Winds of Change

A few more words on Wednesday evening...

I went with Bezoukhoff and a friend of his to see Goya's Ghost's, a movie that was visually rich with a decidedly creepy (but beautiful) ending. Bezoukhoff brought a friend along from the Sociology department. It's always strange to be around academics from different departments. They just speak differently, or think differently, or something.

Anyway, Bezoukhoff came back to my place with me afterwards. We were chatting and I was winding down towards bedtime (like a good girl who knows how to practice self care) when I got a text from Narc.

Taking a break from the writing. What are you up to tonight?

Wait-- before I go any further with my story, let me first say this-- I had just gotten an email from Narc the day before telling me that he wasn't available to hang out for the foreseeable future. "As you wish," had been my reply. So, you can imagine my surprise at this most recent text. Perhaps none of you are surprised, as this seems to have become a part of our pattern at this point. In any case, I was immediately conflicted about what to do.

On the one hand, I missed him, I wanted to see him, I've been feeling a little depressed and insecure, I was afraid if I didn't take him up on his offer it might not come again for quite some time. On the other hand, I am two weeks out of surgery, really not in shape to be doing anything other than resting and going to AA, it was after 10:00 PM, and then of course there's my emotional equilibrium.

I wrote back: Not much. Just watched Goya's Ghosts with Bezoukhoff. Wanna meet up?

Narc: Come down.
Hyde: For a few hours?
Narc: That or the night, as you like.

Narc: So? coming?
Hyde: On my way.

And, so I was.

Bezoukhoff joined me for the cab ride down there-- something that hasn't happened since my birthday in 2004 (a crazy and rather unpleasant night which I don't care to remember right now).

When I got upstairs, Narc answered the door naked-- a fact which I wasn't sure whether or not I should acknowledge. So, I smiled sheepishly and didn't comment. Instead, I dropped my bag where I always do and settled in on the couch. Narc did too and soon made an announcement.

"There's a no clothing policy tonight," he said. "All the clothes have to come off."

I found this to be a rather unbelievable comment given both the state of our (friendship? relationship?) and also given the condition of my body at the moment.

"I can't take my clothes off Narc," I said. "I'm still bandaged around my gut!"

"Oh, so you have to be seduced?" he half smirked, half smiled.

"I guess so."

Narc was watching a Planet Earth dvd. It was gorgeous on his huge TV screen, but still a strange sort of choice, I thought. Anyway, it wasn't long before we started making out and then one thing led to another and my clothes came off. Unlike the last time I was there, it felt okay to me emotionally. Unlike the last time, he actually kissed me and held me. But strangely, (super strangely!) I didn't feel in love.

PopStarChick had officially been exorcised from the apartment. It was neat again, as Narc likes it and there was not a trace of her. The only thing new in the apartment was a set of weights.

"Check them out," he said, "You just dial the amount you want to lift and then lift. Give it a try."

"I'm really not supposed to be lifting anything right now," I said.

"So, just do five pounds!"

I did.

While we're on the subject of PopStar, I did ask Narc about her.

"Are you guys still friends? Are you still talking?" I asked him.

"Well, she's back in Russia right now for the month," he said. "But not really. I mean, she's not a nice person as a human being. Everything is always all about her. She uses people. But, I don't know... We'll probably be friends at some point, I suppose. I'm still friends with all of my ex's."

"Well, if she doesn't make you feel good, you don't have to see her," I said. "You have to take care of yourself!"

I was feeling very protective of him at that moment.

"If I avoided people who didn't make me feel good, I wouldn't have any friends," he laughed.

"Oh,"

"Well, at least you didn't get married!" I smiled.

"I know! That's what I told her-- I said thank god for the blood clots because otherwise I really would have married her."

At that I couldn't contain myself and started laughing out loud.

"You actually said that to her?!"

"Yeah. What's the big deal?"

"That you're glad you almost died because the worse alternative is marrying her?"

He laughed too.

After that, Narc wanted to show me the demo of some new video game that is being released on Tuesday--Bioshock. He insisted that I play through it. Despite the fact that I was fumbling with the controllers and didn't know what I was doing, it was beautiful, frightening and engaging. It was set in some sort of underwater "Metropolis" inspired by Ayn Rand. Interesting...

