Fin-de-Narc

I finally have some relief. That's not to say that I'm not sad, wistful, uncomfortable... but I'm relieved. For the first time ever, I feel okay with the fact that it is over. And so, perhaps, the obsession will lift and this time the ending will stick.

In any case, after that conversation on Wednesday night, I was left in knots, half hopeful and half despairing. My Id and my Super-Ego were in a perfect act of tug-of-war, leaving me paralyzed to act. In short, my "Ego" was going haywire.

I had a not-so-nice conversation with my sponsor about all of it on Thursday and then I left for Vermont on Friday. An update about the trip will follow. I couldn't stop thinking about Narc though... not for one second. Narc, Narc, Narc... and how I love him. But I was determined not to call him.

So, I was not in great shape.

On Sunday, he texted me at around 1:30 PM:
Just waking up. You?

And then:
Brunch?

As I was in VT, there was nothing to do except to tell him that I would call him when I got back.

Which I did.

He didn't answer the phone when I called. I felt anxious and unsure.

Hey Narc, it's me, I said. Just calling because I said I would. I'm back from Vermont and it's kind of late, so I guess I'm just going to get some dinner and take a shower and stuff. Call me back if you want.

He didn't call back, but he texted back an hour or so later:

Hey you, got your message, love to hang out. But given the mood I'm in, don't really trust myself around you just yet. Enjoy din. Will call in a bit.

I wrote back:

Ha ha... You are cute. Ok. Probably a good thing, given my mood too. Have a good night then and call whenever... I am teaching T, W, Th these days...

He didn't call. And I felt stupid for what I wrote. But it was done, so, that was that...

Not so, however, for my obsessive mind.

I continued to think about him all day on Monday until the point I thought I would explode. The ambiguity of it all, the unease of "Hyde and Narc," the roller coaster... I can't do it again. I can't, I can't, I can't! Regardless of what he wanted from me, I needed to get answers. Too much is dependent on my peace of mind. I have so much in my life right now, I can't afford to fall into the black hole of Narc obsession. So, I called him again.

Hey, it's me, I said. I just really wanted to talk to you about some things... I don't know... I don't want to leave this sort of message on your machine, but we need to talk. Call me back tonight if you can. I'm going to bed at around midnight. Otherwise, let's talk later in the week.

He didn't call me back. He didn't call me the next day either. And the knots in my stomach continued to twist themselves tighter, yanking me along with them.

Tuesday was an exhausting day for me. I didn't do much, but I felt on the verge of collapse. Narc inspires a nervous condition in me-- a sort of hysteria that it takes every ounce of myself to control. I don't have the energy to spare anymore. I wasn't up for the ride.

That night, laying in bed, I decided I had to do something.

You can't expect anything from him, Hyde! I told myself. Whatever you do has to be honest and has to be for your own peace of mind and you CAN NOT do something expecting a certain response from him.

I wasn't sure what to do, though. So, I fired off an email on impulse and felt both sick and good about it after. Here's what I said (in an only slightly edited format. I took out one part that was too personal)...

**************
Subject: All Things Considered
Message:

Hey,

I left you a message last night. I'm not sure whether or not you got it, but I decided to not wait for you to call me back. There are just a few things I needed to say without delay.

You disappeared for a long time. I had pretty much taken it as a sign that you didn't want to be in my life in any way at all. As much as it hurt, I was coming to terms with that and moving in other directions. I had accepted it. But now, I am a little confused by your messages to me this week. I'm not quite sure what's going on...

Do you want to be friends with me? Do you want to sleep with me? Do you want to stay in contact (in a weird ambiguous way) just in case at some point in the future you may want to be friends with and/or sleep with me? Are we even friends?

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but since you called me last Wednesday, I have been really thrown. It has messed with my equilibrium and I want to settle my mind somewhere. (As you know, "my equilibrium" is not an easy thing to come by!) It would give me some peace to know your intentions. (that, is, if you even know your own intentions...)

I'm not going to lie-- I had written you off, but you have reentered my thoughts. Hearing your voice... I don't know... I have been thinking about you a lot this week... I'm trying not to think about all that. It's just very hard for me not to know what to expect from you. I need to figure out what I want for my own life right now. And I guess what I'm asking is for you to be as open with me as you can.

