I am SO Fucking Confused!

It's never ending-- that turning of the wheels in my head, that is...

All week long I've been feeling edgy, slightly rebellious, slightly resentful. I understand giving up drinking. I remember very clearly what it did to my life. But giving up drama? Giving up self-indulgent moodiness? Giving up self-centerdness? Is that really the only way to stay sober? I'd like to think not...

I felt Narc slipping away this week... like a shadow. I was starting to feel a new self, really and truly. And with that new self was a waterfall of fear, drowning me, pounding my shoulders and blurring my vision. There is not much to do about the fear, though. After all, fearful or fearless, the future is coming.

So, I've decided to try to keep myself a little bit busier and a little bit calmer all at the same time. Yesterday was certainly a busy day. I taught in the morning (my favorite-- the Fin-de-Siecle "Crisis of Modernity"!) and then I came home, ate a few frozen strawberries, watched part of One Life to Live and turned around to meet Hammer down in the Village for lunch. We ate at Isle on Bleeker. I really miss talking to Hammer even when I don't talk to her for a few days... I'm just on a comfortable wavelength with her and there's nothing required of me. It's nice.

In any case, after lunch, I went back to her apartment where we bummed around for a while and then I headed into Midtown to meet Cherubino. Cherubino and I are now studying from the same voice teacher and she invited me to hear her lesson. It was great. She is a (coloratura?) mezzo and was tearing through some Purcell and Rossinni runs with magnificent gusto. We had a quick bite at the diner afterwards and then I headed back to my place to do a quick turnaround before meeting Dan at the movies.

Dan and I went to see Knocked Up. It was funny... I'm sure it was funny. But I probably shouldn't have seen it. It was sort of like one big mind-fuck, given my issues on that topic. It made me want to cry.

When we got out of the film, I needed to take a breather and splash some water on my face and recenter myself, so I headed into the ladies room. Coming out, I turned my phone one. I had one new message. It was Narc and he sounded strangely out of breath.

Uh, hey Hyde. It's Narc. It's about 8:30 on Wednesday. I'm trying your cell phone and, um... I guess I'll try your landline. Alright. Bye.

I can't tell you how weird it was to hear his voice-- to hear him same my name. I haven't heard his voice in FOUR MONTHS! I immediately felt weak in my knees. My chest was tight and I couldn't breathe. I could hear myself gulping for air, but didn't feel any coming in. I came out of the bathroom. Dan was waiting for me right down the corridor. I signaled to him that I would be another minute, leaned against a wall and called Narc back.

"Hydeeen," he answered, with a drawn out rumble. His voice was rumbling.

"Narc," I said.

"It's so weird to hear your ring-tone again."

"Um... yeah. It's been a while," I said.

"So... I was out with friends, but I just had to come back. They're all out. All of them!"

He was definitely drunk.

"Listen, Narc... I'm actually out with a friend right now too. I just wanted to call back. Um..." I could barely speak. "Can I call you back later?"

"When?"

"Later."

"When?"

"In an hour."

"Yeah. Alright. Call me back."

I'm not kidding when I tell you that I was barely standing. I don't know what I would have done had Dan not been there. I explained to him what happened and told him that I felt faint.

"We need to find you a place where you can sit," he said. He gave me a huge hug. I was shaking.

Dan and I walked across the street to Starbucks. I felt dizzy, probably because of the desperate gulping for air.

You can feel your feelings. You don't need to drink. You CAN feel your feelings, I kept telling myself.

Dan and I sat down to talk it through. He calmed me down a lot. I was so grateful for him. In the midst of all that, Narc sent me a text:

Company tonight? Just friendly. Just thinking it would be nice.

I didn't know what to say. A thousand possible responses were racing through my mind. The good thing? They were all "no" answers, but I didn't know how to say no or even if I should answer at all. But I guess he didn't want to wait for a response, because he called a moment later. I took the call, figuring it was better to deal with it in Dan's company.

It was an awkward phone call and I don't think I can reproduce it here. Narc said he missed me and he wanted to hang out.

"What about your girlfriend?" I asked.

"That? That's over!" he said. "Over. Didn't I tell you that in the message?"

"No. Over as of when?"

"Oh, two to three weeks ago." His words were still slurring together. "She used me and abused me and then tossed me to the curb," he laughed. "My friends were right. They were all right. I don't know... Maybe everyone just has to date a pretty Russian chick once. It's a right of passage or something. Relationship puberty."

"Are you okay?" I ventured.

"Yeah... depressed, but I'm okay. Would be better if you were here."

"I'm sorry you had to go through that, Narc," I said. "But I don't think it's a good idea about tonight."

"Why not? What's the big deal?"

"You know my feelings for you," I said. "I just can't. Besides, I have to teach in the morning, and I'm with a friend right now. I'm being rude. I really have to get off the phone."

"Fine. FINE! Go be with your friend. I'll be fine," he said.

But now I felt guilty.

"I'll call you later."

"See you later?"

"I can't see you later, but I'll call you later."

When I got off the phone, Dan and I sat there on 2nd Avenue for another twenty minutes. I left a message for my sponsor. Narc texted me again:

Watching "Lost boys," watching Kiefer post 24... too funny.

It was as if nothing had happened between February and now.

I was on the verge of tears, but at the same time felt stronger than ever before. He reminded me to stay in the moment, to not think my way into making problems bigger than they are, and that I am okay. Finally, I had it in me to walk back to my place.

Dan suggested that I turn my phone off for the night, but I was reluctant. I had told Narc I would call him back and as much as I didn't want to, I wanted to. In any event, just as I was about to turn off my phone, it buzzed. It was BigSis. I had to take the call. I said goodnight to Dan with another hug and turned to head into the building.

