I'm feeling a little wiser about certain things these days... GoldenFinch told me that her husband's brother is in the process of admitting that he's an alcoholic, but that he's going to try "moderation." She said that since he needs a drink to fall asleep, he's going to try to drink only after 3:00 PM. I remember setting myself up again and again for that kind of failure. It sounds so insane to me from my current vantage point. I guess I can only pray for him and hope that he proves to himself sooner rather than later, that for true alcoholics, there is no such thing as successful moderation.
GoldenFinch also told me that her sister started up some sort of Britney Spears website supporting a "Britney Comeback." Apparently the website was featured on TMZ and has already gotten thousands and thousands of hits. I went over there to check it out. All of it seems so incredibly stupid-- to view whatever Britney is going through as a battle between "negative media" and "supportive fans." The "editor" talks all about the power of Britney fans to change her life and bring her back... As if any of it is responsible at all for someones inner struggles and personal choices. I don't know... I don't feel like thinking about Britney Spears right now. I was just left with strange feeling after reading the site.
I had a kind of quiet night at home tonight, which was nice, I guess. I made egg custard (easy to digest and sweet) and watched Happiness as part of my personal "Philip Seymour Hoffman Film Festival." The only problem is that he makes me think of Narc. And even though I'm still pretty convinced that I'm no longer in love, I still started to get that creepy-crawly/wanting to crawl out of my skin feeling after I shut the movie off. My apartment was too quiet. The city outside too silent, minus the trucks and horns rattling down Second Avenue. I don't know... TT invited me out to Cheers tonight and I don't want to go. I don't really want to go out because I know my "solution" is no longer there. But my "solution" is not yet in here either. And I suddenly felt desperate to talk to N.
I called him, but didn't leave a message. I knew he wouldn't pick up. It's Friday night, for God's sake. But I also know that he'll see that he missed my call, and so perhaps he'll be thinking of me later and call me drunk at 5:00 AM and for some reason, I wanted to inspire that... even though it will disrupt my sleep... even though I can't go see him... I committed to StarGazer that I'd meet her at an AA meeting at 9:15 tomorrow morning. It's after midnight now. I really should just scrap all of this unsettled energy and go to bed.
I wish I could be at peace by myself... in my own home...
Instead, I want to crawl out of my skin. I'm wiser, but I still want to run.
No... I don't really want to run. I just want it to be tomorrow because tonight doesn't quite suit me.
Anyway, I'm meeting NV tomorrow for brunch. I haven't hung out with him in a really long time (minus the occasional party of mine that he's shown up to). We met in the Fall of 2004 and bonded over Narc-craziness. I'm not sure what we're going to talk about tomorrow. I feel like I've suddenly become a much more private person.
Well, that's it for now...
Good night.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Rising to the Challenge
My stomach is full, full, full! I'm a little sick of the feeling-- slightly tight, slightly nauseated and not able to enjoy food. I guess it doesn't help that I spent my afternoon at the Tea Spot followed by the "Siegel Diner" with Hammer and then headed over to the Mansion after AA.
Overall, though, I can't complain. There is a miracle happening in my life right now. A miracle that I really can't credit to anyone except to God. My obsession with Narc is becoming lifted. I swear it... I can feel it... I can feel the freedom coming... It is being lifted! And I am ready to turn back to school. I'm a little bit scared about the most recent demands from ProfChair-- that I have to finish four fucking incompletes this semester! But, if that's what's being asked of me, that's what I need to do.
I have to remember that this is in my hands. I have to remember that the rewards will come in proportion to the work. I have to remember that I am on my second chance. And second chances don't come twice. After this, they are third and fourth chances, and not many people get those.
I am ready and willing to rise to the challenge. I am afraid that I won't find love again. But I can't live in that fear right now.
I need to not over-think. I need to be grateful that the grip of infatuation is lessening. I need to do my work.
And I will...
Overall, though, I can't complain. There is a miracle happening in my life right now. A miracle that I really can't credit to anyone except to God. My obsession with Narc is becoming lifted. I swear it... I can feel it... I can feel the freedom coming... It is being lifted! And I am ready to turn back to school. I'm a little bit scared about the most recent demands from ProfChair-- that I have to finish four fucking incompletes this semester! But, if that's what's being asked of me, that's what I need to do.
I have to remember that this is in my hands. I have to remember that the rewards will come in proportion to the work. I have to remember that I am on my second chance. And second chances don't come twice. After this, they are third and fourth chances, and not many people get those.
I am ready and willing to rise to the challenge. I am afraid that I won't find love again. But I can't live in that fear right now.
I need to not over-think. I need to be grateful that the grip of infatuation is lessening. I need to do my work.
And I will...
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
On a Lighter Note
Well, I'm still putting the blog on hold. I just didn't want the last lingering post up here to be one in which I was pissed off.
So, on a lighter note, LilSis' wedding was absolutely wonderful and she looked beautiful and the venue looked beautiful and all went well.
I'm starting the new semester today. It's going to be a real roller coaster.
I talked to StarGazer on the phone for a while last night and then Pixie wrote me a really sweet text message this morning. I am grateful for my AA friends right now.
love,
h
So, on a lighter note, LilSis' wedding was absolutely wonderful and she looked beautiful and the venue looked beautiful and all went well.
I'm starting the new semester today. It's going to be a real roller coaster.
I talked to StarGazer on the phone for a while last night and then Pixie wrote me a really sweet text message this morning. I am grateful for my AA friends right now.
love,
h
Monday, August 27, 2007
Empty-N
I just finished making my fall syllabus. Woke up at N's this morning. Passionless sex with him is all it is anymore, and it's kind of creepy how something once SO intense can become so much of nothing. He told me about a Craig's List ad he posted Friday night. I just went online and found it. I have mixed feelings about all that. Whatever he and I once had is dead, and he has every right to be looking for his "muse," as he like to call her, but it still makes me feel... I don't know... I'll just have to say "uncomfortable," for lack of a better term.
Anyway, I have to go to AA tonight. I didn't drink nearly enough today and am afraid I might get dehydrated. It sucks. I really just want to go home right now.
Love,
h
Anyway, I have to go to AA tonight. I didn't drink nearly enough today and am afraid I might get dehydrated. It sucks. I really just want to go home right now.
Love,
h
Sunday, August 26, 2007
On Hold
I'm pissed off right now for a whole slew of reasons. I think I might put this blog on ice for a while...
-h-
-h-
Thursday, August 23, 2007
PS:
Dan sent me this link. It has had me cracking up all day long, so I had to post it... :)
Here are the lyrics (Apparently these are Japanese commercials for the DVD's):
I’m Jack Bauer, Always in danger. I’m Jack Bauer, I never die. I’m Jack Bauer, I get pissed easily. I’m Jack Bauer, I’m actually a crybaby…
I’m Jack Bauer, To the guys who don’t confess, I’m Jack Bauer, I yell at them from really close. I’m Jack Bauer 24th is 24’s day. I’m Jack Bauer. Let’s go to a rental video place.
Song 2:
I’m Jack Bauer, I don’t take orders from anyone. I’m Jack Bauer and I drag everyone along. I’m Jack Bauer, I’m good with dealing with danger. I’m Jack Bauer, weak for my daughter.
I’m Jack Bauer, I’m an immortal man. I’m Jack Bauer. Sometimes I pass out. I’m Jack Bauer. My phone bill is crazy. I’m Jack Bauer. But my job pays for it.
Here are the lyrics (Apparently these are Japanese commercials for the DVD's):
I’m Jack Bauer, Always in danger. I’m Jack Bauer, I never die. I’m Jack Bauer, I get pissed easily. I’m Jack Bauer, I’m actually a crybaby…
I’m Jack Bauer, To the guys who don’t confess, I’m Jack Bauer, I yell at them from really close. I’m Jack Bauer 24th is 24’s day. I’m Jack Bauer. Let’s go to a rental video place.
Song 2:
I’m Jack Bauer, I don’t take orders from anyone. I’m Jack Bauer and I drag everyone along. I’m Jack Bauer, I’m good with dealing with danger. I’m Jack Bauer, weak for my daughter.
I’m Jack Bauer, I’m an immortal man. I’m Jack Bauer. Sometimes I pass out. I’m Jack Bauer. My phone bill is crazy. I’m Jack Bauer. But my job pays for it.
Come What May...
As you know, I was woken on Tuesday morning by some 6:00 AM drunken-Narc phone calls. I managed to get back to sleep for a few hours, spent a lovely afternoon with B and then headed over to AA.
After the meeting I turned on my phone and had several messages from Narc, telling me that he was going out to dinner with James, that he was back from dinner with James and that he wanted me to come over.
I went home directly after the meeting and packed a bag while I called him. I couldn't go straight down there, after all, as I had to figure out what to wear to LilSis's rehearsal dinner the next night.
When I got there, he answered the door naked and erect. It's the same as his old modus operandi, only he doesn't have the usual bottle of wine in hand anymore. I breezed past him to drop my things off.
"I was just laying down for a bit," he said, moving back into the bedroom.
I followed him and lay down next to him. He was further up on the bed, so I rested with my head on his stomach and we just talked for a while. He has some kind of Narcy New-Age music playing, the lights were dim, and I felt a cozy glow inside deep inside my stomach. It was nice.
Narc started to tell me that had stumbled upon the website of a woman he had briefly been in love with in college. I had heard snippets of this story before (usually told drunk), but I finally got the whole account. He met this girl in college and had a crush on her. They emailed back and forth for a while after he graduated and was living in New Orleans. Finally, she moved down to New Orleans (Narc was running some sort of "reality show" website dot com company and she moved into the house). At the same time, his best friend Adam came down to New Orleans for a month or two and ended up making a "game" of it and seduced the girl and screwed Narc over and completely broke his heart. I asked him why he had such a "best friend" and he said that he wasn't sure, that he always has a guy like that in his life-- that James is the new Adam.
Later, things got a little bit strange, though, when he told me that one of his angel/guides, "Melinda," had told him six months in advance that this would happen to him (even telling him when it would happen, within a three day time span) and that his guide told him "we've invested a lot of energy in you, so you have to try not to kill yourself when this happens, even though you'll want to."
I wasn't sure what to say about all that except "Yeah, you've told me about Melinda before."
(Lest you forget, she's the same guardian angel who told him to become a vegetarian a few years back.)