If you don't want to answer this email and if you don't want to talk, I'll take that for what it is... I just feel better having said what I needed to say. I don't want anything from you, Narc, except to know what's going on... I can't wait for the phone to ring.

lots of love,
hyde

**************

And then I waited. I waited for a response. And when none came, I went to sleep. I am shocked at how well I slept last night. Just writing the email did give me peace of mind. I felt grateful. I felt a little liberated.

It doesn't matter whether or not he answers you, I thought. You told him the truth. No more games. And the truth is okay.

But perhaps truth brings truth... Because when I woke up, I did have an answer. I'm still not entirely sure how I feel about his letter, except that I am very grateful for it.

**************

Hyde-- apologies for my lack of communication over the past few days, but I literally lost my voice a couple of days ago (who knows--one cigarette too many on a late evening out with the guys, I guess...) and am just now getting it back. Of course I could have written, yes, but honestly I'm dealing with the most terrible depression I've had in a long time (you know, the kind in which it's all you can manage to even get yourself up and out of bed in the morning), and yes, I did, at one point, think that I might finally need someone to talk to, and there really wasn't anyone else out there, and I thought, well, you know, it's been a while since I spoke with Hyde, maybe she might like to hang out and lend an ear, but then... After we spoke, I don't know--I'd assumed you'd (as your put it) "written me off" (as you should have long ago, in that one particular sense), but then, when you went into this thing about thinking how awkward it might be, for us to hang out (with certain kinds of thoughts possibly resurfacing)... I think it was right around that point that I realized it's probably always going to be this way, between us, and hence, I don't really know, then, how we can hope to maintain even a casual friendship as a result.

I mean, I don't know--I don't want it to sound as dire as all that... Of course I do still want to chat and/or hang out at some point in the future, and surely we'll do that, but if we're in even the slightest danger of falling back into bad old patterns from way back when, then perhaps it'd best for both of us if we beg off contact for a little while. PopStar is indeed still here in the apartment, we're working out a staged separation (as she has absolutely nowhere to go, and as I go can't exactly put her out on the street with her belongings)--and as you can imagine, it isn't exactly paradise, this thing of continuing to live with someone when it's already been decided it's over and all you have left to do is nail down the timeline and logistics for the Big Move Out (surely there's an Iraq War metaphor in there somewhere); but even so, I imagine it would, for you and I both, come off as a trifle odd for me to spend several hours unloading onto you about what a terrible mistake the whole Move In was in the first place (and then, worse, as I mentioned before, possibly fall back into bad old habits immediately after).

So yes, I'm glad we spoke for just a little while there the other day, and I'm sure we'll speak as friends at some point in the future, but in the meantime, probably best for both of us if I work all this out on my own, as this Book of Feelings really doesn't need to be re-opened...

'Til next time hon, take care, be well

--Narc

**************

I loved him for that letter. For respecting my boundaries, for telling me the truth about where he is, for shutting off the "game" of how we can best "use" each other and for slicing through the layers of his self-inflation. I loved him for his honesty. So, I wrote back:

**************

Ok. Thank you so much for letting me know. I really appreciate it. I want so much for you to be happy and I'm sorry for how you are feeling. B stayed living with me for a month and a half after we broke up for the same reason-- he had nowhere to go. So, I kind of know how that feels and it's awful. But please, take care of yourself. If you don't do it, no one else will.

I am so grateful for your honesty right now. I am going to continue on in the direction I was headed and perhaps your depression will lift... and then, who knows-- maybe in a few months a "friendship" thing might be a little more feasible. In any case, I don't want to lose touch altogether, as you will always hold a place in my heart.

I know that my saying "feel better" has absolutely no impact on your depression, so I won't say it... but I'll try to send you some positive energy. Good luck with everything.

And thanks again for answering my questions and for your honesty.

lots of love,
Hyde

**************

And I feel at peace with that. I really do. Pain... but peace.

It's time to end the wreckage and pick up the pieces. I can still love him, but I don't have to see him right now. I think I'm finally ready to really move on.

Love,
h

PS: I'm feeling really fragile right now, so while I always appreciate honest comments, please don't say anything mean about him... I'm doing my best. -h-