The Long Haul

I've been giving some serious thought to calling it quits in terms of blogging. A lot has been going on, and I just don't feel like writing at all these days... I've still got a week's worth of stuff to catch up on-- more than a week at this point-- and I don't really feel like doing it.

Then again, I feel guilty not chronicling (is that weird?), so here it is:

Last Sunday night I got back from Florida. Narc had said to call him when I got in, so I did-- after I got home. It must have been around 12:30 AM. He was out at EO with James. He picked up the phone when I called. I showered and all that before heading out to meet him. He was still at the bar, so I met him there, arriving at around 2:00 AM.

He and James were both pretty drunk when I arrived. James was dancing around the place by himself and Narc held my hand under the table. He was talking about some video game business. James greeted me with a prolonged hug, but seemed a little annoyed that I was there.

"He chose you over me," he said.

I guess he had been trying to convince Narc to come back to his place to play "Rock Band."

"Yeah, well he always chooses you over me!" I laughed.

"That's not true!" Narc protested. He suddenly had a very solemn look on his face. "That's not true."

When we left the bar at around 3:30, James decided to stay. Narc and I crawled into a cab.

"I have something special to show you," he said.

"What?"

He wouldn't say.

Back at his place, he told me that he wanted me to go up to the roof with him. I thought it was really sweet. I love being up on his roof, and he never lets us go there (as it's not an open roof deck). It was absolutely freezing out, though, and he was swaying with the wind, so much so that I was afraid he would fall. He wanted to look at the lights. I think he was getting nostalgic about leaving NY. I kissed him, but it was too cold to stay up there for long. Besides, he was so drunk, I was really afraid that he'd fall over the edge or something.

So, we headed back downstairs. The sex was insane... absolutely insane. We were up until around 6:00 AM. He told me that he loves me, but then again, he was drunk.

The next day I had a 1:00 PM appointment for therapy. We woke up around 12:30 PM, so I jumped out of bed in a slight panic. Narc insisted (demanded) that I get back into bed to have sex with him.

"But, I have to go!"

"No, you don't. You have to get back in bed."

I was totally conflicted. But then again, it wasn't that much of a conflict. I already knew what I was going to do. I'm slightly embarrassed by my choice, but yes-- I did skip therapy. I was swimming in guilt for the rest of the day!

So, Narc and I hung out for the entire afternoon. I tried to read some articles for class and talked to Contessa on the phone, as that was the afternoon I heard the terrible news about her dad. I had to leave for a meeting with my advisor at around 5:00. Narc told me to come back later.

The meeting with ProfBrit went really well. I was nervous about it, as my thoughts were completely scattered upon arrival, but after our meeting, I had a few directions to go exploring in terms of a paper topic. He is a really helpful and active advisor-- exactly what I need. From there, I went to class and then I headed back down to see Narc.

He and James were eating at the Blue Goose, so I met them over there. I ordered lobster ravioli (which I couldn't finish eating b/c I tasted a hint of white wine in it. Ugh!). After dinner, Narc and I headed back to his place, ate dinner and headed to bed.

"Am I really going to move to LA?" he asked.

"I don't know... it's kind of scary, isn't it?"

"My lease is due this weekend."

"I thought it was due Feb 1st!" I said.

"No. The 17th."

"Well, you'd be moving with friends, right?"

"James is the only one 100% committed," he sighed. "And James can be like an untrained puppy."

I laughed. It was the most apt description I had ever heard.

The conversation left me very ambivalent-- its an ambivalance that has been with me ever since. I want him to move desperately (God doing for me what I can't do for myself), but at the same time, I want him to stay desperately. Anxious, sad and elated all rolled into one. It's strange to let myself feel things. Remember when I used to drown it all away?

The next day, I headed home in the afternoon. My AA meeting that night was the first I had been to in nearly a week. I really needed it. Afterwards, I came home, ate some Chinese food and went to bed.

On Wednesday I slept in. I was feeling a little depressed, although I'm not sure why. Narc had sent me some incoherent text at around 6:00 AM. I guess he was out drinking and doing whatever with James...

