What a strange Halloween. I'm eating raspberries and watching One Life to Live.
Last night when I was walking home from AA, I saw a homeless guy crumpled into a heap on 2nd Avenue. I, like most New Yorkers, habitually walk straight past sad, slumped over people on the sidewalks, but this guy was different-- something about the way he was positioned made me think something was wrong. I looked around to see if anyone else had noticed or if anyone else was going to do anything about it. I seemed to be the only one who cared, so I bent down to get a closer look.
"Sir, are you okay?" I asked.
He mumbled something back. It was hard to hear. It sounded like he said he couldn't get up. I offered him my hand. He smelled bad and I hated that I wanted to recoil from another human being. He said that I had to help him roll onto his knees. I did my best to do what he asked without having to put my purse on the ground and without letting it swing into the poor guy's head. Once he was on his knees, I took him by the upper arms and hoisted him up. He was tottering and could barely straighten up. His back was permanently hunched forward and his chin was drooped down to his chest.
He said something about wanting Chinese food.
"The nearest takeout place is a block and a half away," I said. "Do you want help to walk there?"
I knew they wouldn't let him in the restaurant.
"I just want to sit down there," he said. "I have money. I can pay for dinner."
I had to support him for the entire walk there. He was carrying two bags and wouldn't let me take one of them. When we got to the Chinese place I kept offering to go in and bring him food out, but he said he wanted to go in and sit down. I felt awful about it and got a lot of dirty looks from the staff behind the counter, but I helped him into the restaurant and bought him dinner. He couldn't eat the spareribs he asked for because he had only two teeth, so I had to cut the meat off the bone and cut it into tiny bits. I got him an orange soda and opened hot sauce packets for him. I was sad and uncomfortable that I couldn't do more.
The man's eyes were cloudy and he had to support his chin with his hand in order to even look up and meet my eyes. He said his name was Anthony and he was 76 years old. He was educated. He had studied economics and had been an office manager. He said he was writing a book. I couldn't make out a lot of what he was saying, but he talked for some time about liking to drink brandy. It broke my heart a little.
I asked him if he had any place to go later that night. He said he was going to sleep on the subway. There wasn't much I could do after the meal except to leave him on 2nd Avenue. At least he was standing. When I got home, I called my local precinct to tell them, but given that there was no crime, disorder or medical emergency, they didn't understand why I was calling. I guess I was calling just to assuage my own guilt over leaving him on the street.
When I got home, I talked to Pixie on the phone for a while. It was nice to bring me back to "normalcy" and normal modes of conversation. I don't like when my eyes are opened too wide.
Today I had lunch with B and then I ate some pinkberry. Later on the afternoon, I went to a voice lesson where I saw Cherubino. She sat in on my lesson. My breath-support is getting back in shape and it feels good. Then, tonight, I dressed in a medieval gown and went to at 10:00 PM AA meeting where I saw Pixie and LashGirl and some others.
I had a few invites for tonight-- TT at Cheers, Bezoukhoff invited me to a party, and the AA girls were going out after the meeting.
But I didn't want to go out with anyone. I'm too aware of where Narc is. He's at the bar tonight where Frenchie works. It hurts. But who knows... maybe it's all in my head. I feel like I can't stand people right now, or being around people, but I also don't want to be alone. I can't tolerate being in my own skin right now. All I can do to stand it is to eat raspberries and watch One Life to Live.
I've been thinking a lot about the whole situation with Narc (what else is new?) but I've been thinking about it differently. I don't have another round in me. I don't. If it's not going to be "good" right now, I can't do it anymore, but I feel another round of crap coming. I was talking to a friend about it last night and she said "you can either choose a painful ending or pain without end." She has a point.
Anyway, today is BigSis' 30th birthday. It's strange. It means that I've only got another year until I hit 30 myself. My 20's have been really tumultuous. Sometimes I think about my life and the things that have happened in my life and it surprises even me.
I want the next decade to be more even. I don't want to even think of Narc in my 30's.
I've been thinking about my dad a lot this week. A lot, a lot, a lot.
I'm not in the mood for Halloween. I'm not in the mood for anything. I don't feel like being someone else right now. I only want to figure out how to be myself.
love,
h
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
The Land of Make-Believe
I, unblessed Atlas!This has been such a strange week. My mood just can't settle in any one place. But I think I've decidedly reached two conclusions-- I am so grateful to have AA, and Narc really is an asshole.
I carry a world, the entire world of pain,
I bear the unbearable,
And the heart within me wants to break.
Proud heart, you have wanted it thus!
You wanted to be happy, eternally happy,
Or eternally miserable, you proud heart,
And now you are miserable.
(So why can't I act on that information?).
On Saturday night I went to a meeting with Pixie and we went out to eat afterwards at the Saigon Grill on University with a few guys from program. Pixie and her date left the dinner early because they were going to see a former student of hers in some theater company. When I parted ways with the gentlemen, I walked to the East Village and got my tattoo. I was on a pain-high and loved that my wrist was stinging and burning.
Later that night, once back at home, I got a call from Narc. He has basically called me to come over every night this past week, although it hasn't always worked out. On Saturday he was moody. I asked him if he loved anyone in the whole world.
"No," he said.
"Do you hate anyone?"
"No. I know it's an emotionally numb existence, but whatever... Maybe that's why I'm so cynical."
For some reason, all of it disgusted me.
"That's sad, Narc," I said.
"Yeah, well we can't all be as lucky as you Hyde-- we don't all have a loving family."
"Well, what do you think about if you don't love anyone?" I asked.
I love the way he makes it seem as if I have a completely problem-free ideal life!
"I think about my characters... and how much they love each other."
"I think about my characters... and how much they love each other."
I wasn't expecting that answer.
Anyway, not much else happened that night except for the fact that while "falling asleep" with Narc inside of me, he called me by his friend Laurie's name, whispering it. I didn't say anything and pretended not to hear. He then repeated himself. I still didn't say anything.
"Didn't you hear me?" he blurted out, suddenly breaking the silence.
"No. What did you say?"
"I called you Laurie!" he started laughing.
"Why would you do that?"
"You just sighed like her."
"It's not funny," I said, pushing him away.
"I guess I'm the only one who gets the joke," he laughed again.
I felt gross though. The whole thing was gross and not funny at all.
So... that was Saturday night.
On Sunday morning we were both up and out relatively early, as Narc had planned to go sailing with the very same Laurie. I was grateful to have a motivation to get out of there. I really had a lot to do that day.
So, I went back home and tried not to think about any of it, and instead spent the afternoon grading papers, chatting for a short while with NDN and eventually heading down to AA.
After the meeting, I went for dinner with a few of the ladies to Souen-- a macrobiotic place near Union Square. I was wary of the concept of macrobiotic food (as I am wary of healthy things in general), but the food was actually really good. Pixie's meal came inside a bonafide pumpkin!
Narc had texted me after the meeting that he was "off the boat" and that I should come down.
Won't be free until 10:30. That ok? I replied.
He said that he thought he may be asleep by then.
I called him when I was done with dinner, but he didn't answer. So, I went home to sit in my own anxiety and eventually went to sleep just after midnight.
At about 5:30 in the morning, I got two texts from Narc followed by a 6:00 AM phone call. He said he had woken up and "couldn't fall back asleep" and that he wanted me to "come down as soon as I woke up," but he sounded so drunk that I could barely make out some of what he was saying.
Why am I doing this?
And that was Sunday...
Yesterday I tried to eat a bite of Chinese food for lunch, but couldn't digest it and felt sick for most of the rest of the day. Even so, I managed to plow through the remainder of the exams I had to grade. Narc finally called me at around 4:00 PM and said he had just woken up. I told him I couldn't be there to see him until after AA, but that I could come at 9:00 PM. We agreed on the plan and then had phone sex and then I did the last of my grading.
After AA, as scheduled, I headed to Tribeca. I was running a little early, as I got out of the meeting without too much dallying.
At 8:18, on my way down, I sent him a text that I was coming.
He didn't answer.
So, I arrived in his lobby at about 8:45 PM.
He wasn't home.
I sent him another text and called him.
He didn't pick up.
I sat down in his lobby, a lump in my throat, unsure of what to do. About 10 minutes later, he called me back.
At 8:18, on my way down, I sent him a text that I was coming.
He didn't answer.
So, I arrived in his lobby at about 8:45 PM.
He wasn't home.
I sent him another text and called him.
He didn't pick up.
I sat down in his lobby, a lump in my throat, unsure of what to do. About 10 minutes later, he called me back.
"What? You're in my lobby?? Hyde, I thought you said 9:30! I'm out for dinner with the Exhibitionist, and we're just starting."
"I said 9:00, Narc."
"Well, I don't know what to tell you... I'm here catching up with the Exhibitionist and then I was going to meet James... Why don't you go home and I'll just come by your place later."
Clearly, he had double booked and planned on just blowing me off until he was done with his other friends.
"Because I spent $20 to get here, I'm carrying a 20 lb backpack and I don't want to spend $20 to get home! Besides, we had a plan... If you thought 9:30 and you'll be back here at 9:30, I'll just wait. It's only 45 minutes."
"I don't want you waiting in my lobby."
"Why? What's the big deal?"
"I just don't like the feeling. I don't know when I'm going to be done tonight. Why don't you just go home and I'll call you later?"
(Knowing Narc, that would be at 3:00 AM and drunk.)
(Knowing Narc, that would be at 3:00 AM and drunk.)
"Well, I don't want to go back to my place and be indefinitely waiting for you either," I said. "I still have to eat. If it'll make you feel better, I'll go get a bite somewhere in your neighborhood while I'm waiting and you'll probably make it back here before me."
"Well, I don't know, Hyde..."
"Didn't we make plans?"
"Yeah, but, I don't want to cut things short."
"That's not my fault, Narc. Look-- I'll go eat, and let's just meet up as soon as you're done, OK?"
So, I took my enormous backpack, swallowed past the lump in my throat and wandered over to West Broadway. I couldn't find a diner. Damn Tribeca! Only atmospheric, overpriced places. I eventually chose one and took a seat at the bar. I was miserable.
I ordered a quesadilla, wrote in my journal and stared at my glum (but slightly mysterious) reflection in the mirror behind the bar. The waiter kept asking me if I were okay. I felt myself spiraling into a well of self-inflicted, aestheticized misery. I loved that it was cold outside. I loved looking at my own silver eyes.
But as I ate and wrote, I just couldn't shake the feeling that I am so undervalued in this relationship and I couldn't shake the reality that it is I who am "undervaluing" myself.
What am I worth in this world? What am I worth TO this world? I wondered.
At 9:19 PM he sent me a text: Wrapping up, final glass of wine. Give me 30 min or so to get back home.
I still felt miserable, but I decided that it was my choice to feel otherwise. So, I tried to write something nice.
At --- on W Broadway, I said. Didn't mean to stress you. Just bad planing, I guess...
I ate slowly. I drew it out over 40 minutes. I stared at a candle on the bar. The flame was whipping itself around. I comforted myself with the eternity of fire and knowledge of my own humanity. I tried to find some God-consciousness. Fire. Flame. Fire in every civilization. I tried to imagine fires blazing near prehistoric caves, on medieval candlesticks. I felt human because of that candle flame. I think it's the only thing that kept me from disappearing into the ether. But, I hadn't heard from Narc, so I decided to write to him at nearly 10:00 PM: Going back to your lobby. Will meet you there...
Fifteen minutes later, I got another text: Heading down in 5 min.
I couldn't believe that he hadn't left the restaurant yet! Even if we had mis-communicated and he thought he was supposed to meet me at 9:30, this was now 45 minutes after that! I was furious, but immobilized. I settled down in the lobby, reading some article about the German Wehrmacht. I couldn't focus.
"Are you sure he's coming back tonight?" the doorman called out to me from the desk across the lobby. "He sometimes comes back early in the morning."
"I don't know," I sighed.
Why didn't I leave??
I sent him a text: I'm leaving at 10:30. Hope to see you before then.
He called me just at 10:30.
"Just packed the Exhibitionist into a cab," he said. "I'm on my way back. Are you still there??"
"I'm packing up my bag," I said flatly.
I felt dead. If this really were just a misunderstanding, it would be one thing. But it's more than that-- Narc doesn't respect me, doesn't value my time and doesn't value me in general. And it hurt. And I've been feeling a sort of general disgust with him lately, so it covered everything in a sort of weariness from which I simply couldn't emerge.
Narc started to go on and on, making a million and one excuses about how his phone was on low battery so he had to turn it off and didn't get my messages, about how I was supposed to call before I came down.
"I did text you."
He just can't be responsible for anything.
"It's simple, Narc. You double booked," I said. "And there's no point in talking about it past that."
I couldn't say another word anyway. I had been struck dumb.
When he got back, he stood in the lobby and looked at me spread out on the sofa, covered in articles, my coat, a box for the leftover quesadilla, my backpack, my purse...
"I told you, you shouldn't have been waiting here in the lobby!" he said, awkwardly.
I didn't answer. I just gathered my stuff and followed him into the elevator.
Up in his apartment, I felt like I wanted to die. I wanted to die. I wanted to die. I sent myself a text message.
I want to die, it said.
"Do you mind if I smoke?" I said.
"Nah, go ahead."
I reclined on the sofa near the window, the ashtray resting on my stomach and proceeded to chain smoke five cigarettes. They were strong-- Marlboro reds. I let the plumes of smoke float up into my eyes and settle in my hair. My mouth tasted like an ashtray. My fingers smelled sweet like that old yellow tobacco smell.
"Are you just going to lay there and chain smoke all night?" Narc asked, still awkwardly.
"I want a drink," I said.
"No you don't, Hyde. It's not worth it."
"I just want a mood alteration, I guess. I'm sorry... just give me a few more minutes."
I seriously couldn't have a conversation just then. I felt a storm in my chest-- as if I would vomit my emotions if I didn't lay perfectly still.
Narc was going on and on about something, but I could hardly listen-- something about the Exhibitionist's roommate being sentenced to a year of jail for raping his fiancee.
I couldn't smoke another cigarette. My throat and tongue were burning. I was staring at the curling paper on the tip of that last cigarette. I was staring at its red hot center. I wanted to die.
"That'll kill you," he said.
"I don't really smoke," I answered.
"Well, I've got the coolest thing ever. You've got to check this out," he said smiling at me. "Come over here."
"What is it?"
I slowly turned my eyes to where he was sitting on the couch across the room.
"It's Zelda on the Nintendo DS! James lent it to me. Come play."
I walked over to where he was sitting and plopped down beside him.
"Are you going to be like this all night?" he asked.
"I'm sorry, I'm just in a mood."
"Well, I hope you get out of it!" he said. "It's not a big deal, Hyde! I was just having dinner with the Exhibitionist and when you said you were out eating, I figured could take my time with it."
"You said you'd be back in 30 minutes though."
"Yeah, but I figured you were fine because you went out."
"Whatever, Narc... I'm not attacking you. I'm just not feeling great. I was waiting for you for two hours. You'd be frustrated too."
"No. My friends always blow me off. You can't get upset about stuff like that."
"Aren't I entitled to my feelings?"
"Yeah, but it's a waste. It's a waste of energy for you to be upset about this."
"Oh, so my feelings just aren't valid?"
"They are, but..."
"Just get over it?"
"Yeah. God, maybe you do need a drink!"
I didn't answer.
"I'm sorry, Hyde-- that wasn't right of me to say."
I felt like I was going to cry, but I didn't. I was surprised he apologized for that. All I wanted was an "I'm sorry I left you waiting," but that apology was not forthcoming. All I got were justifications.
"So... Zelda?"
"You do it all with a stylus," he said.
He showed me the basics and I went to it. I did feel better. It was fun. I put my head on his shoulder. We tried to solve some block puzzle. I was slowly coming back into the world of "make-believe." I was slowly beginning to think everything was normal.
We played Zelda until the battery suddenly died. Then we watched some Joseph Campbell show on DVD. At 2:00 AM, we headed to bed. Narc wanted to watch the last episode of Californication, but I insisted on sleep.
