In Discord

I am so emotionally exhausted right now, that I'm not even sure what to write. Thursday night with Narc was bad... like I said... spiritually, verbally and physically abusive and I didn't leave and I didn't get mad and I didn't cry or get sad. I didn't do anything except have sex with him like he wanted to. It's like I become a robot. I have no access to my feelings with him. I was floating and numb and betraying myself and it was strange and awful. I could never treat anyone else as badly as I treat myself.

The next morning I nudged him awake and told him that we "needed to talk."

"About what?"

"About what happened last night. Do you remember?"

"Of course!" he said.

I wasn't sure whether to believe him, so I repeated everything that had happened, every name he had called me... everything. He seemed annoyed and told me that I was making a big deal out of nothing. I told him that it hurt me.

"What do you want from me?" he asked.

"I want you to just hear what I'm saying and take it in somewhere," I said.

"Fine. Done."

Of course, I still didn't get up and didn't leave and ended up having even more sex with him, but that's just because I am a robot.

Later, when I was getting set to leave his place, I tried to remind him.

"Don't forget what we talked about," I said.

"What did we talk about?" he asked, innocently.

"Narc," I sighed. "This is just not working for me. It's not working as it is."

"Okay, hon," he said, leaning in to give me a hug. "I'm sure we'll figure something out."

I couldn't reattach my head to the rest of my body for at least another day after that. I floated my way through therapy and afterwards called a friend from AA.

"Just re-set right now," she said. "Come to a meeting tonight, hang out afterwards... within 24 hours you can be aligned again where you need to be."

I agreed and went to my home group's Friday night meeting (which I don't usually attend since it's on the Upper West Side.)

I'm glad that I did. I felt like I was falling, but falling into a safety net.

Afterwards, Cherubino and I went to Starbucks and talked for a long, long time. There is a lot of good that came out of that conversation for me, but I'm too numb right now to get into it.

And after that, I met up with Pixie and we walked across the city, all the way back to my neighborhood and then to a park bench where we shivered and chatted. I was glad to be able to help her with some romantic troubles of her own. It made me feel useful and helped me to get out of my own head.

On Saturday I slept in. I think I needed it. I relaxed at home by myself for most of the afternoon, just trying to regroup. Narc sent me a text in the afternoon.

How's your day going so far? he asked.

It's fine. How's yours? I replied.

He said that he was home curled up on his couch being depressed. I take it he had gone out binge drinking for the third night in a row and was feeling it. I told him I was feeling depressed too.

Sending positive thoughts your way! he wrote.

I think that's as much of a spontaneous apology as I can ever hope to get from him.

Later on in the afternoon, we both ended up on the computer and saw each other online.

Here is our conversation:

4:27 PM

Hyde:
ha ha... are you actually online? Feeling any better?

Narc:
Still alive...
Barely!
Just got up from couch to walk into my bedroom, and definitely felt very weak
Ugh...
No more drinks for a while for this one!

Hyde:
were you out again last night?

Narc:
Indeed
Like the third night in a row

Hyde:
hmmm...

Narc:
Figured I was safe by avoiding James

Hyde:
maybe you need to avoid yourself

Narc:
But Laurie is equally a partner in crime!
Indeed
So will have to tell them both to take it down a notch, for sure
(sigh)

Hyde:
yeah, it's no good...
I'm worried a little about you

Narc:
Me too

Hyde:
But it's in your control

Narc:
Need to get my life together
I know
Do my writing, make some money somehow
(sigh)

Hyde:
You always say that

Narc:
I know!!

Hyde:
So, what are you doing about it today?

Narc:
Just recovering today

Hyde:
And tonight?

Narc:
Want to get out for a little bit
But just feel so weak...

Hyde:
You were breathing really hard on Thursday night.

Narc:
May see ModelChick and/or James tonight
But NO drinks!!
Yes, some days are better than others
With the breathing
Sometimes I'm fine, other times, really out of breath

Hyde:
Aren't you worried that you will be sick again?

Narc:
You mean, another blood clot?

Hyde:
yeah

Narc:
God I hope not

Hyde:
That's what scared me about the breathing

Narc:
Well I do have this filter in place

Hyde:
Being out of shape is one thing, but wheezing and blood clots are another

Narc:
So technically, if another clot were to happen, the filter should catch it

Hyde:
even if you're smoking and doing drugs and alcohol? Really?
It's just scary, that's all...

Narc:
Yeah, I know...
Well I'm only smoking a few cigs a week
But still, alcohol does thicken the blood
Which is the opposite of what I want!

Hyde:
I guess you can manage your health on your own, but Thursday scared me... you were messed up when you called me early that morning and then you were REALLY messed up that night and couldn't breathe well...
It's hard to watch b/c I am a worrier

Narc:
I know
But I am a survivor!!
(grin)

Hyde:
so far...