I went to therapy that afternoon and confessed the reason for my missed appointment on Monday. It felt good to be honest, even though I was embarrassed about it. I'm not used to being completely honest like that. From there I headed straight to my voice lesson. My teacher completely surprised me by announcing that she was hosting a recital on Sunday night and that I would be performing Massenet's "Pleurez, pleurez mes yeux." We worked on the aria for pretty much the entire hour. Then I headed west to meet Leaf, a girl I know from AA. My sponsor was singing in a concert version of The Marriage of Figaro later that night and Leaf and I were going together.

I had pretty bad stomach pains that afternoon-- I think it was from the fact that I fasted all day except for two cans of red bull. Oops... Before getting to Leaf's apartment, I stopped at the Border's Bookstore at the Time Warner Center. I bought a few books about aesthetics and critical theory and saw a funny book about "Lost" and philosophy. I texted Narc to tell him that I had fessed up to my therapist.

Well then that wasn't so bad now was it!! he said, later adding Think you made the right decision...

Yeah, you would think that! ;) I wrote back.

Leaf and I went for a quick bite at the diner before heading over to the concert (although I could barely eat.) Cherubino needed me to buy her an emergency pair of pantyhose. She sang beautifully and I was impressed with most of the performers. She should have had the larger roll of "Cherubino," though-- she was much better than the other mezzo!

I was exhausted when I got back home that night. I caught up on One Life to Live and talked to StarGazer and then Pixie on the phone for a while. It felt better to talk to them. I hadn't realized how disconnected I had become from AA in just a week of absence. I got undressed and climbed into bed at around 1:00 AM. Just as I did so, I got a text from Narc:

Back at my place if you want to come down... he said.

Huh? Don't you have to be up super early? I asked. (He was leaving for LA in the morning-- he and James were going out there to scope out the real estate situation.)

Leaving at 7. Your call.

K. Guess I can roll out then...

As you like hon. Am here as you know...

So... I headed downtown. I was tired, but too happy to care.

I am so glad that I went there that night. When I arrived, he was already in bed with the lights out.

"You're asleep already! Why'd you call me down here? Don't you want to talk?"

"Well, I have to be up early... We can talk in bed."

I asked him what he had done that day. He said he had dinner with his friend M. He told me that she is going to lose her horse because the ranch is being sold.

"I feel so bad for her," he said. "She's had a rough deal. I told her that I'd buy her the horse."

"What? Are you kidding me? You're going to buy her a horse?"

"Her horse," he said.

"Isn't that crazy expensive?" I asked.

"Nah... They said they'd sell it to her for a few thousand dollars. I spend that in a week on food and drink," he laughed.

"That's very sweet of you," I said.

Then we were both silent for a while. I wanted to say "Happy Valentine's Day" so badly, but I didn't dare. We stayed silent. He pulled me in so close that I could barely breathe. I decided to dare.

"Happy Valentine's Day," I said.

He laughed. "Oh yeah-- Happy Valentine's to you too."

Then it was silent again.

"I love you," he said.

I couldn't believe it.

"I love you too."

It was the most amazing moment for me. I was so happy. We had sex (sort of ) and then I just burrowed down and went to sleep.

(My reality is real. It is real. It is real.)

On Thursday morning he got out of bed at 6:00 AM and started packing. I lay there for a while longer. James rang while Narc was in the shower. I think he was surprised to see me answer the door. I was half asleep, but waited until Narc finished getting ready and then walked them both out of the house. You'd think I'd be tired, but Thursday ended up being a tremendously productive day. After I saw the boys off, I went home, watched an episode of "Lost" and updated my syllabus.

After that, I taught two classes, did some work in between (ensconced in Victorian aesthetics!) and then went to AA. After the meeting, Pixie hosted a little Valentine's gathering for the ladies-- about ten of us. It turned out that I had the most sobriety of everyone at the dinner. How the fuck did that happen??

After dinner, I walked over to the bar on the Upper East Side where IrishBird is now working. I've been meaning to visit her for a while. It's been at least a year since I've seen her, I think. She looked great-- she cut her hair and it was bouncy and she was just shining. She said that she's so grateful she got out of her relationship with PumpedUp and that she's now dating a 23-year-old investment banker. (I think IrishBird is 32 or 33).

