It was Epic

Oh, man! My body is sore all over, and I don't know whether it's from sex or singing! Today was a great day. Yesterday was a great day. For once I'm in a pretty good mood! :)

Um... when did I last update this thing? Monday? Well, Tuesday was a busy day. Tuesday's are always my crazy-busy day. I taught two classes (which wasn't all that bad, as I just had to administer midterms) and then I raced across town to do some reading before my German history class. Class was interesting, as I was prepared (for once), but semi-depressing as "National Socialism" can tend to be. After class I met Hammer for a quick coffee and some gossip and then I headed to pick up the milk, race to AA and get on with my evening.

We had a truly weird (awful?) speaker on Tuesday night. Although he had 20 years of sobriety, he still "pads his expense account" and sometimes thinks about hurling himself onto the subway platform. Oh-- and he admitted to frequenting child-prostitutes... girls and boys. WTF?!? I thought we were supposed to share "in a general way..."

After the meeting I got a text from TT that he was over at Cheers for quiz-night. I slapped on another coat of makeup and headed over to say hi. I never know what the deal is between me and TT. There's a lot of flirtation, but no sexual tension and absolutely no conversation flow. In fact, it's kind of awful. But the other day, he IM'd me about finally learning some Evanescence song for karaoke.

"Put up or shut up," he said.

Wonder if there was anything passive aggressive about that!

He insisted on buying my diet cokes on Tuesday (pointing out that I'm a cheap date these days) and he stayed after his friends left to talk to me with some more dull conversation. Then he walked me home and gave me a hug in which my face got squished into his chest and he rubbed my back. He is a sweet guy. I'm just not into him, and I wonder what we're still doing hanging out.

In any event, that was Tuesday night. I got home just after midnight and was restless. I texted Narc something slightly suggestive and regret it immediately after. Maybe I did it because TT made me feel wanted and I'm more "comfortable" feeling rejected. I had to return myself to reject-mode. It worked. I shut my phone and went to sleep with a slight knot in my stomach.

On Wednesday morning I had one task before me-- get up and do some work!! That wasn't really happening. I read an article or two and plopped back into bed with some TV. Then I walked across the street to pick up a bite to eat, brought it home and crawled back into bed with my lunch and Beauty and the Geek. My phone buzzed. It was Narc!

Narc: Around?
Hyde: What's up?
Narc: Coming over to your place.
Hyde: ? Where are you?
Narc: Coming over! Be there in 10 min
Hyde: But it's a wreck!
Narc: I shall survive. Heading up now.
Hyde: I have a voice lesson...
Narc: Few blocks away.


In the midst of this texting frenzy, I was madly dashing around my house, scooping up piles of clothes, throwing things into closets, sweeping the floors, wiping down counters... I was sweaty and crazy. Oh-- and I also had to clear the "history" on my computer, take the blogs out of my bookmarked list and quickly scan for any diaries or other things lying around that might be cause for discomfort. I can't tell you the state I was in! But there was also that delicious excitement that he was coming, that he was coming without asking, that he would be in my home, in my space, in moments. He hadn't been here since last December! I don't know... I'm just crazy about the guy.

And then he was here. It was absolutely epic. The doorman buzzed me, letting me know he was coming up, but Narc didn't bother ringing the doorbell. He just walked in. He kissed me. It wasn't an intense sexual kiss, but it was more open lipped than a "hello" kiss. It was a weird kiss that carried with it all sorts of expectations and assumptions and comfortableness.

"I brought you an apple strudel from Blaue Gans," he said, shaking the plastic container in his hand.

"Aww, that's sweet! But you know I can't eat sugar," I smiled. "But thanks anyway..."

"But I brought it for you," he said. "I thought you would like it, so I brought it for you."

"But Narc, I can't eat it."

"You can try a bite," he grinned, handing me the container.

"I really can't."

"There's not that much sugar in it. I brought it for you."

"What if I get sick?"

"You're not going to die from a bite of strudel."

"Okay. But take care of me if I do!"

I had a bite. It was delicious. I didn't die.

"Thanks for thinking of me," I said. "It was really sweet."

"Can you get me a cigarette?" he asked.

"Yeah, sure. Do you want a diet coke too?"

He was taking his shirt off. "Too many clothes," he laughed.

"I can't take off my bottoms," I said, while awkwardly watching him disrobe.

"Still bleeding?"

"Yeah."

It was weird. The whole mood in the place was weird. I had been listening to Everything but the Girl's acoustic album. Half a cigarette was dangling from my fingers. I stamped it out.

"You can finish your cigarette," he laughed.

"Yeah, well I don't want to."

I came around to where he was sitting and kneeled down. Whenever I don't know what to do, I always want to just give a blow job. Tasks are good when one feels lost.

It was extra hot for me. Broad daylight. The suddenness of it all. My knees on the floor. Narc looking down on me. I loved locking eyes with him.