Anyway, we also ended up talking about the car wreck he was in a few years ago, and the fact that he tried to kill himself staying with his mom while he recovered. So, he removed himself from her house, went to a motel, and lay there for three months, alone, largely immobile, watching television 12 hours a day. I hate that things like that have happened to him.
Of course, I've heard about his accident before too, but usually he doesn't talk about that kind of stuff when he's sober. I'm not sure why I'm bothering to recount all of that here, except for the fact that it was changing my feelings. I was flooded with that mothering, protective, overwhelming sweet painful feeling and although it wasn't "passion," it was desperately close to feeling "in love." And that's dangerous for me.
So, we had sex and it felt a little more like love and like I said, it was dangerous for me.
"I don't think I'll ever get over my past," he said.
"But it is possible, Narc."
"Yeah? How? Write an angry letter to that girl? I mean, what?"
"No... Well... I mean... I've started to heal from mine, but I know you don't want to hear about how."
"How?" he asked.
"Well, I don't want to get into it, but honestly-- through my fourth and fifth step. I know you don't like the idea of AA, but I have to tell you-- it's changing my life and it's the only thing I've ever found to help me heal from my past."
"Maybe I should go to AA," he said glumly. "I have to stop doing this to my life anyway... late nights with James."
"Maybe you should. It's working for me..."
He paused. I was afraid to say anything to break the silence.
"But if I didn't go out," he continued, "I would never meet anyone. I would never see anyone. I would never do anything."
"It feels like that now," I said. "But your patterns would change. Maybe you should figure out a way to do some work in which you come into contact with other people you won't need to go find people at night. Maybe you should go work for a production company or something like that. Do something drastically different!"
"Hmmm...." He was brooding.
"If I didn't go to AA meetings at night, I would still be desperate to go to bars," I went on. "Doing graduate work is also really isolating. I know what it's like to have to carve out a place in your day to see other people."
"What do people in AA do? Play board games?" he scoffed.
"Board games? Not that I've encountered. People hang out and talk. There are so many interesting people there. People go to diners and coffee shops and talk-- the same thing you do at a bar without the booze. I don't know... Pixie and I just hung out in the park the other day. But what you do is up to you... My group went on a hike last weekend. There were some softball games this summer. I'm not into that kind of stuff though."
"Maybe I should," he sighed.
I kept quiet just then. I wasn't sure what to say and I kind of couldn't believe it.
Later on, we moved into the living room. Narc told me that he's stressed out because he has to call back his building management. They're on his back because of multiple noise complaints.
"My neighbors hate me," he said. "Management hates me. They want to kick me out."
I hated everyone else in his building at that moment. (B calls it "mafioso loyalty" when I get like that. Others call it "codependency.")
"The last thing I remember from last night is being out with James," he explained. "Then, the next thing I know, I was back here with some strange guy playing video games."
"Do you remember calling me?"
"Not really..."
I remember that kind of unmanageability.
Narc wasn't the only one who did the talking. I talked about a lot of things too... things from my past. And then, strangely, the topic of my abortion came up. Narc and I haven't mentioned that since August two years ago. I never wanted to talk to him about it again after that violent night. But somehow it came up and I said I didn't really want to talk about it then either.
"Why not?" he asked.
"Because I still feel uncomfortable about it," I said. "I still feel sad and guilty and a whole slew of things that make no sense to me."
He tried to comfort me in an incredibly awkward way, telling me that it was the right decision, that I was drinking and drugging, that neither of us wanted it. It was weird.
"I don't doubt our decision," I said. "I just don't feel good about it either."
I didn't want to talk about it anymore with him, so I tried to change the subject. But the fact that a flash of "truth" about the past surfaced is just a testament to the kind of strange night it was.
So, from there we went back to what we are most comfortable with-- hiding in sex. Narc started to tell me that he had masturbated all day thinking of ----- about me. I was surprised. He still thinks of me when he masturbates? I thought men weren't supposed to be like that.
So, I wasn't sure how to feel. The whole night was a strange combination of intimacy and distance, emotional connection and abstract detachment. Identifying feelings is something I'm learning to do in life in general right now, and the challenge of doing that in my relationship with Narc is just way beyond my level.
So, we went to bed early. There's always more comfort in bed. But even there, I felt a strange electric current around me.
Intimacy with Narc is never a free thing, but that just makes it all the more wonderful when it is granted. For example, when we sleep side by side if he's not drunk and clinging to me madly, he often won't touch me at all. Sometimes he'll move his hand to rest on my hip, as he did that night. It is always a calculated move, his hand always resting softly, as if I shouldn't take it for granted. There is an implicit promise that as suddenly as it was granted, his touch might be withdrawn. Most often, his fingers are curled under into a fist. He will rest his fist on me.
But sometimes...sometimes, he will cautiously unfurl his fingers, slowly and never firmly, exposing his open palm, letting me feel the openness of his whole hand, the extension of his fingers. That is how he gives. It is how he gave to me that night-- in way that is quiet and gentle, a relaxation full of tension, a gesture that is so insanely vulnerable coming from him. I love those moments.
Those are the moments in which I still love him with a protectiveness that always feels new to me. I love him for his limits. I think that's why I have trouble getting myself out of this tangle.
I woke him up early on Wednesday morning with a blow job (as per his request, which I thought was cute, but I still felt sort of silly doing it) and we had sex and then lay in bed together for a long time talking. He is still as depressed as he ever was, and it's strange-- it shed light more and more on the fact that I am not... I am changing. I forget that often, but when I return to Narc, it's impossible to forget. I am definitely getting better. I am crawling out of the darkness.
He said he didn't know what he was going to do with himself for the day... maybe read his friend's script. He had to call the management office from his building and deal with those noise complaints. I told him that I thought it was good that we had woken up early so maybe he could get himself on a better schedule. Then I got up, got dressed, kissed him goodbye and headed out to have my hair colored.
New York has been blessed with a beautifully dewy and chilly week, bizarre weather for late August, but I'm loving it. I bundled into my blue sweatshirt and sat on a park bench on Spring Street, sipping a protein shake and waiting for it to be 9:00 AM so the hair salon would open. I just refreshed my current color-- red (but a sort of reddish brown) and I love the way it came out.
From there, it was straight to Penn Station. LilSis and JBC's rehearsal dinner was last night, but I promised my mom to head out there much earlier in the afternoon. She picked me up near her office and we drove back to the house. KW was there waiting to greet me. (I don't know if you guys remember the "W" family-- they were our next door neighbors when I was growing up-- a family of five kids. Even though we left my dad and moved away when I was seven, we've always stayed in touch. KW is the one whose wedding I went to in San Francisco back in August 2005. She lives out there but flew into NY a few days early for the wedding.) Jeanie was also there, the woman who had been our nanny and a second (or third) grandmother to us when we were little, also staying with us until we left my dad. She came in from Virginia.
Jeanie was napping, but KW and I sat and had some tea and chatted. She is having some serious marital issues and is going through a very tough time right now. It has been very hard for her to get pregnant and when she finally did, she miscarried. I feel so bad for her. Anyway, after our talk, we headed over to the dressmaker with my mom to pick up our gowns.
Mine looked gorgeous. I tried it on and was very happy. My mom was worried that hers is too sexy. It is sexy, but she looks gorgeous too and I think she is just paranoid that she chose to wear a bold red and doesn't look anything like a 60 year old mother of the bride!
Back at my parents house, we met up with BigSis and LilSis who had just returned from picking up LilSis' wedding gown. I decided to buy LilSis and JBC a spa package for their honeymoon in Aruba, so BigSis and I slipped away into my mom's bedroom and she helped me arrange it. (She's been to the same hotel in Aruba, so she knew what's what...) After that, I had to lay down and rest for a while because I am still not back to my normal energy levels as I recover from the surgery.
I rested in the den and watched the tail end of an I Love Lucy episode and then some Leave it to Beaver. I was thinking about Narc. The absolute worst thing about getting close to him is that it leaves me wanting a normal relationship with the ability to contact him like a normal person, but I can't have that. Narc disappears until he wants to reappear. I have never had and never will have any control over that, and I have to just accept it. (More lessons regarding "expectations," I suppose.) Anyway, I was surprised when, phone in hand, he suddenly texted me.
Narc: Ugh... can't believe I ended up sleeping until noon! Man, this depression really is no fun...
Hyde: Weird. I was literally about to text you and ask how you were. I'm sorry you're depressed. I want to talk to you more about it b/c I've been there but am climbing out. I have some ideas I wanted to tell you. As for me, picked up my dress. Now watching "Leave it to Beaver" and dodging family & dinner set up.
Narc: Just spoke with woman in my building, still alive. Dodged a bullet, phew...
Hyde: Yay! So, your days in Tribeca are secure. :) Was she mean?
Narc: She was rather understanding, I suppose, considering the number of complaints, apparently.
Hyde: Well, that's good. I want to beat up your complaining neighbors for making you feel bad. I need more boxing lessons.
Narc: Nah, just need to cease bringing people back to my place at all hours...
Hyde: Well, that's up to you. What are you doing with the rest of your day?
And then he never wrote back. Classic. He just stopped writing to me, never answering the question. So, I closed my phone and tried to swallow my mounting anxiety.
I couldn't dwell on it for long, though, because my mom came to get me to start getting ready for the dinner. KW's mom and sister, DW and HW had just arrived, having driven in from New Jersey. I fixed my makeup and then went to join them in the living room to entertain them while my mom got changed.
JBC's parents were officially hosting the dinner. His dad didn't show up though. I don't quite understand the dynamics of his family, and I know that JBC was quite upset about it, but I'm not sure what the official excuse was to explain the no-show. LilSis and JBC live in a huge apartment downstairs in my parents house. The entire apartment is above ground and has an entrance that opens onto the back patio and the swimming pool, so dinner was served out of their kitchen and everybody ate milling around the pool, or in the living room (those who had trouble pulling themselves away from the Mets game!). LilSis looked so pretty and happy and it was so sweet. She's only three years younger than I am, but I will always look at her as my cute little sister.
Overall, the dinner went really well. LilSis and JBC made a nice toast and gave out gifts to their bridal party. BigSis and Bro-in-Law drove me back to the train at around 10:00 PM. It was a long day for me.
While on the train, I talked to StarGazer on the phone for a while (sorry, NDN!) and when I hung up, saw I had five text messages! Two from Pixie, one from B, one from Chapstick and one from Hammer who informed me that she and the Alaskan were eating at Isle when Narc and "some guy" peeked into the restaurant. It made me laugh that I got such a prompt update.