Back at my place, I talked to BigSis on the phone for a while. After we hung up, waves of anxiety still welling in my chest, I closed my eyes and called him back.

"Hydeeeen...." he said, with that same drawn out rumble.

I wanted to melt. I hate that I wanted to melt, but I did.

This conversation was considerably longer... He asked if he could come over to my place. I said "no."

"It's not to be sexual," he said. "I just want to see you... I just need to be with someone right now."

"It's not good for me," I told him. "I still have feelings for you and I need to sort all of that out!"

"I thought you'd have that all sorted out by now!" he laughed. There was something cruel in his laugh. "I thought I'd find you the 'new and improved' Super-Hyde-- all trim and tough and 'Full Metal Jacket,'" he said.

"How do you know I'm not?" I laughed, despite the fact that two minutes in he was already hurting my feelings.

"You're not," he said, the words tripping together.

"You found me more honest," I told him. "And I'm not ready to see you. I need to process. I told you-- my heart is fixed where it is, but I'm done letting it lead me around by the nose."

"I gave up the booze, Hyde!" he said, suddenly changing the subject. "I gave up the booze, but now I'm back on. Now I'm drinking a nice--cold--glass of vodka and it's d-e-licious."

He clinked the ice cubes up against the side of the glass so that I could hear it through the phone. More cruelty.

"You gave up booze?" I asked, incredulously. "Since when?" "Since this morning. But now I'm back on. And it's great!"

He slurped his drink loudly enough that I could hear.

"Well, I hope you're enjoying the vodka," I laughed, a choke in my throat. "You'll have to enjoy it enough for both of us, because I'm still sober."

"Your not missing much," he said, seemingly shifting moods again. "It's not worth it. It's good in the moment. I mean-- don't get me wrong-- it's great in the moment. But then you're just more depressed than ever when it's gone."

"Yeah, I remember that part."

"How's your health?" I asked.

"My health?"

"Your health."

"I don't know Hyde," he slurred and laughed. "It sucks as much as anyone living in New York."

I'm not sure I understood that answer, but I laughed anyway.

"But your blood tests are all coming back okay? And you're feeling okay?"

"Yeah, yeah... I'm okay."

"Good."

"Hydeeen... Hydeeeen!" he said, repeating my name over and over.

"Narc, Narc, Narc," I nervously replied.

I told him that I had to get going because I had to wake up at 7:00 AM the next morning.

"You're teaching this summer? What's the point of being a professor? I thought you were supposed to get off!"

"Well, I needed the extra cash, I guess."

"I should get my hands on those malleable young minds," he said. "I'd make them all read The Man Without Qualities. I should mold their minds."

"Narc, it would scare the shit out of me to see you molding anyone's mind," I laughed. And this time, I really laughed.

"I'd tell them it's all bullshit. All that crap they learn. Bullshit!"

Hmmm... So, to summarize the number of ways in which I had been insulted up to that point-- He said he only wanted to be with someone (anyone?) because he was depressed.
-He said I wasn't mentally or physically fit (with his "Full Metal Jacket" comment)
-He taunted me with his vodka
-He said the only point to my job is free time int he summer and that teaching is bullshit.

Anyway, the conversation went on for a while longer. He said that he's been playing "Resident Evil IV" which just came out for Wii.

What was I thinking that his life had changed? Drunk, depressed and alone on a Wednesday night playing Resident Evil.

"That's the game were you were scared of the chainsaw guys," he explained.

"Yeah, I remember."

He mentioned that he saw me online once-- he saw my little "photobooth photo" I use for my IM icon.

"I never see you on there," I said.

And that was basically that.

After we hung up, it was nearly 1:00 AM. I wanted to blog, but my internet wasn't connecting. I checked my landline answering machine and heard the message he left. It was softer.

Wow. Very succinct.

Hey, Hyde. It's Narc.

I just called your cell, but got a same voice mail. So, now I'm trying your landline.

Well... Um... I don't know what to say.

Um... I broke up with PopStar and, uh.... We're all done and I guess I'm just... I guess I've got to thank your for something. And I went out with a couple of friends tonight-- went out drinking. And I just-- I just couldn't get into it. I don't know... Um... I couldn't join the camaraderie. And I came back. And I wanted to talk to you... wanted to talk to you about that. But you're out.

But... um... I'm sure you've written me off... long ago and rightfully so. But, um... I hope that you hear my message and maybe that you'll--

And then his message got cut off.

I felt myself melting even more. I was nauseated. I sent him a text.

Just heard the message you left on my home phone. It struck me. We need to talk at some point in the daylight hours. Waiting for sleep to come now.

He wrote back:
Ah yes, trading one drug for another... I want to see you, Hyde, but not if it's going to fuck up your shit...

My reply?
I'm confused about what you want from me. I used to think I understood you. But I can't fool myself anymore. That's why I want to talk things out at some point. To clear it up. Anyway, good night.

And I didn't hear from him again.

Anyway, I don't have time to blog much more right now, but I spoke to my sponsor about all of it today. She told me to go pick up trash in the street and to call some newcomers.

"That's what you have to do if you want to get better," she said.

"I don't know what I want when it comes to this," I told her. "I don't know if I want to get better."

She paused.

"Well, if that's the case, do what you want, but don't talk to me about it. Don't expect to me to help you if you choose to walk into pain. Don't ask me to pick up the pieces."

"I'm confused," I said.

"Maybe you should take another look at your fourth step."

I was glad she told me to "do what I want" and not to talk to her about it. It felt liberating, but it made me feel sick and guilty and bad.

I'm filled with so much confusion right now... so much ambivilence. I just don't know what I want anymore.

I can't fucking deal. I'm going to meet B for lunch.

later....

h