"Cheers had my head spinning," she said. "That whole world-- it was like a trap to me, with its own warped logic. And PumpedUp was downright emotionally abusive!"

"It was a trap to me too," I laughed.

She introduced me to some "regulars" at her new place, including the guy sitting to my left. I hung out there for a while talking to him. He was definitely flirting with me, but in a nice way. It was flattering and felt good. He asked me a million questions about myself, told me that he's usually there on Thursdays and asked if I would be back. He saw that I wasn't drinking and made it a point to tell me that he doesn't drink "that much." (He also said he spends loads of time at the bar, though). I told him I was sure I'd be back and would see him again. But as nice as that was, I have no interest in A.) picking up guys at a bar/ and B.) seeing anyone other than Narc right now.

Seeing IrishBird made me nostalgic, though-- maybe not such a good thing. In any case, I stopped in at Cheers on my way home. ThursdayGirl and I had a nice chat. BarMan and I got to catch up for a little while too. He told me to come back on a Monday night so that we could catch up properly with a smaller crowd in attendance. PumpedUp came in as I was leaving. He was with a little blonde with a pony-tail. He called me over to introduce me and slung his arm around me. He made the same comment that BarMan had made a few weeks ago-- that they had to order a case fewer of Jack Daniels when I stopped drinking.

"But... she needed to," he laughed.

"Yes, I did," I said.

I felt good when I left Cheers that night. Were the stars in alignment? I don't know. I only know that I loved everything about my life at that very moment-- everything. I loved my family, my home, my city, my friends, my sobriety, my AA group, my studies, my teaching, my Narc. So, I thanked God for all of it as I crossed the street.

On Friday I headed to the library in the morning. I had an appointment with ProfBrit at 3:00 PM and had a lot of work to get done before the meeting. I worked for about 5 hours and then went to meet him. It felt good to be back in school and to be living in the past again in my brain-- not my personal obsessive past, but the wonderful escape of the historical past.

That night I had plans with my friend BahBoy to go to some sort of Weimar-esque cabaret in which his friend was the accompanist. I hadn't seen him in quite some time. We met at a Thai restaurant (which was really good!). He's growing a beard. He told me that he just got a two year contract with the opera company in Bonn and that he's moving to Germany in August. Very exciting! He also had an audition with Sherrill Milnes the next day, for some sort of Master Class. Sherrill Milnes is one of my favorite singers of all time. He's been retired for a while though, but I got to see him sing Falstaff in '96. It's funny because I actually attended that opera with BahBoy. We somehow managed to sneak our way into backstage and met him briefly after the show. I went with B to see him give a Master Class at MSM in April, 1998.

Anyway, BahBoy's friend was performing at Don't Tell Mama's. It was a good show, but I thought the artist was a little smug. I don't know... maybe it's my historian-snobbery, but I don't like when people appropriate the past in a post-modern sort of way without having bothered to immerse themselves in it. He did a few odd numbers-- a dark cabaret version of "I Touch Myself" by the Divynls. He also sang "Missed Me" by the Dresden Dolls which I absolutely loved-- so much so that I went home and downloaded their album.

We didn't stay out too late, as he had to get rest before his audition in the morning. It was fine with me. I was in the mood to go home and continue pressing on through Season One of "Lost."

On Saturday I met B for lunch near school and then we both went up to the English Department lounge and did some work-- he on his dissertation and me on my seminar paper. I miss the days when B and I used to kill whole afternoons together.

I didn't go out on Saturday night. I attended a rehearsal with the accompanist to get ready for the next day's recital. But after that, I was in the mood to stay home and attempt to tidy what is quickly becoming a hell-hole of a mess in my apartment.

On Sunday I slept in and then cleaned up a little bit more in the morning. My parents came into the city and I met them for lunch. We ate at a diner on First Avenue and then they headed off to go see The Band's Visit (Bikur hatizmoret) while I went home to warm up and get changed for the recital that night.