Anyway, I was exhausted by the time I got home. So, I gratefully unwound and was in bed by midnight.
So, at the end of the night, nothing was resolved except that another day had been lived. Narc makes me warm and I felt close to him. But at the same time, he wakes me drunk at 6:00 AM, ignores my text messages... nothing has changed. My family makes me warm and I feel close to them. But at the same time, there is a piece of me that still doesn't quite feel connected or "a part of."
I don't know...
What I do know is that I have a lot of errands to run today and that I've got to finish up my syllabus, as this weekend is going to be full with the wedding. So, I'll leave it at that for now.
lots of love,
h
After the meeting I turned on my phone and had several messages from Narc, telling me that he was going out to dinner with James, that he was back from dinner with James and that he wanted me to come over.
I went home directly after the meeting and packed a bag while I called him. I couldn't go straight down there, after all, as I had to figure out what to wear to LilSis's rehearsal dinner the next night.
When I got there, he answered the door naked and erect. It's the same as his old modus operandi, only he doesn't have the usual bottle of wine in hand anymore. I breezed past him to drop my things off.
"I was just laying down for a bit," he said, moving back into the bedroom.
I followed him and lay down next to him. He was further up on the bed, so I rested with my head on his stomach and we just talked for a while. He has some kind of Narcy New-Age music playing, the lights were dim, and I felt a cozy glow inside deep inside my stomach. It was nice.
Narc started to tell me that had stumbled upon the website of a woman he had briefly been in love with in college. I had heard snippets of this story before (usually told drunk), but I finally got the whole account. He met this girl in college and had a crush on her. They emailed back and forth for a while after he graduated and was living in New Orleans. Finally, she moved down to New Orleans (Narc was running some sort of "reality show" website dot com company and she moved into the house). At the same time, his best friend Adam came down to New Orleans for a month or two and ended up making a "game" of it and seduced the girl and screwed Narc over and completely broke his heart. I asked him why he had such a "best friend" and he said that he wasn't sure, that he always has a guy like that in his life-- that James is the new Adam.
Later, things got a little bit strange, though, when he told me that one of his angel/guides, "Melinda," had told him six months in advance that this would happen to him (even telling him when it would happen, within a three day time span) and that his guide told him "we've invested a lot of energy in you, so you have to try not to kill yourself when this happens, even though you'll want to."
I wasn't sure what to say about all that except "Yeah, you've told me about Melinda before."
(Lest you forget, she's the same guardian angel who told him to become a vegetarian a few years back.)
Anyway, we also ended up talking about the car wreck he was in a few years ago, and the fact that he tried to kill himself staying with his mom while he recovered. So, he removed himself from her house, went to a motel, and lay there for three months, alone, largely immobile, watching television 12 hours a day. I hate that things like that have happened to him.
Of course, I've heard about his accident before too, but usually he doesn't talk about that kind of stuff when he's sober. I'm not sure why I'm bothering to recount all of that here, except for the fact that it was changing my feelings. I was flooded with that mothering, protective, overwhelming sweet painful feeling and although it wasn't "passion," it was desperately close to feeling "in love." And that's dangerous for me.
So, we had sex and it felt a little more like love and like I said, it was dangerous for me.
"I don't think I'll ever get over my past," he said.
"But it is possible, Narc."
"Yeah? How? Write an angry letter to that girl? I mean, what?"
"No... Well... I mean... I've started to heal from mine, but I know you don't want to hear about how."
"How?" he asked.
"Well, I don't want to get into it, but honestly-- through my fourth and fifth step. I know you don't like the idea of AA, but I have to tell you-- it's changing my life and it's the only thing I've ever found to help me heal from my past."
"Maybe I should go to AA," he said glumly. "I have to stop doing this to my life anyway... late nights with James."
"Maybe you should. It's working for me..."
He paused. I was afraid to say anything to break the silence.
"But if I didn't go out," he continued, "I would never meet anyone. I would never see anyone. I would never do anything."
"It feels like that now," I said. "But your patterns would change. Maybe you should figure out a way to do some work in which you come into contact with other people you won't need to go find people at night. Maybe you should go work for a production company or something like that. Do something drastically different!"
"Hmmm...." He was brooding.
"If I didn't go to AA meetings at night, I would still be desperate to go to bars," I went on. "Doing graduate work is also really isolating. I know what it's like to have to carve out a place in your day to see other people."
"What do people in AA do? Play board games?" he scoffed.
"Board games? Not that I've encountered. People hang out and talk. There are so many interesting people there. People go to diners and coffee shops and talk-- the same thing you do at a bar without the booze. I don't know... Pixie and I just hung out in the park the other day. But what you do is up to you... My group went on a hike last weekend. There were some softball games this summer. I'm not into that kind of stuff though."
"Maybe I should," he sighed.
I kept quiet just then. I wasn't sure what to say and I kind of couldn't believe it.
Later on, we moved into the living room. Narc told me that he's stressed out because he has to call back his building management. They're on his back because of multiple noise complaints.
"My neighbors hate me," he said. "Management hates me. They want to kick me out."
I hated everyone else in his building at that moment. (B calls it "mafioso loyalty" when I get like that. Others call it "codependency.")
"The last thing I remember from last night is being out with James," he explained. "Then, the next thing I know, I was back here with some strange guy playing video games."
"Do you remember calling me?"
"Not really..."
I remember that kind of unmanageability.
Narc wasn't the only one who did the talking. I talked about a lot of things too... things from my past. And then, strangely, the topic of my abortion came up. Narc and I haven't mentioned that since August two years ago. I never wanted to talk to him about it again after that violent night. But somehow it came up and I said I didn't really want to talk about it then either.
"Why not?" he asked.
"Because I still feel uncomfortable about it," I said. "I still feel sad and guilty and a whole slew of things that make no sense to me."
He tried to comfort me in an incredibly awkward way, telling me that it was the right decision, that I was drinking and drugging, that neither of us wanted it. It was weird.
"I don't doubt our decision," I said. "I just don't feel good about it either."
I didn't want to talk about it anymore with him, so I tried to change the subject. But the fact that a flash of "truth" about the past surfaced is just a testament to the kind of strange night it was.
So, from there we went back to what we are most comfortable with-- hiding in sex. Narc started to tell me that he had masturbated all day thinking of ----- about me. I was surprised. He still thinks of me when he masturbates? I thought men weren't supposed to be like that.
So, I wasn't sure how to feel. The whole night was a strange combination of intimacy and distance, emotional connection and abstract detachment. Identifying feelings is something I'm learning to do in life in general right now, and the challenge of doing that in my relationship with Narc is just way beyond my level.
So, we went to bed early. There's always more comfort in bed. But even there, I felt a strange electric current around me.
Intimacy with Narc is never a free thing, but that just makes it all the more wonderful when it is granted. For example, when we sleep side by side if he's not drunk and clinging to me madly, he often won't touch me at all. Sometimes he'll move his hand to rest on my hip, as he did that night. It is always a calculated move, his hand always resting softly, as if I shouldn't take it for granted. There is an implicit promise that as suddenly as it was granted, his touch might be withdrawn. Most often, his fingers are curled under into a fist. He will rest his fist on me.
But sometimes...sometimes, he will cautiously unfurl his fingers, slowly and never firmly, exposing his open palm, letting me feel the openness of his whole hand, the extension of his fingers. That is how he gives. It is how he gave to me that night-- in way that is quiet and gentle, a relaxation full of tension, a gesture that is so insanely vulnerable coming from him. I love those moments.
Those are the moments in which I still love him with a protectiveness that always feels new to me. I love him for his limits. I think that's why I have trouble getting myself out of this tangle.
I woke him up early on Wednesday morning with a blow job (as per his request, which I thought was cute, but I still felt sort of silly doing it) and we had sex and then lay in bed together for a long time talking. He is still as depressed as he ever was, and it's strange-- it shed light more and more on the fact that I am not... I am changing. I forget that often, but when I return to Narc, it's impossible to forget. I am definitely getting better. I am crawling out of the darkness.
He said he didn't know what he was going to do with himself for the day... maybe read his friend's script. He had to call the management office from his building and deal with those noise complaints. I told him that I thought it was good that we had woken up early so maybe he could get himself on a better schedule. Then I got up, got dressed, kissed him goodbye and headed out to have my hair colored.
New York has been blessed with a beautifully dewy and chilly week, bizarre weather for late August, but I'm loving it. I bundled into my blue sweatshirt and sat on a park bench on Spring Street, sipping a protein shake and waiting for it to be 9:00 AM so the hair salon would open. I just refreshed my current color-- red (but a sort of reddish brown) and I love the way it came out.
From there, it was straight to Penn Station. LilSis and JBC's rehearsal dinner was last night, but I promised my mom to head out there much earlier in the afternoon. She picked me up near her office and we drove back to the house. KW was there waiting to greet me. (I don't know if you guys remember the "W" family-- they were our next door neighbors when I was growing up-- a family of five kids. Even though we left my dad and moved away when I was seven, we've always stayed in touch. KW is the one whose wedding I went to in San Francisco back in August 2005. She lives out there but flew into NY a few days early for the wedding.) Jeanie was also there, the woman who had been our nanny and a second (or third) grandmother to us when we were little, also staying with us until we left my dad. She came in from Virginia.
Jeanie was napping, but KW and I sat and had some tea and chatted. She is having some serious marital issues and is going through a very tough time right now. It has been very hard for her to get pregnant and when she finally did, she miscarried. I feel so bad for her. Anyway, after our talk, we headed over to the dressmaker with my mom to pick up our gowns.
Mine looked gorgeous. I tried it on and was very happy. My mom was worried that hers is too sexy. It is sexy, but she looks gorgeous too and I think she is just paranoid that she chose to wear a bold red and doesn't look anything like a 60 year old mother of the bride!
Back at my parents house, we met up with BigSis and LilSis who had just returned from picking up LilSis' wedding gown. I decided to buy LilSis and JBC a spa package for their honeymoon in Aruba, so BigSis and I slipped away into my mom's bedroom and she helped me arrange it. (She's been to the same hotel in Aruba, so she knew what's what...) After that, I had to lay down and rest for a while because I am still not back to my normal energy levels as I recover from the surgery.
