Library Anxiety

This has to be a work week. I need to stop pretending I'm a lady of leisure. The prospectus for my major research paper this semester is due on Monday and I still don't even really have a topic worked out. I just contacted a professor about one of my few remaining outstanding incompletes and what I thought was supposed to be a 20 page paper for him is actually supposed to be a 30-40 page paper. Oh-- and there's one more paper this semester that I owe ProfPP and I haven't started that one yet either.

I've been doing a hell of a lot of reading and a hell of a lot of thinking, but it's really hard for me to work this way. I need time and space in my brain to let an idea drift around for a while, take shape and bring itself to fruition. I need time for my thoughts to ripen. It's how I work... I think for a really, really long time, and then when I finally sit down to write, the paper is almost entirely there already. That's really hard to do, though, when there are three distinct areas of research battling for my attention and all of them need to develop into coherent arguments in the next two weeks or so! How else will I have time to do all of the writing? I only have three months until the end of the semester.

Hmm... I'm stressed. I need to make some commitments to the library.

I bought a book that my therapist recommended to me. It's called Getting Organized. (There's a quiz in the front of the book that Narc told me to take while "sucking his dick." He read the questions and I murmured answers. Thanks to my apparent ability to multi-task, I did manage to learn that yes-- I need a LOT of organizational help!!) Anyway, I'm trying to take the suggestions outlined in the book. Maybe it will help me buckle down in terms of getting to the library.

On Tuesday night after AA I went over to Narc's. We watched some "Lost," ordered in cheap Mexican food, fucked around and went to sleep. On Wednesday when I should have been in the library, I instead stayed at Narc's, ate some sushi, watched some more "Lost" and fucked around some more. I didn't feel good about wasting the day. I am too anxiously aware right now of the work that needs to get done.

I left his place at around 4:30 for my voice lesson. It was a good lesson. I especially love singing the Aida aria. Later that evening I had dinner with Mattie, a friend from AA, and then NDN and I hung out at my place for a little while before bed.

Narc went ahead two episodes of "Lost" without me (even though I asked him not to), but I managed to convince him to stop there. I tried to catch up last night, and ended up not being able to fall asleep until around 3:30 AM.

See? All play and no work makes Hyde a guilty and anxious ball of nerves who can't sleep...

Yuck. I'm feeling kind of stressed. I'm supposed to go to the opera with my mom on Saturday-- we have tickets for Otello. But if I have to hand in a prospectus on my research paper on Monday, I may not be able to go. I may just have to chain myself to a desk in the library.

Anyway, I've got to get started on my day now. Later...

love,
h