Narc:
At least, so far

Hyde:
exactly
Well, let's not be so morbid...

Narc:
Ugh...
Who knows, maybe I'll find my way into AA soon enough!

Hyde:
Who knows... It's turning my life around. I have nothing bad to say about it...
But you have to want it, I guess

Narc:
I don't want to never drink again, though
I just want to drink less

Hyde:
Nobody in AA can make you drink or not drink...
It's up to you. It's just a different perspective

Narc:
And it seems like every time I go out now, it ends up being yet another late one

Hyde:
That's what was happening to me.

Narc:
Where are all my responsible friends!!

Hyde:
I couldn't manage it. I kept saying it wouldn't happen and then it did

Narc:
Yeah, indeed

Hyde:
You have to be responsible for yourself, n'est pas?

Narc:
True true

Hyde:
If you don't want it, don't drink that night

Narc:
Well I never PLAN on staying out late
It just kinda--happens...
(sigh)

Hyde:
That's what kept happening to me. That's why I don't drink at all. For me, I feel like if I start, I have no clue where the night will end

Narc:
Man, this is depressing!

Hyde:
Yeah, but it doesn't have to be. My life is better, not worse now
I thought it would suck, but it doesn't.

Narc:
Seems like it

Hyde:
It just clears space for everything else

Narc:
I'm just not being a very good person lately
If I ever was!

Hyde:
why do you say that?

Narc:
I don't know...
Just been really, really depressed lately

Hyde:
that makes you a bad person?

Narc:
I should be doing better
I can't even update my blog!!
(grin)

Hyde:
I wish you could see how much is in your control, even if it feels like it's not. I have 100% faith that you can turn things around if you take the actions you need to.
The actions are unpleasant though.
It means changing a lot about your life.

Narc:
Well again, I don't want to never drink again...
I just can't do this "three nights in a row" thing
My body is paying the price
As I sit here trying to recover...
Too weak to go out, yet too anxious to sleep or rest
Worst feeling

Hyde:
I remember that feeling
I get like that when I'm depressed still

Narc:
Yeah, it's no fun

Hyde:
It helps me to be around nurturing people though... That's what I did last night and it really helped.

Narc:
So will have to make some changes
Oh?

Hyde:
Friends who really have my best interest at heart
I don't think any of us can do this thing... life... without support.

Narc:
Sounds nice

Hyde:
It is tough

Narc:
I may need to start seeing my therapist again
Just to talk out some of my issues, I suppose...

Hyde:
That might be a good idea.
I don't know... I just felt so disconnected before
sometimes I still do.

Narc:
Yes, I feel numb all the time now
"Disconnected" is a good way of putting it

Hyde:
It's spiritual sickness.

Narc:
Yes, it's called "life"!
Seems like almost all of it qualifies as spiritual sickness

Hyde:
Well, life can be beautiful and connected too...
The sickness is my perception

Narc:
That would be nice

Hyde:
A friend of mine is always telling me to be an "action hero"
Nothing changes if nothing changes

Narc:
Like the Arnold movie!
all that kind of stuff
Yes

Hyde:
yeah... But even reading one article for my paper or getting myself to call a friend to ask how they're doing and get out of my own head

Narc:
Well it seems like you're on your way

Hyde:
now I feel like an action hero doing those things.
Who knows...

Narc:
A year from now all of your incompletes will be done!

Hyde:
I just want you to be happy, narc.

Narc:
Then you shall be on top

Hyde:
It frustrates me that I can't wave a magic wand

Narc:
If only we had the wand!
I would wave it and make everyone happy if I could

Hyde:
I guess we just all have to take responsibility for ourselves without the wand to speed things up

Narc:
Yes
Still, I don't know why I'm so depressed all the time
Or why any of us are
Something about this city, maybe

Hyde:
I don't think it's the city. I think it's that disconnect from the universe and other people and the obsession with self

Narc:
Which NYC does seem to foster!

Hyde:
I think the suburbs are worse

Narc:
Which reminds me, my friend S is moving here in a few days...
Wonder how she'll take to it

Hyde:
we shall see...

Narc:
Yes, suburban living really would kill me!

Hyde:
At least in the city, there are tons of people to connect to if you choose to

Narc:
Indeed
It would just be nice if it didn't have to involve drinking all the time!

Hyde:
It doesn't!!
Hello... I haven't had a drink in a year and a half

Narc:
It's tougher, though
Geez, and the thing is, I don't even really enjoy it!
I'm just drinking because everyone else is

Hyde:
Not really... it's easier to connect your true self when you meet people sober. Many of the people I met drunk didn't know the real me at all
And i suddenly had multiple "acts" going on...