I rested in the den and watched the tail end of an I Love Lucy episode and then some Leave it to Beaver. I was thinking about Narc. The absolute worst thing about getting close to him is that it leaves me wanting a normal relationship with the ability to contact him like a normal person, but I can't have that. Narc disappears until he wants to reappear. I have never had and never will have any control over that, and I have to just accept it. (More lessons regarding "expectations," I suppose.) Anyway, I was surprised when, phone in hand, he suddenly texted me.
Narc: Ugh... can't believe I ended up sleeping until noon! Man, this depression really is no fun...
Hyde: Weird. I was literally about to text you and ask how you were. I'm sorry you're depressed. I want to talk to you more about it b/c I've been there but am climbing out. I have some ideas I wanted to tell you. As for me, picked up my dress. Now watching "Leave it to Beaver" and dodging family & dinner set up.
Narc: Just spoke with woman in my building, still alive. Dodged a bullet, phew...
Hyde: Yay! So, your days in Tribeca are secure. :) Was she mean?
Narc: She was rather understanding, I suppose, considering the number of complaints, apparently.
Hyde: Well, that's good. I want to beat up your complaining neighbors for making you feel bad. I need more boxing lessons.
Narc: Nah, just need to cease bringing people back to my place at all hours...
Hyde: Well, that's up to you. What are you doing with the rest of your day?
And then he never wrote back. Classic. He just stopped writing to me, never answering the question. So, I closed my phone and tried to swallow my mounting anxiety.
I couldn't dwell on it for long, though, because my mom came to get me to start getting ready for the dinner. KW's mom and sister, DW and HW had just arrived, having driven in from New Jersey. I fixed my makeup and then went to join them in the living room to entertain them while my mom got changed.
JBC's parents were officially hosting the dinner. His dad didn't show up though. I don't quite understand the dynamics of his family, and I know that JBC was quite upset about it, but I'm not sure what the official excuse was to explain the no-show. LilSis and JBC live in a huge apartment downstairs in my parents house. The entire apartment is above ground and has an entrance that opens onto the back patio and the swimming pool, so dinner was served out of their kitchen and everybody ate milling around the pool, or in the living room (those who had trouble pulling themselves away from the Mets game!). LilSis looked so pretty and happy and it was so sweet. She's only three years younger than I am, but I will always look at her as my cute little sister.
Overall, the dinner went really well. LilSis and JBC made a nice toast and gave out gifts to their bridal party. BigSis and Bro-in-Law drove me back to the train at around 10:00 PM. It was a long day for me.
While on the train, I talked to StarGazer on the phone for a while (sorry, NDN!) and when I hung up, saw I had five text messages! Two from Pixie, one from B, one from Chapstick and one from Hammer who informed me that she and the Alaskan were eating at Isle when Narc and "some guy" peeked into the restaurant. It made me laugh that I got such a prompt update.
Anyway, I was exhausted by the time I got home. So, I gratefully unwound and was in bed by midnight.
So, at the end of the night, nothing was resolved except that another day had been lived. Narc makes me warm and I felt close to him. But at the same time, he wakes me drunk at 6:00 AM, ignores my text messages... nothing has changed. My family makes me warm and I feel close to them. But at the same time, there is a piece of me that still doesn't quite feel connected or "a part of."
I don't know...
What I do know is that I have a lot of errands to run today and that I've got to finish up my syllabus, as this weekend is going to be full with the wedding. So, I'll leave it at that for now.
lots of love,
h
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Same, Same, Same.
Sometimes I think everything is changing all at once. Sometimes I think nothing is changing at all!
Yesterday was a much better day than Sunday. I went to an afternoon AA meeting with Pixie and afterwards we hung out in Washington Square Park for a long time, just "kickin' it" on a park bench. Later on in the afternoon, Hammer came by to meet me and we went over to the Tea Spot to catch up. From there I headed uptown to Bloomingdale's where I spent more money than I have on MAC makeup and then I went to my regular Monday night meditation meeting.
All in all, a nice day.
Now, I mentioned that the Stallion called me on Sunday night, right? Well, he called back again last night.
"How are you???" I asked, cheerfully.
"Good, good!" he exclaimed. "How 'bout you?"
"Good! So... what's new?"
And then he dropped a bomb.
"Um... well, my mom died yesterday," he said.
I was shocked. I knew his mom has had diabetes for quite some time, but I wasn't expecting him to call me for any other reason than to flirt. I talked to him for a few minutes, and it was strange. He told me that he's angry at his mom and that he was grateful to talk to me and to hear my voice because I was someone "outside" of everyone he's had to talk to about it.
"So... I'm gonna be in NY in a few weeks," he said. "I'd love to see you."
"Um... yeah... sure!" I answered, cautiously.
I mean, what else was I supposed to say? His mom just died. On the other hand, I don't, don't, DON'T want to have sex with him. I also know that I'm "just a girl who can't say no." So, that puts me in a tough spot if I see him. I'm not quite sure what to do or how to handle it. Cherubino told me that I'm not at all obligated to see him. I don't know...
Then, at 6:00 AM my phone rang, waking me from my slumber. I looked at the phone. It was Narc. I didn't pick up. He called back again 15 minutes later, leaving messages both times:
Hey Hyde, it's Narc. Um, just trying you late at night. Early for me, but late at night for you I guess. Um, call me back when you can. Alright. Bye
And then:
Hey Hyde, it's Narc. Um, I found my Powerbook. A little bit of a kick in the ass, I have to report, but um... Yeah, I found my Powerbook. Anyway, um, well, shit, I want something to tell you, but yeah, um... Maybe I'll call you sometime. Um, bye.
And then I got a text message: Where are you!?
Well, that was sort of too much for me, so I wrote back: Sleeping. Out with James again, I presume?
And then he called.
We talked for about fifteen minutes. I told him I couldn't come down because it was daylight and I had to wake up in a few hours. But, overall, the conversation made me laugh. Some of the more interesting points:
Hyde: So, what did you do tonight, Narc?
Narc: I drank a protein drink and got really pumped up and then I went running. I went on an amazing run!
Hyde: (laughing) That's awesome! What else did you do?
Narc: Um... That's it. That's it.
Hyde: That can't be it! Why are you still up at 6:00 AM?
Narc: I don't know... I couldn't sleep.
Hyde: You couldn't sleep? That's all? So, you didn't go out?
Narc: Oh yeah, I went to "Cirque Rouge" with James.
Later he was telling me that he got an advance copy of Bioshock.
Hyde: Is it a good game? Does it live up to your expectations?
Narc: It's so good, you can't even touch my dick while I'm playing it.
Fucking absurd. But, like I said-- at least he had me laughing.
Anyway, we ended the conversation with Narc telling me to come down to see him later on that night. I told him I couldn't make it until after 9:00 PM. I sent him a message to confirm it (just in case he blacked out our conversation) and he wrote back a flurry of texts telling me to "fuck him awake" and other more lewd things that I'll leave off the blog.
And then I went back to sleep until 9:30 AM.
This afternoon, B came to see me, back from his honeymoon. I was feeling nauseated when he first got here, but quickly perked up as we watched Laurence Olivier in the 1939 Wuthering Heights. We had a great time.
After he left, Narc texted me again... something about watching The Pickup Artist on VH1. (It was around 3:30 at this point). I asked if he really wanted me to come over tonight or if it was just a drunk invite.
Call later, was his reply.
OK. But if I'm coming, I want to come straight from AA, I said. So, I'll call a t 8:15 if you could decide by then. Thanks.
He makes me crazy and I'm nearly sick of this crap.
Anyway, tomorrow morning I'm going to have my hair done and then heading out to Long Island for LilSis' rehearsal dinner. I can't believe the wedding is already going to be here on Friday!! Out of town friends and family are starting to arrive tonight. It's going to be a big to do around here...
Well, on that note, I better go try to eat something before heading over to AA. Hope you are all well!
love,
h
Yesterday was a much better day than Sunday. I went to an afternoon AA meeting with Pixie and afterwards we hung out in Washington Square Park for a long time, just "kickin' it" on a park bench. Later on in the afternoon, Hammer came by to meet me and we went over to the Tea Spot to catch up. From there I headed uptown to Bloomingdale's where I spent more money than I have on MAC makeup and then I went to my regular Monday night meditation meeting.
All in all, a nice day.
Now, I mentioned that the Stallion called me on Sunday night, right? Well, he called back again last night.
"How are you???" I asked, cheerfully.
"Good, good!" he exclaimed. "How 'bout you?"
"Good! So... what's new?"
And then he dropped a bomb.
"Um... well, my mom died yesterday," he said.
I was shocked. I knew his mom has had diabetes for quite some time, but I wasn't expecting him to call me for any other reason than to flirt. I talked to him for a few minutes, and it was strange. He told me that he's angry at his mom and that he was grateful to talk to me and to hear my voice because I was someone "outside" of everyone he's had to talk to about it.
"So... I'm gonna be in NY in a few weeks," he said. "I'd love to see you."
"Um... yeah... sure!" I answered, cautiously.
I mean, what else was I supposed to say? His mom just died. On the other hand, I don't, don't, DON'T want to have sex with him. I also know that I'm "just a girl who can't say no." So, that puts me in a tough spot if I see him. I'm not quite sure what to do or how to handle it. Cherubino told me that I'm not at all obligated to see him. I don't know...
Then, at 6:00 AM my phone rang, waking me from my slumber. I looked at the phone. It was Narc. I didn't pick up. He called back again 15 minutes later, leaving messages both times:
Hey Hyde, it's Narc. Um, just trying you late at night. Early for me, but late at night for you I guess. Um, call me back when you can. Alright. Bye
And then:
Hey Hyde, it's Narc. Um, I found my Powerbook. A little bit of a kick in the ass, I have to report, but um... Yeah, I found my Powerbook. Anyway, um, well, shit, I want something to tell you, but yeah, um... Maybe I'll call you sometime. Um, bye.
And then I got a text message: Where are you!?
Well, that was sort of too much for me, so I wrote back: Sleeping. Out with James again, I presume?
And then he called.
We talked for about fifteen minutes. I told him I couldn't come down because it was daylight and I had to wake up in a few hours. But, overall, the conversation made me laugh. Some of the more interesting points:
Hyde: So, what did you do tonight, Narc?
Narc: I drank a protein drink and got really pumped up and then I went running. I went on an amazing run!
Hyde: (laughing) That's awesome! What else did you do?