"I have to wake up in five hours!" I said.
We had sex in bed, and it was fucked up in my head. I got off on the fact that he left me waiting all night. Sick, sick, sicko... Sick because it hurt.
"I'm sorry I was moody before," I whispered.
"I'm sorry that I left you waiting," he said. "But I really thought you were going to come later and I couldn't get away from the Exhibitionist. Not that I wanted to get away from her, she's great... but, you know... I thought you were all cool at the cafe, reading and that I didn't have to hurry back..."
(This was not an apology, but I didn't say anything. I just buried my face.)
This morning, waking up was a bitch. But, I managed to get myself up and out and taught two classes on the "Renaissance," which I kind of hate as a concept, but teach it anyway. (I wrote a whole paper about constructions of the Renaissance in the 19th century, so it's hard to present that particular construct as fact.) Anyway, I'm home now. I need a rest. I need some food... some nourishment.
I think Narc is after some new girl-- that bartender. I think I already mentioned her. I need to give her a blog name. I'll call her "Frenchie." He talks about her a lot. It reminds me of how he used to be in the early days of PopStar. I hope I'm wrong. In any case, I don't have another round of that in me. I'm tempted to just ask him flat out and if I'm right and he's pursuing her, I might just take my walking papers and go...
I'd welcome him if he were really here, but he's not, and the denial is exhausting. I am so fucking exhausted.
I am Atlas, holding this world of make-believe on my shoulders. It's breaking my back.
love,
h
I ordered a quesadilla, wrote in my journal and stared at my glum (but slightly mysterious) reflection in the mirror behind the bar. The waiter kept asking me if I were okay. I felt myself spiraling into a well of self-inflicted, aestheticized misery. I loved that it was cold outside. I loved looking at my own silver eyes.
But as I ate and wrote, I just couldn't shake the feeling that I am so undervalued in this relationship and I couldn't shake the reality that it is I who am "undervaluing" myself.
What am I worth in this world? What am I worth TO this world? I wondered.
At 9:19 PM he sent me a text: Wrapping up, final glass of wine. Give me 30 min or so to get back home.
I still felt miserable, but I decided that it was my choice to feel otherwise. So, I tried to write something nice.
At --- on W Broadway, I said. Didn't mean to stress you. Just bad planing, I guess...
I ate slowly. I drew it out over 40 minutes. I stared at a candle on the bar. The flame was whipping itself around. I comforted myself with the eternity of fire and knowledge of my own humanity. I tried to find some God-consciousness. Fire. Flame. Fire in every civilization. I tried to imagine fires blazing near prehistoric caves, on medieval candlesticks. I felt human because of that candle flame. I think it's the only thing that kept me from disappearing into the ether. But, I hadn't heard from Narc, so I decided to write to him at nearly 10:00 PM: Going back to your lobby. Will meet you there...
Fifteen minutes later, I got another text: Heading down in 5 min.
I couldn't believe that he hadn't left the restaurant yet! Even if we had mis-communicated and he thought he was supposed to meet me at 9:30, this was now 45 minutes after that! I was furious, but immobilized. I settled down in the lobby, reading some article about the German Wehrmacht. I couldn't focus.
"Are you sure he's coming back tonight?" the doorman called out to me from the desk across the lobby. "He sometimes comes back early in the morning."
"I don't know," I sighed.
Why didn't I leave??
I sent him a text: I'm leaving at 10:30. Hope to see you before then.
He called me just at 10:30.
"Just packed the Exhibitionist into a cab," he said. "I'm on my way back. Are you still there??"
"I'm packing up my bag," I said flatly.
I felt dead. If this really were just a misunderstanding, it would be one thing. But it's more than that-- Narc doesn't respect me, doesn't value my time and doesn't value me in general. And it hurt. And I've been feeling a sort of general disgust with him lately, so it covered everything in a sort of weariness from which I simply couldn't emerge.
Narc started to go on and on, making a million and one excuses about how his phone was on low battery so he had to turn it off and didn't get my messages, about how I was supposed to call before I came down.
"I did text you."
He just can't be responsible for anything.
"It's simple, Narc. You double booked," I said. "And there's no point in talking about it past that."
I couldn't say another word anyway. I had been struck dumb.
When he got back, he stood in the lobby and looked at me spread out on the sofa, covered in articles, my coat, a box for the leftover quesadilla, my backpack, my purse...
"I told you, you shouldn't have been waiting here in the lobby!" he said, awkwardly.
I didn't answer. I just gathered my stuff and followed him into the elevator.
Up in his apartment, I felt like I wanted to die. I wanted to die. I wanted to die. I sent myself a text message.
I want to die, it said.
"Do you mind if I smoke?" I said.
"Nah, go ahead."
I reclined on the sofa near the window, the ashtray resting on my stomach and proceeded to chain smoke five cigarettes. They were strong-- Marlboro reds. I let the plumes of smoke float up into my eyes and settle in my hair. My mouth tasted like an ashtray. My fingers smelled sweet like that old yellow tobacco smell.
"Are you just going to lay there and chain smoke all night?" Narc asked, still awkwardly.
"I want a drink," I said.
"No you don't, Hyde. It's not worth it."
"I just want a mood alteration, I guess. I'm sorry... just give me a few more minutes."
I seriously couldn't have a conversation just then. I felt a storm in my chest-- as if I would vomit my emotions if I didn't lay perfectly still.
Narc was going on and on about something, but I could hardly listen-- something about the Exhibitionist's roommate being sentenced to a year of jail for raping his fiancee.
I couldn't smoke another cigarette. My throat and tongue were burning. I was staring at the curling paper on the tip of that last cigarette. I was staring at its red hot center. I wanted to die.
"That'll kill you," he said.
"I don't really smoke," I answered.
"Well, I've got the coolest thing ever. You've got to check this out," he said smiling at me. "Come over here."
"What is it?"
I slowly turned my eyes to where he was sitting on the couch across the room.
"It's Zelda on the Nintendo DS! James lent it to me. Come play."
I walked over to where he was sitting and plopped down beside him.
"Are you going to be like this all night?" he asked.
"I'm sorry, I'm just in a mood."
"Well, I hope you get out of it!" he said. "It's not a big deal, Hyde! I was just having dinner with the Exhibitionist and when you said you were out eating, I figured could take my time with it."
"You said you'd be back in 30 minutes though."
"Yeah, but I figured you were fine because you went out."
"Whatever, Narc... I'm not attacking you. I'm just not feeling great. I was waiting for you for two hours. You'd be frustrated too."
"No. My friends always blow me off. You can't get upset about stuff like that."
"Aren't I entitled to my feelings?"
"Yeah, but it's a waste. It's a waste of energy for you to be upset about this."
"Oh, so my feelings just aren't valid?"
"They are, but..."
"Just get over it?"
"Yeah. God, maybe you do need a drink!"
I didn't answer.
"I'm sorry, Hyde-- that wasn't right of me to say."
I felt like I was going to cry, but I didn't. I was surprised he apologized for that. All I wanted was an "I'm sorry I left you waiting," but that apology was not forthcoming. All I got were justifications.
"So... Zelda?"
"You do it all with a stylus," he said.
He showed me the basics and I went to it. I did feel better. It was fun. I put my head on his shoulder. We tried to solve some block puzzle. I was slowly coming back into the world of "make-believe." I was slowly beginning to think everything was normal.
We played Zelda until the battery suddenly died. Then we watched some Joseph Campbell show on DVD. At 2:00 AM, we headed to bed. Narc wanted to watch the last episode of Californication, but I insisted on sleep.
"I have to wake up in five hours!" I said.
We had sex in bed, and it was fucked up in my head. I got off on the fact that he left me waiting all night. Sick, sick, sicko... Sick because it hurt.
"I'm sorry I was moody before," I whispered.
"I'm sorry that I left you waiting," he said. "But I really thought you were going to come later and I couldn't get away from the Exhibitionist. Not that I wanted to get away from her, she's great... but, you know... I thought you were all cool at the cafe, reading and that I didn't have to hurry back..."
(This was not an apology, but I didn't say anything. I just buried my face.)
This morning, waking up was a bitch. But, I managed to get myself up and out and taught two classes on the "Renaissance," which I kind of hate as a concept, but teach it anyway. (I wrote a whole paper about constructions of the Renaissance in the 19th century, so it's hard to present that particular construct as fact.) Anyway, I'm home now. I need a rest. I need some food... some nourishment.
I think Narc is after some new girl-- that bartender. I think I already mentioned her. I need to give her a blog name. I'll call her "Frenchie." He talks about her a lot. It reminds me of how he used to be in the early days of PopStar. I hope I'm wrong. In any case, I don't have another round of that in me. I'm tempted to just ask him flat out and if I'm right and he's pursuing her, I might just take my walking papers and go...
I'd welcome him if he were really here, but he's not, and the denial is exhausting. I am so fucking exhausted.
I am Atlas, holding this world of make-believe on my shoulders. It's breaking my back.
love,
h
Ich unglücksel'ger Atlas! Eine Welt,
Die ganze Welt der Schmerzen muß ich tragen,
Ich trage Unerträgliches, und brechen
Will mir das Herz im Leibe.
Du stolzes Herz, du hast es ja gewollt!
Du wolltest glücklich sein, unendlich glücklich,
Oder unendlich elend, stolzes Herz,
Und jetzo bist du elend.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Halloween Weekend
Well, it's Halloween weekend and it's the first one I don't feel like celebrating. I'm not sure why, but I'm just not in the mood. I just got off the phone with NDN. I have two party invites tonight and was going to bring him along, but don't feel like going, so he's going to try to find a party with some other friends.
Anyway, it's gray and dreary out and I'm feeling a little glum.
On Thursday night, after I posted, I ended up going over to Cheers to look for TT. He had already left. I stayed for an hour or so anyway, chatting a little with ThursdayGirl, but there was really no point in being there. It's kind of lame without the booze. But at around 2:00 AM, Narc texted me, so I went down to see him.
He was in brooding-mode. He was smoking cigarettes and sitting by the window when I arrived. It turns out he had stopped over at his new regular bar and the owner had "ripped him a new one" (as he put it) for his behavior on Saturday night, which apparently was aggressive, belligerent, and involved harassing women. He was ashamed and upset, but kept rationalizing over and over that he wasn't responsible for what happens in a blackout because it's "not him." He had a few other rationales as well, including one that stipulated that he "never gets drunk" because he's always "chaperoning James." I just tried to listen the best I could. I wanted to hug him, but I didn't. I got the feeling he didn't want to be touched.
When I was brushing my teeth in the bathroom, he came in to pee. It was strange. He never does that in front of me. I started to leave, but he told me to stay in the bathroom. He said that I should do something "normal" and not watch. Huh? It was almost like he is "playing" at a more intimate relationship. I feel like lately with him, everything is one great game of What if....?
The next morning, I had to get up early to meet B. I was a little distressed because I feel like Narc is courting a new girl-- one of the bartenders at the place where he acted like a jackass. Of course, this could just be my own paranoia. I talked to Hammer about it though, and she helped me put everything back into perspective.
B and I met on 42nd street and went to the movies. We saw Michael Clayton which was actually kind of awesome. Afterwards, I walked him over to Grand Central and then I walked downtown to therapy.
It was a good session, but a difficult one. I don't know why the diagnosis that he offered has left me so freaked out. But I've been feeling "dark" ever since.
I came home after therapy and tried to eat a piece of sushi (or three) but it wasn't sitting so well, so I just laid in bed, looked out at the rain and tried to digest. I had plans to meet Hammer and the Alaskan over at the American Folk Art Museum to hear the Alaskan's friend play. There was some confusion about where and when the event would be taking place, but we eventually all arrived. The performance was in the lobby. A strange woman with "kool-aid-hair" played first. The Alaskan's friend was awesome. He looks like Oliver Twist. There were enormous wood carvings taken from synagogues and carousels decorating the space.
Afterwards, we decided to go to synagogue, but the Alaskan changed his mind en route and hopped off the subway somewhere on the Upper West Side. Hammer and I continued on, even though the service had already started.
When we got out of there, we poked around in the Gap for a few minutes and then I bid Hammer farewell.
I was exhausted and happy to be home by the time I got here. I was obsessed with having to have a certain coconut curry soup. Thankfully I found some on seamlessweb and had it delivered so that I didn't have to go on my quest in the rain.
So, I ate my soup in bed and watched some TV. Pixie's cell phone kept dialing mine over and over and over and it was driving me crazy! I finally got a hold of her, and we decided that her phone had been possessed.
I just felt my brow furrowing as the night went on, my eyes becoming shaded. That can happen sometimes... I forced myself to shut my phone off, as I really needed a good night's sleep. I was nervous though. I thought Narc might call. It was almost 1:00 AM when I went to sleep.
You'll wake up at 2:00 and check your messages, I told myself.
I didn't wake up until 5:30 AM, though. He had, indeed, texted me to come down there. (That would have been the third night in a row with him.) I felt anxious that I missed his text, but I went back to sleep. I slept straight through until the afternoon today. Now I have to work on grading midterms.
I feel defensive though... psychologically defensive. And I feel like I might die. I don't know why... Glum. I guess I just feel glum. It doesn't feel like Halloween weekend. Halloween is sometimes my favorite holiday. I guess I'll wait for Christmas this year.
I'm looking forward to seeing Pixie at the meeting tonight. Maybe I'll sing a little Massenet before I start grading.
love,
h
Anyway, it's gray and dreary out and I'm feeling a little glum.
On Thursday night, after I posted, I ended up going over to Cheers to look for TT. He had already left. I stayed for an hour or so anyway, chatting a little with ThursdayGirl, but there was really no point in being there. It's kind of lame without the booze. But at around 2:00 AM, Narc texted me, so I went down to see him.
He was in brooding-mode. He was smoking cigarettes and sitting by the window when I arrived. It turns out he had stopped over at his new regular bar and the owner had "ripped him a new one" (as he put it) for his behavior on Saturday night, which apparently was aggressive, belligerent, and involved harassing women. He was ashamed and upset, but kept rationalizing over and over that he wasn't responsible for what happens in a blackout because it's "not him." He had a few other rationales as well, including one that stipulated that he "never gets drunk" because he's always "chaperoning James." I just tried to listen the best I could. I wanted to hug him, but I didn't. I got the feeling he didn't want to be touched.
When I was brushing my teeth in the bathroom, he came in to pee. It was strange. He never does that in front of me. I started to leave, but he told me to stay in the bathroom. He said that I should do something "normal" and not watch. Huh? It was almost like he is "playing" at a more intimate relationship. I feel like lately with him, everything is one great game of What if....?
The next morning, I had to get up early to meet B. I was a little distressed because I feel like Narc is courting a new girl-- one of the bartenders at the place where he acted like a jackass. Of course, this could just be my own paranoia. I talked to Hammer about it though, and she helped me put everything back into perspective.
B and I met on 42nd street and went to the movies. We saw Michael Clayton which was actually kind of awesome. Afterwards, I walked him over to Grand Central and then I walked downtown to therapy.
It was a good session, but a difficult one. I don't know why the diagnosis that he offered has left me so freaked out. But I've been feeling "dark" ever since.
I came home after therapy and tried to eat a piece of sushi (or three) but it wasn't sitting so well, so I just laid in bed, looked out at the rain and tried to digest. I had plans to meet Hammer and the Alaskan over at the American Folk Art Museum to hear the Alaskan's friend play. There was some confusion about where and when the event would be taking place, but we eventually all arrived. The performance was in the lobby. A strange woman with "kool-aid-hair" played first. The Alaskan's friend was awesome. He looks like Oliver Twist. There were enormous wood carvings taken from synagogues and carousels decorating the space.
Afterwards, we decided to go to synagogue, but the Alaskan changed his mind en route and hopped off the subway somewhere on the Upper West Side. Hammer and I continued on, even though the service had already started.
When we got out of there, we poked around in the Gap for a few minutes and then I bid Hammer farewell.
