Thalassa

Everything is beautiful right now. I just wish that right now could last until forever.

That meeting with my department chair wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. The whole things was rather mild and it was all over in 15 minutes. Phew!

The night before the meeting, I went to bed early-- around midnight. I was emotionally exhausted. I had been crying on the phone with my mom-- difficult feelings about the abortion from way back when. It's strange-- in my first year and a half of sobriety, I didn't cry about anything at all. For some reason, the tears are back. I'm finally starting to feel things. It's like these strange tangled scars that I drank away a few years ago are suddenly throbbing and demanding to be soothed. My mom said it was "okay to cry." She said it was "okay to be sad." I felt a billion times better just letting myself feel something and sharing it with her.

Anyway, at about 2:00 AM my phone rang... three or four times. It was Narc, but I ignored it. (Improvement, n'est pas?). When I checked the messages, it was clear that he was drunk. Very, very, drunk. The messages were practically incoherent. I went back to sleep.

The next morning, I was shocked to get a message from him at 8:45 AM. (What was he doing up??)

Good vibes!! he wrote.

I thought it was so super sweet.

Give call after, he said.

I felt really supported that morning in general. B texted me, my mom called me, Pixie called me, and I had texted about it with VJ the night before. No matter what happened with my department chair, I would be ok. I felt really peaceful. It was an amazing feeling.

Anyway, like I said, the meeting wasn't half as bad as I had anticipated. After the meeting, I ate breakfast in the diner across the street from school while I talked to B and to StarGazer on the phone. I called Narc back, but he didn't pick up. I left him a message informing him that I'd be teaching from 12:00-5:00 PM.

My classes went pretty well. It felt good to be productive and I did some work for my research seminar in between classes. (I had to write a 750 word "intellectual" autobiography. Maybe I'll post it here. It's kind of amusing). And then Narc texted me yet again!

Good luck teaching, give call after, he wrote. That was at around 1:45. At 5:15, I heard from him again. "Still alive?" he asked.

I wrote him back that I was busy but that I could come down to see him after AA.

I was grateful for AA last night. It felt really good. I needed the meeting. Afterwards, I hopped in a cab and headed straight for Narc's building. Typically, when I got there, he wasn't home. I called him right away.

"Oh, you're there already?" he said.

"Um.. yeah. It's 9:00."

"Oh... Well, I'm just a few blocks away getting a bite. I'm at a place called Thalassa," he said.

"K. I'll walk over."

Walking there, I passed Yaffa's. I hadn't been there with Narc since the Summer of 2005. I remembered smoking outside the bar and the Food Emporium across the street. I remembered sitting on a park bench a block away and him pulling my shirt down.

When I got to Thalassa, Narc was sitting at the bar with James, drinking Jack Daniels. Both of them were super scruffy. I thought Narc looked beautiful.

Perfect. He was a perfect man last night.

James kissed me hello and goodbye.

"I was just leaving," he said. "Had a late night last night."

I sat down in his seat.

"It's blue here, like a James Cameron movie," I said.

Narc and I started to chat. He didn't remember calling me the night before. It turns out he was only up before 9:00 AM because he woke up on his couch, fully clothed, and sent me those texts before stumbling into bed until 1:00 PM.

We talked about weight gain and weight loss. We talked about babies (and my depression). We talked about some secret plan he has that can "solve" problems with anxiety and depression forever. (I wanted to ask him why he hasn't implemented it in his own life). We talked about his blog. We talked about alcoholism. We talked about James. It doesn't matter what we were talking about. I only know that I was (am) totally in love with him. I am totally and completely in love. I don't know why that feeling is flooding over me; I don't know what provoked it last night; but those butterflies were back in my stomach. I wanted to tell him about it; I wanted to scream it, but I couldn't. I couldn't say a word.

I ordered bakalao and he got another drink. The food was amazingly good. We talked about his move to LA.

"Am I really going to do it?" he asked. "Am I really going to leave the only place that I've lived in for more than a year?"

"I don't know. It's scary,"I said. "But you're not happy here."

"I have to take a leap sometime," he agreed.

"Besides, NY isn't going anywhere," I said. "You can always come back if you hate it there. But it's worth the risk, right?"

(I hate this. God, how I hate this. "Don't move! Don't leave me!" I want to shout, as loud as I possibly can. Instead I smiled. I have to be supportive. I want him to be happy.)

Narc told me that his dad lives in LA with his stepmother.

"That's great!" I said. "Maybe you can rebuild that relationship."

"I haven't seen him for fifteen years. Maybe we'll meet for a meal, but I don't want any more than that, and I doubt he does either."

I had asked Narc about his parents before-- I know about how they met and a little more than that about his mom, but he rarely mentions his dad. I asked him what his dad looks like, what kind of energy he has. Narc told me that the last time he saw his dad he (Narc) had really long hair-- waist length hair. I absolutely couldn't picture that.

"You have to show me a photo!" I insisted.

"Yeah, sure... I'll see if I can dig one up back at my place."

I loved being there with him. I loved sitting on the bar stool. I loved the way it felt to cross my legs. I loved looking at his face. I loved the way his shirt poked out from underneath his sweater. We shared a fruit plate. He ate with his fingers and refused the fork. I wanted to put my hand on his leg, but I didn't. (I love him, I love him, I love him). I showed him the autobiography I had written for class. He smiled.

"I'm going to miss you," I said, quietly. The tension in my chest was incredible.

"Yeah."

It was as if there was nothing else for him to say. I was suddenly embarrassed.

"By the time I come back, you'll be married with two kids," he said.

"That's not true. I won't. I won't."