Narc: Um... That's it. That's it.
Hyde: That can't be it! Why are you still up at 6:00 AM?
Narc: I don't know... I couldn't sleep.
Hyde: You couldn't sleep? That's all? So, you didn't go out?
Narc: Oh yeah, I went to "Cirque Rouge" with James.
Later he was telling me that he got an advance copy of Bioshock.
Hyde: Is it a good game? Does it live up to your expectations?
Narc: It's so good, you can't even touch my dick while I'm playing it.
Fucking absurd. But, like I said-- at least he had me laughing.
Anyway, we ended the conversation with Narc telling me to come down to see him later on that night. I told him I couldn't make it until after 9:00 PM. I sent him a message to confirm it (just in case he blacked out our conversation) and he wrote back a flurry of texts telling me to "fuck him awake" and other more lewd things that I'll leave off the blog.
And then I went back to sleep until 9:30 AM.
This afternoon, B came to see me, back from his honeymoon. I was feeling nauseated when he first got here, but quickly perked up as we watched Laurence Olivier in the 1939 Wuthering Heights. We had a great time.
After he left, Narc texted me again... something about watching The Pickup Artist on VH1. (It was around 3:30 at this point). I asked if he really wanted me to come over tonight or if it was just a drunk invite.
Call later, was his reply.
OK. But if I'm coming, I want to come straight from AA, I said. So, I'll call a t 8:15 if you could decide by then. Thanks.
He makes me crazy and I'm nearly sick of this crap.
Anyway, tomorrow morning I'm going to have my hair done and then heading out to Long Island for LilSis' rehearsal dinner. I can't believe the wedding is already going to be here on Friday!! Out of town friends and family are starting to arrive tonight. It's going to be a big to do around here...
Well, on that note, I better go try to eat something before heading over to AA. Hope you are all well!
love,
h
Monday, August 20, 2007
Expectations
My sponsor keeps telling me not to have expectations of people.
Sometimes this makes complete sense to me... after all, having disappointed expectations is the quickest way to a "resentment" for me, and resentments are the quickest path to a drink.
On the other hand, sometimes this idea completely baffles me. If I don't have expectations of people, how can I trust anyone? How can I demand the treatment I (want? deserve?) in relationships? Shouldn't I be able to have reasonable expectations of my friends and loved ones?
"Yes," Cherubino said when I put the question to her. "But if the person can not or will not meet those expectations, you need to make a decision about whether or not to stay engaged in the relationship. And if you decide to stay, then you have to accept that person on their terms."
I said "okay" when she told this to me. But all I could think was "does it really have to come down to that every single time?" Either I accept the disappointment of my expectations or the friendship/relationship must be dissolved? Somehow that seems a little viciously Darwinian to me.
I have had friends disappoint my expectations many times (or I have failed to meet theirs), and I have gone on to have changed expectations of those people and to redefine the relationships. But those "redefinitions" usually came out of a lot of discussion and explanation and compromise. Such has been the case with GoldenFinch, with B, with VJ, with Anxious, with NDN... I think it's a healthy part of a long term friendship as people grow and as lives change. But Cherubino seemed to be telling me to hold the discussion and just make the adjustment on my own. And that's hard for me to sit with.
Anyway, that's what's been on my mind for the past two days (at least in part) and that's what I woke up with this morning.
In other news, I'm definitely depressed. I think that most of it is post-surgery depression and some of it is end-of-summer fatigue. I've decided to day-count my time post surgery and try not to evaluate things too much until I get to 90. I'm only on day 19. If I had evaluated my sobriety at 19 days out, there's no way I'd still be sober... So, as usual, a little more patience is needed. Patience is something I struggle with.
Last night I had a really strange dream about a boy I went to high school with. He was incredibly smart and talented and I was a little envious of him because he read philosophy just a little before I did and therefore always seemed to have some sophisticated store of knowledge and I couldn't figure out where it came from. Anyway, in my dream, he was at my parents house and my mom was giving him some sort of life advice. Later, he and I were in a car and he was telling me that he was working on a dissertation in history too-- a demographic study of the peasants who joined Al Qaeda. (Don't know where that came from, except for the fact that the sociology student I hung out with last week was studying populist peasant movements.) In my dream, this guy, JV, told me that he was struggling because he found himself applying Marxist theory and he knew it was outdated. I told him that B was writing on a Marxist theorist. Later, the discussion turned to my incompletes. JV asked why I had so many.
"Can you keep a secret?" I asked.
"Um, sure..."
I told him that I am an alcoholic. I told him about the problems I had with coke. As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I regret it. And after a few more minutes of dream-discussion, I woke up feeling unsettled. My mouth was dry.
I keep having a day-dream too. (If it's a day-dream, does that make it a fantasy? I hope not...). In my day-dream Narc calls me to come meet him, but he's drunk. I go down there and he punches me in the stomach and my post-surgery stomach ruptures. Isn't that sick? That a piece of me is actually afraid of that happening. It really bothers me that in a corner of my mind it's a real fear... a quasi-realistic fear. That's really fucked up. It makes it harder for me to negate my past with him, something I usually have no problem doing.
I have plans to hang out with Pixie this afternoon. She is such an awesome girl. She's one of the handful of women I'm becoming pretty close with in AA. She dragged me out to meetings on Friday and then again last night (as like I've said, I've been too depressed to have enough self-motivation) and each time I saw her we laughed and laughed. She is a poetic person-- someone who struggles with life's questions in a way that's very similar to my own struggle. We ask the same questions, I guess... And I've been feeling closer to StarGazer too, which is nice.
Anyway, I heard a funny expression at the meeting last night. One guy who shared called himself an "Action Hero." It stuck with me because I've been having so much trouble structuring and motivating this week. Given my nature, taking action and doing the work of life is pretty heroic. And it's not easy. But I want to do it. I don't want to give in to malaise and stupor.
Last night the phone rang after midnight. I had just shut my light, grateful to be relieved of my "action hero" duties, justified to lay there in the darkness. I expected it to be Narc. It wasn't. It was the Stallion! I haven't heard from him in months... maybe more than six months. He's still living in Portland with his (girlfriend? wife?) and baby boy.
"Did I wake you?" he asked.
"Well, no, but I was about to fall asleep."
He said he would call back the next day.
It's gray outside again today... a gray that I'm grateful for in late August. I'm hoping to escape the summer without another truly summery day.
Anyway, that's it for now. It's only 8:00 AM and I'm not sure why I'm awake, given that my only responsibilities for the day are to buy a pair of earrings for LilSis' wedding and to meet Pixie at noon.
Well, happy Monday to all!
love,
h
Sometimes this makes complete sense to me... after all, having disappointed expectations is the quickest way to a "resentment" for me, and resentments are the quickest path to a drink.
On the other hand, sometimes this idea completely baffles me. If I don't have expectations of people, how can I trust anyone? How can I demand the treatment I (want? deserve?) in relationships? Shouldn't I be able to have reasonable expectations of my friends and loved ones?
"Yes," Cherubino said when I put the question to her. "But if the person can not or will not meet those expectations, you need to make a decision about whether or not to stay engaged in the relationship. And if you decide to stay, then you have to accept that person on their terms."
I said "okay" when she told this to me. But all I could think was "does it really have to come down to that every single time?" Either I accept the disappointment of my expectations or the friendship/relationship must be dissolved? Somehow that seems a little viciously Darwinian to me.
I have had friends disappoint my expectations many times (or I have failed to meet theirs), and I have gone on to have changed expectations of those people and to redefine the relationships. But those "redefinitions" usually came out of a lot of discussion and explanation and compromise. Such has been the case with GoldenFinch, with B, with VJ, with Anxious, with NDN... I think it's a healthy part of a long term friendship as people grow and as lives change. But Cherubino seemed to be telling me to hold the discussion and just make the adjustment on my own. And that's hard for me to sit with.
Anyway, that's what's been on my mind for the past two days (at least in part) and that's what I woke up with this morning.
In other news, I'm definitely depressed. I think that most of it is post-surgery depression and some of it is end-of-summer fatigue. I've decided to day-count my time post surgery and try not to evaluate things too much until I get to 90. I'm only on day 19. If I had evaluated my sobriety at 19 days out, there's no way I'd still be sober... So, as usual, a little more patience is needed. Patience is something I struggle with.
Last night I had a really strange dream about a boy I went to high school with. He was incredibly smart and talented and I was a little envious of him because he read philosophy just a little before I did and therefore always seemed to have some sophisticated store of knowledge and I couldn't figure out where it came from. Anyway, in my dream, he was at my parents house and my mom was giving him some sort of life advice. Later, he and I were in a car and he was telling me that he was working on a dissertation in history too-- a demographic study of the peasants who joined Al Qaeda. (Don't know where that came from, except for the fact that the sociology student I hung out with last week was studying populist peasant movements.) In my dream, this guy, JV, told me that he was struggling because he found himself applying Marxist theory and he knew it was outdated. I told him that B was writing on a Marxist theorist. Later, the discussion turned to my incompletes. JV asked why I had so many.
"Can you keep a secret?" I asked.
"Um, sure..."
I told him that I am an alcoholic. I told him about the problems I had with coke. As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I regret it. And after a few more minutes of dream-discussion, I woke up feeling unsettled. My mouth was dry.
I keep having a day-dream too. (If it's a day-dream, does that make it a fantasy? I hope not...). In my day-dream Narc calls me to come meet him, but he's drunk. I go down there and he punches me in the stomach and my post-surgery stomach ruptures. Isn't that sick? That a piece of me is actually afraid of that happening. It really bothers me that in a corner of my mind it's a real fear... a quasi-realistic fear. That's really fucked up. It makes it harder for me to negate my past with him, something I usually have no problem doing.
I have plans to hang out with Pixie this afternoon. She is such an awesome girl. She's one of the handful of women I'm becoming pretty close with in AA. She dragged me out to meetings on Friday and then again last night (as like I've said, I've been too depressed to have enough self-motivation) and each time I saw her we laughed and laughed. She is a poetic person-- someone who struggles with life's questions in a way that's very similar to my own struggle. We ask the same questions, I guess... And I've been feeling closer to StarGazer too, which is nice.
Anyway, I heard a funny expression at the meeting last night. One guy who shared called himself an "Action Hero." It stuck with me because I've been having so much trouble structuring and motivating this week. Given my nature, taking action and doing the work of life is pretty heroic. And it's not easy. But I want to do it. I don't want to give in to malaise and stupor.