The recital was over on the West Side-- right near where B and I used to live. There were only six of us singing, as a lot of people (including Cherubino!) had come down with terrible colds. I was really nervous, I'm not sure why. I did my best to emote during my performance, although I have a feeling I was still pretty stiff. I think my teacher was pleased with my performance, though, and so that felt good. Some of the other singers commented that I had a huge voice. (Yay. It's good to know, because it's hard for me to hear myself.) Later, Cherubino told me that a friend of hers in the audience asked where I was auditioning and was shocked to hear that I am not out there doing auditions. It felt good to hear that. I need to build up more confidence in identifying myself as a "singer." And who knows-- maybe next year I'll get up the nerve to do some actual auditions.

It was nice that my parents came, even though I had to clip-clop back to their car in my high heels and in the pouring rain. My mom had brought a portrait of me that my dad had bought when I was one or two. She gave it to me that night and I hung it in my hallway.

Later that night, just before 10:00 PM, I got a text from Narc:

You at home alone?

Yeah. Catching up on "Lost," I said. Why? How's your trip?

Sign into AIM, he wrote. I assumed he meant the video-chat.

:) K. Give me a sec...

Well, you can imagine what that was about... Afterwards, I asked him how his trip was. He said that they hadn't found anything close to what they were looking for.

"I guess that's why Entourage is just a TV show," he said.

I asked if he had called his building management about the lease.

"Not yet," he said, "but I'm going to see if I can extend it. Tomorrow we're going to look at property near the beach. Forget Hollywood..."

"I guess you don't have to decide today, right?"

"Actually, Hyde, I kind of do..."

I am starting to wonder if he's actually going to move after all. I guess I'll find out when he gets back whether or not he's going to renew his lease here. I'm scared. My stomach is kind of chewing itself up about all that...

Yesterday was kind of a chill day. I met my friend NiS for lunch in the afternoon. He's a composer living in Paris and was back in NY for a few weeks to give a performance of one of his pieces. We went to college together and met on the Upper West Side for Chinese. It was nice to catch up with him, but we had one of those strange conversations you have with someone you haven't seen in a while-- it was more a report or an update about what's going on, rather than an emotional connection. The lady at the table next to us was eavesdropping on our conversation. She had been rather cranky and rude to the waiter earlier, but said something strange to us as we were getting up to leave.

"Isn't it a miracle that we're all here?" she asked. "I couldn't help but overhear you. Isn't it a miracle that we all even managed to make it into existence?"

It was especially strange, given the piece by Forrest Church that B had just sent me to read a few days earlier. I don't know... it was just an odd NY moment-- we all sit at tables so close to each other in restaurants! You have to just pretend you're in private in this city-- you never really are.

I tried to stop by the school where I teach after that, but my office was locked because the building was closed for President's Day. So... I went home. I talked to GoldenFinch on the phone for a while and then went to get a pedicure.

Later on, I met Hammer at her place. It has been forever since we've hung out! We went over to "Red Mango" for frozen yogurt-- a rival of the "Pinkberry" across the street. I had mochi, cinnamon toast crunch and raspberry toppings on mine. Yum! Then we walked over to IFC to see "4 months-3 weeks- and 2 days" which Hammer assured me was A.O Scott's favorite film of the year. It was a little difficult to watch at points, but overall, it was a phenomenal movie-- it really got at women's emotions in a peculiar way that films rarely do. After the movie, we grabbed a bite at the Gray Dog and then I walked her home, came home myself and quickly fell asleep. Before bed, I sent Narc a text:

Have a safe flight tomorrow. Call when back in.

K, hon! he wrote back.

It's strange that he wrote back-- that he's writing back. It's strange how much of him I've been seeing. It's strange how strangely normal everything is. I don't trust it. I feel like I'm living with this sense of impending doom. When is the rug going to be pulled out from under me?

Anyway, this morning I stopped off at the box office to pick up tickets for Grease. My mom wants to take my stepbrother for his 21st birthday in April. I guess you have to go in person to get the handicapped seat, or something. Then I came here to school where I taught one class and am about to teach another. Later tonight I'm heading to AA, and then hopefully to see Narc, if he does actually call when he gets back.

I hope you are all well...

love,

h

PS: Blogger's spell check isn't working and I don't have time to re-read this thing right now, so I'll have to spell check it later. Forgive the typos!