My Eyes.

I have library eyes-- computer screens still blinking in front of me even when I close my eyes. I've been here for two days. My prospectus is almost (almost!) done.

Yesterday was a rough day for me for a variety of reasons. It started out pretty good-- I helped a newcomer with her Fourth Step and bumped into the Smolderer at a random Starbucks at 14th & 6th. (It was actually kind of creepy, though, how he wanted to hug me.) But later, B and I got into a fight and then I had a text exchange with Narc that left me feeling really anxious.

Last night I went out for burgers with TT and then to the place where IrishBird works. We have a weird relationship. It's just not clear what it is... There is still no conversation chemistry. Do I think that's going to change? No.

So, I was feeling pretty miserable yesterday underneath the forced productivity. I did a really thorough 10th step last night and it showed me things that I do not want to see... fear, denial, expectations, lack of consideration. Fear and denial were the biggest offenders. It's hard to look at that, because it tosses it back to me to do something about it. I can't sit around being resentful of Narc when it is not him, but rather my own fear, denial and inaction that are causing me pain. My sponsor pointed out that the step seemed painful because I'm not willing to change. She's right-- I don't want to change anything, but it's pretty obvious that until I do I'm going to stay in pain. Accepting that fact is pissing me off. The 10th step isn't pretty. It isn't a "maintenance step" either. I hate when people say that. Last night it caused me a lot of pain-- the kind of pain that is a "touchstone to growth."

Growth... hmm... That would mean I'd have to actually pick up the ball.

Anyway, that's it for now... I'm still in the library. I gave up my opera tickets to my parents because I had too much work to do. (That's the second time I had tickets to, but then missed out on "Otello.") They're going to pick me up soon for dinner. And then I guess I'll go to AA later tonight.

I don't know where anything stands anymore. It's hard to look the truth in the eye.

love,
h