I was exhausted and happy to be home by the time I got here. I was obsessed with having to have a certain coconut curry soup. Thankfully I found some on seamlessweb and had it delivered so that I didn't have to go on my quest in the rain.
So, I ate my soup in bed and watched some TV. Pixie's cell phone kept dialing mine over and over and over and it was driving me crazy! I finally got a hold of her, and we decided that her phone had been possessed.
I just felt my brow furrowing as the night went on, my eyes becoming shaded. That can happen sometimes... I forced myself to shut my phone off, as I really needed a good night's sleep. I was nervous though. I thought Narc might call. It was almost 1:00 AM when I went to sleep.
You'll wake up at 2:00 and check your messages, I told myself.
I didn't wake up until 5:30 AM, though. He had, indeed, texted me to come down there. (That would have been the third night in a row with him.) I felt anxious that I missed his text, but I went back to sleep. I slept straight through until the afternoon today. Now I have to work on grading midterms.
I feel defensive though... psychologically defensive. And I feel like I might die. I don't know why... Glum. I guess I just feel glum. It doesn't feel like Halloween weekend. Halloween is sometimes my favorite holiday. I guess I'll wait for Christmas this year.
I'm looking forward to seeing Pixie at the meeting tonight. Maybe I'll sing a little Massenet before I start grading.
love,
h
Thursday, October 25, 2007
It was Epic
Oh, man! My body is sore all over, and I don't know whether it's from sex or singing! Today was a great day. Yesterday was a great day. For once I'm in a pretty good mood! :)
Um... when did I last update this thing? Monday? Well, Tuesday was a busy day. Tuesday's are always my crazy-busy day. I taught two classes (which wasn't all that bad, as I just had to administer midterms) and then I raced across town to do some reading before my German history class. Class was interesting, as I was prepared (for once), but semi-depressing as "National Socialism" can tend to be. After class I met Hammer for a quick coffee and some gossip and then I headed to pick up the milk, race to AA and get on with my evening.
We had a truly weird (awful?) speaker on Tuesday night. Although he had 20 years of sobriety, he still "pads his expense account" and sometimes thinks about hurling himself onto the subway platform. Oh-- and he admitted to frequenting child-prostitutes... girls and boys. WTF?!? I thought we were supposed to share "in a general way..."
After the meeting I got a text from TT that he was over at Cheers for quiz-night. I slapped on another coat of makeup and headed over to say hi. I never know what the deal is between me and TT. There's a lot of flirtation, but no sexual tension and absolutely no conversation flow. In fact, it's kind of awful. But the other day, he IM'd me about finally learning some Evanescence song for karaoke.
"Put up or shut up," he said.
Wonder if there was anything passive aggressive about that!
He insisted on buying my diet cokes on Tuesday (pointing out that I'm a cheap date these days) and he stayed after his friends left to talk to me with some more dull conversation. Then he walked me home and gave me a hug in which my face got squished into his chest and he rubbed my back. He is a sweet guy. I'm just not into him, and I wonder what we're still doing hanging out.
In any event, that was Tuesday night. I got home just after midnight and was restless. I texted Narc something slightly suggestive and regret it immediately after. Maybe I did it because TT made me feel wanted and I'm more "comfortable" feeling rejected. I had to return myself to reject-mode. It worked. I shut my phone and went to sleep with a slight knot in my stomach.
On Wednesday morning I had one task before me-- get up and do some work!! That wasn't really happening. I read an article or two and plopped back into bed with some TV. Then I walked across the street to pick up a bite to eat, brought it home and crawled back into bed with my lunch and Beauty and the Geek. My phone buzzed. It was Narc!
Narc: Around?
Hyde: What's up?
Narc: Coming over to your place.
Hyde: ? Where are you?
Narc: Coming over! Be there in 10 min
Hyde: But it's a wreck!
Narc: I shall survive. Heading up now.
Hyde: I have a voice lesson...
Narc: Few blocks away.
In the midst of this texting frenzy, I was madly dashing around my house, scooping up piles of clothes, throwing things into closets, sweeping the floors, wiping down counters... I was sweaty and crazy. Oh-- and I also had to clear the "history" on my computer, take the blogs out of my bookmarked list and quickly scan for any diaries or other things lying around that might be cause for discomfort. I can't tell you the state I was in! But there was also that delicious excitement that he was coming, that he was coming without asking, that he would be in my home, in my space, in moments. He hadn't been here since last December! I don't know... I'm just crazy about the guy.
And then he was here. It was absolutely epic. The doorman buzzed me, letting me know he was coming up, but Narc didn't bother ringing the doorbell. He just walked in. He kissed me. It wasn't an intense sexual kiss, but it was more open lipped than a "hello" kiss. It was a weird kiss that carried with it all sorts of expectations and assumptions and comfortableness.
"I brought you an apple strudel from Blaue Gans," he said, shaking the plastic container in his hand.
"Aww, that's sweet! But you know I can't eat sugar," I smiled. "But thanks anyway..."
"But I brought it for you," he said. "I thought you would like it, so I brought it for you."
"But Narc, I can't eat it."
"You can try a bite," he grinned, handing me the container.
"I really can't."
"There's not that much sugar in it. I brought it for you."
"What if I get sick?"
"You're not going to die from a bite of strudel."
"Okay. But take care of me if I do!"
I had a bite. It was delicious. I didn't die.
"Thanks for thinking of me," I said. "It was really sweet."
"Can you get me a cigarette?" he asked.
"Yeah, sure. Do you want a diet coke too?"
He was taking his shirt off. "Too many clothes," he laughed.
"I can't take off my bottoms," I said, while awkwardly watching him disrobe.
"Still bleeding?"
"Yeah."
It was weird. The whole mood in the place was weird. I had been listening to Everything but the Girl's acoustic album. Half a cigarette was dangling from my fingers. I stamped it out.
"You can finish your cigarette," he laughed.
"Yeah, well I don't want to."
I came around to where he was sitting and kneeled down. Whenever I don't know what to do, I always want to just give a blow job. Tasks are good when one feels lost.
It was extra hot for me. Broad daylight. The suddenness of it all. My knees on the floor. Narc looking down on me. I loved locking eyes with him.
"I want to come inside of you," he said, pushing me onto my back and climbing on top of me.
"Narc, I told you that I can't today..."
"That's why it's safe," he said. He was pulling my pants off.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah. We'll be fine."
"Okay."
I don't know why I said okay. I said it for the same reason I ate the apple strudel, knowing it might make me sick. I have no clue what that reason is, but I did them both for the same reason.
And it was awesome. It was fucking amazing. My thighs and hips are still feeling it though. I was so in love with him in that moment. He looked in my eyes with a look I've ever only seen on his face once before (and that was back in March 2005, but I'll never forget it!). When he finished, he didn't pull out. Instead, he just stayed there, inside me, collapsed on top of me, completely together with me until he was ready to go again. I pushed his hair back and kissed him. I love him so much. I really do. Everything was perfect in that moment. Everything.
Anyway, after as much more of that as we could both manage, he went to take a shower and I tried to clean up the kicked over boxes of protein-drinks, the shoved away love-seat and whatever else had been toppled or turned in the process.
Narc came out of the shower in a towel that I had gotten for him and laid down on the couch. I was fiddling at the computer.
"We need some new music," I said. He agreed.
I played him the Little Mermaid remix that I made with Hammer and the Alaskan. He laughed.
You sound good," he said. "But you guys need to add bass."
"We were just screwing around with it..."
And then... oh God... I can't believe what happened next! The Little Mermaid song is saved on iTunes with my name listed as the "artist." Well, I also have all of Narc's voice-mails saved on my computer and they're in my iTunes list with my name as the arist. So, just as the mermaid song was ending, Narc's voice came through the speakers in some ancient message. I was mortified. I shut it off as soon as I could.
"I just save all my old voice mails," I hastily explained. "All the ones that have some meaning..." I stammered. "See? Here's one from my mom for Rochie's birthday."
I clicked on my mom's message to play it.
"And here's one from Brick! And one from my grandma!"
Thank god I had a few other ones there.
"Why do you save all those?" he asked, one eyebrow raised.
"I don't know... You know me!" I tried to laugh. I came over to where he was sitting on the couch. "If I don't save things, I lose my grip on reality. I convince myself that some things never happened. I still have messages from my relationship with B!"
"When the aliens land, they'll use what you've left to reconstruct human civilization," he said, dryly.
"Maybe. But it's for me that I save it... not for anyone else."
I just wanted to change the subject. Ugh!!! I hate that that happened!!!
In any case, the mood changed again and Narc must have been distracted because he told me to masturbate. And then he wanted to masturbate and come and have me "clean it all up." And then I had to go to my voice lesson.
I didn't want to leave him in my house. He wasn't moving to get dressed.
"So..." I began with hesitation, "What are you going to do?"
"I've got nothing to do right now. Can't go home. Out of money."
"What? How's that?"
"There should be some more in my account later. But I can't even get home right now."
"Wanna come with me to my lesson?"
"Um... no.. not really. I think I'll just stay here."
"Are you even gonna ask me if it's okay to stay here?"
I really didn't want to leave him in my house alone.
"Is it okay for me to stay here?" he asked sarcastically.
"Yeah, it's okay."
We walked into the bedroom. I was putting lipstick on and trying to find a hairband to sweep my hair back into a ponytail. He laid on top of my bed. I handed him the remote.
"Just don't read my diaries," I said.
"Hyde," he sighed, "You have no idea how little interest I have in reading your diaries! You have nothing to worry about."
"Um... I hope so..."
And I was off.
My voice lesson was kind of incredible. It was so hard, but in a good way. I can't support my rib-cage in the same way with the extra pounds off, and my core muscles just aren't up to the task yet. I was exhausted with the workout she was giving me! By the end of the lesson, I was ready to call it quits, but I was also elated. She also assigned me a new song to work on--Massenet's Pleurez, pleurez mes yeux! It's Romantic, it's dramatic and it's in a minor key. I can't think of anything more delicious!
I was nervous in the cab heading back to my apartment. Do you all remember that masturbation incident back on Valentine's Day 2005, when I left Narc and Anxious together in my apartment? I was also coming back from a voice lesson when I walked in on that scene. It was running through my mind in a loop.
However, this time when I arrived home, it was different. Narc was curled up asleep in my bed, under the covers. My room was golden and glowing and cozy, like I like it, only to see him there... in my bed... my heart was aching in a good way. Lethal Weapon IV was playing on the TV. I laid down next to him and kissed his head. He opened his eyes.
"Get undressed and come under the covers," he murmured.
I did. He put his hands around my waist and pulled me into his chest.
"I jerked off in your bed after you left," he said. "I just liked being in your bed."
I buried my face deeper in his neck. More beautiful sex ensued. He choked me a little. Everything, everything-- perfect, perfect, perfect.
I was physically drained, though, from all the sex and my voice lesson.
Narc wanted to get dinner. We decided on sushi. I sang an aria for him before we left-- Pace mio dio. I think he was impressed.
It was raining. I was worried that he might catch a cold. The sushi was entirely delicious. I liked the "dinosaur roll." We talked about a lot of things. He told me again about that girl who lived in the house with him in New Orleans-- the one who slept with his best friend. We talked again about PopStar. I told him that I know that he knew he was fooling himself the whole time. He agreed that he never really liked her. Even so, he will never get over any of it. Narc is such a victim. It's weird for me to see, now that I'm recovery, that all he has to do is get it out in a fourth step! He told me about his first drink and all that it did. Do people who are not alcoholics remember their first drink? Is it magic for everyone? He told me about his 18th birthday, about how his "host mother" in Japan is the only "family" he feels like he ever had.
It was a nice dinner. I love him.
On our way home, he stopped at an ATM and gave me cash for the meal. I guess the money had materialized while we were eating.
Back at my place, I called Hammer back and then called Pixie back. We hung out for a while longer, but got into bed pretty early. Side by side we watched Beauty and the Geek. It was so damn domestic! Then Narc watched South Park while I took a shower. When I got out, I climbed back into bed and put my head on his chest.
"What I wouldn't give for some Half Baked right now," he said. "You don't have any ice cream, do you?"
"No... no sugar, remember?"
"Oh yeah."
"But we could go get some," I said. "The deli's right across the street."
"Nah... I don't want to go out now. It's raining, and we're both in for the night."
"I can go get it," I volunteered.
"What? No! Don't be ridiculous, Hyde..."
"It's not ridiculous! I don't mind getting it for you."
"You're turned in already... you're not going out."
"I don't mind!" I insisted. "I want to go!" (I really did. Again, don't ask me why, but I had a burning desire to go get him that ice cream.)
"It's done!" I declared, leaping up out of bed and pulling on my jeans.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah. I'll be back in ten!"
I got him ice cream and a little bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and I got myself a mini bag of pretzels.
"I never see you here anymore," the late-night deli-man said.
"Yeah, that's because first I stopped drinking and then I stopped eating ice cream!" I laughed.
We both looked down at the Half Baked I was about to pay for.
"That's for a friend," I interjected. Then I felt lame for having said that. Whatever...
Narc was like a little kid when I gave him the ice cream. He ate it in bed. I was so happy to make him happy. I love being able to make him happy. (Why? Because I know at the core that I will always fail to make him TRULY happy. I can't really fix things for him. At least I can bring him ice cream, though!)
And then I burrowed down back into him and we went to bed. Did I say, already, that I love him?
Just before we fell asleep, we watched the only saved episode of Sex in the City that I have on my DVR-- the one with the dominos and Mr. Big's blocked heart! My world was in some sort of metaphysical collapse.
This morning my alarm went off at 7:30 AM. I got dressed in the bathroom to let him sleep for a while. Pixie called me at 8:15 for our Thursday morning prayer. I prayed quietly in the living room. Just as I was going back in to check on Narc, I was shocked that he was getting up and dressed of his own accord.
"Good morning!" I smiled.
"It's an ungodly hour," he said.
It was about 8:40 AM.
"Tell me about it," I laughed. We are such night owls!
We got in cabs at the same time.
Didn't get to hug you goodbye, so here's my hug via text! :) I wrote.
Aww! (hug), he answered.
Anyway, today was a pretty good day. I taught this morning and then gave two makeup exams and then came home and took care of some paperwork and then mentally prepped myself for the meeting tonight. I was the speaker at my homegroup's beginner meeting. I was sooooo nervous! I don't know why, but I just was.
It was great, though, because I just spoke and in doing so realized how much I had to offer. I can't even tell you what an enormous amount of positive feedback and praise I got afterwards. Several people told me I said just what they had needed to hear. Others told me that I was eloquent, clear, wonderful. Pixie told me that she doesn't know what she did to get so lucky to have a woman like me in her life. It felt so good to be of service like that. I know that my life isn't in perfect order right now and that I'm still pretty fucked up when it comes to Narc and that I still haven't finished my incompletes, but I was able to help others. I'm not perfect, but I've got pretty amazing recovery. It felt good.
So, I was in good spirits tonight. I walked home from my meeting, smoking cigarettes and gabbing with my mom en route.
It's just after midnight. Not sure what to do with myself for the rest of the night. Logic dictates going to bed, but TT invited me back to Cheers. Narc texted not too long ago to tell me that he saw the preview for 24. I wrote back, but he didn't answer. My guess is that he's out with friends. I shouldn't be guessing, though. That's my obsessive anxiety and I don't need it. I need to permit myself to be at peace tonight because everything is good tonight. I don't know that it will stay that way, but it's good right now.
It's good right now. And that's epic.
love,
h
Um... when did I last update this thing? Monday? Well, Tuesday was a busy day. Tuesday's are always my crazy-busy day. I taught two classes (which wasn't all that bad, as I just had to administer midterms) and then I raced across town to do some reading before my German history class. Class was interesting, as I was prepared (for once), but semi-depressing as "National Socialism" can tend to be. After class I met Hammer for a quick coffee and some gossip and then I headed to pick up the milk, race to AA and get on with my evening.