Narc:
Yeah...
Funny how that works

Hyde:
What would happen that's so awful if you tried laying off drinking for a while if it's knocking you out like this?

Narc:
Well it would be tougher hanging out with James and Laurie
That's about it

Hyde:
if you don't like it, you can always drink again whenever you want

Narc:
True

Hyde:
But if James and Laurie are your friends, they'll hang out with you in other contexts too

Narc:
Yes, surely

Hyde:
All I know is that it made my life better.
That's the only place I can speak from on it...

Narc:
Hmm
Well perhaps I will debate taking a break from drinking entirely
Since the "I'll only have one or two" thing isn't working

Hyde:
I can't imagine that working... You are a drinker. Remember your "drinking club" concept?

Narc:
Which one?
You mean "The Fitzgerald"?

Hyde:
No... You said that there were certain people who were "drinkers" and you were naming them into a club
Was a long time ago... just a random conversation

Narc:
(grin)
Don't remember that one

Hyde:
yeah, well you and I were both members

Narc:
But perhaps I shall have to keep myself out of that one!
Just to be safe
I will start a Diet Coke drinking club instead

Hyde:
I just think that if your life isn't working for you as it is, you should reassess and try something different
Yay. I can join that one now!
Back on carbonated...

Narc:
Woohoo!!
Red Bull even?

Hyde:
I don't think I can chug red bull at the rate to join a club anymore
I have to limit my caffeine
But once upon a time...

Narc:
Oh yes, back in the day...!
Mmm... Red Bull...
I could go for one of those right now, actually
Haven't eaten anything all day

Hyde:
It's so weird, what I've done to my body this year... gone off booze, caffeine, drugs... gained 40 pounds and then lost 50
I think my body is freaked out.
You should go eat! That's probably why you're feeling so low energy

Narc:
Well it must be healing now!
Too weak to leave the apartment

Hyde:
seamlessweb??

Narc:
Yeah, I'll have something delivered

Hyde:
I will be down in Union Square later if you want to get coffee or something...

Narc:
I just hope I feel a bit better soon, so I can get out for a little while
Well I might see a movie with ModelChick and/or James

Hyde:
What are you seeing?

Narc:
Not sure where though
ModelChick wants to see "Darjeeling Limited", which is at Union Square
I wanted to see "Sleuth" instead, though
Will see
Well give a text later, if you're downtown...

Hyde:
What is "sleuth"?

Narc:
New Jude Law / Michael Caine movie
Remake
Probably just OK, not great

Hyde:
I want to see that cop movie

Narc:
Oh?
Which one?

Hyde:
The one with Joaquin Phoenix and Mark Wahlberg

Narc:
Oh, right

Hyde:
did you see it?

Narc:
No, but heard bad things, alas

Hyde:
Oh no... :(

Narc:
Was invited to the premiere with Steve
But didn't go
Go see "Lust Caution" instead!!

Hyde:
I want to, but I have no one to go with. B loves Ang Lee but won't go with me. He said he's only in the mood for "light-hearted."

Narc:
Hmm
Light-hearted it is not!

Hyde:
I'll have to ask around more aggressively, I guess... find someone...
Maybe I'll drag Bezoukhoff.

Narc:
Sure you can find someone to go with!

Hyde:
He even watched my soap with me... and cooked me dinner
was nice

Narc:
Wow!

Hyde:
ha ha

Narc:
Most impressive

Hyde:
I feel bad... But he likes being "chivalrous" as he puts it
I guess it's not so bad to let myself be treated well by someone

Narc:
The worshipee becomes the worshipped!!

Hyde:
It's good practice for me

Narc:
Indeed
Well hon I'm going to try and get some food in me
Feeling so weak...
Ugh

Hyde:
ok. Hope it helps. Please, please, PLEASE take care of yourself.

Narc:
I will try
Promise!

Hyde:
And give some thought to switching things up a bit
have fun at the movies

Narc:
I am, believe me
If I even make the movies!!
May just stay in tonight, if I'm feeling this bad

Hyde:
k. Well, text later if you feel like it. I've got to run to a meeting myself. My sponsor is speaking tonight.

Narc:
K
Give you a text later then
Ciao for now!

Hyde:
bye

Anyway, after that I sped out of the house in time to get to the Union Square meeting. Cherubino was qualifying and I hadn't heard her before. She was great and it felt good to be there. Even though it was a new meeting, I knew at least six or seven people in the room. Afterwards, I went out to the diner with Cherubino and two others. Then Cherubino and I set off for a stroll around the Union Square. She bought a printer, we walked into the East Village, and then she headed home. I went to get myself some bubble tea and called Pixie. She was out in the West Village with a bunch of other AA friends. Even though I was tired, I told her I would stop by.