Last night the phone rang after midnight. I had just shut my light, grateful to be relieved of my "action hero" duties, justified to lay there in the darkness. I expected it to be Narc. It wasn't. It was the Stallion! I haven't heard from him in months... maybe more than six months. He's still living in Portland with his (girlfriend? wife?) and baby boy.
"Did I wake you?" he asked.
"Well, no, but I was about to fall asleep."
He said he would call back the next day.
It's gray outside again today... a gray that I'm grateful for in late August. I'm hoping to escape the summer without another truly summery day.
Anyway, that's it for now. It's only 8:00 AM and I'm not sure why I'm awake, given that my only responsibilities for the day are to buy a pair of earrings for LilSis' wedding and to meet Pixie at noon.
Well, happy Monday to all!
love,
h
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Friday, August 17, 2007
Winds of Change
A few more words on Wednesday evening...
I went with Bezoukhoff and a friend of his to see Goya's Ghost's, a movie that was visually rich with a decidedly creepy (but beautiful) ending. Bezoukhoff brought a friend along from the Sociology department. It's always strange to be around academics from different departments. They just speak differently, or think differently, or something.
Anyway, Bezoukhoff came back to my place with me afterwards. We were chatting and I was winding down towards bedtime (like a good girl who knows how to practice self care) when I got a text from Narc.
Taking a break from the writing. What are you up to tonight?
Wait-- before I go any further with my story, let me first say this-- I had just gotten an email from Narc the day before telling me that he wasn't available to hang out for the foreseeable future. "As you wish," had been my reply. So, you can imagine my surprise at this most recent text. Perhaps none of you are surprised, as this seems to have become a part of our pattern at this point. In any case, I was immediately conflicted about what to do.
On the one hand, I missed him, I wanted to see him, I've been feeling a little depressed and insecure, I was afraid if I didn't take him up on his offer it might not come again for quite some time. On the other hand, I am two weeks out of surgery, really not in shape to be doing anything other than resting and going to AA, it was after 10:00 PM, and then of course there's my emotional equilibrium.
I wrote back: Not much. Just watched Goya's Ghosts with Bezoukhoff. Wanna meet up?
Narc: Come down.
Hyde: For a few hours?
Narc: That or the night, as you like.
Narc: So? coming?
Hyde: On my way.
And, so I was.
Bezoukhoff joined me for the cab ride down there-- something that hasn't happened since my birthday in 2004 (a crazy and rather unpleasant night which I don't care to remember right now).
When I got upstairs, Narc answered the door naked-- a fact which I wasn't sure whether or not I should acknowledge. So, I smiled sheepishly and didn't comment. Instead, I dropped my bag where I always do and settled in on the couch. Narc did too and soon made an announcement.
"There's a no clothing policy tonight," he said. "All the clothes have to come off."
I found this to be a rather unbelievable comment given both the state of our (friendship? relationship?) and also given the condition of my body at the moment.
"I can't take my clothes off Narc," I said. "I'm still bandaged around my gut!"
"Oh, so you have to be seduced?" he half smirked, half smiled.
"I guess so."
Narc was watching a Planet Earth dvd. It was gorgeous on his huge TV screen, but still a strange sort of choice, I thought. Anyway, it wasn't long before we started making out and then one thing led to another and my clothes came off. Unlike the last time I was there, it felt okay to me emotionally. Unlike the last time, he actually kissed me and held me. But strangely, (super strangely!) I didn't feel in love.
PopStarChick had officially been exorcised from the apartment. It was neat again, as Narc likes it and there was not a trace of her. The only thing new in the apartment was a set of weights.
"Check them out," he said, "You just dial the amount you want to lift and then lift. Give it a try."
"I'm really not supposed to be lifting anything right now," I said.
"So, just do five pounds!"
I did.
While we're on the subject of PopStar, I did ask Narc about her.
"Are you guys still friends? Are you still talking?" I asked him.
"Well, she's back in Russia right now for the month," he said. "But not really. I mean, she's not a nice person as a human being. Everything is always all about her. She uses people. But, I don't know... We'll probably be friends at some point, I suppose. I'm still friends with all of my ex's."
"Well, if she doesn't make you feel good, you don't have to see her," I said. "You have to take care of yourself!"
I was feeling very protective of him at that moment.
"If I avoided people who didn't make me feel good, I wouldn't have any friends," he laughed.
"Oh,"
"Well, at least you didn't get married!" I smiled.
"I know! That's what I told her-- I said thank god for the blood clots because otherwise I really would have married her."
At that I couldn't contain myself and started laughing out loud.
"You actually said that to her?!"
"Yeah. What's the big deal?"
"That you're glad you almost died because the worse alternative is marrying her?"
He laughed too.
After that, Narc wanted to show me the demo of some new video game that is being released on Tuesday--Bioshock. He insisted that I play through it. Despite the fact that I was fumbling with the controllers and didn't know what I was doing, it was beautiful, frightening and engaging. It was set in some sort of underwater "Metropolis" inspired by Ayn Rand. Interesting...
After that, it was getting late, but we watched some more TV and then I insisted on bed. Narc wasn't tired at all, as he had slept in until 6:00 PM that day after another late night of partying with James. (His new neighborhood spot is Cirque Rouge, he explained.)
But, to bed it was. And there I had sex with him for the first time in six months. And it hurt because of the surgery and I felt a little weird, but overall it was nice but I was again strangely unmoved. Narc had two enormous bruises on his body.
"What happened?" I asked.
He shrugged with a half smile. "Late night?" he suggested.
I forgot what that was like.
So much is changing in my life, so much is happening so fast, that I can't quite understand my own feelings right now and in this case, I don't think I should try. Instead, I'm trying to just sit with everything the way it is and let it be okay if my feelings for him are changing. I don't have to be in love with him forever. Do I?
I felt close to him that night, sleeping next to him, but in a "just friends" kind of way. What is happening to me?
The next morning when I woke up, I was in considerable pain, just from the previous night's activities and from trying to sleep on my side so I could cuddle with him (it still hurts to be in positions other than on my back). But I had sex with him again in the morning too because I wanted to. I have a lot of mixed feelings about all of that right now... not because of Narc, but because I'm not sure what my priorities are. It hurt. I had surgery. I wasn't taking care of myself. I want to take care of myself. But I wanted to say "fuck it!" and not worry about anything and not care about myself. I don't care about myself enough. But I care about myself more than I ever did before. Being with him, I used to love neglecting and negating myself. It's cloudier now. I don't know... I don't know how I feel. I'm going to stop writing on this particular subject right now because I just don't know what else to say...
So, that was that. After we got out of bed, Narc took a shower and I got dressed while watching Man vs. Wild. I was sad to go. I really was. He gave me a sweet hug goodbye. I had to leave because I had therapy.
Therapy: Waaaaay too much to discuss!!! The surgery, B's wedding, the stuff with Narc, the fact that I missed about two weeks of AA, LilSis' wedding coming up, school starting and the stress I have over my incompletes. Hardly any of it was accomplished and my therapist is going to be away next week, but at least we made a beginning. I didn't even remember to bring up the antidepressants.
I went off my antidepressants when I got the surgery because I can only take crushed pills right now and when I tried to take them crushed, the taste was so bitter and so disgusting (even hidden in applesauce or a drink) that it made me gag. And gagging hurt like hell when I tried it. (I suggested snorting it, but my mother was not amused!) But I've been starting to feel depressed again the past few days... not just depressed, but that lonely, scratchy, "I want to crawl out of my skin and go out, out, OUT" feeling that I used to get, always preceding a bender, even when I didn't want to drink. Last night that feeling was back with a vengeance. So, I decided to give the antidepressants another go. I gagged again, but I guess I'm healed up enough that gagging wasn't torture. So, hopefully I'll feel better being back on them.
In any case, after therapy yesterday, I quickly ran out of energy. I was absolutely spent and had to spend the rest of the day napping in bed, unable even to get out to AA. I felt really dumb and guilty that I pushed myself so far the night before with Narc and then wasn't even able to do what I needed to do for myself in terms of AA. Hating myself doesn't' do anyone any good though. I think I'm just frustrated. I want this recovery time to be over, but it will probably take a few more weeks. I have no patience. And patience is exactly what I need.
Yesterday was the 30th anniversary of when Elvis died. I wanted to do something fabulous to mark the occasion. It didn't quite work out that way, but StarGazer came over last night to bring me some AA speaker tapes and we ended up talking a lot about Elvis and looking at pictures of him and listening to his music and so, I felt he was honored and that has to be enough for me.
This afternoon I met BigSis for lunch to work on a toast for LilSis' wedding next week. We worked something out and I've got to type it up tonight.
But overall, things are a little weird right now. Hammer has been away for so long. B is away on his honeymoon. Cherubino is away in North Carolina. Anxious is in Salamanca. Bezoukhoff is heading to DC for the weekend. The sky is gray. All of NYC seems empty. I just can't wait for the fall. I can't wait for Rosh Hashana. I am ready for a new year. I can't wait to wear my winter jacket.
Well... I'm going to go back to watching Mystery Diagnosis right now... one of my latest favorite shows.
Hope you are all well!
love,
h
I went with Bezoukhoff and a friend of his to see Goya's Ghost's, a movie that was visually rich with a decidedly creepy (but beautiful) ending. Bezoukhoff brought a friend along from the Sociology department. It's always strange to be around academics from different departments. They just speak differently, or think differently, or something.
Anyway, Bezoukhoff came back to my place with me afterwards. We were chatting and I was winding down towards bedtime (like a good girl who knows how to practice self care) when I got a text from Narc.
Taking a break from the writing. What are you up to tonight?
Wait-- before I go any further with my story, let me first say this-- I had just gotten an email from Narc the day before telling me that he wasn't available to hang out for the foreseeable future. "As you wish," had been my reply. So, you can imagine my surprise at this most recent text. Perhaps none of you are surprised, as this seems to have become a part of our pattern at this point. In any case, I was immediately conflicted about what to do.
On the one hand, I missed him, I wanted to see him, I've been feeling a little depressed and insecure, I was afraid if I didn't take him up on his offer it might not come again for quite some time. On the other hand, I am two weeks out of surgery, really not in shape to be doing anything other than resting and going to AA, it was after 10:00 PM, and then of course there's my emotional equilibrium.
