Dissatisfied with the Prize

Well, things with Narc have settled into a somewhat (normal?) state of thrill, by which I'm strangely unmoved. I'm sad, in a "not sad" sort of way. It's not so thrilling after all. I was kind of depressed this morning.

Anyway, I don't even know where to pick up, where I left off... I've lost my blogging rhythm.

On Thursday night, I was up late. From my bed, I could see fat snowflakes falling in the darkness. They looked like ashes-- like something horrible and silent was burning, sending parts of itself to float up and against my window.

I spent a lot of time deep in conversation with Pixie this weekend. We met for coffee before AA on Friday. While I waited for her to arrive, I was reading a book by Carl Schorske. I think he is a soul mate of sorts.

Narc texted me late on Friday night-- 2:38 AM to be exact. I agreed to meet him at Grace. When I got there, he was talking to some guy who had been an actor on One Life to Live, playing some bit role. I didn't recognize him.

Narc was drunk. He had been to the theater with a lawyer friend of his-- "the Shark." He left the bartender a $50 tip. I had to hold his hand on the way home.

Back at his place, I asked if he would print one of his beautiful photos for me so that I could hang it on my living room wall. He poured himself a giant gin-martini. He didn't want to kiss me with the gin on his breath. It was sweet that he was concerned for my sobriety. In any case, he insisted that his drink was incomplete without a cucumber garnish. The only cucumber he had was rotting. It was 5:00 AM. Even so, he insisted we call the deli. We ordered a cucumber, some cool ranch Doritos and a club sandwich. Then we commenced smoking cigarettes. He kissed me. He fucked me really hard and very creatively in every way imaginable. (At least in every way I could imagine). I'll leave it at that.

He wanted to play "Flow," but I convinced him at around 6:00 AM that I had to get to bed before the sun came up.

The next morning, it was as if it was still the previous night. He was absolutely crazy with me. I did something kind of stupid, though-- I let him make a tape. So... it's official. I now have a "sex tape" out there. I think I need to get it back sooner rather than later. We were just "on," though-- like in the old days. He told me he loves me over and over and over during sex. I asked him to say it again. Is that just something he wanted to say? Something I wanted to hear? Who the fuck knows...

I had to leave at around 6:00 PM to go hear Meema speak at my home group's Saturday night meeting. I sat with Cherubino. Meema looked radiant and she was so eloquent. I was so proud of her. I met Pixie's new sponsee and talked to Leaf for a little while. I was happy... truly happy. I felt balanced (for once!) and close to God.

When I left there I bought roses-- brilliant, blooming yellow roses and pink ones too. I wanted my arms to be filled with roses. I wanted the scent of roses to obliterate me so that I could waft up into the sky along with it. I got in a cab and went back to Narc's.

Narc and I cut the flowers and put them in vases all over the apartment. I was happy. Then, we headed out to Centrico, a gourmet Mexican place near his apartment. The Exhibitionist kept texting him.

"I'll shut my phone off," he said.

We talked and talked and talked-- it was a good and true conversation. We talked about recovery and God and life. I told him things I haven't told him before. Strangely, we talked about the day he stood me up for La Bohème. I tried to explain that looking back on that post, I am finally able to see how irrational I was at the time. He kept interrupting me and apologizing.

"I know you thought I stood you up on purpose," he said, "but I didn't. I really didn't."

After dinner, we went over to Blaue Gans for dessert and coffee. Narc had some wine and told me about some short stories he had written when he was a teenager. I asked if I could read them.

Back at his apartment, we started Season 2 of Lost, cuddled and went to sleep.

On Sunday morning I woke up in some serious pain. When I went to pee, it was so much worse. I had managed to give myself an overnight bladder infection-- blood in the urine and all. Narc said he knew of a walk-in clinic where I could get an antibiotic. Fatigued and feverish, I left as soon as I could.

Thank God there was a doctor to be had! He prescribed me some Cipro, and I collapsed into bed. Cherubino came over at around 2:00 PM to work on my 10th step. I'm nearing the finish line with my step work!! We watched half of a really bad movie called Whiskers. I invited her to stay over and watch the Oscars, but later backed out because I was feeling so out of it. The fever and fatigue seemed to be getting worse.

I ended up watching the awards alone and in bed, but it was cozy and kind of nice. Narc texted me at the end-- he had a mini Oscar-party (guess I'm still not invited to any of his parties!) and the Shark was crashed on his couch.

Yesterday I woke up in even more pain, although the fatigue was pretty much gone. With more blood in my urine, I decided to go see my regular doctor. She told me that I'm probably dehydrated and that I should take cranberry, take the Cipro and drink, drink, drink! I didn't tell her that I knew why I had the infection... Um... yeah...

Later on, I met Bezoukhoff for coffee near school. I told him that I want to email Carl Schorske. Then I went to class. We had a guest speaker and it was actually really useful in terms of research advice.

Back home, I settled in to finish off Season 2 of The Sopranos, talked to Pixie on the phone for a while and then got a call from Narc. It was around midnight and he was drunk. He said he was on the Upper East Side and that he wanted to come over. I was tired and not particularly in the mood to deal with a drunk (a good sign, given that I used to only LOVE dealing with drunks!). I told him he could come over anyway.

He watched the end of the Sopranos episode with me, and then insisted that we smoke cigarettes together at my kitchen bar/counter. He asked if I was attracted to Tony Soprano.

"Of course," I said.

"But he's an asshole!" Narc exclaimed. "You women are all the same!!"

I wanted to show him the DVD from my recital. He was definitely impressed. But he wanted to feel me up while we were watching and then he wanted to kiss me. The kisses were deep. It made me happy that seeing me sing made him want to be intimate.

Afterwards, it all spun into more sex-- more crazy sex. I don't know what's with us lately. It's as if we've been bitten by some sort of bug. We fucked and fucked and fucked and then went to bed at around 3:00.

This morning he left the house with me at around 11:00 AM. The elevators in my building were running dreadfully slow. We bumped into my neighbor in the hall and I introduced him to Narc (even though they had met a few years ago at NDN's sushi dinner). As we were leaving the building, the doorman told me that someone had left me a gift-- an enormous, plush teddy bear. It was from NDN! Yay!

Narc and I talked about his Oscar party. He had told me that it was only a group of guys, but later confessed that the girl James had fucked in LA had been there. (She's an actress living in the East Village). I wondered why he lied to me in the first place. It made me uncomfortable.

Now I'm in my office, between teaching classes. Narc just sent me a text telling me to get some "Plan B." It's not really necessary, but he is nervous, so I agreed. Then he told me to call him and masturbate with him on the phone. I'm supposed to go down and see him after AA tonight.

I'm happy, I guess. I love him... I asked him last night if he loves me and he said that he does, over and over. But his eyes were dull last night-- dull and drunk, and I don't want to have sex with a drunk man anymore. I want him to be present. I want us to be friends. I want to get asked to his parties.

I feel like in the past, this is all I could hope for or ask for-- his presence, his declarations of love, the insanely passionate sex... But, it's not enough. I'm dissatisfied with the prize. I want more.

I want more.

Now, I'm confused. Über-confused! I think that's why I'm feeling depressed.

love,
h