight where Frenchie works. It hurts. But who knows... maybe it's all in my head. I feel like I can't stand people right now, or being around people, but I also don't want to be alone. I can't tolerate being in my own skin right now. All I can do to stand it is to eat raspberries and watch One Life to Live.

I've been thinking a lot about the whole situation with Narc (what else is new?) but I've been thinking about it differently. I don't have another round in me. I don't. If it's not going to be "good" right now, I can't do it anymore, but I feel another round of crap coming. I was talking to a friend about it last night and she said "you can either choose a painful ending or pain without end." She has a point.

Anyway, today is BigSis' 30th birthday. It's strange. It means that I've only got another year until I hit 30 myself. My 20's have been really tumultuous. Sometimes I think about my life and the things that have happened in my life and it surprises even me.

I want the next decade to be more even. I don't want to even think of Narc in my 30's.

I've been thinking about my dad a lot this week. A lot, a lot, a lot.

I'm not in the mood for Halloween. I'm not in the mood for anything. I don't feel like being someone else right now. I only want to figure out how to be myself.

love,
h