I wrote back: Not much. Just watched Goya's Ghosts with Bezoukhoff. Wanna meet up?
Narc: Come down.
Hyde: For a few hours?
Narc: That or the night, as you like.
Narc: So? coming?
Hyde: On my way.
And, so I was.
Bezoukhoff joined me for the cab ride down there-- something that hasn't happened since my birthday in 2004 (a crazy and rather unpleasant night which I don't care to remember right now).
When I got upstairs, Narc answered the door naked-- a fact which I wasn't sure whether or not I should acknowledge. So, I smiled sheepishly and didn't comment. Instead, I dropped my bag where I always do and settled in on the couch. Narc did too and soon made an announcement.
"There's a no clothing policy tonight," he said. "All the clothes have to come off."
I found this to be a rather unbelievable comment given both the state of our (friendship? relationship?) and also given the condition of my body at the moment.
"I can't take my clothes off Narc," I said. "I'm still bandaged around my gut!"
"Oh, so you have to be seduced?" he half smirked, half smiled.
"I guess so."
Narc was watching a Planet Earth dvd. It was gorgeous on his huge TV screen, but still a strange sort of choice, I thought. Anyway, it wasn't long before we started making out and then one thing led to another and my clothes came off. Unlike the last time I was there, it felt okay to me emotionally. Unlike the last time, he actually kissed me and held me. But strangely, (super strangely!) I didn't feel in love.
PopStarChick had officially been exorcised from the apartment. It was neat again, as Narc likes it and there was not a trace of her. The only thing new in the apartment was a set of weights.
"Check them out," he said, "You just dial the amount you want to lift and then lift. Give it a try."
"I'm really not supposed to be lifting anything right now," I said.
"So, just do five pounds!"
I did.
While we're on the subject of PopStar, I did ask Narc about her.
"Are you guys still friends? Are you still talking?" I asked him.
"Well, she's back in Russia right now for the month," he said. "But not really. I mean, she's not a nice person as a human being. Everything is always all about her. She uses people. But, I don't know... We'll probably be friends at some point, I suppose. I'm still friends with all of my ex's."
"Well, if she doesn't make you feel good, you don't have to see her," I said. "You have to take care of yourself!"
I was feeling very protective of him at that moment.
"If I avoided people who didn't make me feel good, I wouldn't have any friends," he laughed.
"Oh,"
"Well, at least you didn't get married!" I smiled.
"I know! That's what I told her-- I said thank god for the blood clots because otherwise I really would have married her."
At that I couldn't contain myself and started laughing out loud.
"You actually said that to her?!"
"Yeah. What's the big deal?"
"That you're glad you almost died because the worse alternative is marrying her?"
He laughed too.
After that, Narc wanted to show me the demo of some new video game that is being released on Tuesday--Bioshock. He insisted that I play through it. Despite the fact that I was fumbling with the controllers and didn't know what I was doing, it was beautiful, frightening and engaging. It was set in some sort of underwater "Metropolis" inspired by Ayn Rand. Interesting...
After that, it was getting late, but we watched some more TV and then I insisted on bed. Narc wasn't tired at all, as he had slept in until 6:00 PM that day after another late night of partying with James. (His new neighborhood spot is Cirque Rouge, he explained.)
But, to bed it was. And there I had sex with him for the first time in six months. And it hurt because of the surgery and I felt a little weird, but overall it was nice but I was again strangely unmoved. Narc had two enormous bruises on his body.
"What happened?" I asked.
He shrugged with a half smile. "Late night?" he suggested.
I forgot what that was like.
So much is changing in my life, so much is happening so fast, that I can't quite understand my own feelings right now and in this case, I don't think I should try. Instead, I'm trying to just sit with everything the way it is and let it be okay if my feelings for him are changing. I don't have to be in love with him forever. Do I?
I felt close to him that night, sleeping next to him, but in a "just friends" kind of way. What is happening to me?
The next morning when I woke up, I was in considerable pain, just from the previous night's activities and from trying to sleep on my side so I could cuddle with him (it still hurts to be in positions other than on my back). But I had sex with him again in the morning too because I wanted to. I have a lot of mixed feelings about all of that right now... not because of Narc, but because I'm not sure what my priorities are. It hurt. I had surgery. I wasn't taking care of myself. I want to take care of myself. But I wanted to say "fuck it!" and not worry about anything and not care about myself. I don't care about myself enough. But I care about myself more than I ever did before. Being with him, I used to love neglecting and negating myself. It's cloudier now. I don't know... I don't know how I feel. I'm going to stop writing on this particular subject right now because I just don't know what else to say...
So, that was that. After we got out of bed, Narc took a shower and I got dressed while watching Man vs. Wild. I was sad to go. I really was. He gave me a sweet hug goodbye. I had to leave because I had therapy.
Therapy: Waaaaay too much to discuss!!! The surgery, B's wedding, the stuff with Narc, the fact that I missed about two weeks of AA, LilSis' wedding coming up, school starting and the stress I have over my incompletes. Hardly any of it was accomplished and my therapist is going to be away next week, but at least we made a beginning. I didn't even remember to bring up the antidepressants.
I went off my antidepressants when I got the surgery because I can only take crushed pills right now and when I tried to take them crushed, the taste was so bitter and so disgusting (even hidden in applesauce or a drink) that it made me gag. And gagging hurt like hell when I tried it. (I suggested snorting it, but my mother was not amused!) But I've been starting to feel depressed again the past few days... not just depressed, but that lonely, scratchy, "I want to crawl out of my skin and go out, out, OUT" feeling that I used to get, always preceding a bender, even when I didn't want to drink. Last night that feeling was back with a vengeance. So, I decided to give the antidepressants another go. I gagged again, but I guess I'm healed up enough that gagging wasn't torture. So, hopefully I'll feel better being back on them.
In any case, after therapy yesterday, I quickly ran out of energy. I was absolutely spent and had to spend the rest of the day napping in bed, unable even to get out to AA. I felt really dumb and guilty that I pushed myself so far the night before with Narc and then wasn't even able to do what I needed to do for myself in terms of AA. Hating myself doesn't' do anyone any good though. I think I'm just frustrated. I want this recovery time to be over, but it will probably take a few more weeks. I have no patience. And patience is exactly what I need.
Yesterday was the 30th anniversary of when Elvis died. I wanted to do something fabulous to mark the occasion. It didn't quite work out that way, but StarGazer came over last night to bring me some AA speaker tapes and we ended up talking a lot about Elvis and looking at pictures of him and listening to his music and so, I felt he was honored and that has to be enough for me.
This afternoon I met BigSis for lunch to work on a toast for LilSis' wedding next week. We worked something out and I've got to type it up tonight.
But overall, things are a little weird right now. Hammer has been away for so long. B is away on his honeymoon. Cherubino is away in North Carolina. Anxious is in Salamanca. Bezoukhoff is heading to DC for the weekend. The sky is gray. All of NYC seems empty. I just can't wait for the fall. I can't wait for Rosh Hashana. I am ready for a new year. I can't wait to wear my winter jacket.
Well... I'm going to go back to watching Mystery Diagnosis right now... one of my latest favorite shows.
Hope you are all well!
love,
h
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Here's how you know I'm crazy...
Even with a mashed up gut and swollen organs, I slept at Narc's last night...
More later. I'm exhausted right now and need to go nap.
More later. I'm exhausted right now and need to go nap.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Permanence
It's strange... Walking home from AA tonight I've wanted a drink with more intensity than I have for a long, long time. And I think it's because of my fear of change. I thought about my body... and the permanent changes that I've made to it... and what it all means in the big picture. It's really scary to have a fact so bold as that laid out in front of me.
I am a girl who loves permanence. I get tattoos without a moment's hesitation. I declare my undying love for a guy and really genuinely mean it. (And stick to it! And intend to stick to it! (And hate myself for not letting myself go from it!))
But today I felt scared. Today I felt change. A chapter is over. Another chapter is beginning.
I saw GoldenFinch's baby on Saturday. My mom asked how old he is now.
"16 months," she said.
That's one month longer than I have sober, I thought. God willing, BabyBird will always be the same age as my sobriety.
Only this evening on my way home did it occur to me-- that's the first time I've dated his age by my sobriety and not by the fact that he is one month younger than the baby would have been had I carried through with the pregnancy. I've stopped dating things by Narc.
And then I got nervous and thought about being in love with him and tried to feel it, but at that very moment I didn't feel it. I also happened to be passing the Manchester Pub and although I pass it all the time, back was that incredibly magnetic power of addiction, that wave, that pull, beckoning me in. I squinted in through the glass. I could see Sean Duffy on duty. I remembered doing coke in the bathroom there, Narc shoving me up against the wall near the jukebox, hanging out with Dan and Oc the summer I met Dan... I almost thought of going in because Sean Duffy is someone to whom I owe an amends. But I made my feet keep walking.
My life is really different now. My body is different now too. And it all scares the shit out of me... all of that being over, that is.
I called Narc last night, my first night back in my bed, and left him a message. I don't know why I did. I didn't really want to talk to him, nor did I want to see him. It's just that I was more afraid not to do it.
I can't think through this. I don't have the clarity yet and so, I'm just going to go on tomorrow the same way I got past the Manchester Pub tonight-- by putting one foot in front of the other.
It was strange to be back at a meeting. I spent too much time away. Perhaps being back reminded me of the reality of my addiction and that plays a part in all this too. I saw Bezoukhoff this afternoon. It was nice that he came by to see me. We're going to meet up for the movies on Wednesday night.
Anyway, what I originally wanted to talk about was B's wedding... It just seems like too difficult a task... To begin with, I feel guilty calling Drippy "drippy," so I really think I should change her name. How about "Drp?" That's a little less blatant.
The wedding was strange for me. Strange for a whole variety of reasons. The action formally began on Friday afternoon with the rehearsal. LilSis drove me over to my mom's office where I kicked back and waited for her to tie up a few loose ends at work before she drove me into the city.
When I walked into the church, I didn't see B. But I did see his mom, his dad, his aunt and his brother standing in the vestibule outside the chapel where the rehearsal was taking place. I've met his mom twice (once at B's graduation from college in 1999 and once when she came to visit with his dad in 2005) and I've met his dad once and his brother once. So, I felt a little awkward approaching them. His brother's face lit up with recognition when he saw me, followed by an awkward hug from his brother and his mom.