We had a truly weird (awful?) speaker on Tuesday night. Although he had 20 years of sobriety, he still "pads his expense account" and sometimes thinks about hurling himself onto the subway platform. Oh-- and he admitted to frequenting child-prostitutes... girls and boys. WTF?!? I thought we were supposed to share "in a general way..."
After the meeting I got a text from TT that he was over at Cheers for quiz-night. I slapped on another coat of makeup and headed over to say hi. I never know what the deal is between me and TT. There's a lot of flirtation, but no sexual tension and absolutely no conversation flow. In fact, it's kind of awful. But the other day, he IM'd me about finally learning some Evanescence song for karaoke.
"Put up or shut up," he said.
Wonder if there was anything passive aggressive about that!
He insisted on buying my diet cokes on Tuesday (pointing out that I'm a cheap date these days) and he stayed after his friends left to talk to me with some more dull conversation. Then he walked me home and gave me a hug in which my face got squished into his chest and he rubbed my back. He is a sweet guy. I'm just not into him, and I wonder what we're still doing hanging out.
In any event, that was Tuesday night. I got home just after midnight and was restless. I texted Narc something slightly suggestive and regret it immediately after. Maybe I did it because TT made me feel wanted and I'm more "comfortable" feeling rejected. I had to return myself to reject-mode. It worked. I shut my phone and went to sleep with a slight knot in my stomach.
On Wednesday morning I had one task before me-- get up and do some work!! That wasn't really happening. I read an article or two and plopped back into bed with some TV. Then I walked across the street to pick up a bite to eat, brought it home and crawled back into bed with my lunch and Beauty and the Geek. My phone buzzed. It was Narc!
Narc: Around?
Hyde: What's up?
Narc: Coming over to your place.
Hyde: ? Where are you?
Narc: Coming over! Be there in 10 min
Hyde: But it's a wreck!
Narc: I shall survive. Heading up now.
Hyde: I have a voice lesson...
Narc: Few blocks away.
In the midst of this texting frenzy, I was madly dashing around my house, scooping up piles of clothes, throwing things into closets, sweeping the floors, wiping down counters... I was sweaty and crazy. Oh-- and I also had to clear the "history" on my computer, take the blogs out of my bookmarked list and quickly scan for any diaries or other things lying around that might be cause for discomfort. I can't tell you the state I was in! But there was also that delicious excitement that he was coming, that he was coming without asking, that he would be in my home, in my space, in moments. He hadn't been here since last December! I don't know... I'm just crazy about the guy.
And then he was here. It was absolutely epic. The doorman buzzed me, letting me know he was coming up, but Narc didn't bother ringing the doorbell. He just walked in. He kissed me. It wasn't an intense sexual kiss, but it was more open lipped than a "hello" kiss. It was a weird kiss that carried with it all sorts of expectations and assumptions and comfortableness.
"I brought you an apple strudel from Blaue Gans," he said, shaking the plastic container in his hand.
"Aww, that's sweet! But you know I can't eat sugar," I smiled. "But thanks anyway..."
"But I brought it for you," he said. "I thought you would like it, so I brought it for you."
"But Narc, I can't eat it."
"You can try a bite," he grinned, handing me the container.
"I really can't."
"There's not that much sugar in it. I brought it for you."
"What if I get sick?"
"You're not going to die from a bite of strudel."
"Okay. But take care of me if I do!"
I had a bite. It was delicious. I didn't die.
"Thanks for thinking of me," I said. "It was really sweet."
"Can you get me a cigarette?" he asked.
"Yeah, sure. Do you want a diet coke too?"
He was taking his shirt off. "Too many clothes," he laughed.
"I can't take off my bottoms," I said, while awkwardly watching him disrobe.
"Still bleeding?"
"Yeah."
It was weird. The whole mood in the place was weird. I had been listening to Everything but the Girl's acoustic album. Half a cigarette was dangling from my fingers. I stamped it out.
"You can finish your cigarette," he laughed.
"Yeah, well I don't want to."
I came around to where he was sitting and kneeled down. Whenever I don't know what to do, I always want to just give a blow job. Tasks are good when one feels lost.
It was extra hot for me. Broad daylight. The suddenness of it all. My knees on the floor. Narc looking down on me. I loved locking eyes with him.
"I want to come inside of you," he said, pushing me onto my back and climbing on top of me.
"Narc, I told you that I can't today..."
"That's why it's safe," he said. He was pulling my pants off.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah. We'll be fine."
"Okay."
I don't know why I said okay. I said it for the same reason I ate the apple strudel, knowing it might make me sick. I have no clue what that reason is, but I did them both for the same reason.
And it was awesome. It was fucking amazing. My thighs and hips are still feeling it though. I was so in love with him in that moment. He looked in my eyes with a look I've ever only seen on his face once before (and that was back in March 2005, but I'll never forget it!). When he finished, he didn't pull out. Instead, he just stayed there, inside me, collapsed on top of me, completely together with me until he was ready to go again. I pushed his hair back and kissed him. I love him so much. I really do. Everything was perfect in that moment. Everything.
Anyway, after as much more of that as we could both manage, he went to take a shower and I tried to clean up the kicked over boxes of protein-drinks, the shoved away love-seat and whatever else had been toppled or turned in the process.
Narc came out of the shower in a towel that I had gotten for him and laid down on the couch. I was fiddling at the computer.
"We need some new music," I said. He agreed.
I played him the Little Mermaid remix that I made with Hammer and the Alaskan. He laughed.
You sound good," he said. "But you guys need to add bass."
"We were just screwing around with it..."
And then... oh God... I can't believe what happened next! The Little Mermaid song is saved on iTunes with my name listed as the "artist." Well, I also have all of Narc's voice-mails saved on my computer and they're in my iTunes list with my name as the arist. So, just as the mermaid song was ending, Narc's voice came through the speakers in some ancient message. I was mortified. I shut it off as soon as I could.
"I just save all my old voice mails," I hastily explained. "All the ones that have some meaning..." I stammered. "See? Here's one from my mom for Rochie's birthday."
I clicked on my mom's message to play it.
"And here's one from Brick! And one from my grandma!"
Thank god I had a few other ones there.
"Why do you save all those?" he asked, one eyebrow raised.
"I don't know... You know me!" I tried to laugh. I came over to where he was sitting on the couch. "If I don't save things, I lose my grip on reality. I convince myself that some things never happened. I still have messages from my relationship with B!"
"When the aliens land, they'll use what you've left to reconstruct human civilization," he said, dryly.
"Maybe. But it's for me that I save it... not for anyone else."
I just wanted to change the subject. Ugh!!! I hate that that happened!!!
In any case, the mood changed again and Narc must have been distracted because he told me to masturbate. And then he wanted to masturbate and come and have me "clean it all up." And then I had to go to my voice lesson.
I didn't want to leave him in my house. He wasn't moving to get dressed.
"So..." I began with hesitation, "What are you going to do?"
"I've got nothing to do right now. Can't go home. Out of money."
"What? How's that?"
"There should be some more in my account later. But I can't even get home right now."
"Wanna come with me to my lesson?"
"Um... no.. not really. I think I'll just stay here."
"Are you even gonna ask me if it's okay to stay here?"
I really didn't want to leave him in my house alone.
"Is it okay for me to stay here?" he asked sarcastically.
"Yeah, it's okay."
We walked into the bedroom. I was putting lipstick on and trying to find a hairband to sweep my hair back into a ponytail. He laid on top of my bed. I handed him the remote.
"Just don't read my diaries," I said.
"Hyde," he sighed, "You have no idea how little interest I have in reading your diaries! You have nothing to worry about."
"Um... I hope so..."
And I was off.
My voice lesson was kind of incredible. It was so hard, but in a good way. I can't support my rib-cage in the same way with the extra pounds off, and my core muscles just aren't up to the task yet. I was exhausted with the workout she was giving me! By the end of the lesson, I was ready to call it quits, but I was also elated. She also assigned me a new song to work on--Massenet's Pleurez, pleurez mes yeux! It's Romantic, it's dramatic and it's in a minor key. I can't think of anything more delicious!
I was nervous in the cab heading back to my apartment. Do you all remember that masturbation incident back on Valentine's Day 2005, when I left Narc and Anxious together in my apartment? I was also coming back from a voice lesson when I walked in on that scene. It was running through my mind in a loop.
However, this time when I arrived home, it was different. Narc was curled up asleep in my bed, under the covers. My room was golden and glowing and cozy, like I like it, only to see him there... in my bed... my heart was aching in a good way. Lethal Weapon IV was playing on the TV. I laid down next to him and kissed his head. He opened his eyes.
"Get undressed and come under the covers," he murmured.
I did. He put his hands around my waist and pulled me into his chest.
"I jerked off in your bed after you left," he said. "I just liked being in your bed."
I buried my face deeper in his neck. More beautiful sex ensued. He choked me a little. Everything, everything-- perfect, perfect, perfect.
I was physically drained, though, from all the sex and my voice lesson.
Narc wanted to get dinner. We decided on sushi. I sang an aria for him before we left-- Pace mio dio. I think he was impressed.
It was raining. I was worried that he might catch a cold. The sushi was entirely delicious. I liked the "dinosaur roll." We talked about a lot of things. He told me again about that girl who lived in the house with him in New Orleans-- the one who slept with his best friend. We talked again about PopStar. I told him that I know that he knew he was fooling himself the whole time. He agreed that he never really liked her. Even so, he will never get over any of it. Narc is such a victim. It's weird for me to see, now that I'm recovery, that all he has to do is get it out in a fourth step! He told me about his first drink and all that it did. Do people who are not alcoholics remember their first drink? Is it magic for everyone? He told me about his 18th birthday, about how his "host mother" in Japan is the only "family" he feels like he ever had.
It was a nice dinner. I love him.
On our way home, he stopped at an ATM and gave me cash for the meal. I guess the money had materialized while we were eating.
Back at my place, I called Hammer back and then called Pixie back. We hung out for a while longer, but got into bed pretty early. Side by side we watched Beauty and the Geek. It was so damn domestic! Then Narc watched South Park while I took a shower. When I got out, I climbed back into bed and put my head on his chest.
"What I wouldn't give for some Half Baked right now," he said. "You don't have any ice cream, do you?"
"No... no sugar, remember?"
"Oh yeah."
"But we could go get some," I said. "The deli's right across the street."
"Nah... I don't want to go out now. It's raining, and we're both in for the night."
"I can go get it," I volunteered.
"What? No! Don't be ridiculous, Hyde..."
"It's not ridiculous! I don't mind getting it for you."
"You're turned in already... you're not going out."
"I don't mind!" I insisted. "I want to go!" (I really did. Again, don't ask me why, but I had a burning desire to go get him that ice cream.)
"It's done!" I declared, leaping up out of bed and pulling on my jeans.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah. I'll be back in ten!"
I got him ice cream and a little bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and I got myself a mini bag of pretzels.
"I never see you here anymore," the late-night deli-man said.
"Yeah, that's because first I stopped drinking and then I stopped eating ice cream!" I laughed.
We both looked down at the Half Baked I was about to pay for.
"That's for a friend," I interjected. Then I felt lame for having said that. Whatever...
Narc was like a little kid when I gave him the ice cream. He ate it in bed. I was so happy to make him happy. I love being able to make him happy. (Why? Because I know at the core that I will always fail to make him TRULY happy. I can't really fix things for him. At least I can bring him ice cream, though!)
And then I burrowed down back into him and we went to bed. Did I say, already, that I love him?
Just before we fell asleep, we watched the only saved episode of Sex in the City that I have on my DVR-- the one with the dominos and Mr. Big's blocked heart! My world was in some sort of metaphysical collapse.
This morning my alarm went off at 7:30 AM. I got dressed in the bathroom to let him sleep for a while. Pixie called me at 8:15 for our Thursday morning prayer. I prayed quietly in the living room. Just as I was going back in to check on Narc, I was shocked that he was getting up and dressed of his own accord.
"Good morning!" I smiled.
"It's an ungodly hour," he said.
It was about 8:40 AM.
"Tell me about it," I laughed. We are such night owls!
We got in cabs at the same time.
Didn't get to hug you goodbye, so here's my hug via text! :) I wrote.
Aww! (hug), he answered.
Anyway, today was a pretty good day. I taught this morning and then gave two makeup exams and then came home and took care of some paperwork and then mentally prepped myself for the meeting tonight. I was the speaker at my homegroup's beginner meeting. I was sooooo nervous! I don't know why, but I just was.
It was great, though, because I just spoke and in doing so realized how much I had to offer. I can't even tell you what an enormous amount of positive feedback and praise I got afterwards. Several people told me I said just what they had needed to hear. Others told me that I was eloquent, clear, wonderful. Pixie told me that she doesn't know what she did to get so lucky to have a woman like me in her life. It felt so good to be of service like that. I know that my life isn't in perfect order right now and that I'm still pretty fucked up when it comes to Narc and that I still haven't finished my incompletes, but I was able to help others. I'm not perfect, but I've got pretty amazing recovery. It felt good.
So, I was in good spirits tonight. I walked home from my meeting, smoking cigarettes and gabbing with my mom en route.
It's just after midnight. Not sure what to do with myself for the rest of the night. Logic dictates going to bed, but TT invited me back to Cheers. Narc texted not too long ago to tell me that he saw the preview for 24. I wrote back, but he didn't answer. My guess is that he's out with friends. I shouldn't be guessing, though. That's my obsessive anxiety and I don't need it. I need to permit myself to be at peace tonight because everything is good tonight. I don't know that it will stay that way, but it's good right now.
It's good right now. And that's epic.
love,
h
Monday, October 22, 2007
Autumn leaves
Hmmm.... It seems like today is not going to entirely go according to plan. I just arrived at my office to write up the midterm exam that I'm giving tomorrow, only to realize that I forgot my key. Normally this would not be a big deal, as the department secretary has a master key, but she appears to be out to lunch. I came to the copy room to wait (where I am currently using the computer) only to find a technician working on the copy machine. How the hell am I going to copy the exams in time??? I really hope the situation around here improves soon (as in the secretary returns and the machine gets fixed in short order). I'm listening to Elvis-gospel, though, so nothing can really be too ill in the world.
Remember when I was anxiously watching Oz and eating strawberries on Saturday night? The anxiety mounted to the point where I popped a Lunesta before bed. That was at about 2:00 AM. Typically, at 3:00 AM my phone rang. It was Narc. I told him I was asleep. He offered to come to my place. I told him I didn't want him to.
"Why? Because it's too messy."
"Um... yeah."
"I don't care."
"Well, I do."
So... I agreed to go to him. I got up and threw on some clothes, forgetting that I had taken the Lunesta which left me slightly disoriented and very dizzy.
Out into the breezy night to catch a cab. I started to climb into the backseat.
"Come sit in the front," the driver beckoned.
In my slightly drugged state, I guess that made sense to me, so I did. What a mistake! As we cruised down the FDR I had to constantly remove his groping hand from my leg and shoulder. I kept telling him not to touch me, yet for some reason, he still thought it was a good idea to ask for my phone number. It was super gross.
When I got to Narc's, I told him I had been molested by the cabbie. Narc was a little toasted, but in a good way. He told me to take my clothes off and we smoked cigarettes by the window. Then, the usual antics ensued. It was a nice night... a top of the line kind of night when it comes to Narc.
The next morning we didn't wake up until the afternoon. So much for my schedule. I really have to do better with all that. We laid around in bed for quite a while before finally making our way out the Sun Cafe for sushi. He ordered us a "dancing eel roll." It was delicious.
I walked him back to his place, planning on heading home, but he asked me to come back up. I fell asleep with my head on his lap. He didn't want me to go. Finally, after another hour or so of being in bed, I wrested myself away.
Later that night, I had plans to meet up with Hammer. I met her in Union Square. She arrived on her bike. I was smoking in my black hoodie. All very "2005." We walked over to the Gray Dog, a new one that just opened on University. Hammer marveled at its similarity to the one further downtown. We both wondered about the chalk menu boards. I got a sandwich and we sat down to talk. Hammer showed me her recently completed dissertation proposal. I think she has a great project. We chatted and gossiped for a while, and then I got a text from Narc. He was floating around the West village (out for the "obligatory Sunday night martini") and so I told him to come meet us.
