The Man of my Dreams

Dream-O-Meter...

I had a really strange dream just before I woke up this morning. I don't have time to write it all out now, but I have to say something before I forget it all...

I dreamed that Narc finally called me. He wanted to meet me for lunch. I was thrilled and overwhelmed.

"I've missed you so much," he said. "I was wrong not to call you. And I want to see you."

I agreed to meet him, but for some reason we had to go for lunch with BigSis as well and some other people (I can't remember who else was there.)

The restaurant we chose was on top of an enormous hill. Narc met us on the bottom. He gave me the longest hug when I saw him. I buried my head between his neck and shoulder.

"I don't ever want to leave this kweba," I said.

(That's really strange, I have to note, because that's something I used to say to B. "Kweba" means "cave" in Tagalog.)

"I don't want you to either he said," laughing at me and kissing my hair.

We started to walk up the hill. My sister and the others were ahead of us and Narc lagged behind to talk to me. (Something he would NEVER have done in real life!)

"I have to say, I'm confused," he began.

"About what?"

"About marriage. I want to marry PopStarChick, but she doesn't want to marry. She looked at me square in the eye and told me that she's in no rush."

In my dream, I was crestfallen. He didn't want to be with me. But I swallowed it down and tried to give him the friendliest advice possible.

"It doesn't mean that she doesn't love you, Narc. Maybe she just needs more time to figure out who she is and what she wants. She's very young. I didn't know what I wanted at that age."

"Yeah, I guess you're right," he sighed. "I wanted to buy her a ring, but I guess I have to return it."

(Again, this is strange because I was having a conversation with B yesterday about wedding jitters, etc. and I was trying my best to be very encouraging about his relationship with Drippy.)

A woman from my AA group was walking up the hill behind us.

"Hi, Hyde!" she said. "Are you going to introduce me to your friend?"

"Oh... um, yeah-- this is Narc," I said.

It turns out we were going to the same restaurant. The walk up the hill was talking forever and I was exhausted. I didn't want the woman from AA to eavesdrop on any more of my conversation with Narc.

"Really, the reason why I wanted to see you," he began again, "is that I'm moving."

"What???"

"Yeah. I'm moving to San Jose. I don't think PopStar wants to come with me, but I just need to get out of New York."

I felt panicked in the dream... panicked to lose him, but again, I tried my best not to let on.

"Of course you can come out and visit," he said. "I knew you'd be sad, so I wanted to tell you in person."

(Again, this Narc is CLEARLY not based on any reality).

When we finally got to the restaurant, I was frustrated to have to share that emotional moment with BigSis and the others who were sitting at the table. I wanted to cry and throw my arms around Narc, but I didn't want to make a display in front of the others. Narc was sitting next to me and sensed that something was wrong.

"Come here," he said, pulling my head down onto his chest.

His shirt was unbuttoned at the top and I could feel some of his chest hairs against my cheek. He was rubbing my head to soothe me. Then he started to tuck my hair behind my ear.

"She likes that," he said to my sister.

"Shh..." he tried to soothe me. "You can just stay here on dib dib."

(Again, this is like B-- he used to tuck my hair behind my ear affectionately all the time, and "dib dib" is a word for "chest.")

"San Jose? Really?" I whispered. "Won't you miss New York?"

I started to think about following him to San Jose. Would it be viable?

And then I woke up.

I'm a little freaked out by the blending of B and Narc in that dream. Which of them was it supposed to be?

I still miss Narc so much...

So much.

love,
h