B's brother is ten years younger than he is and was only 8 years old when B left the Philippines for the States. As for his mom, she was never too keen on the fact that B and I were dating back in the day. In fact, as I recall, when he tried to talk to her about it once, she cried and said "I'm not ready."
But at least there were smiles all around. Despite the fact that I was still in some post-surgical pain, I smiled back and found a seat inside the chapel.
Drp's family is from North Dakota farmland. So, it was "rural North Dakota meets Manila" and I, as a lifelong New Yorker, felt oddly out of place for once.
On Saturday, at the wedding itself, my stomach was turning with too many emotions for me to begin to untangle. I was nervous for B. I was angry at B. I was filled with love and affection for B. I was annoyed at Drp. I felt affection for Drp. I wanted a new beginning. I was proud of B. I felt threatened and scared. I felt very old. I remembered old beginnings. I tried very hard to be a good person. I chastised myself for trying to manipulate my own emotions.
The reception was nice. Contessa and her fiancee were there along with GoldenFinch and her husband and the baby. My parents were invited. NDN was my date. But I'm not used to being around alcohol and the smell of the wine bothered me.
B's mom was exuberant and very friendly towards me.
"I guess she's finally 'ready,'" I joked to B.
His brother talked to me for a while too. I was so happy to see his family so happy. They are not a very openly affectionate family and B has always felt like he has to earn their affection and approval. For once, it seemed to be freely given.
But overall, I felt a sort of aching-- not sadness, not happiness, but just ending.
Ending scares me! Ending scares me so much!
Anyway, I would write more right now, but Hammer just came online and NDN is due up here at any minute, so I'll leave it at that.
love,
h
I am a girl who loves permanence. I get tattoos without a moment's hesitation. I declare my undying love for a guy and really genuinely mean it. (And stick to it! And intend to stick to it! (And hate myself for not letting myself go from it!))
But today I felt scared. Today I felt change. A chapter is over. Another chapter is beginning.
I saw GoldenFinch's baby on Saturday. My mom asked how old he is now.
"16 months," she said.
That's one month longer than I have sober, I thought. God willing, BabyBird will always be the same age as my sobriety.
Only this evening on my way home did it occur to me-- that's the first time I've dated his age by my sobriety and not by the fact that he is one month younger than the baby would have been had I carried through with the pregnancy. I've stopped dating things by Narc.
And then I got nervous and thought about being in love with him and tried to feel it, but at that very moment I didn't feel it. I also happened to be passing the Manchester Pub and although I pass it all the time, back was that incredibly magnetic power of addiction, that wave, that pull, beckoning me in. I squinted in through the glass. I could see Sean Duffy on duty. I remembered doing coke in the bathroom there, Narc shoving me up against the wall near the jukebox, hanging out with Dan and Oc the summer I met Dan... I almost thought of going in because Sean Duffy is someone to whom I owe an amends. But I made my feet keep walking.
My life is really different now. My body is different now too. And it all scares the shit out of me... all of that being over, that is.
I called Narc last night, my first night back in my bed, and left him a message. I don't know why I did. I didn't really want to talk to him, nor did I want to see him. It's just that I was more afraid not to do it.
I can't think through this. I don't have the clarity yet and so, I'm just going to go on tomorrow the same way I got past the Manchester Pub tonight-- by putting one foot in front of the other.
It was strange to be back at a meeting. I spent too much time away. Perhaps being back reminded me of the reality of my addiction and that plays a part in all this too. I saw Bezoukhoff this afternoon. It was nice that he came by to see me. We're going to meet up for the movies on Wednesday night.
Anyway, what I originally wanted to talk about was B's wedding... It just seems like too difficult a task... To begin with, I feel guilty calling Drippy "drippy," so I really think I should change her name. How about "Drp?" That's a little less blatant.
The wedding was strange for me. Strange for a whole variety of reasons. The action formally began on Friday afternoon with the rehearsal. LilSis drove me over to my mom's office where I kicked back and waited for her to tie up a few loose ends at work before she drove me into the city.
When I walked into the church, I didn't see B. But I did see his mom, his dad, his aunt and his brother standing in the vestibule outside the chapel where the rehearsal was taking place. I've met his mom twice (once at B's graduation from college in 1999 and once when she came to visit with his dad in 2005) and I've met his dad once and his brother once. So, I felt a little awkward approaching them. His brother's face lit up with recognition when he saw me, followed by an awkward hug from his brother and his mom.
B's brother is ten years younger than he is and was only 8 years old when B left the Philippines for the States. As for his mom, she was never too keen on the fact that B and I were dating back in the day. In fact, as I recall, when he tried to talk to her about it once, she cried and said "I'm not ready."
But at least there were smiles all around. Despite the fact that I was still in some post-surgical pain, I smiled back and found a seat inside the chapel.
Drp's family is from North Dakota farmland. So, it was "rural North Dakota meets Manila" and I, as a lifelong New Yorker, felt oddly out of place for once.
On Saturday, at the wedding itself, my stomach was turning with too many emotions for me to begin to untangle. I was nervous for B. I was angry at B. I was filled with love and affection for B. I was annoyed at Drp. I felt affection for Drp. I wanted a new beginning. I was proud of B. I felt threatened and scared. I felt very old. I remembered old beginnings. I tried very hard to be a good person. I chastised myself for trying to manipulate my own emotions.
The reception was nice. Contessa and her fiancee were there along with GoldenFinch and her husband and the baby. My parents were invited. NDN was my date. But I'm not used to being around alcohol and the smell of the wine bothered me.
B's mom was exuberant and very friendly towards me.
"I guess she's finally 'ready,'" I joked to B.
His brother talked to me for a while too. I was so happy to see his family so happy. They are not a very openly affectionate family and B has always felt like he has to earn their affection and approval. For once, it seemed to be freely given.
But overall, I felt a sort of aching-- not sadness, not happiness, but just ending.
Ending scares me! Ending scares me so much!
Anyway, I would write more right now, but Hammer just came online and NDN is due up here at any minute, so I'll leave it at that.
love,
h
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Long time, No blog...
Wow. I think that's the longest time I've gone without blogging.
I'm finally back in my own apartment. My mom just left after setting me up with all of the supplies I'll need for the rest of my recovery. Yesterday I went to B's wedding. It was really nice, but also strange for me... The wedding was the big event of the week and I'll have to write more about it tomorrow. Other than that just a lot of talk about the wedding plans for LilSis. She and JBC are tying the knot on August 24th. I can't believe it's coming up already! A few strange texts with Narc this week as well, but nothing groundbreaking in that department... We still haven't really spoken in a while.
Um... well, that's it for now. I'll be back with a longer post in the morning. For now, I am going to just relax and appreciate my home, my cat, my things... I've missed the blog and all of you!
Lots of love,
Hyde
I'm finally back in my own apartment. My mom just left after setting me up with all of the supplies I'll need for the rest of my recovery. Yesterday I went to B's wedding. It was really nice, but also strange for me... The wedding was the big event of the week and I'll have to write more about it tomorrow. Other than that just a lot of talk about the wedding plans for LilSis. She and JBC are tying the knot on August 24th. I can't believe it's coming up already! A few strange texts with Narc this week as well, but nothing groundbreaking in that department... We still haven't really spoken in a while.
Um... well, that's it for now. I'll be back with a longer post in the morning. For now, I am going to just relax and appreciate my home, my cat, my things... I've missed the blog and all of you!
Lots of love,
Hyde
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Recuperation
I'm writing from my parent's computer, so I'll have to be brief.
I survived the surgery! I was in the hospital from Thursday though Sunday. It wasn't easy, although everything went "perfectly" according to all the doctors. I was on a morphine pump for the first few days and in a hell of a lot of pain. Brick's boyfriend works at the hospital and came by to introduce himself to me. It was a strange way to meet someone. I had a lot of visitors-- B came twice, Cherubino came twice, my sisters came, my parents, my aunt and Meema, Slope, StarGazer, and L-- another woman from AA. I can't say I was really up for the visitors though. I've just basically been coping with pain.
I moved from the hospital to my parents place on Sunday afternoon. Things are slowly getting better-- better enough today that I'm able to sit upright at a computer. GoldenFinch is supposed to come by and see me today.
B is getting married on Saturday. I wonder what kind of shape I'll be in for the wedding.
I had a strange dream last night that I was proposed to by both Narc and by "Clint Buchanan" from One Life to Live. I accepted both proposals and then didn't know what to do. I have no clue what that dream is about except that I've been watching too much of the soap opera.
Speaking of N, he must be back from LA because he left me a voice mail this morning at 7:30 AM. I've been waking up really early this week (used to the hospital schedule) and was already in the kitchen with my mom trying to down some soupy oatmeal. He was drunk in his message and said it was "late at night" even though it was 7:30 AM. I am beginning to feel very far away from a world in which that makes any sense.
In any case, I think I'll go lay down again for a bit. Just wanted to get a post in to tell you all I am alive and recovering.
love,
h
I survived the surgery! I was in the hospital from Thursday though Sunday. It wasn't easy, although everything went "perfectly" according to all the doctors. I was on a morphine pump for the first few days and in a hell of a lot of pain. Brick's boyfriend works at the hospital and came by to introduce himself to me. It was a strange way to meet someone. I had a lot of visitors-- B came twice, Cherubino came twice, my sisters came, my parents, my aunt and Meema, Slope, StarGazer, and L-- another woman from AA. I can't say I was really up for the visitors though. I've just basically been coping with pain.
I moved from the hospital to my parents place on Sunday afternoon. Things are slowly getting better-- better enough today that I'm able to sit upright at a computer. GoldenFinch is supposed to come by and see me today.
B is getting married on Saturday. I wonder what kind of shape I'll be in for the wedding.
I had a strange dream last night that I was proposed to by both Narc and by "Clint Buchanan" from One Life to Live. I accepted both proposals and then didn't know what to do. I have no clue what that dream is about except that I've been watching too much of the soap opera.
Speaking of N, he must be back from LA because he left me a voice mail this morning at 7:30 AM. I've been waking up really early this week (used to the hospital schedule) and was already in the kitchen with my mom trying to down some soupy oatmeal. He was drunk in his message and said it was "late at night" even though it was 7:30 AM. I am beginning to feel very far away from a world in which that makes any sense.
In any case, I think I'll go lay down again for a bit. Just wanted to get a post in to tell you all I am alive and recovering.
love,
h
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
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