Last weekend was fun... on Saturday I met an old college friend of NDN's and we all went for Dim Sum down in Chinatown. It was a strange gathering-- NDN's friend (AKA "BigFish") was an interesting character and he left NDN and I with much to gossip about afterwards.
On Saturday night I went out with some AA people to celebrate an anniversary... it was fun. Not much else to say about it.
Sunday was LilSis' bridal shower. We had it in an Armenian restaurant in Bayside. It's a cute little place where we went for Mother's Day once a few years ago. My parents rented out the place for the afternoon. My mom planned the party with the theme of "LilSis and JBC in the future" and she hired a psychic to come do readings. There's a tradition, in my family, of offering elaborate amateur entertainment at every party, and my mom and cousins Jail and Jol wrote some kind of mini-play about LilSis and JBC. Jail and Jol dressed up like them and sang a new version of "I Got You Babe." I had to play a psychic within the skit and predict the future for LilSis and JBC. It included bursting out into a song that my mom wrote to the tune of Peggy Lee's "Manana." Don't even ask... I was worried that the real psychic there would get offended when I dressed up like her, but she didn't seem to care...
Anyway, after that semi-absurd event (which LilSis seemed to appreciate), I headed back to the city and went to bed relatively early out of sheer exhaustion.
On Monday I was running around all morning dealing with some medical stuff that I don't really want to blog about. In the afternoon I met Hammer to see La Vie en Rose. I absolutely LOVED that movie. I loved her relationship with Marcel. I loved seeing a "whole human life" lived in her music. I loved watching her struggle to overcome and the ambivalence of a life that never has a "happily ever after." I don't know why it moved me so much, and I don't care to know, beyond that...
Here are some pictures from the film...
Anyway... I loved it so much that I went to see it again on Wednesday. I have been singing Edith Piaf songs all week long and I even bought some red lipstick yesterday. I am inspired. It is the reddest of red... really, really, red. I think I needed it. I think I'll wear it again today.
I don't really know how to describe the rest of my week except for "cranky." I have been thinking about Narc a lot (but then, what else is new, right?). I have also been trying to deal with this health stuff and that has me under a lot of stress. And then there's teaching-- on the one hand, it's fun to rip through a ton of material at super-speed, the way the summer course requires. On the other hand, it's physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting to lecture for two and a half hours a day, racing through the 19th century by the week's end.
And then there is the topic of Tuesday night's "qualification." I was super stressed about it... there are nearly 400 people that come to that meeting! I wrote out something in advance and read it to Hammer and the Alaskan on Monday afternoon. When Tuesday came around, I found myself wanting to snap at everyone, probably because I was stressed. NDN came to the meeting and sat with Meema. Pixie said a prayer with me before I spoke. (I texted Brick asking him if he wanted to come, but he never responded. It's just a side note, but I think that is finally the end of that.) And then I spoke. And I don't know what came out of me, but something did. And it had nearly nothing in common with what I had prepared. But as I spoke, with each passing sentence I gained confidence. When it was over, everyone was so enthusiastic and complementary. Over and over people told me that I had a "really great message." One man, a newcomer, even came up to me and told me that he wrote down things that I said.
"I saw you at the diner last week," he said, "and you really helped me then too... Every time you speak it has such a calming effect on me. I just really wanted to thank you for that..."
Who would have thought?
In any case, it felt really good to get such positive feedback. After the meeting I headed over to the diner with the group to celebrate yet another friend's anniversary. I ended up sitting with two guys-- one named for a hero of the French Revolution and another just out of rehab, living in a halfway house in Brooklyn.
On Wednesday, like I said, I saw the movie again, and I spent part of the afternoon with B. Bezoukhoff came over that evening and we ate sushi (and fried ice cream) and sang some Gilbert and Sullivan and Soviet love songs to Lenin. (Like this classic little number that says "Lenin is alive and Lenin is always with you.")
Yesterday, after teaching, I forgot to eat all day, so by the time I got to therapy I was really irritable. I feel like I stopped believing in God this week for some reason, so that's mostly what I talked about. I would blog about it all, but I've already mentally struggled with it ad nauseam and I don't really want to go into again right now. I've been feeling rebellious, though... angry at AA and irritated at everyone and part of me wants to just say "fuck it!" to the whole thing. On the other hand, I can't deny how much my life has improved in sobriety and I don't want to do anything stupid either. So... with no other form of escapism available to me, movies about Edith Piaf and songs about Lenin will have to suffice. But I miss Narc and I hate that I still do. I can't wait to be over him!
Last night before AA I finished my seventh step... Moving right along with all of that... Afterwards, I met Dan for dinner at Blockhead's. It was good to see him, but I was exhausted.
And that takes us to today... My house is still a wreck. I haven't been eating regularly, opening my mail, doing the dishes or taking care of any of those "basic life" tasks that I worked so hard last summer to be able to manage. So, I think I need to drastically slow things down this week and practice a little more self-care. Maybe it will help me feel better overall. I was supposed to host a Roman banquet this weekend, but I cancelled it. I just can't manage everything right now. Besides, I have to go home on Sunday for Father's Day...
Right now I'm listening to this song-- when you have no answers, Lenin will help you.
Yeah? Well, where's Lenin when I need him?
love,
h
4 comments:
You must be patient. Lenin will be with you after the beep...
I'm always curious about Psychics.
What did she say? Do you feel it was relevant/had a ring of truth in it? or was it just good showmanship?
Charby, I generally don't like psychics after the bad experience I had in 2004, and the one at my sister's party was mostly just for fun, but I once visited a psychic in New Orleans and she was dead on. That was nearly 10 years ago already, but read what she said-- it's eerie. I posted it HERE
Told you it wouldn't matter what you planned ahead of time- it never seems to be what comes out! *G* Congratulations on getting through it with honesty and grace.
I'm glad you're taking some time to take care of yourself, too. You need and deserve that time. :0)
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