"I want to come inside of you," he said, pushing me onto my back and climbing on top of me.

"Narc, I told you that I can't today..."

"That's why it's safe," he said. He was pulling my pants off.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. We'll be fine."

"Okay."

I don't know why I said okay. I said it for the same reason I ate the apple strudel, knowing it might make me sick. I have no clue what that reason is, but I did them both for the same reason.

And it was awesome. It was fucking amazing. My thighs and hips are still feeling it though. I was so in love with him in that moment. He looked in my eyes with a look I've ever only seen on his face once before (and that was back in March 2005, but I'll never forget it!). When he finished, he didn't pull out. Instead, he just stayed there, inside me, collapsed on top of me, completely together with me until he was ready to go again. I pushed his hair back and kissed him. I love him so much. I really do. Everything was perfect in that moment. Everything.

Anyway, after as much more of that as we could both manage, he went to take a shower and I tried to clean up the kicked over boxes of protein-drinks, the shoved away love-seat and whatever else had been toppled or turned in the process.

Narc came out of the shower in a towel that I had gotten for him and laid down on the couch. I was fiddling at the computer.

"We need some new music," I said. He agreed.

I played him the Little Mermaid remix that I made with Hammer and the Alaskan. He laughed.

You sound good," he said. "But you guys need to add bass."

"We were just screwing around with it..."

And then... oh God... I can't believe what happened next! The Little Mermaid song is saved on iTunes with my name listed as the "artist." Well, I also have all of Narc's voice-mails saved on my computer and they're in my iTunes list with my name as the arist. So, just as the mermaid song was ending, Narc's voice came through the speakers in some ancient message. I was mortified. I shut it off as soon as I could.

"I just save all my old voice mails," I hastily explained. "All the ones that have some meaning..." I stammered. "See? Here's one from my mom for Rochie's birthday."

I clicked on my mom's message to play it.

"And here's one from Brick! And one from my grandma!"

Thank god I had a few other ones there.

"Why do you save all those?" he asked, one eyebrow raised.

"I don't know... You know me!" I tried to laugh. I came over to where he was sitting on the couch. "If I don't save things, I lose my grip on reality. I convince myself that some things never happened. I still have messages from my relationship with B!"

"When the aliens land, they'll use what you've left to reconstruct human civilization," he said, dryly.

"Maybe. But it's for me that I save it... not for anyone else."

I just wanted to change the subject. Ugh!!! I hate that that happened!!!

In any case, the mood changed again and Narc must have been distracted because he told me to masturbate. And then he wanted to masturbate and come and have me "clean it all up." And then I had to go to my voice lesson.

I didn't want to leave him in my house. He wasn't moving to get dressed.

"So..." I began with hesitation, "What are you going to do?"

"I've got nothing to do right now. Can't go home. Out of money."

"What? How's that?"

"There should be some more in my account later. But I can't even get home right now."

"Wanna come with me to my lesson?"

"Um... no.. not really. I think I'll just stay here."

"Are you even gonna ask me if it's okay to stay here?"

I really didn't want to leave him in my house alone.

"Is it okay for me to stay here?" he asked sarcastically.

"Yeah, it's okay."

We walked into the bedroom. I was putting lipstick on and trying to find a hairband to sweep my hair back into a ponytail. He laid on top of my bed. I handed him the remote.

"Just don't read my diaries," I said.

"Hyde," he sighed, "You have no idea how little interest I have in reading your diaries! You have nothing to worry about."

"Um... I hope so..."

And I was off.

My voice lesson was kind of incredible. It was so hard, but in a good way. I can't support my rib-cage in the same way with the extra pounds off, and my core muscles just aren't up to the task yet. I was exhausted with the workout she was giving me! By the end of the lesson, I was ready to call it quits, but I was also elated. She also assigned me a new song to work on--Massenet's Pleurez, pleurez mes yeux! It's Romantic, it's dramatic and it's in a minor key. I can't think of anything more delicious!

I was nervous in the cab heading back to my apartment. Do you all remember that masturbation incident back on Valentine's Day 2005, when I left Narc and Anxious together in my apartment? I was also coming back from a voice lesson when I walked in on that scene. It was running through my mind in a loop.

However, this time when I arrived home, it was different. Narc was curled up asleep in my bed, under the covers. My room was golden and glowing and cozy, like I like it, only to see him there... in my bed... my heart was aching in a good way. Lethal Weapon IV was playing on the TV. I laid down next to him and kissed his head. He opened his eyes.

"Get undressed and come under the covers," he murmured.

I did. He put his hands around my waist and pulled me into his chest.

"I jerked off in your bed after you left," he said. "I just liked being in your bed."

I buried my face deeper in his neck. More beautiful sex ensued. He choked me a little. Everything, everything-- perfect, perfect, perfect.