When he got there, it was a little awkward. Narc kissed Hammer hello, but the kisses were ill-timed and Hammer did a bit of dodging. She told him about her trip to the Apple store. Hmm... the conversation was not flowing naturally. Hammer decided to take off. Narc checked out some menus at neighboring restaurants while Hammer unlocked her bike. She headed home while Narc and I went over to Saigon Grill.
Narc talked a lot about his friend Laurie. He has a habit of collecting female friends in their late 30's, all of whom are single, pretend to either be or have been models, act like they're in their early 20's and run around the city drinking too much and obsessing over relationships with married, rich bankers. All I have to say about that is "yuck."
We ended up talking about tea, though, and Narc decided that we should try to brew his $50 "King's Tea" that he got in Chinatown. We headed over to M2M to get some tapioca to make the bubbles and he got some Pocari Sweat. Back at his place, it was a cooking experiment with a mediocre result. The tapioca came out much better than last time I made it though, because I mixed some honey in. Then we watched some TV and went to bed.
This morning, before coming over here to my office, I stopped over at Hammer's place to say hi to her and the Alaskan. The Alaskan showed me his mandolin and some really awesome drawings he's working on. Hammer was IM-ing with Sissy and sharing some drama with us about Sissy's friend's fiancee. Yay. It was fun.
And now I am here, waiting for the department secretary to return. It looks like the copy technician behind me may be close to having the machine up and running.
I hate the weather right now. It feels like summer but the sun shadows are behaving like it's the late fall and the evenings are coming too quickly, but are not cold enough. I'm entirely disoriented.
I want to get out of here and go home and take a shower. I have a long night ahead with my meditation meeting and then an anniversary celebration for my friend, M.
Oh-- and if you didn't guess, Brick completely stood me up. I don't know what to say about that except that it fucking sucks, but he is who he is. I'm tired of being disappointed by people. I'm trying really hard not to take it personally.
One last piece of news-- a guy on my soap opera was just arrested for some crazy assault. My favorite part of the article? "He answered the door of his midtown apartment bare-chested, sporting a fresh bruise over his left eye." Ha ha ha ha....
Anyway, that's it for now!
love,
h
Remember when I was anxiously watching Oz and eating strawberries on Saturday night? The anxiety mounted to the point where I popped a Lunesta before bed. That was at about 2:00 AM. Typically, at 3:00 AM my phone rang. It was Narc. I told him I was asleep. He offered to come to my place. I told him I didn't want him to.
"Why? Because it's too messy."
"Um... yeah."
"I don't care."
"Well, I do."
So... I agreed to go to him. I got up and threw on some clothes, forgetting that I had taken the Lunesta which left me slightly disoriented and very dizzy.
Out into the breezy night to catch a cab. I started to climb into the backseat.
"Come sit in the front," the driver beckoned.
In my slightly drugged state, I guess that made sense to me, so I did. What a mistake! As we cruised down the FDR I had to constantly remove his groping hand from my leg and shoulder. I kept telling him not to touch me, yet for some reason, he still thought it was a good idea to ask for my phone number. It was super gross.
When I got to Narc's, I told him I had been molested by the cabbie. Narc was a little toasted, but in a good way. He told me to take my clothes off and we smoked cigarettes by the window. Then, the usual antics ensued. It was a nice night... a top of the line kind of night when it comes to Narc.
The next morning we didn't wake up until the afternoon. So much for my schedule. I really have to do better with all that. We laid around in bed for quite a while before finally making our way out the Sun Cafe for sushi. He ordered us a "dancing eel roll." It was delicious.
I walked him back to his place, planning on heading home, but he asked me to come back up. I fell asleep with my head on his lap. He didn't want me to go. Finally, after another hour or so of being in bed, I wrested myself away.
Later that night, I had plans to meet up with Hammer. I met her in Union Square. She arrived on her bike. I was smoking in my black hoodie. All very "2005." We walked over to the Gray Dog, a new one that just opened on University. Hammer marveled at its similarity to the one further downtown. We both wondered about the chalk menu boards. I got a sandwich and we sat down to talk. Hammer showed me her recently completed dissertation proposal. I think she has a great project. We chatted and gossiped for a while, and then I got a text from Narc. He was floating around the West village (out for the "obligatory Sunday night martini") and so I told him to come meet us.
When he got there, it was a little awkward. Narc kissed Hammer hello, but the kisses were ill-timed and Hammer did a bit of dodging. She told him about her trip to the Apple store. Hmm... the conversation was not flowing naturally. Hammer decided to take off. Narc checked out some menus at neighboring restaurants while Hammer unlocked her bike. She headed home while Narc and I went over to Saigon Grill.
Narc talked a lot about his friend Laurie. He has a habit of collecting female friends in their late 30's, all of whom are single, pretend to either be or have been models, act like they're in their early 20's and run around the city drinking too much and obsessing over relationships with married, rich bankers. All I have to say about that is "yuck."
We ended up talking about tea, though, and Narc decided that we should try to brew his $50 "King's Tea" that he got in Chinatown. We headed over to M2M to get some tapioca to make the bubbles and he got some Pocari Sweat. Back at his place, it was a cooking experiment with a mediocre result. The tapioca came out much better than last time I made it though, because I mixed some honey in. Then we watched some TV and went to bed.
This morning, before coming over here to my office, I stopped over at Hammer's place to say hi to her and the Alaskan. The Alaskan showed me his mandolin and some really awesome drawings he's working on. Hammer was IM-ing with Sissy and sharing some drama with us about Sissy's friend's fiancee. Yay. It was fun.
And now I am here, waiting for the department secretary to return. It looks like the copy technician behind me may be close to having the machine up and running.
I hate the weather right now. It feels like summer but the sun shadows are behaving like it's the late fall and the evenings are coming too quickly, but are not cold enough. I'm entirely disoriented.
I want to get out of here and go home and take a shower. I have a long night ahead with my meditation meeting and then an anniversary celebration for my friend, M.
Oh-- and if you didn't guess, Brick completely stood me up. I don't know what to say about that except that it fucking sucks, but he is who he is. I'm tired of being disappointed by people. I'm trying really hard not to take it personally.
One last piece of news-- a guy on my soap opera was just arrested for some crazy assault. My favorite part of the article? "He answered the door of his midtown apartment bare-chested, sporting a fresh bruise over his left eye." Ha ha ha ha....
Anyway, that's it for now!
love,
h
Saturday, October 20, 2007
To make a long story short...
I keep thinking that I want to write something about this past week, but I'm really not in the mood to write. Even so, a lot went on for me this week... a lot of internal shifting.
I had an awesome spiritual experience on Monday night. The power of prayer surprised me. I have never believed in things like that. I was finally able to cry. And I think I was visited by the Virgin Mary. Well, not literally, perhaps, but it was pretty awesome. So... Monday night restored me to myself and re-contextualized me in the world.
That night I shut off my phone. The next afternoon, I was in the library trying to read some articles in a rush before class when Narc texted me. He was being provocative and wanted my attention. I wasn't in the mood for any of it. I wanted to read. He left me a voice-mail comprised of heavy breathing and his orgasm. It was weird. In any case, I was off to class and then to AA and then to dinner with my friend Jake, so I couldn't deal with any of that until my day was through.
I went over to Narc's later that night. It was a chill night-- no drunkenness and to bed early. On Wednesday we went out for dumplings and bubble tea and walked around Chinatown to re-sell some of his video games. Afterwards we walked up through Soho and poked around Ricky's. I told him about my "spiritual experience." It just felt like we are friends. I haven't heard from him since, though. I kissed him goodbye just below Houston and headed to a voice lesson.
There was a bitchy woman whose lesson came before mine and she wouldn't get out of there, instead eating up the time that I was scheduled for. When I finally got to sing, I realized how little support I have underneath my ribs now that I've lost a considerable amount of weight. It's amazing that size really does make a significant difference in breath support.
On Wednesday night I met up with a (sort of) newcomer- AA friend at the diner in my neighborhood. She had all sorts of scandalous stories about hooking up with people in our home-group. I am grateful that I stay out of all of that and avoid all the gossip. Ick. What a mess!
On Thursday I taught and then headed to therapy. It was a good session. I can't feel anything anymore. I just can't access my feelings, and we got into a little of that. Later that night I went to AA and then out to LashGirl's 1-year anniversary party (and the after-party that went late into the night). I had a fabulous time at both.
On Friday I braved the rain to meet B at school for coffee and catch-up. And then, last night BigSis and I went to a special MAC event at Bloomingdale's and I walked out with a shitload of makeup. After that, I hung out with NDN, eating linguine and clam sauce and watching Ugly Betty.
Today I went out to Long Island for BigSis' niece's birthday party. She just turned seven and invited over a gaggle of girls for a "High School Musical" themed dress-up and karaoke party. Anyone who knows me will tell you that dress up and karaoke are my two favorite activities. I brought a bag full of wigs and boas and feathered fans for the girls and applied makeup and made them beaded crowns. BigSis and LilSis and my cousin Jail were also there helping out with the festivities.
And now I'm home and watching old episodes of Oz on HBO in-demand. I'm a little anxious that I haven't heard from N in days (even though I don't particularly feel like seeing him). I can't help the anxiety. But I am trying to stay clear headed and keep perspective.
Brick is in town this weekend and we made plans to meet up tomorrow morning. I still haven't heard from him though. I'm pretty sure he's going to flake on me and even though I now know it's typical of him, it still feels pretty awful.
Um... so, that's the quickie update of my week. I'd write more, but like I said-- I'm not in the right frame of mind right now, and if I dwell on anything too much, I'm going to start to think crazy thoughts. So, I think it's in my own best interest to get off the computer, eat some strawberries and get back to Oz.
Good night!
love,
h
I had an awesome spiritual experience on Monday night. The power of prayer surprised me. I have never believed in things like that. I was finally able to cry. And I think I was visited by the Virgin Mary. Well, not literally, perhaps, but it was pretty awesome. So... Monday night restored me to myself and re-contextualized me in the world.
That night I shut off my phone. The next afternoon, I was in the library trying to read some articles in a rush before class when Narc texted me. He was being provocative and wanted my attention. I wasn't in the mood for any of it. I wanted to read. He left me a voice-mail comprised of heavy breathing and his orgasm. It was weird. In any case, I was off to class and then to AA and then to dinner with my friend Jake, so I couldn't deal with any of that until my day was through.
I went over to Narc's later that night. It was a chill night-- no drunkenness and to bed early. On Wednesday we went out for dumplings and bubble tea and walked around Chinatown to re-sell some of his video games. Afterwards we walked up through Soho and poked around Ricky's. I told him about my "spiritual experience." It just felt like we are friends. I haven't heard from him since, though. I kissed him goodbye just below Houston and headed to a voice lesson.
There was a bitchy woman whose lesson came before mine and she wouldn't get out of there, instead eating up the time that I was scheduled for. When I finally got to sing, I realized how little support I have underneath my ribs now that I've lost a considerable amount of weight. It's amazing that size really does make a significant difference in breath support.
On Wednesday night I met up with a (sort of) newcomer- AA friend at the diner in my neighborhood. She had all sorts of scandalous stories about hooking up with people in our home-group. I am grateful that I stay out of all of that and avoid all the gossip. Ick. What a mess!
On Thursday I taught and then headed to therapy. It was a good session. I can't feel anything anymore. I just can't access my feelings, and we got into a little of that. Later that night I went to AA and then out to LashGirl's 1-year anniversary party (and the after-party that went late into the night). I had a fabulous time at both.
On Friday I braved the rain to meet B at school for coffee and catch-up. And then, last night BigSis and I went to a special MAC event at Bloomingdale's and I walked out with a shitload of makeup. After that, I hung out with NDN, eating linguine and clam sauce and watching Ugly Betty.
Today I went out to Long Island for BigSis' niece's birthday party. She just turned seven and invited over a gaggle of girls for a "High School Musical" themed dress-up and karaoke party. Anyone who knows me will tell you that dress up and karaoke are my two favorite activities. I brought a bag full of wigs and boas and feathered fans for the girls and applied makeup and made them beaded crowns. BigSis and LilSis and my cousin Jail were also there helping out with the festivities.
And now I'm home and watching old episodes of Oz on HBO in-demand. I'm a little anxious that I haven't heard from N in days (even though I don't particularly feel like seeing him). I can't help the anxiety. But I am trying to stay clear headed and keep perspective.
Brick is in town this weekend and we made plans to meet up tomorrow morning. I still haven't heard from him though. I'm pretty sure he's going to flake on me and even though I now know it's typical of him, it still feels pretty awful.
Um... so, that's the quickie update of my week. I'd write more, but like I said-- I'm not in the right frame of mind right now, and if I dwell on anything too much, I'm going to start to think crazy thoughts. So, I think it's in my own best interest to get off the computer, eat some strawberries and get back to Oz.
Good night!
love,
h
Friday, October 19, 2007
Just in...
I'm just in from a really awesome night out. A friend of mine was celebrating her one-year (I can't remember if I've given her a "blog name" yet), and afterwards, we went to a house party and I got to know better some really cool people. I just love alcoholics. They fucking rock.
Anyway, I want to try to get some sleep before 4:00 AM so I can actually have a quasi-productive day tomorrow. And a longer post is forthcoming about some of the internal changes that I've been processing this week...
I just hope that everyone else out there is feeling as much hope as I am at this moment...
love,
h
Anyway, I want to try to get some sleep before 4:00 AM so I can actually have a quasi-productive day tomorrow. And a longer post is forthcoming about some of the internal changes that I've been processing this week...
I just hope that everyone else out there is feeling as much hope as I am at this moment...
love,
h
Monday, October 15, 2007
In Discord
I am so emotionally exhausted right now, that I'm not even sure what to write. Thursday night with Narc was bad... like I said... spiritually, verbally and physically abusive and I didn't leave and I didn't get mad and I didn't cry or get sad. I didn't do anything except have sex with him like he wanted to. It's like I become a robot. I have no access to my feelings with him. I was floating and numb and betraying myself and it was strange and awful. I could never treat anyone else as badly as I treat myself.
The next morning I nudged him awake and told him that we "needed to talk."
"About what?"
"About what happened last night. Do you remember?"
"Of course!" he said.
I wasn't sure whether to believe him, so I repeated everything that had happened, every name he had called me... everything. He seemed annoyed and told me that I was making a big deal out of nothing. I told him that it hurt me.
"What do you want from me?" he asked.
"I want you to just hear what I'm saying and take it in somewhere," I said.
"Fine. Done."
Of course, I still didn't get up and didn't leave and ended up having even more sex with him, but that's just because I am a robot.
Later, when I was getting set to leave his place, I tried to remind him.
"Don't forget what we talked about," I said.
"What did we talk about?" he asked, innocently.
"Narc," I sighed. "This is just not working for me. It's not working as it is."
"Okay, hon," he said, leaning in to give me a hug. "I'm sure we'll figure something out."
I couldn't reattach my head to the rest of my body for at least another day after that. I floated my way through therapy and afterwards called a friend from AA.
"Just re-set right now," she said. "Come to a meeting tonight, hang out afterwards... within 24 hours you can be aligned again where you need to be."
I agreed and went to my home group's Friday night meeting (which I don't usually attend since it's on the Upper West Side.)
I'm glad that I did. I felt like I was falling, but falling into a safety net.
Afterwards, Cherubino and I went to Starbucks and talked for a long, long time. There is a lot of good that came out of that conversation for me, but I'm too numb right now to get into it.
And after that, I met up with Pixie and we walked across the city, all the way back to my neighborhood and then to a park bench where we shivered and chatted. I was glad to be able to help her with some romantic troubles of her own. It made me feel useful and helped me to get out of my own head.
On Saturday I slept in. I think I needed it. I relaxed at home by myself for most of the afternoon, just trying to regroup. Narc sent me a text in the afternoon.