(I don't want to be with anyone but you, Narc! Not ever. I love you.)

"Yeah, it is!"

"Are you really going to stay away for so long? Marriage is not in my near future," I smiled. "I think this is the year of the career."

"For both of us then," he agreed.

Then there was silence.

"I'll be back to visit," he said. "Although almost everyone I care about it moving with me... except for you and ModelChick."

"And the Exhibitionist?" I asked.

"Ugh. Not her," he scoffed. "She's out."

"So quickly again?"

"Yeah, she's definitely out."

Then we talked about her for a while and her insanity.

"You better come back," I said. "You better come back and stay with me."

(Please don't leave me! I wanted to cry. For a girl with abandonment issues, this fucking SUCKS!!!)

When we went outside, I smoked a cigarette. Then I smoked another.

"Chain smoking? No good for you Hyde!" he scolded.

"I like to smoke and walk in the cold," I said. "But you're right, I shouldn't."

We talked about LA again. I have a certain fear, running itself on a loop in my mind-- I'm afraid he's going to drink and drive out there.

"I'm gonna get a bike," he said. "A motorcycle, like I had when I rode through England."

"Awesome," I replied. (Don't go! I wanted to scream).

Back at his place, we settled in on the couch. I put my head on his lap. We watched the end of Star Wars, Episode III and then we watched The Celebrity Apprentice. When he talked to me, I had to look up from his lap. He looked beautiful.

"Narc, you have to show me those pictures before we go to sleep," I reminded him.

"Oh yeah! Let me get them now."

He brought a few bundles of photos out of his bedroom. I had never seen them out before. He showed me pictures of his dad, and yes-- pictures of Narc with long hair!! He showed me pictures from the insanely awful car accident he had when he was eighteen. He showed me pictures from his college days--ones I hadn't already seen; and he showed me pictures from his eighth grade graduation. It was the sweetest thing ever. My favorite, most FAVORITE picture, though, was the only one he had of his young childhood-- a picture from his kindergarten graduation. He was an absolute angel. It's the only picture I've ever seen of him in which he doesn't already have that darkness in his eyes. I loved him to death. I wanted to hug the picture. I love that kind of stuff. I was so, so happy in that moment.

Anyway, we got into bed at around 1:30 AM. It felt so good to be with him, pressed up next to him. I don't know what's with me these days. It's like I'm desperately trying to drink it all in because I know that it's ending. And he's being positively sweet... maybe because he knows that it's ending too.

We had sex and it was sweet and beautiful. I wanted to tell him I love him, but again, I just can't. Sometimes I'll trace the letters onto his body, so that I can get it out and not implode or explode. But it's still frustrating.

The funny thing is, after all that love, I had an awful dream about him last night, even as I lay there next to him.

Here's my mini dream-o-meter:

One of my journals is lost-- I don't know where or when I lost it, but in my dream, Narc had it. He told me that he had it in his closet. He and James and I were in some department store. He told me that he was going to blackmail me with it. I knew I had to get back to his apartment first to get it. I raced out of the department store and got a cab. It was such a stressful horrible dream-- so much anxiety! In the cab, I called his doorman and pretended to be his mother. I told the doorman that my "son" was sick and in the hospital and that his friend Hyde would be coming to collect his things, so that they should give me the key. Then, I showed up at the building, got the key, went into his apartment and got the journal. The worst part of my dream came next-- when I was getting out of the elevator, almost having made it, I bumped into Narc, James and his mom. Narc grabbed my wrist and restrained me. He told the doorman to call the police. I woke up in a sweat. Weird, right?

In the morning, Narc told me that he also had a bad dream-- in his dream, someone severed his limbs. We are both sad and slightly disturbed people. I cuddled in closely to him and we had some morning sex. It was nice. We had to get going pretty early, though, because Narc had an appointment for analysis.

We decided to take the subway despite the gross "gray and dreary deary" rain today. It was pouring and chilly, and I got wet in my hooded sweater as we walked towards the subway stop. It was strange-- on the subway, I ended up seated directly across from a man in my AA home group. He's not the kind of man you'd expect me to be friends with-- we are from totally different age groups, races, socio-economic classes, etc. But I greeted him with a big "hello." Narc looked confused. I introduced the two of them, and they shook hands. That's the first time that anyone I know from AA has met Narc (unless, of course, you count Brick).

I had to get off the subway a few stops before him. I got a pedicure, read a few articles for school, got a Subway sandwich and came home. For the rest of the afternoon, I finished polishing up my "biography" and then watched some TV. At 7:00, I met Meema on the Upper East Side for a movie.

We had originally planned to see Atonement, but the projector broke, so we saw Cloverfield instead. It was entertaining, but I didn't really buy it. Afterwards, we went to Models and bought some free-weights and then over to Pinkberry where we talked and talked. We bumped into another girl we're friends with in AA. She joined us for a while. It was nice.

And now I'm home, just blogging and as of a few minutes ago, talking to Chapstick on IM. Narc went to go see a Samuel Beckett play with ModelChick tonight. I wrote him a text: feel like getting married?

Not quite! he said. Out with ModelChick, wrapping soon. Like the movie?

Maybe he'll call me later, maybe not. Either way, I'm going to see Die Walkure with B tomorrow and we're meeting at 11:00 AM. I have to get prepped for five hours of Wagner!! Then I'm going to BigSis' place where we will be joined by my mom and her friend English and we're all going to watch La Vie en Rose, which I absolutely loved.

I'm in mourning right now, but it's sweet. It's sweet because I have something beautiful to mourn.

I'll leave it at that, lest I start to over-think.

love,
h