I was physically drained, though, from all the sex and my voice lesson.

Narc wanted to get dinner. We decided on sushi. I sang an aria for him before we left-- Pace mio dio. I think he was impressed.

It was raining. I was worried that he might catch a cold. The sushi was entirely delicious. I liked the "dinosaur roll." We talked about a lot of things. He told me again about that girl who lived in the house with him in New Orleans-- the one who slept with his best friend. We talked again about PopStar. I told him that I know that he knew he was fooling himself the whole time. He agreed that he never really liked her. Even so, he will never get over any of it. Narc is such a victim. It's weird for me to see, now that I'm recovery, that all he has to do is get it out in a fourth step! He told me about his first drink and all that it did. Do people who are not alcoholics remember their first drink? Is it magic for everyone? He told me about his 18th birthday, about how his "host mother" in Japan is the only "family" he feels like he ever had.

It was a nice dinner. I love him.

On our way home, he stopped at an ATM and gave me cash for the meal. I guess the money had materialized while we were eating.

Back at my place, I called Hammer back and then called Pixie back. We hung out for a while longer, but got into bed pretty early. Side by side we watched Beauty and the Geek. It was so damn domestic! Then Narc watched South Park while I took a shower. When I got out, I climbed back into bed and put my head on his chest.

"What I wouldn't give for some Half Baked right now," he said. "You don't have any ice cream, do you?"

"No... no sugar, remember?"

"Oh yeah."

"But we could go get some," I said. "The deli's right across the street."

"Nah... I don't want to go out now. It's raining, and we're both in for the night."

"I can go get it," I volunteered.

"What? No! Don't be ridiculous, Hyde..."

"It's not ridiculous! I don't mind getting it for you."

"You're turned in already... you're not going out."

"I don't mind!" I insisted. "I want to go!" (I really did. Again, don't ask me why, but I had a burning desire to go get him that ice cream.)

"It's done!" I declared, leaping up out of bed and pulling on my jeans.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I'll be back in ten!"

I got him ice cream and a little bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and I got myself a mini bag of pretzels.

"I never see you here anymore," the late-night deli-man said.

"Yeah, that's because first I stopped drinking and then I stopped eating ice cream!" I laughed.

We both looked down at the Half Baked I was about to pay for.

"That's for a friend," I interjected. Then I felt lame for having said that. Whatever...

Narc was like a little kid when I gave him the ice cream. He ate it in bed. I was so happy to make him happy. I love being able to make him happy. (Why? Because I know at the core that I will always fail to make him TRULY happy. I can't really fix things for him. At least I can bring him ice cream, though!)

And then I burrowed down back into him and we went to bed. Did I say, already, that I love him?

Just before we fell asleep, we watched the only saved episode of Sex in the City that I have on my DVR-- the one with the dominos and Mr. Big's blocked heart! My world was in some sort of metaphysical collapse.

This morning my alarm went off at 7:30 AM. I got dressed in the bathroom to let him sleep for a while. Pixie called me at 8:15 for our Thursday morning prayer. I prayed quietly in the living room. Just as I was going back in to check on Narc, I was shocked that he was getting up and dressed of his own accord.

"Good morning!" I smiled.

"It's an ungodly hour," he said.

It was about 8:40 AM.

"Tell me about it," I laughed. We are such night owls!

We got in cabs at the same time.

Didn't get to hug you goodbye, so here's my hug via text! :) I wrote.

Aww! (hug), he answered.

Anyway, today was a pretty good day. I taught this morning and then gave two makeup exams and then came home and took care of some paperwork and then mentally prepped myself for the meeting tonight. I was the speaker at my homegroup's beginner meeting. I was sooooo nervous! I don't know why, but I just was.

It was great, though, because I just spoke and in doing so realized how much I had to offer. I can't even tell you what an enormous amount of positive feedback and praise I got afterwards. Several people told me I said just what they had needed to hear. Others told me that I was eloquent, clear, wonderful. Pixie told me that she doesn't know what she did to get so lucky to have a woman like me in her life. It felt so good to be of service like that. I know that my life isn't in perfect order right now and that I'm still pretty fucked up when it comes to Narc and that I still haven't finished my incompletes, but I was able to help others. I'm not perfect, but I've got pretty amazing recovery. It felt good.

So, I was in good spirits tonight. I walked home from my meeting, smoking cigarettes and gabbing with my mom en route.

It's just after midnight. Not sure what to do with myself for the rest of the night. Logic dictates going to bed, but TT invited me back to Cheers. Narc texted not too long ago to tell me that he saw the preview for 24. I wrote back, but he didn't answer. My guess is that he's out with friends. I shouldn't be guessing, though. That's my obsessive anxiety and I don't need it. I need to permit myself to be at peace tonight because everything is good tonight. I don't know that it will stay that way, but it's good right now.

It's good right now. And that's epic.

love,
h