How's your day going so far? he asked.
It's fine. How's yours? I replied.
He said that he was home curled up on his couch being depressed. I take it he had gone out binge drinking for the third night in a row and was feeling it. I told him I was feeling depressed too.
Sending positive thoughts your way! he wrote.
I think that's as much of a spontaneous apology as I can ever hope to get from him.
Later on in the afternoon, we both ended up on the computer and saw each other online.
Here is our conversation:
4:27 PM
Hyde:
ha ha... are you actually online? Feeling any better?
Narc:
Still alive...
Barely!
Just got up from couch to walk into my bedroom, and definitely felt very weak
Ugh...
No more drinks for a while for this one!
Hyde:
were you out again last night?
Narc:
Indeed
Like the third night in a row
Hyde:
hmmm...
Narc:
Figured I was safe by avoiding James
Hyde:
maybe you need to avoid yourself
Narc:
But Laurie is equally a partner in crime!
Indeed
So will have to tell them both to take it down a notch, for sure
(sigh)
Hyde:
yeah, it's no good...
I'm worried a little about you
Narc:
Me too
Hyde:
But it's in your control
Narc:
Need to get my life together
I know
Do my writing, make some money somehow
(sigh)
Hyde:
You always say that
Narc:
I know!!
Hyde:
So, what are you doing about it today?
Narc:
Just recovering today
Hyde:
And tonight?
Narc:
Want to get out for a little bit
But just feel so weak...
Hyde:
You were breathing really hard on Thursday night.
Narc:
May see ModelChick and/or James tonight
But NO drinks!!
Yes, some days are better than others
With the breathing
Sometimes I'm fine, other times, really out of breath
Hyde:
Aren't you worried that you will be sick again?
Narc:
You mean, another blood clot?
Hyde:
yeah
Narc:
God I hope not
Hyde:
That's what scared me about the breathing
Narc:
Well I do have this filter in place
Hyde:
Being out of shape is one thing, but wheezing and blood clots are another
Narc:
So technically, if another clot were to happen, the filter should catch it
Hyde:
even if you're smoking and doing drugs and alcohol? Really?
It's just scary, that's all...
Narc:
Yeah, I know...
Well I'm only smoking a few cigs a week
But still, alcohol does thicken the blood
Which is the opposite of what I want!
Hyde:
I guess you can manage your health on your own, but Thursday scared me... you were messed up when you called me early that morning and then you were REALLY messed up that night and couldn't breathe well...
It's hard to watch b/c I am a worrier
Narc:
I know
But I am a survivor!!
(grin)
Hyde:
so far...
Narc:
At least, so far
Hyde:
exactly
Well, let's not be so morbid...
Narc:
Ugh...
Who knows, maybe I'll find my way into AA soon enough!
Hyde:
Who knows... It's turning my life around. I have nothing bad to say about it...
But you have to want it, I guess
Narc:
I don't want to never drink again, though
I just want to drink less
Hyde:
Nobody in AA can make you drink or not drink...
It's up to you. It's just a different perspective
Narc:
And it seems like every time I go out now, it ends up being yet another late one
Hyde:
That's what was happening to me.
Narc:
Where are all my responsible friends!!
Hyde:
I couldn't manage it. I kept saying it wouldn't happen and then it did
Narc:
Yeah, indeed
Hyde:
You have to be responsible for yourself, n'est pas?
Narc:
True true
Hyde:
If you don't want it, don't drink that night
Narc:
Well I never PLAN on staying out late
It just kinda--happens...
(sigh)
Hyde:
That's what kept happening to me. That's why I don't drink at all. For me, I feel like if I start, I have no clue where the night will end
Narc:
Man, this is depressing!
Hyde:
Yeah, but it doesn't have to be. My life is better, not worse now
I thought it would suck, but it doesn't.
Narc:
Seems like it
Hyde:
It just clears space for everything else
Narc:
I'm just not being a very good person lately
If I ever was!
Hyde:
why do you say that?
Narc:
I don't know...
Just been really, really depressed lately
Hyde:
that makes you a bad person?
Narc:
I should be doing better
I can't even update my blog!!
(grin)
Hyde:
I wish you could see how much is in your control, even if it feels like it's not. I have 100% faith that you can turn things around if you take the actions you need to.
The actions are unpleasant though.
It means changing a lot about your life.
Narc:
Well again, I don't want to never drink again...
I just can't do this "three nights in a row" thing
My body is paying the price
As I sit here trying to recover...
Too weak to go out, yet too anxious to sleep or rest
Worst feeling
Hyde:
I remember that feeling
I get like that when I'm depressed still
Narc:
Yeah, it's no fun
Hyde:
It helps me to be around nurturing people though... That's what I did last night and it really helped.
Narc:
So will have to make some changes
Oh?
Hyde:
Friends who really have my best interest at heart
I don't think any of us can do this thing... life... without support.
Narc:
Sounds nice
Hyde:
It is tough
Narc:
I may need to start seeing my therapist again
Just to talk out some of my issues, I suppose...
Hyde:
That might be a good idea.
I don't know... I just felt so disconnected before
sometimes I still do.
Narc:
Yes, I feel numb all the time now
"Disconnected" is a good way of putting it
Hyde:
It's spiritual sickness.
Narc:
Yes, it's called "life"!
Seems like almost all of it qualifies as spiritual sickness
Hyde:
Well, life can be beautiful and connected too...
The sickness is my perception
Narc:
That would be nice
Hyde:
A friend of mine is always telling me to be an "action hero"
Nothing changes if nothing changes
Narc:
Like the Arnold movie!
all that kind of stuff
Yes
Hyde:
yeah... But even reading one article for my paper or getting myself to call a friend to ask how they're doing and get out of my own head
Narc:
Well it seems like you're on your way
Hyde:
now I feel like an action hero doing those things.
Who knows...
Narc:
A year from now all of your incompletes will be done!
Hyde:
I just want you to be happy, narc.
Narc:
Then you shall be on top
Hyde:
It frustrates me that I can't wave a magic wand
Narc:
If only we had the wand!
I would wave it and make everyone happy if I could
Hyde:
I guess we just all have to take responsibility for ourselves without the wand to speed things up
Narc:
Yes
Still, I don't know why I'm so depressed all the time
Or why any of us are
Something about this city, maybe
Hyde:
I don't think it's the city. I think it's that disconnect from the universe and other people and the obsession with self
Narc:
Which NYC does seem to foster!
Hyde:
I think the suburbs are worse
Narc:
Which reminds me, my friend S is moving here in a few days...
Wonder how she'll take to it
Hyde:
we shall see...
Narc:
Yes, suburban living really would kill me!
Hyde:
At least in the city, there are tons of people to connect to if you choose to
Narc:
Indeed
It would just be nice if it didn't have to involve drinking all the time!
Hyde:
It doesn't!!
Hello... I haven't had a drink in a year and a half
Narc:
It's tougher, though
Geez, and the thing is, I don't even really enjoy it!
I'm just drinking because everyone else is
Hyde:
Not really... it's easier to connect your true self when you meet people sober. Many of the people I met drunk didn't know the real me at all
And i suddenly had multiple "acts" going on...
Narc:
Yeah...
Funny how that works
Hyde:
What would happen that's so awful if you tried laying off drinking for a while if it's knocking you out like this?
Narc:
Well it would be tougher hanging out with James and Laurie
That's about it
Hyde:
if you don't like it, you can always drink again whenever you want
Narc:
True
Hyde:
But if James and Laurie are your friends, they'll hang out with you in other contexts too
Narc:
Yes, surely
Hyde:
All I know is that it made my life better.
That's the only place I can speak from on it...
Narc:
Hmm
Well perhaps I will debate taking a break from drinking entirely
Since the "I'll only have one or two" thing isn't working
Hyde:
I can't imagine that working... You are a drinker. Remember your "drinking club" concept?
Narc:
Which one?
You mean "The Fitzgerald"?
Hyde:
No... You said that there were certain people who were "drinkers" and you were naming them into a club
Was a long time ago... just a random conversation
Narc:
(grin)
Don't remember that one
Hyde:
yeah, well you and I were both members
Narc:
But perhaps I shall have to keep myself out of that one!
Just to be safe
I will start a Diet Coke drinking club instead
Hyde:
I just think that if your life isn't working for you as it is, you should reassess and try something different
Yay. I can join that one now!
Back on carbonated...
Narc:
Woohoo!!
Red Bull even?
Hyde:
I don't think I can chug red bull at the rate to join a club anymore
I have to limit my caffeine
But once upon a time...
Narc:
Oh yes, back in the day...!
Mmm... Red Bull...
I could go for one of those right now, actually
Haven't eaten anything all day
Hyde:
It's so weird, what I've done to my body this year... gone off booze, caffeine, drugs... gained 40 pounds and then lost 50
I think my body is freaked out.
You should go eat! That's probably why you're feeling so low energy
Narc:
Well it must be healing now!
Too weak to leave the apartment
Hyde:
seamlessweb??
Narc:
Yeah, I'll have something delivered
Hyde:
I will be down in Union Square later if you want to get coffee or something...
Narc:
I just hope I feel a bit better soon, so I can get out for a little while
Well I might see a movie with ModelChick and/or James
Hyde:
What are you seeing?
Narc:
Not sure where though
ModelChick wants to see "Darjeeling Limited", which is at Union Square
I wanted to see "Sleuth" instead, though
Will see
Well give a text later, if you're downtown...
Hyde:
What is "sleuth"?
Narc:
New Jude Law / Michael Caine movie
Remake
Probably just OK, not great
Hyde:
I want to see that cop movie
Narc:
Oh?
Which one?
Hyde:
The one with Joaquin Phoenix and Mark Wahlberg
Narc:
Oh, right
Hyde:
did you see it?
Narc:
No, but heard bad things, alas
Hyde:
Oh no... :(
Narc:
Was invited to the premiere with Steve
But didn't go
Go see "Lust Caution" instead!!
Hyde:
I want to, but I have no one to go with. B loves Ang Lee but won't go with me. He said he's only in the mood for "light-hearted."
Narc:
Hmm
Light-hearted it is not!
Hyde:
I'll have to ask around more aggressively, I guess... find someone...
Maybe I'll drag Bezoukhoff.
Narc:
Sure you can find someone to go with!
Hyde:
He even watched my soap with me... and cooked me dinner
was nice
Narc:
Wow!
Hyde:
ha ha
Narc:
Most impressive
Hyde:
I feel bad... But he likes being "chivalrous" as he puts it
I guess it's not so bad to let myself be treated well by someone
Narc:
The worshipee becomes the worshipped!!
Hyde:
It's good practice for me
Narc:
Indeed
Well hon I'm going to try and get some food in me
Feeling so weak...
Ugh
Hyde:
ok. Hope it helps. Please, please, PLEASE take care of yourself.
Narc:
I will try
Promise!
Hyde:
And give some thought to switching things up a bit
have fun at the movies
Narc:
I am, believe me
If I even make the movies!!
May just stay in tonight, if I'm feeling this bad
Hyde:
k. Well, text later if you feel like it. I've got to run to a meeting myself. My sponsor is speaking tonight.
Narc:
K
Give you a text later then
Ciao for now!
Hyde:
bye
Anyway, after that I sped out of the house in time to get to the Union Square meeting. Cherubino was qualifying and I hadn't heard her before. She was great and it felt good to be there. Even though it was a new meeting, I knew at least six or seven people in the room. Afterwards, I went out to the diner with Cherubino and two others. Then Cherubino and I set off for a stroll around the Union Square. She bought a printer, we walked into the East Village, and then she headed home. I went to get myself some bubble tea and called Pixie. She was out in the West Village with a bunch of other AA friends. Even though I was tired, I told her I would stop by.
I met them all at the park accross from Magnolia. Some of them were off to a comedy club to celebrate someone's 1-year. I walked them over there, chatting with Pixie en route, but decided not to join them for the show. I just wanted to go home, so that's what I did.
Back at my place, I was flopped on my bed watching TV when Narc called.
"Are you feeling any better?" I asked.
"Sort of. Never made it to the movie. Went to Mary Ann's with James and only managed to eat one shrimp."
"Well, I guess it's better that you're taking it easy tonight," I said. "Your body is trying to tell you something."
He asked if I wanted to come over. I hesitated.
"If you don't want to, that's fine," he said. "I mean-- I'd come up to you if I weren't feeling so sick."
"It's not that, Narc," I began. "It's just that... well, I'm still feeling weird about what happened on Thursday night."
"What happened Thursday night?"
"When you were so mean to me..."
This conversation was REALLY awkward.
"I was probably just angry about something else, Hyde... depressed. To be honest, I don't even remember anything like that."
"Well, it was mean," I said. "And I told you it hurt my feelings and you didn't care. I guess I'm just feeling weird. In the past when these sort of things would happen between us, I was drunk too. So... the next day, if we 'scrapped it,' it made sense. But now I'm sober, I was there. I remember, even if you don't. If I don't say anything to you about it, it's like denying my reality or something... it feels weird. I guess I just need to be able to say this to you."
"Well, of course you can say whatever you need to say to me."
"Is that an apology?" I asked, hesitantly.
"Of course I'm sorry!" he laughed. "Did I not say that? I mean, I obviously didn't mean any of those things-- whatever I did or said."
"It was just hard to be there."
"Yeah, well I guess I have to lay off the booze for a few nights."
"Probably a good idea."
"So... do you want to come down?"
"Um... yeah, sure. Give me half an hour."
And then I went. I'm not sure why. I know I shouldn't have because I need to recover and gain some clarity... but I did.
We watched some TV. It was cold in his apartment. Most buildings haven't turned on the heat yet, but the nights are getting chilly. I smoked a cigarette out the window. He was on the couch huddled under a blanket. We got into bed early. He pulled me in close. I felt good, but there was something misaligned in me... something twisting in the pit of my stomach. I am out of sync with the universe right now. I am in complete discord.
Narc kept waking me up in the middle of the night with bad dreams. I hardly remember what they were about because I was half asleep as he was telling me. In one of them, though, he was being raped. I wasn't sure what to say. I was paranoid that my freezing hands would make him cold.
The next morning I got up at 9:00 to get dressed for my cousin's baptism. I was in the bathroom applying my makeup when he came in. I was surprised he got up. He took a shower and fogged up the mirrors. I finished getting ready.
"I just couldn't sleep anymore," he said.
My mom picked me up on Long Island. Narc sent me a text-- something about finally gettinig out of the house and eating French onion soup, which was "hitting the spot." I wrote back that I was in the car with my mom listening to her Spanish tapes.
The baptism was boring. I hate to say it, because I usually like church, but you couldn't understand a thing the Priest was saying and there were restless kids racing around everywhere. The best part for me was a beautiful shrine to St. Lucy, who, as you all know, is my favorite saint. After the service we headed over to an Italian place for "the meal." My stepfather's family is a mega-Italian family and this was to be a mega-Italian meal.
We got to the restaurant at around 1:30 and they were serving appetizer courses, one at a time until 4:30 when I had to leave. I didn't even get to see the pasta or the main dish. It was the longest most spaced out meal I have ever endured. I had to get to AA, though, so my mom agreed to drive me to the train.
It was a good meeting last night. The speaker was charismatic and funny and she said exactly what I needed to hear. I wish they made a tape of our Sunday night meetings because I'd love to listen to it again.
Today I'm heading to the library to do some work and then meeting B for coffee and then meeting Leseco's sponsee for some coffee and then going to my meditation meeting. Overall, not a bad day, but I'm feeling behind in my work and stressed out about it. I'm also feeling raw... raw, hurt and in discord, and very, very tired.
Cherubino asked me when it was that I last cried. At first, I could only remember crying last December. Then, thankfully, I remembered an episode of tears this past April. Even so, it's scary, because I used to cry maybe 5 times a week. I was a "crier." I always have been. Why can't I access my heart anymore? Why can't I live my feelings? Why am I such a robot? I think that if I can connect to my feelings, I won't be able to let Narc treat me the way he did on Thursday night. But things have already been restored to "normal." I may have lost the window on this "episode."
