Skin Crawling

I'm feeling a little wiser about certain things these days... GoldenFinch told me that her husband's brother is in the process of admitting that he's an alcoholic, but that he's going to try "moderation." She said that since he needs a drink to fall asleep, he's going to try to drink only after 3:00 PM. I remember setting myself up again and again for that kind of failure. It sounds so insane to me from my current vantage point. I guess I can only pray for him and hope that he proves to himself sooner rather than later, that for true alcoholics, there is no such thing as successful moderation.

GoldenFinch also told me that her sister started up some sort of Britney Spears website supporting a "Britney Comeback." Apparently the website was featured on TMZ and has already gotten thousands and thousands of hits. I went over there to check it out. All of it seems so incredibly stupid-- to view whatever Britney is going through as a battle between "negative media" and "supportive fans." The "editor" talks all about the power of Britney fans to change her life and bring her back... As if any of it is responsible at all for someones inner struggles and personal choices. I don't know... I don't feel like thinking about Britney Spears right now. I was just left with strange feeling after reading the site.

I had a kind of quiet night at home tonight, which was nice, I guess. I made egg custard (easy to digest and sweet) and watched Happiness as part of my personal "Philip Seymour Hoffman Film Festival." The only problem is that he makes me think of Narc. And even though I'm still pretty convinced that I'm no longer in love, I still started to get that creepy-crawly/wanting to crawl out of my skin feeling after I shut the movie off. My apartment was too quiet. The city outside too silent, minus the trucks and horns rattling down Second Avenue. I don't know... TT invited me out to Cheers tonight and I don't want to go. I don't really want to go out because I know my "solution" is no longer there. But my "solution" is not yet in here either. And I suddenly felt desperate to talk to N.

I called him, but didn't leave a message. I knew he wouldn't pick up. It's Friday night, for God's sake. But I also know that he'll see that he missed my call, and so perhaps he'll be thinking of me later and call me drunk at 5:00 AM and for some reason, I wanted to inspire that... even though it will disrupt my sleep... even though I can't go see him... I committed to StarGazer that I'd meet her at an AA meeting at 9:15 tomorrow morning. It's after midnight now. I really should just scrap all of this unsettled energy and go to bed.

I wish I could be at peace by myself... in my own home...

Instead, I want to crawl out of my skin. I'm wiser, but I still want to run.

No... I don't really want to run. I just want it to be tomorrow because tonight doesn't quite suit me.

Anyway, I'm meeting NV tomorrow for brunch. I haven't hung out with him in a really long time (minus the occasional party of mine that he's shown up to). We met in the Fall of 2004 and bonded over Narc-craziness. I'm not sure what we're going to talk about tomorrow. I feel like I've suddenly become a much more private person.

Well, that's it for now...

Good night.