Alienation

I found out that Narc saw LA-Girl again on Monday night before he invited me down. I feel sick to my stomach about the whole thing.

Narc is sick to his stomach too, but for different reasons-- he thinks he has some kind of stomach virus.

Last night after AA I went down to see him, with everything he asked for in tow-- Pepto Bismol, vanilla ice cream, gatorade and chicken soup. But my stomach was gnawing at me for its own reasons. Gnawing and gnashing. Gnashing and tight.

(But all those souls who weary were and naked/ Their color changed and gnashed their teeth together.)

We watched the boys on American Idol and then Narc told me a sad story about some high school crush. We realized that we both had to wear palatal expanders as kids. And then we watched the first part of Tron. It was a strange movie.

I ignored my gnashing and actually had a nice time. Ahhh! Denial! My sweet, old friend.

I didn't sleep well last night though. This morning, I opened my eyes at 7:00 AM, fully awake. I sat up in bed, alert and aware that I had to do something.

What to do?

I didn't know, so I took a shower. I dried my hair; I put on my makeup; I sat on his couch in my underwear staring out the window; I pulled on my jeans and stared out the window some more. Then I decided to write him a note.

Narc,

Looks like I haven't been sleeping very well at your place the past few nights. I'm unsettled; it doesn't feel good; and I know why.

As long as you are dating/pursuing LA-Girl (or anyone else in particular), I need to keep my distance.

I don't like saying this in a note. It feels cowardly. But I can't bring myself to say it any other way. And I won't put myself through these feelings again.

Let me know if anything changes.

Until then,
Hyde.

I sat there with the note in my hand for quite some time.

What if he comes out of the bedroom? I thought. If he does, I can't leave this note. Do I even want to leave the note? No, I can't leave this note. I'm not going to leave this note.

I shoved the note into my notebook and stared out the window some more. Somehow, leaving the note didn't seem like the right thing to do. It was cowardly. And besides, what was the point? We'd have to talk about it; and then he would either fumble around saying he's not dating LA-Girl, or he would argue with me that we're in a "non-relationship" and I'm being unreasonable. Either conversation was not one I wanted to have.

So, I decided that I needed to do something else. And I honestly don't know where this came from. I went into his bedroom.

"Um, Narc?"

He rolled over and opened his eyes. "Yeah?"

"Um..." I felt totally and completely disassociated from what was coming out of my mouth. My heart felt like a feather.

"Um, I think I need a little space for a while."

My voice was low and sounded foreign to me. He didn't say anything at first; but I could feel the tension rising off his skin like heat. He rolled over so his back was to me.

"Okay..." he said.

He thinks I'm being irrational. He thinks this is just drama.

"Well, Hyde... I'll call you in a little bit. We'll see what we want to do."

I stood there looking at him, my heart pounding, but somehow still like a feather.

"I know what I want to do," I said plainly. "I want a little distance."

Now I felt frozen. What did I do? What did I do?

"Fine." He said.

He shut his eyes. The conversation was over.

I lingered there for a moment more. I wanted to scream. I wanted him to say "no, don't go, Hyde! What's wrong? Let's fix it!" I wanted to tell him that I didn't mean it, that I didn't know why I said it.

"I hope your stomach feels better," I said.

He didn't answer. I stood there a moment longer.

"Bye."

And then I left. And then I called Pixie. And then I called Cherubino. And now I'm home and I feel numb. It's a good thing I have therapy today.

I don't want space or distance, but I do know that I can't go through another PopStar. I'm done. I guess it's up to him now.

love,
h