Anyway, that's it for now. Hope you all had a great weekend.
Lots of love,
h
The next morning I nudged him awake and told him that we "needed to talk."
"About what?"
"About what happened last night. Do you remember?"
"Of course!" he said.
I wasn't sure whether to believe him, so I repeated everything that had happened, every name he had called me... everything. He seemed annoyed and told me that I was making a big deal out of nothing. I told him that it hurt me.
"What do you want from me?" he asked.
"I want you to just hear what I'm saying and take it in somewhere," I said.
"Fine. Done."
Of course, I still didn't get up and didn't leave and ended up having even more sex with him, but that's just because I am a robot.
Later, when I was getting set to leave his place, I tried to remind him.
"Don't forget what we talked about," I said.
"What did we talk about?" he asked, innocently.
"Narc," I sighed. "This is just not working for me. It's not working as it is."
"Okay, hon," he said, leaning in to give me a hug. "I'm sure we'll figure something out."
I couldn't reattach my head to the rest of my body for at least another day after that. I floated my way through therapy and afterwards called a friend from AA.
"Just re-set right now," she said. "Come to a meeting tonight, hang out afterwards... within 24 hours you can be aligned again where you need to be."
I agreed and went to my home group's Friday night meeting (which I don't usually attend since it's on the Upper West Side.)
I'm glad that I did. I felt like I was falling, but falling into a safety net.
Afterwards, Cherubino and I went to Starbucks and talked for a long, long time. There is a lot of good that came out of that conversation for me, but I'm too numb right now to get into it.
And after that, I met up with Pixie and we walked across the city, all the way back to my neighborhood and then to a park bench where we shivered and chatted. I was glad to be able to help her with some romantic troubles of her own. It made me feel useful and helped me to get out of my own head.
On Saturday I slept in. I think I needed it. I relaxed at home by myself for most of the afternoon, just trying to regroup. Narc sent me a text in the afternoon.
How's your day going so far? he asked.
It's fine. How's yours? I replied.
He said that he was home curled up on his couch being depressed. I take it he had gone out binge drinking for the third night in a row and was feeling it. I told him I was feeling depressed too.
Sending positive thoughts your way! he wrote.
I think that's as much of a spontaneous apology as I can ever hope to get from him.
Later on in the afternoon, we both ended up on the computer and saw each other online.
Here is our conversation:
4:27 PM
Hyde:
ha ha... are you actually online? Feeling any better?
Narc:
Still alive...
Barely!
Just got up from couch to walk into my bedroom, and definitely felt very weak
Ugh...
No more drinks for a while for this one!
Hyde:
were you out again last night?
Narc:
Indeed
Like the third night in a row
Hyde:
hmmm...
Narc:
Figured I was safe by avoiding James
Hyde:
maybe you need to avoid yourself
Narc:
But Laurie is equally a partner in crime!
Indeed
So will have to tell them both to take it down a notch, for sure
(sigh)
Hyde:
yeah, it's no good...
I'm worried a little about you
Narc:
Me too
Hyde:
But it's in your control
Narc:
Need to get my life together
I know
Do my writing, make some money somehow
(sigh)
Hyde:
You always say that
Narc:
I know!!
Hyde:
So, what are you doing about it today?
Narc:
Just recovering today
Hyde:
And tonight?
Narc:
Want to get out for a little bit
But just feel so weak...
Hyde:
You were breathing really hard on Thursday night.
Narc:
May see ModelChick and/or James tonight
But NO drinks!!
Yes, some days are better than others
With the breathing
Sometimes I'm fine, other times, really out of breath
Hyde:
Aren't you worried that you will be sick again?
Narc:
You mean, another blood clot?
Hyde:
yeah
Narc:
God I hope not
Hyde:
That's what scared me about the breathing
Narc:
Well I do have this filter in place
Hyde:
Being out of shape is one thing, but wheezing and blood clots are another
Narc:
So technically, if another clot were to happen, the filter should catch it
Hyde:
even if you're smoking and doing drugs and alcohol? Really?
It's just scary, that's all...
Narc:
Yeah, I know...
Well I'm only smoking a few cigs a week
But still, alcohol does thicken the blood
Which is the opposite of what I want!
Hyde:
I guess you can manage your health on your own, but Thursday scared me... you were messed up when you called me early that morning and then you were REALLY messed up that night and couldn't breathe well...
It's hard to watch b/c I am a worrier
Narc:
I know
But I am a survivor!!
(grin)
Hyde:
so far...
Narc:
At least, so far
Hyde:
exactly
Well, let's not be so morbid...
Narc:
Ugh...
Who knows, maybe I'll find my way into AA soon enough!
Hyde:
Who knows... It's turning my life around. I have nothing bad to say about it...
But you have to want it, I guess
Narc:
I don't want to never drink again, though
I just want to drink less
Hyde:
Nobody in AA can make you drink or not drink...
It's up to you. It's just a different perspective
Narc:
And it seems like every time I go out now, it ends up being yet another late one
Hyde:
That's what was happening to me.
Narc:
Where are all my responsible friends!!
Hyde:
I couldn't manage it. I kept saying it wouldn't happen and then it did
Narc:
Yeah, indeed
Hyde:
You have to be responsible for yourself, n'est pas?
Narc:
True true
Hyde:
If you don't want it, don't drink that night
Narc:
Well I never PLAN on staying out late
It just kinda--happens...
(sigh)
Hyde:
That's what kept happening to me. That's why I don't drink at all. For me, I feel like if I start, I have no clue where the night will end
Narc:
Man, this is depressing!
Hyde:
Yeah, but it doesn't have to be. My life is better, not worse now
I thought it would suck, but it doesn't.
Narc:
Seems like it
Hyde:
It just clears space for everything else
Narc:
I'm just not being a very good person lately
If I ever was!
Hyde:
why do you say that?
Narc:
I don't know...
Just been really, really depressed lately
Hyde:
that makes you a bad person?
Narc:
I should be doing better
I can't even update my blog!!
(grin)
Hyde:
I wish you could see how much is in your control, even if it feels like it's not. I have 100% faith that you can turn things around if you take the actions you need to.
The actions are unpleasant though.
It means changing a lot about your life.
Narc:
Well again, I don't want to never drink again...
I just can't do this "three nights in a row" thing
My body is paying the price
As I sit here trying to recover...
Too weak to go out, yet too anxious to sleep or rest
Worst feeling
Hyde:
I remember that feeling
I get like that when I'm depressed still
Narc:
Yeah, it's no fun
Hyde:
It helps me to be around nurturing people though... That's what I did last night and it really helped.
Narc:
So will have to make some changes
Oh?
Hyde:
Friends who really have my best interest at heart
I don't think any of us can do this thing... life... without support.
Narc:
Sounds nice
Hyde:
It is tough
Narc:
I may need to start seeing my therapist again
Just to talk out some of my issues, I suppose...
Hyde:
That might be a good idea.
I don't know... I just felt so disconnected before
sometimes I still do.
Narc:
Yes, I feel numb all the time now
"Disconnected" is a good way of putting it
Hyde:
It's spiritual sickness.
Narc:
Yes, it's called "life"!
Seems like almost all of it qualifies as spiritual sickness
Hyde:
Well, life can be beautiful and connected too...
The sickness is my perception
Narc:
That would be nice
Hyde:
A friend of mine is always telling me to be an "action hero"
Nothing changes if nothing changes
Narc:
Like the Arnold movie!
all that kind of stuff
Yes
Hyde:
yeah... But even reading one article for my paper or getting myself to call a friend to ask how they're doing and get out of my own head
Narc:
Well it seems like you're on your way
Hyde:
now I feel like an action hero doing those things.
Who knows...
Narc:
A year from now all of your incompletes will be done!
Hyde:
I just want you to be happy, narc.
Narc:
Then you shall be on top
Hyde:
It frustrates me that I can't wave a magic wand
Narc:
If only we had the wand!
I would wave it and make everyone happy if I could
Hyde:
I guess we just all have to take responsibility for ourselves without the wand to speed things up
Narc:
Yes
Still, I don't know why I'm so depressed all the time
Or why any of us are
Something about this city, maybe
Hyde:
I don't think it's the city. I think it's that disconnect from the universe and other people and the obsession with self
Narc:
Which NYC does seem to foster!
Hyde:
I think the suburbs are worse
Narc:
Which reminds me, my friend S is moving here in a few days...
Wonder how she'll take to it
Hyde:
we shall see...
Narc:
Yes, suburban living really would kill me!
Hyde:
At least in the city, there are tons of people to connect to if you choose to
Narc:
Indeed
It would just be nice if it didn't have to involve drinking all the time!
Hyde:
It doesn't!!
Hello... I haven't had a drink in a year and a half
Narc:
It's tougher, though
Geez, and the thing is, I don't even really enjoy it!
I'm just drinking because everyone else is
Hyde:
Not really... it's easier to connect your true self when you meet people sober. Many of the people I met drunk didn't know the real me at all
And i suddenly had multiple "acts" going on...
Narc:
Yeah...
Funny how that works
Hyde:
What would happen that's so awful if you tried laying off drinking for a while if it's knocking you out like this?
Narc:
Well it would be tougher hanging out with James and Laurie
That's about it
Hyde:
if you don't like it, you can always drink again whenever you want
Narc:
True
Hyde:
But if James and Laurie are your friends, they'll hang out with you in other contexts too
Narc:
Yes, surely
Hyde:
All I know is that it made my life better.
That's the only place I can speak from on it...
Narc:
Hmm
Well perhaps I will debate taking a break from drinking entirely
Since the "I'll only have one or two" thing isn't working
Hyde:
I can't imagine that working... You are a drinker. Remember your "drinking club" concept?
Narc:
Which one?
You mean "The Fitzgerald"?
Hyde:
No... You said that there were certain people who were "drinkers" and you were naming them into a club
Was a long time ago... just a random conversation
Narc:
(grin)
Don't remember that one
Hyde:
yeah, well you and I were both members
Narc:
But perhaps I shall have to keep myself out of that one!
Just to be safe
I will start a Diet Coke drinking club instead
Hyde:
I just think that if your life isn't working for you as it is, you should reassess and try something different
Yay. I can join that one now!
Back on carbonated...
Narc:
Woohoo!!
Red Bull even?
Hyde:
I don't think I can chug red bull at the rate to join a club anymore
I have to limit my caffeine
But once upon a time...
Narc:
Oh yes, back in the day...!
Mmm... Red Bull...
I could go for one of those right now, actually
Haven't eaten anything all day
Hyde:
It's so weird, what I've done to my body this year... gone off booze, caffeine, drugs... gained 40 pounds and then lost 50
I think my body is freaked out.
You should go eat! That's probably why you're feeling so low energy
Narc:
Well it must be healing now!
Too weak to leave the apartment
Hyde:
seamlessweb??
Narc:
Yeah, I'll have something delivered
Hyde:
I will be down in Union Square later if you want to get coffee or something...
Narc:
I just hope I feel a bit better soon, so I can get out for a little while
Well I might see a movie with ModelChick and/or James
Hyde:
What are you seeing?
Narc:
Not sure where though
ModelChick wants to see "Darjeeling Limited", which is at Union Square
I wanted to see "Sleuth" instead, though
Will see
Well give a text later, if you're downtown...
Hyde:
What is "sleuth"?
Narc:
New Jude Law / Michael Caine movie
Remake
Probably just OK, not great
Hyde:
I want to see that cop movie
Narc:
Oh?
Which one?
Hyde:
The one with Joaquin Phoenix and Mark Wahlberg
Narc:
Oh, right
Hyde:
did you see it?
Narc:
No, but heard bad things, alas
Hyde:
Oh no... :(
Narc:
Was invited to the premiere with Steve
But didn't go
Go see "Lust Caution" instead!!
Hyde:
I want to, but I have no one to go with. B loves Ang Lee but won't go with me. He said he's only in the mood for "light-hearted."
Narc:
Hmm
Light-hearted it is not!
Hyde:
I'll have to ask around more aggressively, I guess... find someone...
Maybe I'll drag Bezoukhoff.
Narc:
Sure you can find someone to go with!
Hyde:
He even watched my soap with me... and cooked me dinner
was nice
Narc:
Wow!
Hyde:
ha ha
Narc:
Most impressive
Hyde:
I feel bad... But he likes being "chivalrous" as he puts it
I guess it's not so bad to let myself be treated well by someone
Narc:
The worshipee becomes the worshipped!!
Hyde:
It's good practice for me
Narc:
Indeed
Well hon I'm going to try and get some food in me
Feeling so weak...
Ugh
Hyde:
ok. Hope it helps. Please, please, PLEASE take care of yourself.
Narc:
I will try
Promise!
Hyde:
And give some thought to switching things up a bit
have fun at the movies
Narc:
I am, believe me
If I even make the movies!!
May just stay in tonight, if I'm feeling this bad
Hyde:
k. Well, text later if you feel like it. I've got to run to a meeting myself. My sponsor is speaking tonight.
Narc:
K
Give you a text later then
Ciao for now!
Hyde:
bye
Anyway, after that I sped out of the house in time to get to the Union Square meeting. Cherubino was qualifying and I hadn't heard her before. She was great and it felt good to be there. Even though it was a new meeting, I knew at least six or seven people in the room. Afterwards, I went out to the diner with Cherubino and two others. Then Cherubino and I set off for a stroll around the Union Square. She bought a printer, we walked into the East Village, and then she headed home. I went to get myself some bubble tea and called Pixie. She was out in the West Village with a bunch of other AA friends. Even though I was tired, I told her I would stop by.
I met them all at the park accross from Magnolia. Some of them were off to a comedy club to celebrate someone's 1-year. I walked them over there, chatting with Pixie en route, but decided not to join them for the show. I just wanted to go home, so that's what I did.
Back at my place, I was flopped on my bed watching TV when Narc called.
"Are you feeling any better?" I asked.
"Sort of. Never made it to the movie. Went to Mary Ann's with James and only managed to eat one shrimp."
"Well, I guess it's better that you're taking it easy tonight," I said. "Your body is trying to tell you something."
He asked if I wanted to come over. I hesitated.
"If you don't want to, that's fine," he said. "I mean-- I'd come up to you if I weren't feeling so sick."
"It's not that, Narc," I began. "It's just that... well, I'm still feeling weird about what happened on Thursday night."
"What happened Thursday night?"
"When you were so mean to me..."
This conversation was REALLY awkward.
"I was probably just angry about something else, Hyde... depressed. To be honest, I don't even remember anything like that."
"Well, it was mean," I said. "And I told you it hurt my feelings and you didn't care. I guess I'm just feeling weird. In the past when these sort of things would happen between us, I was drunk too. So... the next day, if we 'scrapped it,' it made sense. But now I'm sober, I was there. I remember, even if you don't. If I don't say anything to you about it, it's like denying my reality or something... it feels weird. I guess I just need to be able to say this to you."
"Well, of course you can say whatever you need to say to me."
"Is that an apology?" I asked, hesitantly.
"Of course I'm sorry!" he laughed. "Did I not say that? I mean, I obviously didn't mean any of those things-- whatever I did or said."
"It was just hard to be there."
"Yeah, well I guess I have to lay off the booze for a few nights."
"Probably a good idea."
"So... do you want to come down?"
"Um... yeah, sure. Give me half an hour."
And then I went. I'm not sure why. I know I shouldn't have because I need to recover and gain some clarity... but I did.
We watched some TV. It was cold in his apartment. Most buildings haven't turned on the heat yet, but the nights are getting chilly. I smoked a cigarette out the window. He was on the couch huddled under a blanket. We got into bed early. He pulled me in close. I felt good, but there was something misaligned in me... something twisting in the pit of my stomach. I am out of sync with the universe right now. I am in complete discord.
Narc kept waking me up in the middle of the night with bad dreams. I hardly remember what they were about because I was half asleep as he was telling me. In one of them, though, he was being raped. I wasn't sure what to say. I was paranoid that my freezing hands would make him cold.