I met them all at the park accross from Magnolia. Some of them were off to a comedy club to celebrate someone's 1-year. I walked them over there, chatting with Pixie en route, but decided not to join them for the show. I just wanted to go home, so that's what I did.

Back at my place, I was flopped on my bed watching TV when Narc called.

"Are you feeling any better?" I asked.

"Sort of. Never made it to the movie. Went to Mary Ann's with James and only managed to eat one shrimp."

"Well, I guess it's better that you're taking it easy tonight," I said. "Your body is trying to tell you something."

He asked if I wanted to come over. I hesitated.

"If you don't want to, that's fine," he said. "I mean-- I'd come up to you if I weren't feeling so sick."

"It's not that, Narc," I began. "It's just that... well, I'm still feeling weird about what happened on Thursday night."

"What happened Thursday night?"

"When you were so mean to me..."

This conversation was REALLY awkward.

"I was probably just angry about something else, Hyde... depressed. To be honest, I don't even remember anything like that."

"Well, it was mean," I said. "And I told you it hurt my feelings and you didn't care. I guess I'm just feeling weird. In the past when these sort of things would happen between us, I was drunk too. So... the next day, if we 'scrapped it,' it made sense. But now I'm sober, I was there. I remember, even if you don't. If I don't say anything to you about it, it's like denying my reality or something... it feels weird. I guess I just need to be able to say this to you."

"Well, of course you can say whatever you need to say to me."

"Is that an apology?" I asked, hesitantly.

"Of course I'm sorry!" he laughed. "Did I not say that? I mean, I obviously didn't mean any of those things-- whatever I did or said."

"It was just hard to be there."

"Yeah, well I guess I have to lay off the booze for a few nights."

"Probably a good idea."

"So... do you want to come down?"

"Um... yeah, sure. Give me half an hour."

And then I went. I'm not sure why. I know I shouldn't have because I need to recover and gain some clarity... but I did.

We watched some TV. It was cold in his apartment. Most buildings haven't turned on the heat yet, but the nights are getting chilly. I smoked a cigarette out the window. He was on the couch huddled under a blanket. We got into bed early. He pulled me in close. I felt good, but there was something misaligned in me... something twisting in the pit of my stomach. I am out of sync with the universe right now. I am in complete discord.

Narc kept waking me up in the middle of the night with bad dreams. I hardly remember what they were about because I was half asleep as he was telling me. In one of them, though, he was being raped. I wasn't sure what to say. I was paranoid that my freezing hands would make him cold.

The next morning I got up at 9:00 to get dressed for my cousin's baptism. I was in the bathroom applying my makeup when he came in. I was surprised he got up. He took a shower and fogged up the mirrors. I finished getting ready.

"I just couldn't sleep anymore," he said.

My mom picked me up on Long Island. Narc sent me a text-- something about finally gettinig out of the house and eating French onion soup, which was "hitting the spot." I wrote back that I was in the car with my mom listening to her Spanish tapes.

The baptism was boring. I hate to say it, because I usually like church, but you couldn't understand a thing the Priest was saying and there were restless kids racing around everywhere. The best part for me was a beautiful shrine to St. Lucy, who, as you all know, is my favorite saint. After the service we headed over to an Italian place for "the meal." My stepfather's family is a mega-Italian family and this was to be a mega-Italian meal.

We got to the restaurant at around 1:30 and they were serving appetizer courses, one at a time until 4:30 when I had to leave. I didn't even get to see the pasta or the main dish. It was the longest most spaced out meal I have ever endured. I had to get to AA, though, so my mom agreed to drive me to the train.

It was a good meeting last night. The speaker was charismatic and funny and she said exactly what I needed to hear. I wish they made a tape of our Sunday night meetings because I'd love to listen to it again.

Today I'm heading to the library to do some work and then meeting B for coffee and then meeting Leseco's sponsee for some coffee and then going to my meditation meeting. Overall, not a bad day, but I'm feeling behind in my work and stressed out about it. I'm also feeling raw... raw, hurt and in discord, and very, very tired.

Cherubino asked me when it was that I last cried. At first, I could only remember crying last December. Then, thankfully, I remembered an episode of tears this past April. Even so, it's scary, because I used to cry maybe 5 times a week. I was a "crier." I always have been. Why can't I access my heart anymore? Why can't I live my feelings? Why am I such a robot? I think that if I can connect to my feelings, I won't be able to let Narc treat me the way he did on Thursday night. But things have already been restored to "normal." I may have lost the window on this "episode."

Anyway, that's it for now. Hope you all had a great weekend.

Lots of love,
h