After that, it was getting late, but we watched some more TV and then I insisted on bed. Narc wasn't tired at all, as he had slept in until 6:00 PM that day after another late night of partying with James. (His new neighborhood spot is Cirque Rouge, he explained.)

But, to bed it was. And there I had sex with him for the first time in six months. And it hurt because of the surgery and I felt a little weird, but overall it was nice but I was again strangely unmoved. Narc had two enormous bruises on his body.

"What happened?" I asked.

He shrugged with a half smile. "Late night?" he suggested.

I forgot what that was like.

So much is changing in my life, so much is happening so fast, that I can't quite understand my own feelings right now and in this case, I don't think I should try. Instead, I'm trying to just sit with everything the way it is and let it be okay if my feelings for him are changing. I don't have to be in love with him forever. Do I?

I felt close to him that night, sleeping next to him, but in a "just friends" kind of way. What is happening to me?

The next morning when I woke up, I was in considerable pain, just from the previous night's activities and from trying to sleep on my side so I could cuddle with him (it still hurts to be in positions other than on my back). But I had sex with him again in the morning too because I wanted to. I have a lot of mixed feelings about all of that right now... not because of Narc, but because I'm not sure what my priorities are. It hurt. I had surgery. I wasn't taking care of myself. I want to take care of myself. But I wanted to say "fuck it!" and not worry about anything and not care about myself. I don't care about myself enough. But I care about myself more than I ever did before. Being with him, I used to love neglecting and negating myself. It's cloudier now. I don't know... I don't know how I feel. I'm going to stop writing on this particular subject right now because I just don't know what else to say...

So, that was that. After we got out of bed, Narc took a shower and I got dressed while watching Man vs. Wild. I was sad to go. I really was. He gave me a sweet hug goodbye. I had to leave because I had therapy.

Therapy: Waaaaay too much to discuss!!! The surgery, B's wedding, the stuff with Narc, the fact that I missed about two weeks of AA, LilSis' wedding coming up, school starting and the stress I have over my incompletes. Hardly any of it was accomplished and my therapist is going to be away next week, but at least we made a beginning. I didn't even remember to bring up the antidepressants.

I went off my antidepressants when I got the surgery because I can only take crushed pills right now and when I tried to take them crushed, the taste was so bitter and so disgusting (even hidden in applesauce or a drink) that it made me gag. And gagging hurt like hell when I tried it. (I suggested snorting it, but my mother was not amused!) But I've been starting to feel depressed again the past few days... not just depressed, but that lonely, scratchy, "I want to crawl out of my skin and go out, out, OUT" feeling that I used to get, always preceding a bender, even when I didn't want to drink. Last night that feeling was back with a vengeance. So, I decided to give the antidepressants another go. I gagged again, but I guess I'm healed up enough that gagging wasn't torture. So, hopefully I'll feel better being back on them.

In any case, after therapy yesterday, I quickly ran out of energy. I was absolutely spent and had to spend the rest of the day napping in bed, unable even to get out to AA. I felt really dumb and guilty that I pushed myself so far the night before with Narc and then wasn't even able to do what I needed to do for myself in terms of AA. Hating myself doesn't' do anyone any good though. I think I'm just frustrated. I want this recovery time to be over, but it will probably take a few more weeks. I have no patience. And patience is exactly what I need.

Yesterday was the 30th anniversary of when Elvis died. I wanted to do something fabulous to mark the occasion. It didn't quite work out that way, but StarGazer came over last night to bring me some AA speaker tapes and we ended up talking a lot about Elvis and looking at pictures of him and listening to his music and so, I felt he was honored and that has to be enough for me.

This afternoon I met BigSis for lunch to work on a toast for LilSis' wedding next week. We worked something out and I've got to type it up tonight.

But overall, things are a little weird right now. Hammer has been away for so long. B is away on his honeymoon. Cherubino is away in North Carolina. Anxious is in Salamanca. Bezoukhoff is heading to DC for the weekend. The sky is gray. All of NYC seems empty. I just can't wait for the fall. I can't wait for Rosh Hashana. I am ready for a new year. I can't wait to wear my winter jacket.

Well... I'm going to go back to watching Mystery Diagnosis right now... one of my latest favorite shows.

Hope you are all well!

love,
h