Permanence

It's strange... Walking home from AA tonight I've wanted a drink with more intensity than I have for a long, long time. And I think it's because of my fear of change. I thought about my body... and the permanent changes that I've made to it... and what it all means in the big picture. It's really scary to have a fact so bold as that laid out in front of me.

I am a girl who loves permanence. I get tattoos without a moment's hesitation. I declare my undying love for a guy and really genuinely mean it. (And stick to it! And intend to stick to it! (And hate myself for not letting myself go from it!))

But today I felt scared. Today I felt change. A chapter is over. Another chapter is beginning.

I saw GoldenFinch's baby on Saturday. My mom asked how old he is now.

"16 months," she said.

That's one month longer than I have sober, I thought. God willing, BabyBird will always be the same age as my sobriety.

Only this evening on my way home did it occur to me-- that's the first time I've dated his age by my sobriety and not by the fact that he is one month younger than the baby would have been had I carried through with the pregnancy. I've stopped dating things by Narc.

And then I got nervous and thought about being in love with him and tried to feel it, but at that very moment I didn't feel it. I also happened to be passing the Manchester Pub and although I pass it all the time, back was that incredibly magnetic power of addiction, that wave, that pull, beckoning me in. I squinted in through the glass. I could see Sean Duffy on duty. I remembered doing coke in the bathroom there, Narc shoving me up against the wall near the jukebox, hanging out with Dan and Oc the summer I met Dan... I almost thought of going in because Sean Duffy is someone to whom I owe an amends. But I made my feet keep walking.

My life is really different now. My body is different now too. And it all scares the shit out of me... all of that being over, that is.

I called Narc last night, my first night back in my bed, and left him a message. I don't know why I did. I didn't really want to talk to him, nor did I want to see him. It's just that I was more afraid not to do it.

I can't think through this. I don't have the clarity yet and so, I'm just going to go on tomorrow the same way I got past the Manchester Pub tonight-- by putting one foot in front of the other.

It was strange to be back at a meeting. I spent too much time away. Perhaps being back reminded me of the reality of my addiction and that plays a part in all this too. I saw Bezoukhoff this afternoon. It was nice that he came by to see me. We're going to meet up for the movies on Wednesday night.

Anyway, what I originally wanted to talk about was B's wedding... It just seems like too difficult a task... To begin with, I feel guilty calling Drippy "drippy," so I really think I should change her name. How about "Drp?" That's a little less blatant.

The wedding was strange for me. Strange for a whole variety of reasons. The action formally began on Friday afternoon with the rehearsal. LilSis drove me over to my mom's office where I kicked back and waited for her to tie up a few loose ends at work before she drove me into the city.

When I walked into the church, I didn't see B. But I did see his mom, his dad, his aunt and his brother standing in the vestibule outside the chapel where the rehearsal was taking place. I've met his mom twice (once at B's graduation from college in 1999 and once when she came to visit with his dad in 2005) and I've met his dad once and his brother once. So, I felt a little awkward approaching them. His brother's face lit up with recognition when he saw me, followed by an awkward hug from his brother and his mom.

B's brother is ten years younger than he is and was only 8 years old when B left the Philippines for the States. As for his mom, she was never too keen on the fact that B and I were dating back in the day. In fact, as I recall, when he tried to talk to her about it once, she cried and said "I'm not ready."

But at least there were smiles all around. Despite the fact that I was still in some post-surgical pain, I smiled back and found a seat inside the chapel.

Drp's family is from North Dakota farmland. So, it was "rural North Dakota meets Manila" and I, as a lifelong New Yorker, felt oddly out of place for once.

On Saturday, at the wedding itself, my stomach was turning with too many emotions for me to begin to untangle. I was nervous for B. I was angry at B. I was filled with love and affection for B. I was annoyed at Drp. I felt affection for Drp. I wanted a new beginning. I was proud of B. I felt threatened and scared. I felt very old. I remembered old beginnings. I tried very hard to be a good person. I chastised myself for trying to manipulate my own emotions.

The reception was nice. Contessa and her fiancee were there along with GoldenFinch and her husband and the baby. My parents were invited. NDN was my date. But I'm not used to being around alcohol and the smell of the wine bothered me.

B's mom was exuberant and very friendly towards me.

"I guess she's finally 'ready,'" I joked to B.

His brother talked to me for a while too. I was so happy to see his family so happy. They are not a very openly affectionate family and B has always felt like he has to earn their affection and approval. For once, it seemed to be freely given.

But overall, I felt a sort of aching-- not sadness, not happiness, but just ending.

Ending scares me! Ending scares me so much!

Anyway, I would write more right now, but Hammer just came online and NDN is due up here at any minute, so I'll leave it at that.

love,
h