Ambivalence

People keep asking me how I am and the only thing I can tell them is "ambivalent."

There are some things in my life that are going so beautifully right now-- school, for one. It's the first time in a long, long time that I've really enjoyed researching and writing, that I've felt passionate about being a student.

But other things feel like they've all gone pear-shaped. For one thing, I've been obsessing about food and the fact that I'm not exercising. It's an old anxious feeling that I don't like. It feels like an old scar torn open-- a deep wound that I thought had healed. Another thing-- it's really bothering me that my house is a mess. I feel like an undeserving person. I don't know if I'm not keeping it clean because I feel undeserving, or if I feel undeserving because I'm not keeping it clean.

I guess I'm feeling ambivalent about the blog too. I need to change something-- even if I don't stop writing, I need to change something. It's purpose? It's rhythm? Maybe just the template? Who knows...

Oh, and I have news...

Narc got back from LA on Tuesday night and I ended up going to see him after spending half an hour with him on the phone.

Here's the big announcement: He decided not to move to LA after all.

Are you surprised?

My first instinct was immediate relief. I was flooded with sweet relief... gratitude. But while we were hanging out at his place, other feelings came up-- feelings I haven't had to deal with in at least a month or so.

So, what's our status then? I wanted to ask. What am I to you? How do you feel about me? I don't want to be with you anymore if you are going to be sexual with anyone else.

But, we've had that conversation a thousand times. I'm sure it's all recorded somewhere in these blog archives. They've each and every one of them been forgotten.

"Of course I love you, but we're not in a relationship," Narc says. "We aren't cut out for a relationship. We're no good for each other."

"I know that, Narc, and I know you think that, but this hurts. I have feelings for you... I've had them all along," I say.

"Well, I don't know what you want from me, Hyde. Maybe we should just stop having sex then," Narc replies.

"Maybe we should!" I exclaim in tears.

Then we don't talk for several days. I cry a lot and write posts about how I can't believe it's finally over. Then, before the week is out, he calls me drunk.

"I just miss you," he says. "I want you to come here and fuck me."

"But, what about our talk?" I ask, feebly. "What about everything we said?"

"Just come here, Hyde," he insists.

I obey. I fuck him. We act in the morning like nothing unusual happened. We watch dumb TV or go for brunch. It's as if the conversation never happened.

Things go on as usual, but a small piece of me is dead. It's the negation of self. I am erased.

I don't know if I can go through it again. What's the point?

So, I won't initiate that conversation. But I swear, it's now on the tip of my tongue.

Narc says that he may still go to LA in six months or a year. Why did he decide not to move now? They couldn't find the right place; two of the five of them weren't ready to move; one of them can't pitch in an equal amount of rent; and then there's James.

Apparently, the first night they arrived, James got wasted, asked a cab driver where he could get some blow, went to a strip club with the cab driver, did the coke and blew at least a thousand dollars on lap dances. After that, he went back to the hotel with the cabbie, hired a prostitute and the two of them gang-banged her. (Does two consitute a "gang-bang?" Maybe I should have said they "double teamed" her.)

Narc drinks, but he never acts like that. He's a bar stool drinker who occasionally delivers a drunken manifesto before stumbling home. James is another story altogether. I think Narc was afraid to move in with James in LA and wager his future on that partnership. He must have had a moment of clarity. He also doesn't want to be in a city in which he has to drive everywhere.

Am I happy he's not going? I don't know how to feel. More fucking ambivalence.

We brunched on Wednesday, but I haven't heard from him today.

AA was good today, though. I got there early and talked to Cherubino for a while. Afterwards I had dinner with my friend Lana and then spent at least an hour talking to Pixie on the phone. She needed help working through some things and the conversation really helped me too.

Yesterday was a good day with friends too. After therapy I met Anxious at Bloomingdales (she's back in town for a visit) and then we spent a long time playing at the MAC counter. I told the makeup artist there that I wanted to look "feverish."

"As if my heart is burning with ardor," I said. "I want something that will go with flashing eyes a la Dostoevsky."

I think he thought I was nuts.

I got the DVD of my recital at my voice lesson that afternoon and watched it later at my place, hanging out with Bezoukhoff. For the most part, I was pleased with it. We at dinner at La Bonne Soupe. We talked about the Thirty Years War and then I told Bezoukhoff that I've always had a strange sympathy for Charles V. We found a very florid description of the death of the emperor in a 19th century book called The Romance of Spanish History. We also listened to Purcell's funerary music written for Queen Mary II of England.

So... good things and bad things. I feel like I'm under a lot of psychic strain right now.

But, despite all of the confusion, I am feeling close to God. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. (Maybe I'm not supposed to DO anything? Maybe this isn't all up to me right now?)

Anyway, that's all I've got for tonight. I want to eat a pretzel rod and go to bed.

love,
h