The next morning I got up at 9:00 to get dressed for my cousin's baptism. I was in the bathroom applying my makeup when he came in. I was surprised he got up. He took a shower and fogged up the mirrors. I finished getting ready.
"I just couldn't sleep anymore," he said.
My mom picked me up on Long Island. Narc sent me a text-- something about finally gettinig out of the house and eating French onion soup, which was "hitting the spot." I wrote back that I was in the car with my mom listening to her Spanish tapes.
The baptism was boring. I hate to say it, because I usually like church, but you couldn't understand a thing the Priest was saying and there were restless kids racing around everywhere. The best part for me was a beautiful shrine to St. Lucy, who, as you all know, is my favorite saint. After the service we headed over to an Italian place for "the meal." My stepfather's family is a mega-Italian family and this was to be a mega-Italian meal.
We got to the restaurant at around 1:30 and they were serving appetizer courses, one at a time until 4:30 when I had to leave. I didn't even get to see the pasta or the main dish. It was the longest most spaced out meal I have ever endured. I had to get to AA, though, so my mom agreed to drive me to the train.
It was a good meeting last night. The speaker was charismatic and funny and she said exactly what I needed to hear. I wish they made a tape of our Sunday night meetings because I'd love to listen to it again.
Today I'm heading to the library to do some work and then meeting B for coffee and then meeting Leseco's sponsee for some coffee and then going to my meditation meeting. Overall, not a bad day, but I'm feeling behind in my work and stressed out about it. I'm also feeling raw... raw, hurt and in discord, and very, very tired.
Cherubino asked me when it was that I last cried. At first, I could only remember crying last December. Then, thankfully, I remembered an episode of tears this past April. Even so, it's scary, because I used to cry maybe 5 times a week. I was a "crier." I always have been. Why can't I access my heart anymore? Why can't I live my feelings? Why am I such a robot? I think that if I can connect to my feelings, I won't be able to let Narc treat me the way he did on Thursday night. But things have already been restored to "normal." I may have lost the window on this "episode."
Anyway, that's it for now. Hope you all had a great weekend.
Lots of love,
h
Friday, October 12, 2007
I did it again...
Last night was a fucking mess. A complete and utter mess. I think I can manage things with Narc when I simply can't. I'm tired now. Spent the afternoon with BigSis and the evening at AA and then talking to Cherubino and then walking and talking with Pixie for quite some time. I don't have it in me to do it again here. But I seriously need to fix the way that I'm handling all of this.
Fuck, fuck fuck.... A MESS!
I'm going to try to hit two meetings tomorrow. I need help.
love,
h
Fuck, fuck fuck.... A MESS!
I'm going to try to hit two meetings tomorrow. I need help.
love,
h
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Worried
I was on my way to school this morning when I got an incoherent text from Narc. I wrote back with a question mark. Then he called. He couldn't speak. His words were so slurred that I could barely make anything out. I asked if he had just gotten home. He said he hadn't been to sleep yet. He said he couldn't go to sleep because he was "surrounded by movies," (or something like that.) Then he asked me to come down there.
"I can't. I'm teaching," I said. "But are you sure you're okay?"
"Um, no," he answered.
Now what was I supposed to do?
I told him that if he wanted to see me later that he should call me when he wakes up.
"Why don't you call me?" he insisted.
"Okay, if that's what you want..."
"We're done now, Hyde," he said. And then he hung up the phone.
I'm worried about him. I really wish he weren't doing coke with James. It's so dangerous given his circulation problems. And he had really pretty much stopped doing coke until the past six months. I wish I could say something or do something, but I know how I used to react to people who had a problem with my drug use. It's not going to make a bit of difference.
I wish I weren't thinking about this right now. I have five minutes til class and I'm going to get reviewed today.
Yuck...
I just had to get it out somewhere...
love,
h
"I can't. I'm teaching," I said. "But are you sure you're okay?"
"Um, no," he answered.
Now what was I supposed to do?
I told him that if he wanted to see me later that he should call me when he wakes up.
"Why don't you call me?" he insisted.
"Okay, if that's what you want..."
"We're done now, Hyde," he said. And then he hung up the phone.
I'm worried about him. I really wish he weren't doing coke with James. It's so dangerous given his circulation problems. And he had really pretty much stopped doing coke until the past six months. I wish I could say something or do something, but I know how I used to react to people who had a problem with my drug use. It's not going to make a bit of difference.
I wish I weren't thinking about this right now. I have five minutes til class and I'm going to get reviewed today.
Yuck...
I just had to get it out somewhere...
love,
h
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Normalization
I figured I'd write something quick, as I was intending to post all day and never got around to it. Bezoukhoff is over right now, returning a phone call in the other room.
Anyway, yesterday when after I got out of teaching, I got a text from Narc saying something to the effect of "You were supposed to wake me up by blowing me!!" to which I replied "You really wanted me to?" I told him I didn't want to disturb his sleep because I was up so early, but I was sure he'd have another chance for that.
How soon can you come back over? he asked.
I told him not until after AA later that night. He told me to come by when I could and that in the meantime he was "taking care of himself."
I'm not quite sure what's going on with us right now, but I'm too sick of analyzing to bother analyzing right now.
Tuesday was a long day and I was anxious to get out of AA and go down to see Narc. I spoke to NDN in the afternoon and he gave me some big news-- he quit his job! I haven't really had a chance to talk it all out with him yet though. After AA, Talis, my old sponsor, was all of a sudden super friendly to me. She usually doesn't even say hello, so I found her sudden display of affection a little annoying. I wasn't sure if it was done for the benefit of Meema who was standing nearby.
Anyway, I "took care" of Narc when I got to his place, and then we had a pretty chill night watching TV. It was raining out and I liked being indoors with him against the backdrop of wind and lightning. He played me the "Iran so far" sketch on YouTube, we watched Boston Legal, an old episode of Sex in the City and part of Steven Seagal's Hard to Kill. I was dead tired and falling asleep on the couch. It was weird to be back there for a third night in a row, though. It was too domestic--as if I lived there. There was really no drama at all.
I had a very strange dream last night. In it, my hair was falling out in clumps. I was with Narc and he had to leave me to go pick up Hammer from the airport. They were in the middle of some conversation upon their return, and wouldn't let me join in. I kept trying to get attention from them, but neither of them was interested in me at all and I felt jealous and abandoned. It was weird. When I woke up this morning, I wasn't quite sure what to think...
Anyway, this morning we slept in for a while and then had to clear out because his maid was coming. He went to Landmarc to meet James and I went to the library to meet Bezoukhoff for a study session. On my way there, I called Hammer. She was stressed out that ProfPP is the professor who's going to be interviewing her for the Fulbright, and there is some tension between them ever since she ditched him to make ProfSex her dissertation advisor.
Bezoukhoff and I talked about our papers over tea and then sat down to get some serious work done. I put in about four hours there, which is more than I've done in a while, and I'm glad that I did it. I had to head out in the late afternoon, though, because I had a voice lesson. Bezoukhoff agreed to meet me at my place later.
My voice lesson was great. I am so much better than I was 2 weeks ago. I've been having trouble rebuilding strength in the muscles I need to sing ever since the surgery. I also have to re-learn muscle support, but it's going okay. My voice was pretty full and I had a decent amount of support under the B-flats. I was especially loving singing the Verdi.
Alvaro, io t'amo!
Back in my neighborhood, I met Bezoukhoff at the Amish Market and then we came over to my place where I sang arias until I was about ready to croak while he cooked us dinner. We watched some TV (he even tolerated "One Life to Live" for me. What a guy!) and that brings me to right now.
I'm getting observed in class tomorrow, so I need to make sure I get a decent night's sleep and wake up a little early to get my stuff together. So... I'm gonna get off the computer in a few.
I never detailed that weird night that Narc and I had on Sunday night, but maybe I'll just let it go. I don't know... we'll see if I have energy to relive that later in the week. I've seen him so much lately that I'm kind of glad to be back in my own house and my own bed tonight.
Wish me luck with my review!
love,
h
Anyway, yesterday when after I got out of teaching, I got a text from Narc saying something to the effect of "You were supposed to wake me up by blowing me!!" to which I replied "You really wanted me to?" I told him I didn't want to disturb his sleep because I was up so early, but I was sure he'd have another chance for that.
How soon can you come back over? he asked.
I told him not until after AA later that night. He told me to come by when I could and that in the meantime he was "taking care of himself."
I'm not quite sure what's going on with us right now, but I'm too sick of analyzing to bother analyzing right now.
Tuesday was a long day and I was anxious to get out of AA and go down to see Narc. I spoke to NDN in the afternoon and he gave me some big news-- he quit his job! I haven't really had a chance to talk it all out with him yet though. After AA, Talis, my old sponsor, was all of a sudden super friendly to me. She usually doesn't even say hello, so I found her sudden display of affection a little annoying. I wasn't sure if it was done for the benefit of Meema who was standing nearby.
Anyway, I "took care" of Narc when I got to his place, and then we had a pretty chill night watching TV. It was raining out and I liked being indoors with him against the backdrop of wind and lightning. He played me the "Iran so far" sketch on YouTube, we watched Boston Legal, an old episode of Sex in the City and part of Steven Seagal's Hard to Kill. I was dead tired and falling asleep on the couch. It was weird to be back there for a third night in a row, though. It was too domestic--as if I lived there. There was really no drama at all.
I had a very strange dream last night. In it, my hair was falling out in clumps. I was with Narc and he had to leave me to go pick up Hammer from the airport. They were in the middle of some conversation upon their return, and wouldn't let me join in. I kept trying to get attention from them, but neither of them was interested in me at all and I felt jealous and abandoned. It was weird. When I woke up this morning, I wasn't quite sure what to think...
Anyway, this morning we slept in for a while and then had to clear out because his maid was coming. He went to Landmarc to meet James and I went to the library to meet Bezoukhoff for a study session. On my way there, I called Hammer. She was stressed out that ProfPP is the professor who's going to be interviewing her for the Fulbright, and there is some tension between them ever since she ditched him to make ProfSex her dissertation advisor.
Bezoukhoff and I talked about our papers over tea and then sat down to get some serious work done. I put in about four hours there, which is more than I've done in a while, and I'm glad that I did it. I had to head out in the late afternoon, though, because I had a voice lesson. Bezoukhoff agreed to meet me at my place later.
My voice lesson was great. I am so much better than I was 2 weeks ago. I've been having trouble rebuilding strength in the muscles I need to sing ever since the surgery. I also have to re-learn muscle support, but it's going okay. My voice was pretty full and I had a decent amount of support under the B-flats. I was especially loving singing the Verdi.
Alvaro, io t'amo!
Back in my neighborhood, I met Bezoukhoff at the Amish Market and then we came over to my place where I sang arias until I was about ready to croak while he cooked us dinner. We watched some TV (he even tolerated "One Life to Live" for me. What a guy!) and that brings me to right now.
I'm getting observed in class tomorrow, so I need to make sure I get a decent night's sleep and wake up a little early to get my stuff together. So... I'm gonna get off the computer in a few.
I never detailed that weird night that Narc and I had on Sunday night, but maybe I'll just let it go. I don't know... we'll see if I have energy to relive that later in the week. I've seen him so much lately that I'm kind of glad to be back in my own house and my own bed tonight.
Wish me luck with my review!
love,
h
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
"If you want me..."
It's been a strange two days... spent most of it with Narc. I went down there on Sunday night. We met at Grace. I'll have to report on that evening when I have slightly more time. (Hammer says the two of us should have a reality show!).
On Monday morning I left to meet Hammer at the Tea Spot. (I guess it was more like Monday afternoon). I actually managed to outline my fascism paper. Once Hammer got there, though, we didn't get much work done. We had a lot of gossiping to catch up on. It was hot out, but we strolled through Washington Square Park anyway. Pixie stopped by to say hi on her way to an AA meeting. I went to hear her speak at that very meeting at 2:00 PM. She was great, and I'm so glad to be her friend.
Afterwards, Narc texted. He had just gotten out of bed from when I had left him that morning. (He had a considerable amount to drink the night before). He wanted me to come back to his place and to take a walk to Chinatown for dumplings. When I got there, though, he said he had just gotten an email about a meeting on the Upper West Side and had to leave in half an hour. So, we had quickie sex and then left together, sharing a cab uptown. We saw a crazy, homeless woman wandering on the sidewalk.
"When I see people like that, I'm grateful I got sober," I said.
"Yeah-- I'd see you in 40 years and trip over you living in the gutter," he laughed.
"It would be bad."
"What am I saying?" he shook his head, "I'd probably be in the gutter right next to you."
"Yeah-- there we'd be, still complaining that we're in the same rut; still wasting all of our days and passing the nights together."
Not too late. Let you know, he wrote.
He ended up writing just after 11:00 PM, asking me to come to his place. So, I did, contingent on the promise that we would be to bed early.
At his place we smoked cigarettes and talked about meditation (and he becoming a goat-herder and I becoming a nun on the same mountain-top) and he made me play Halo-3. I wasn't very good at it, but I was much better at navigating the terrain than I was when I first picked up a controller a few years ago to try Resident Evil.
No matter how much I had been hating him for the night before, things seemed restored. I felt close to him again that night. I told him that I love him. He said the same.
Anyway, I just got to my office and have some things to print out and some emails to answer before starting class. So... I'll be back with an account of Sunday night later.
Until then...
love,
h
On Monday morning I left to meet Hammer at the Tea Spot. (I guess it was more like Monday afternoon). I actually managed to outline my fascism paper. Once Hammer got there, though, we didn't get much work done. We had a lot of gossiping to catch up on. It was hot out, but we strolled through Washington Square Park anyway. Pixie stopped by to say hi on her way to an AA meeting. I went to hear her speak at that very meeting at 2:00 PM. She was great, and I'm so glad to be her friend.
Afterwards, Narc texted. He had just gotten out of bed from when I had left him that morning. (He had a considerable amount to drink the night before). He wanted me to come back to his place and to take a walk to Chinatown for dumplings. When I got there, though, he said he had just gotten an email about a meeting on the Upper West Side and had to leave in half an hour. So, we had quickie sex and then left together, sharing a cab uptown. We saw a crazy, homeless woman wandering on the sidewalk.
"When I see people like that, I'm grateful I got sober," I said.
"Yeah-- I'd see you in 40 years and trip over you living in the gutter," he laughed.
"It would be bad."
"What am I saying?" he shook his head, "I'd probably be in the gutter right next to you."
"Yeah-- there we'd be, still complaining that we're in the same rut; still wasting all of our days and passing the nights together."
Narc asked if I had walked by any of the filming for the new Sex in the City movie.
"Not yet," I said.
I told him about my favorite episode-- when Big has his heart troubles.
"I remember that one," he said. "He turns all cold in the morning."
"Don't you know what that's like?" I smiled, "to say things in the night and negate them by acting as if they were never said in the light of day."
He didn't answer.
Anyway, I kissed him goodbye on my corner, hopped out of the cab, showered, polished my nails, ate a subway wrap and headed to AA. I felt incredibly restored and re-centered having gone to two meetings in one day.
Originally I had plans to meet up with Jake for dinner, but he called and pushed it off til Wednesday. Narc texted me again that he was out in the West Village with some friends and asked if I wanted to meet up later. I told him that I had to go to bed early because I was teaching the next morning.Not too late. Let you know, he wrote.
He ended up writing just after 11:00 PM, asking me to come to his place. So, I did, contingent on the promise that we would be to bed early.
At his place we smoked cigarettes and talked about meditation (and he becoming a goat-herder and I becoming a nun on the same mountain-top) and he made me play Halo-3. I wasn't very good at it, but I was much better at navigating the terrain than I was when I first picked up a controller a few years ago to try Resident Evil.
No matter how much I had been hating him for the night before, things seemed restored. I felt close to him again that night. I told him that I love him. He said the same.
Anyway, I just got to my office and have some things to print out and some emails to answer before starting class. So... I'll be back with an account of Sunday night later.
Until then...
love,
h
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