I'm struggling lately in a whole new way and I really don't even know how to articulate what's going on with me... fear... confusion... depression. The chaos is calmed, the drama is dwindling, yet I feel desperate to crawl into bed and never come out.
I've also been feeling angrier lately-- irritated with people, frustrated, unhappy, and struggling with AA, feeling like what I'm going through now isn't the same as what other people are going through. It's not about "drinking," it's about everything else that I now have to deal with in life.
Yesterday I felt suicidal and imagined swallowing my whole bottle of lunesta. I can see now how that's selfish, and it's not really something I'm planning on doing, but my mind just wants an out... I want a way to opt out.
All of this is putting chinks in my spiritual armor. The tentative relationship with "god" that I was beginning to form seems to have disappeared. I feel like my needs aren't being met. I feel like there's no room for my feelings because in AA everyone tries to stay positive for the newcomer. I could talk to my sponsor, but my sponsor doesn't seem to think it's a good idea for me to curl up into a fetal position and stop functioning. I'm living with a newfound willfulness.
I'm physically uncomfortable and incredibly frustrated with my health situation and it's been maddening trying to deal with the medical establishment. Wasn't I supposed to get healthy in sobriety? Aren't I entitled to that? To a greater physical comfort after all of my work? I'm feeling bitter. Isn't life supposed to be more sweetness and light?
If I'm supposed to be feeling better, why am I often feeling worse? Why do I wish with more and more frequency that I could go back to some of what was?
I talked to my mom about all this the other day and she found a book called Second Year Sobriety. She ordered it for me and I started to read it today. It's funny... I've been feeling so misunderstood and alone lately, and yet there it was in black and white print-- that the second year can bring feelings of being misunderstood, different, separate, anger at AA...
The first thing the author suggests that I do... slow down and take stock of what I have accomplished this first year.
So, I have... And here it is.
I guess there are the basic miracles-- that I have learned to go to sleep at night without a boy or a bottle. I wash my face before bed now and don't ever wake up with my eyelids crusted closed and mascara coming out my nose. There's no more waking up in strange places, with strange bruises or mysterious used condoms on the floor. There's no more trying to recreate what happened in a blackout, or looking at my cat in the morning wishing he could tell me what he had seen, (while infinitely grateful for his silence on the matter).
When I leave my house I'm not desperately seeking a Red Bull/Gatorade cocktail to stabilize myself. I don't go to teach while coming down off coke, reeking of whisky, trying to process the alcohol out of my body. I am becoming more honest and open with my family (and myself). I am slowly, but surely crawling out of the hole I created in my studies and rebuilding my self-esteem.
And I've survived a hell of a lot without a drink... things I never thought I'd get through... Some of the things that happened this year, things I survived without drinking...
- Narc shaking me and telling me not to go to AA because he "loves me"
- Narc getting really sick and becoming hospitalized and relying on me to get him through it (without so much as a "thank you.")
- B getting engaged
- All of the tension between me and B's fiance
- Losing Narc (in the various stages that it occurred)
- Brick blowing me off and ending our friendship for no reason
- The Fourth of July, my Birthday, New Year's Eve, St. Patty's Day and Cinco de Mayo
- Traveling
- The decision to switch sponsors (and telling my previous sponsor that I wanted to change!)
- Confusion letting TT kiss me despite my feelings for Narc
- Facing certain memories in therapy
- Dragging up my entire past in my fourth step (and sharing it all with someone in my fifth!)
- My first academic conference
- Speaking in front of 400 people at AA
- The anniversary of my dad's death
- The anniversary of the pregnancy termination
- The anxiety around my 1-year anniversary of sobriety
- All of the awful stress around the health stuff I've had to deal with in the past three months!!!
- And just the general state of loneliness, fear, apprehension and anger-- anger that is surfacing for the first time ever.
But it's hard. Because the lesson of the day is that a sober life is not necessarily a happy life. It's just one in which you are present and clear-minded, but you still have to deal with all the emotional crap that got blotted out while drinking. I don't know how to do that yet.
I'm feeling so much pressure to be better. To have some recovery. I'm not better. I'm not recovered. I'm still sick. I'm just sick and sober.
Sick and sober.
But reading this book has let me know that at least I'm not alone. One of the recovering addicts mentioned in the book puts it perfectly--
"It really amounts to working the First Step all over again. Surrendering to my powerless over who I am right at the moment. I can't pretend to have insights I don't have."
I do miss Narc. I'm angry and depressed and unhappy. I'm pissed off that I'm not feeling better. And I feel those things because I'm sober.
What a mixed blessing...
-h-
6 comments:
Dearest Hyde-
Question. Will you ever be able to live without Narc? Ever?
I'm already living without him.
That is the best response Hyde!
YOU ARE LIVING!
P.S. Thanks for you support over at my page. Just doing some soul searching, ya know.
I know we are living very different experiences, but I resonated a lot with what you said. I'm being challenged to be present not only for other people these days, but for myself in ways that are uncomfortable and that I haven't learned how to cope with entirely. It sucks. It sucks, a lot.
Your in my thoughts. I hope the solstice is good for you.
There's a saying: I came for my drinking, but stayed for my thinking.
Life doesn't stop happening, and it isn't always going to be good. The difference is that we learn how to handle when things go badly, and to ask for help to get through it when we need to.
We also learn how to celebrate the good times without getting drunk, or how to simply be. But it won't be handed over like a trophy.
It's A Day At A Time program- all we have is today, and most of the people I know in the program start every day with a renewal of the first step to remind themselves of who they are and what they want, turning their day over to their higher power. And remember, too, that you can start your day over at any time if you need to. When it gets to be too much, take a deep breath, then move on.
*hug*
I don't pretend to know what you are dealing with, but I am impressed by your constant willingness to go on with the struggle...even when you say you don't want to, you always move forward. :)
Post a Comment